Recently I wrote about the “Black Knights” of divorce: those people who won’t face reality but fight on, relentlessly, long after the case has finished. They are few in number but their behaviour is remarkable. Today I would like to consider another group, equally rare in number. They are the Sirens.

The original Sirens were three creatures of Greek mythology. They were alluring seductresses, each one half bird and half woman, and their irresistible voices and music lured sailors to shipwreck and death. Whoever first imagined the Sirens, all those thousands of years ago, had a great understanding of human nature.

I can assure you that thousands of years later, Sirens are alive and well – and still active. They may not be living on the rocks of a craggy coastline any longer, but they make their occasional appearances in divorces around the world. They can be men but in my experience, they are far more likely to be women.

Today’s Sirens

As a family lawyer, I have on occasion encountered Sirens. They are women who, when a marriage has broken down, have the most to gain. A Siren deliberately heaps tragedy on a family, because when she has set her sights on a man who is already married – and also, in most cases, a father – she gets him. Greek mythology had Orpheus, who could play louder than the Sirens could sing and allowed the men on the Argo to escape their otherwise inevitable fate. Sadly, there are few men like Orpheus around today! Continue reading »

It is frequently the case that the tearful woman who comes to see me for her first appointment has lost her strength and self-confidence. As her case progresses, however, the client undergoes a transformation. She begins to reassert herself and resumes control of her future.

Years later, I can bump into the same client and barely recognise the energetic, self-assured woman who stands before me. We women are far stronger than we know. Some of us only realise this strength after years of conditioning and low self-esteem. Others are strong inside and out – and they have always known it.

I was musing upon this recently, after I ended up sitting next to two fashionably dressed men at the recent Selfridges sale in London. (Sat next to? During a sale? Yes. The only way to shop the Selfridges sale is to fight your way through the massive front doors, check out the crowds, immediately admit defeat, head straight for the champagne bar, order a glass of pink champagne and unwind while watching the throng do battle. I also recommend finding some stylish company with whom to share the moment!)

All three of us watched, open-mouthed in admiration, as the woman on the television screen above our heads made her recorded appearance at Selfridges. The singer Grace Jones emerged from a Range Rover, dressed in gold, and stood on the bonnet of the car waving to the crowds. She looked amazing.

Known for her striking appearance, strong voice, extraordinary hairstyle, modelling, film appearances and larger than life temperament, Grace Jones has dared to appear on stage with live lions and tigers. She currently appears in concert wearing only a series of fantastic jackets, hats and a thong. Once, during a well reported altercation – and there have been many – she is alleged to have described herself as “Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York”. She certainly makes life interesting for us! Continue reading »

In my last post, Christmas and the divorced man, I wrote about a male client of mine:

“My client intends to ignore Christmas this year. He is convinced that if men had their way, it wouldn’t exist at all. He asks, “Why do we have Father Christmas? It should be Mother Christmas”.

“Is he right? Is Christmas “a woman thing” and if so, why haven’t all we clever women spotted that we are being “had” before now?”

Here is my answer: we know full well that we are being “had”!

Yes, Christmas is very hard work – and tensions within a relationship can be exacerbated by the pressures of Christmas. At the same time, however, we love spending time with our children, friends and families, giving and receiving all those beautifully wrapped presents. Perhaps we just adore the excitement of buying (and eating) fabulous food and drinking glorious wine. For example: how many different boxes of chocolates have you spotted in store right now? And bought?! Not to mention those luxury puddings and cakes and mince pies! Continue reading »

Yesterday morning my husband was reading the papers over a breakfast cup of coffee. He looked out into the garden. Our two giant Briard dogs were frolicking together, getting completely covered in snow. A little red robin was hopping about on the branch of a snow covered fir tree. Two wood pigeons landed together on an almost frozen bird bath for a drink. With the snow covering the garden, the trees and the bushes, the scene couldn’t have been any more Christmassy.

“Better do all my jobs today if the weather is going to get even worse”, my husband sighed. And I started to laugh.

My husband wasn’t thinking about Winter Wonderland. He was thinking about practical matters, like how to get to the supermarket on icy roads, so that we don’t starve watching TV this weekend.

And he’s definitely not alone.

One of my clients, a well known company lawyer, has his own theory about Christmas. He believes it is two unnecessary weeks off work, spent living “out of synch” with normality. He believes that Christmas is a “woman thing”

Last year I wrote at length about how the tensions created at Christmas can lead to divorce, after our family law firm experienced a surge in enquiries from overworked women in the weeks leading up to the festivities:

“They described the tidying that had to be fitted around entertaining, the exhaustion and the never-ending rounds of relations and friends for at least a week afterwards. More than one said that she had do all this work herself – and dreaded it. None of them would put themselves through it at all if their children were older.

“Listening to these tales of drudgery I wonder, have women really attained equality?  I doubt it. It seems to me that for women, Christmas continues to be an exhausting, miserable slog for women who take on the chores year in, year out because they feel that they must. It appears to be a matter of tradition, rather than choice.

“I can’t help concluding that it isn’t Christmas that causes a divorce. It’s the thought of it.”  (Christmas and Divorce: What Women Want)

However my male client has a different take on this situation. He argues that if there is pressure placed on a marriage as a result of Christmas, he says, it is because women do it to themselves! Continue reading »

“Our society in England and Wales now urgently demands a second attempt by Parliament, better than in the ill-fated Part II of the Act of 1996, to reform the five ancient bases of divorce; meanwhile, in default, the courts have set the unreasonableness of the behaviour required to secure the success of a petition on the second basis, namely pursuant to s.1(2)(b) of the Act of 1973, even when defended, at an increasingly low level.” – Wilson LJ in Miller Smith –v- Miller Smith 2009 EWCA 1297

Stowe Family Law represented the successful husband in this case. The judgment of the Court of Appeal, heard before the President and given by Lord Justice Wilson, was handed down today. I will not of course discuss the specific facts of the case and nothing that follows does so. But, on a general note, Miller Smith is a useful example of alternative options available to deal with the financial problems caused by a defended divorce.

In such cases, finances cannot be dealt with in the usual manner, as the brakes are firmly applied until the divorce is out of the way, which could take a very long time. What is one party to do, who wishes to move on with his or her life and finds themselves apparently stymied?

Continue reading »

I have spent the last week or so championing the cause of women who choose not to work. In the course of so doing I have had to think quite a lot about what they do, and do so well, and I have realised that compared to them, in so many ways, I am truly deficient.

Is it stressful giving a dinner party? That’s the question in today’s Daily Telegraph.

In my opinion, it is extremely stressful and bravo if you can do it! I know for sure that I certainly can’t cook for a dinner party.

My ‘piece de resistance’, now honed to a fine art, is the well known “Tuna Splosh”. This is a dish of incomparable finesse involving a can of tuna and a can of chopped tomatoes thrown together in a pan, heated and mixed with some pasta (any pasta that comes to hand). My husband, son and ultimately, our dogs, love it. I can serve it lukewarm, boiling hot or even – if I’m demonstrating major culinary skill – hot outside and cold in the middle.

Continue reading »

From the comment pages of the Yorkshire Post, 23/10/2009.

Divorced from reality in the 21st century

By Marilyn Stowe

WE should all be raising glasses this week to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Divorce Reform Act 1969 gaining royal assent.

The landmark statute made divorce easier, introducing what became known as “quickie divorces”. It eliminated the previous extensive, fault-based procedure, was a milestone for women’s rights, and its momentous implications are still being felt today.

On the statute’s birthday, however, I am horrified to note that the divorce wind now appears to be blowing in the opposite direction, with prominent commentators suggesting divorce should be made harder and settlements less favourable to ordinary women.    Continue reading >

I left Chicago with a stack of magazines for the eight-hour flight back to London. The glossy pages were filled with images of smiling women with smooth skins and flawless complexions. Do these faces have their place in everyday reality? Surely I cannot be the Western world’s only woman over 30 who has succumbed to gravity and resisted the lure of Restylane, Botox and other cosmetic “treatments” and surgeries?

Leafing through the magazines I came across pictures of 46-year-old Whitney Houston, who is staging a comeback and has a new album out. She looks fabulous. She looks stunning – not a line to be seen!

In O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey tells her readers how to value themselves and become “empowered”. Oprah is my age – so why, on her publication’s front cover, is she pictured in close-up without a single wrinkle or crease? I looked very closely indeed couldn’t find a single one!

What does “empowerment” really mean? I am wondering, because it seems that youth and facial beauty are requisites for today’s women.

Here is an example: it is an advertisement that played on television while I was in Chicago. The advertiser is a (male) divorce lawyer. The opening scene: a man in bed with a woman. She is snoring. She is supposed to be ugly, too; we know this because we watch him pulling away, getting out of bed and creeping down the stairs, filled with disgust. Then comes the voiceover. It goes something like this: Continue reading »

Every Family Matters, a report prepared for the Conservative Party by Iain Duncan Smith’s ‘Centre for Social Justice’ think tank, received a good deal of press attention at the weekend.

The report recommends a compulsory, three-month “cooling off” period for couples who were set upon divorce. It proposes the founding of “family relationship hubs”: a nationwide network of counselling centres at which families would receive advice before and after marriage. It also recommends that couples who are living together should not be afforded the same legal rights as those who are married, arguing that “healthy marriages build healthy families”.

I read this report from cover to cover – and its conclusions horrified me. I note that my sentiment is shared by others.

Ironically, these proposals are throwbacks to Victorian times – at a time when the Conservative Party is at pains to present itself as modern and progressive!

Women

I have seen the “Victorian Woman” described thus: She was a perfect lady, who did not work, (except for charities); she did not earn (except perhaps for literary and artistic work); she ran her household efficiently, and she found fulfillment bringing up her husband and children. She could have some education, but not much, and avoided involvement in politics or argument with her husband. Continue reading »