I have noticed that many new visitors arrive at this blog after entering questions about their predicaments into Google. I asked Cheshire divorce lawyer Robin Charrot if he could help out with some answers.

For most court hearings, you will not play a speaking role. However there are still a few rules to follow. Use common sense: don’t lose your temper, don’t glare at your spouse and don’t sigh, tut or mutter when your spouse’s lawyer is speaking. Pay attention to what is being said. To get your lawyer’s attention, write a short note and tap them on the shoulder. But please don’t do this every five minutes! For further tips see Marilyn Stowe’s post, How To Act In Court.

how to explain to children adultery divorce

However much you blame your spouse for having an affair, resist telling your children “the simple truth”. This will always do more harm than good, because it will give them hopelessly conflicted loyalties. Your children have the right to have the best possible relationship with both their parents. Tell the children that their mum and dad are going to be happier living in different homes. Avoid the emphasis on your spouse’s new partner. In turn, your spouse should not bring his or her new partner onto the scene until the children are used to their parents living apart. Even then it should be done gradually.

how do i get my wife of 20+ years sexually attracted to me again

Not the usual kind of question asked of a family lawyer! Continue reading »

Earlier this week Sir Paul Coleridge, who sits as a High Court judge in Central London, spoke out about family breakdown. His speech has been widely published: I read about it in the Daily Mail and The Daily Telegraph. He talked about his sadness and frustration at the volume of family breakdowns, with lawyers warning that the family courts are “overstretched to the point of collapse”. He lamented the plight of children caught up in what he described as a game of “Pass the Partner.” The judge called for wide-ranging investigations and new laws to try and stem the tide. His belief is that that marriage, rather than cohabitation is the “gold standard” of relationships.

This speech has been widely commented upon, and I have noticed that responses from members of the public tend to fall into one of two categories. Either they back his views about marriage, or they simply dismiss what he says because they believe that he has failed to move with the times and fails to understand the new types of family that are in existence today.

My own view is straightforward. Continue reading »

With Ben and friends.

Today my son Ben begins his university exams; later this week, he turns 21. It’s going to be a busy few days – and I can’t believe how swiftly time has flown. It doesn’t seem that long ago that he was a tiny baby, who just about filled a pillow width-ways; today he is a second-year law student at Leeds University.

Where have the years gone?

He has come home to revise for his exams. Yesterday, up to his eyes and ears in land law, he noticed me floating about in my natty sports gear. I was fiddling with my iPod, ready to get on the Wattbike.

“It’s all right for some”, muttered Ben as he headed back into his paper-strewn bedroom.

As I started my bike ride I went back in time to when I too was aged 21, revising for my Leeds University land law exam. I remember it very well. I was sitting in the garden, reading the gigantic volume of The Law of Real Property by Megarry and Wade, which I thought was one of the most complicated property law books ever written. I still keep that edition in my office: a souvenir of university days, with my maiden name and parents’ address written neatly inside.

 My parents were going to the wedding of a school friend of mine. They looked really nice, and as they headed off I said “It’s all right for some!” They laughed. Exasperated, I went back to Megarry and Wade in the garden. I was feeling fat, fed up and flat. At that moment it seemed as if I had nothing to look forward to, save exams and several more years of exams and very hard work. I couldn’t see an end to it, and I’ve never forgotten how awful I felt revising for that land law exam.  How I envied my school friend her beautiful wedding.

But would I change things now? Never! Continue reading »

Children are far stronger than we give them credit for

Yesterday, I read an article in the Sunday Times that ruined my otherwise very pleasant day.

The piece by Daniel Foggo concerned a mother who is being imprisoned because of her “over indulgent” behaviour towards her three children following the breakdown of her marriage.

The unnamed woman had, according to reports by social workers, encouraged her children to make “serious allegations” about her former husband that transpired to be false. The judge remarked that she had “serious concern about [the mother] infantilising the children…and encouraging them to want to take an inappropriate part in these proceedings.”

Banned from seeing her children for three years, it appears that the mother is also facing a second jail term for posting a video of her plight on YouTube.

The articles I read were the first I had heard of this case; therefore my opinions are based solely upon the facts as they are laid out in the newspaper.

Even if there have been some exaggerations or omissions, it strikes me as wildly inconsistent that, when the courts are overloaded by cases of child neglect, cruelty, perversion and kids in care without parents, a mother who has been shown to love her children (albeit too much, presumably as an overreaction to the breakdown of her marriage) has now been stopped from seeing them?

Why?

Continue reading »

Earlier this month I recorded a programme for BBC Radio 4’s More or Less programme about the so-called ‘Divorce D-Day’:  the first Monday back to work in January, when divorce lawyers are supposed to be inundated with new divorce instructions in the wake of decisions made during the Xmas holidays.

In the past I have made no secret that I think it is just not true.  So when asked bluntly whether I thought ‘D-Day’ was simply “PR hype to drum up work for lawyers”, I left no-one in any doubts about my thoughts on this subject.

Last week I saw a new client, whose children had all grown up. She came to see me because she wanted to initiate divorce proceedings before Christmas. I also saw three women clients who all have young families; they are determined to proceed, but have decided to wait until after Christmas so that they do not spoil things for their children.

 This got me thinking: why is there an increase in instructions from women clients before Christmas? Continue reading »

This has been a busy week – even by my standards!

In addition to my day to day work, I was invited to appear on BBC 1’s The One Show, to discuss the imminent introduction of the Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission (CMEC). It is set to take over from the much-loathed Child Support Agency. However, as I have noted in previous posts about the CSA, there are already question marks over this replacement organisation’s fitness for purpose.

I note that on The One Show’s blog, the topic has already attracted almost 300 comments from viewers. Frankly, I’m not surprised. For many of those who have encountered the old CSA – be they parents, children or legal professionals – feelings about this deeply flawed  organisation run high.  Click below to see the item.

Readers who seek further information about CMEC may wish to Continue reading »

Parents of prospective brides and grooms are coming to see me in increasing numbers, to ask about prenups.

My opinions on prenuptial agreements are well known. I don’t like them, do not believe that they are “socially necessary” and do not believe that they should be automatically legally binding. I would not have signed one myself – nor married anyone who asked me to as a precondition of marriage.

However, parents of prospective brides and grooms are coming to see me in increasing numbers, to ask about prenups. Many of these parents are wealthy, some are super-wealthy and others are not wealthy at all. What they share are concerns about what will happen if their children’s marriages break down. They don’t want any of their hard-earned cash to pass to the divorcing spouses, and they are determined to protect their money.

It’s understandable. But is it reasonable – or advisable – to expect a future son or daughter-in-law to enter into a prenuptial agreement? I’m not so sure. What is often overlooked is the effect of a prenuptial agreement on the marriage itself.  Continue reading »

Qualified solicitor Andrea Essen joined Stowe Family Law in 2005. She specialises in cross-border divorces and cases involving children.

It is tragic when a family breaks up and children are left in the middle between parents – but never more so than when the parents become so bitter towards each other, they are unable to work together for the sake of the children.  Relationship breakdowns are rarely neat and are never free of heartache.

Parents suffer when they lose that precious day-to-day experience of living with their children.  I have lost count of the number of times a parent has come to see us in tears because they no longer see their child every day or because they perceive the other parent as experiencing more of the joys of parenthood than them.  Sadly, the inevitable consequence of living in two households is that even if there is an equal division of time, one parent is bound to miss out on something.

Unfortunately it can be difficult for people to extract their emotions from important decisions regarding their child. Recently I was involved in a case where the parties were so wrapped up in their personal disputes, they forgot to put their children first.

This couple had parted ways when Dad met someone else and moved out of the family home.  Continue reading »

Frank Arndt heads the International Law Department at Stowe Family Law

Our International Law Department receives a steady stream of enquiries from popular ex-pat destinations such as France, Spain, Switzerland and Australia. Some callers wish to know if they can issue divorce proceedings in England. As I have noted previously, many wives have good reason to file here if possible, because the financial settlements can be advantageous. Other clients seek qualified advice about the various legal avenues available to them, drawing upon our firm’s expertise in cross-border divorce, asset protection and our network of international legal contacts.

The department is headed by Frank Arndt, who speaks a number of languages fluently and has higher rights of audience in the Federal Court in Germany. He is a member of the International Society of Family Law and the International Bar Association.

Frank recently wrote an article for the online magazine Expatica, which is packed with useful information and has been well-received. In it, he details the “ten essential pieces of advice that should be followed by any ex-pat parent facing the challenge of family breakdown”.

I have copied the piece in full below. If any overseas readers have enquiries or comments, please use the comments section or the confidential contact form – I will forward all queries. Continue reading »

How many parents really understand what their children want and what they need?

Perhaps it was my reaction to the McCartney divorce that prompted me to take some time out for a week’s vacation with my son. At the request of a journalist, I had been considering what Beatrice McCartney’s feelings may be if, when she reaches an age to understand, a kind “friend” shows her a copy of Mr. Justice Bennett’s gruesome judgment of her mother. At the very least, it could cause her a lot of pain. And how will her psychological development be affected by such turbulence within her family?

People talk a lot about the impact of divorce on children. Even so, when I listen to some of them, I have the feeling it is only lip service. How many parents really listen to their children, to try and understand what they want and what they need?

 I am not divorced myself, but I do have a child. On an impulse, I decided to whisk my son away to the heat of the desert in Eilat, Israel for a week. I hoped to find out how he was faring in his student world. He has certainly been working very hard. As it turned out, he wasn’t the only one with plenty on his mind. Continue reading »