Adultery and Divorce: The Top Ten Myths

adultery and divorce - myths

In England and Wales, a divorce can only be obtained when a marriage has irretrievably broken down and it can be proved by at least one of five specific facts, set out in the divorce petition.

Adultery is one of the five facts that can be used to prove a marriage has broken down irretrievably, and it seems to be pretty common. According to one study, more than 50 per cent of married men and 26 per cent of married women are likely to stray at least once during their marriage.

Today, by coincidence, I saw a new client whose wife had been advertising for a quick fling on a website catering for illicit affairs between married people. A quick look at the website in question was eye-opening! There are hundreds of married people, of both sexes, advertising for casual sex with strangers. The potential for divorce when an unsuspecting spouse turns on the family computer and finds the incriminating evidence, as in my client’s case, is pretty substantial. But is it sufficient to found a petition based upon adultery?

This is a relatively straightforward area of family law. However it causes confusion because people think the term is wider than it is, when in fact it is precisely stated in law. In order to obtain a divorce on the basis of adultery, an adulterous act must have taken place and the Petitioner must state that he or she finds it intolerable to continue to live with the Respondent.

There are many common misconceptions about adultery and divorce. Yesterday I appeared in my Legal Clinic on ITV This Morning, discussing the subject. There were plenty of questions from viewers, and you can watch the clip here.

Here, then, are my ten top adultery myths:

1. That adultery covers any sexual activity. It does not. It refers only to sexual intercourse between a consenting man and woman, one or both of whom are already married to other people. Lesser forms of “sexual gratification”, as one court put it, are not sufficient to prove adultery.

Had Bill Clinton said, “I did not commit adultery with that woman” of Monica Lewinsky, rather than “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, he would have been correct.

2. That it isn’t adultery if you have already separated from your spouse.  If your spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married to you, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not. [UPDATE: Please also see the comment from John Bolch of Family Lore, at the bottom of this post.]

3. That it isn’t adultery if you are already divorced. It is still adultery, if the other party is still married to somebody else at the time. And if one party has been raped, is under 16 or if consent has been obtained by fraud, sexual intercourse in any of those circumstances is not adultery. Also according to the law, sexual intercourse with one wife in a polygamous marriage is not adultery, as far as another wife in the same marriage is concerned!

4. That it is adultery if it is an extra-marital relationship with a person of the same sex. In law, adultery only applies where there has been sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. An extra-marital relationship between two people of the same sex is considered an improper association. A petition for dissolution of a civil partnership can be filed on the basis of unreasonable behaviour instead.

5. That adultery before marriage will still count if you learn about it after the marriage.  A partner who has been unfaithful before the marriage has not committed adultery. It is only considered to be adultery if it continues after the marriage has taken place.

6. That if you find it “intolerable” to continue to live with your spouse, it has to be linked to the adultery cited. This is not necessarily the case. For example, adultery may have been the final straw or chapter in a history of unpleasant behaviour.

7. That it is a good idea to name the Other Woman or Other Man on the divorce petition. You may desperately wish to do this and publicly name and shame the other person. It is not, however, a legal requirement. If your spouse has admitted to adultery, there is no need to name the third party. Yes, doing so may make you feel better – but it will complicate matters, increase costs all round and risk incurring the judge’s disapproval.

My advice is always to act with dignity and concentrate on other issues in the divorce such as the children and finance. You can still seek the costs of the divorce suit (although not finances and children matters, which are separate) from your spouse. There will be the petition fee (£340), the decree absolute fee (£45) and your lawyer’s fees, if you instruct one.

8. That the third party’s finances will be used to “pay off” the other spouse. This won’t happen. That said, it is worth noting that a new partner’s financial means might be indirectly relevant in relation to a spouse’s finances post-divorce, and his or her ability to meet the former spouse’s needs.

9. That if you have committed adultery, the court will be biased against you when dealing with the finances and the children. This is not the case. Most marriages break down because of fault on both sides. Adultery can be a symptom of a failing marriage, rather than its cause.

One way of counterbalancing the petition is not to defend it, but to file a statement explaining why you believe the marriage broke down before the adultery occurred. Prince Charles took this course of action, very publicly, during his divorce from Princess Diana.

10. That if you petition for divorce on the basis of adultery, you are entitled to a larger settlement. You aren’t. Adultery alone is not regarded by the court as conduct which would be inequitable to disregard. Conduct that is “gross and obvious” would affect a divorce settlement. For example, I once had a case where the wife repeatedly stabbed the husband and left him with serious incapacity for life. That fell into the gross and obvious category, and her settlement was reduced.

As I pointed out on ITV This Morning, divorce isn’t about subjecting individuals to “trials”. Instead, it’s about drawing a line and enabling both of you to move on into the future.

And finally: bear in mind that after learning of adultery, you have only six months to issue a divorce petition. Once that time is up, you cannot use the adultery to divorce your spouse and you will be regarded as having “condoned” it.

Please do remember this, because my experiences with clients who come to me years later, because they have never been able to truly forgive, bear out the old joke. A wife may agree to forgive and forget, but she will never forget what she forgave…

 

Marilyn Stowe

The senior partner at Stowe Family Law, Marilyn Stowe is one of Britain’s best known divorce lawyers with clients throughout the country, in Europe, the Far East and the USA.

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312 comments

John Bolch - August 22, 2012 at 4:00pm

Hi Marilyn,

With regard to myth 2, the silly thing is that the Court of Appeal long ago held that the petitioner does not need to allege that they find it intolerable to live with the respondent as a result of the adultery! Accordingly, the ‘intolerable’ requirement becomes a bit academic, usually having already been satisfied by events leading up to the separation. Even if this were not the case, my view is that the petitioner could say that because of the adultery they now find it intolerable to return to live with the respondent.

DT - August 22, 2012 at 5:18pm

I like number one!

DT

Beth - August 28, 2012 at 6:34am

Divorce and adultery is a messy situation and the law is not at all straight forward. I have never experienced it myself, but I watched a friend go through it and she could have really benefited from reading this post. Good legal representation is a must.

Ana - December 30, 2012 at 4:28pm

Divorce is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. After my husband committed adultery. Although we both agreed we still love each but just no can live together. I the feelings emotions anger tears etc are unbelievable I certainly wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy.

Marilyn Stowe - January 6, 2013 at 7:52pm

Hi Ana
Thanks for your comment. Divorce is a last resort and is never as easy as some media commentators suggest.
Regards
Marilyn

Alana - January 27, 2013 at 12:57pm

Thanks for this detailed post. I need to ask a silly question ; I hope it’ll elicit an intelligent answer from you ; if you used a PI to collect evidence of adultery, would this evidence be admissible in court, or would it hurt your chances at getting a good resolution to the case? Much appreciated.

Alana

Marilyn Stowe - January 28, 2013 at 11:00am

Hi Alana
Usually it isn’t necessary, because unreasonable behaviour is an alternative if adultery isn’t admitted. The evidence of a professional PI, who if fully aware of what is admissible in court and therefore knows what a court will expect should be ok.
Regards
Marilyn

Colleen - January 30, 2013 at 12:46am

Hi
i am currently getting divorced due to my husbands adultery and unreasonable behaviour. He gave me £5000 when he left last October and is refusing to give me any more money. There are no children involved and he has lived with the other woman since the end of November last year. He works, but I dont and am desperately looking for a job without success. we were married fro 23 years. We have similar saving in our own name. Does he still have to pay me any maintenance. he said to our adult son that he doesnt have to as i have savings. He has been served with papers for the divorce and I am waiting to hear a response from him. In your professional opinion should he still have to give me some money to live on? I am living off my savings at the moment.

sue - February 11, 2013 at 10:07am

hi i was wondering how i can go about naming the other woman in divorce if i only have her first name and where she works?
my husband has been having an affair with another woman for 5 months, i only found out on our anniversary less than a week ago.

Marilyn Stowe - February 15, 2013 at 11:49am

Dear Sue
Dont name her. The courts dont like it and dont encourage it, and its not necessary in law. Im sure you are in pain and hurting but you have to go through the divorce process with dignity.
Regards
Marilyn

Jo - February 17, 2013 at 8:20pm

Hi my husband left me and moved in with another woman on the same day. Can I use adultery as grounds for divorce or would it be unreasonable behaviour? Thanks

Marilyn Stowe - February 18, 2013 at 3:02pm

Hi Jo
You can certainly use adultery but make sure it isn’t denied or you can prove it.
Regards
Marilyn

Barbara - February 27, 2013 at 1:01pm

My husband is issuing DP against me on grounds of my adultery – I don’t dispute but his solicitor has advised if he names the other party (which he can easily do) then he can apply for costs against him. Is that right?

Marilyn Stowe - March 1, 2013 at 1:02pm

Dear Barbara
A few thoughts. My advice to clients on the receiving end is usually that they should negotiate the costs of a divorce. Most couples could divorce the other on the basis of their unreasonable behaviour so asolicitor could argue that there should be no order for costs or a split of costs if the divorce proceeds undefended.
The courts do not welcome a third party being cited in a divorce. There is no need because if you dont negotiate,or object and file a statement explaining why a costs order shouldnt be made (perhaps stating that you have not cross petitioned with a view to saving costs,) a costs order could be made against you. You need to talk this through in your own case with your own solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn

Sue Snowden - February 27, 2013 at 3:27pm

My husband received a text whilst on holiday last year, on 08.04.12 from a woman in South Africa whom I was told worked for a client and not somebody he’d ever mentioned. He deleted it but I text back and asked her to resend. It arrived saying xxxxxxxxxxxxxx I can’t stop thinking about you. Both denied it was for him and when we go home we tried again. In September I heard a voicemail on his mobile from a South African woman almost in tears advising that she couldn’t meet him that night as her car had broken down. Once again they both denied it was for him. We separated for a while and decided to try again just before Christmas. A couple of weeks ago he left his laptop open and fell asleep. I decided to to some digging and found the evidence of their affair. He continued to deny it until I emailed him copies of what I’d seen. They both admitted it since although both say it’s over and there has been no contact since September. I know that’s a lie too because the emails went up to November but the programme crashed before I got that far so didn’t see them. Even though I only recently have proof of their affair, am I too late to divorce him on the grounds of Adultery. They both say they didn’t see each other that night in September and he’s only been back once since, to another part of SA and was accompanied by another colleague.

Marilyn Stowe - March 1, 2013 at 12:55pm

Dear Sue
If adultery has occurred at any time during the marriage then it can be the basis for a divorce. It doesnt have to be repeated. You have to cite the incident and state you find it intolerable to continue to live with your husband, and thus the marriage has irretrievably broken down.
The alternative option to prove a marriage has irretrievably broken down is to cite his unreasonable behaviour of which there are instances in your enquiry.
A word of warning. Do not access emails or text messages of another person because to do so could be a criminal offence.
You can download my book for 99p to read all about how to get divorced. All the proceeds are going to charity.
Regards
Marilyn

lorraine - March 2, 2013 at 6:16pm

i have been seeing a man since January, who has been separated from his wife since September last year, can she now claim adultery? he has already filed for a divorce at the end of January on the grounds of irretrievable break down of marriage.
Regards Lorraine

rosita johnson - March 4, 2013 at 5:11pm

i found a website that my husband has been using to meet woman, i know he has been cheating, but i have not prove. just his behavior, he does sleep with me or want to have sex with me. i want divorce, but want to make sure if i am entitled to alimony support and if i can keep my home. I do not want to continue to live with him anymore. Please adivse.

Thanks

Marilyn Stowe - March 12, 2013 at 5:51pm

Dear Rosita
Divorce and finances are separate. You can divorce on his unreasonable behaviour and you can apply for a financial settlement.
Regards
Marilyn

Sara - March 6, 2013 at 11:03pm

Im going through a divorce who committed adultery not proud what i did but marriage was long gone he has always disrespected me from day one plus controlling that I didnt have friends or couldn’t get a job do to taking care of kids n making it easy for him to just get up n go we have 3children together been living together for ten years but legally married 2im years his name is in our house Ive been a stay home mom now my question is that he dont want to give me anything just child support he has two houses the one we live on and that his renting he wants to live me with nothing because of what I did can this happen

Marilyn Stowe - March 13, 2013 at 12:15pm

Dear Sara
You can claim spousal maintenance, child support, a lump sum, transfer of property order and a pension share. In short the court will consider all the income and capital you both have and share it so that both your reasonable needs are met. The court does not take adultery into account.
See a solicitor and get started!
Regards
Marilyn

rebecca - March 10, 2013 at 1:41pm

Hi,
My husband and I are 19 months seperated. He left following an affair which he would not admit to, then subsquently had a relationship with this women. I don’t know if they are still together. I attempted to divorce him on his adultery but he would not respond to my letters. Then I had a sudden bereavement and things were on the back boiler. Next I receive a divorce petition from him for my aldultery – I had a short term relationship about 1 year after we seperated lasting approx 3 months. I want to get divorced as quickley and painessly as possible especially as he has physically assualted me when he found out a was seeing someone. Would it be advisable to just sign this divorce petition? Will it effect my settlement if I admit to adultery, we have a 4 year old son together. Can I submit a letter to the court supporting my version of events as to why the marriage broke down? Is it worth it?
Many thanks, Rebecca

Marilyn Stowe - March 12, 2013 at 5:35pm

Dear Rebecca
I dont think it usually matters who divorces who as long as the costs of the divorce are sorted out. So you could agree that providing he wont claim any divorce costs against you and agrees not to use the adultery against you in the financial settlement or in relation to the child that you will admit the adultery and return the Acknowledgement of Service completed accordingly.
But if he wont agree then you can cross petition on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour or you could admit the adultery and write to the court explaining the circumstances when you return the Acknowledgement of Service and asking the court not to make an order for costs against you.
If he doesnt have a solicitor its unlikely he has any costs except the court fees which he can pay or you can agree to contribute towards.
If I were you Id take legal advice from a solicitor near you about your options.
Regards
Marilyn

louise - March 13, 2013 at 6:54am

Hi can u please help its my new partner hehas been split from his wife for five years we got together after 3yrs we now have cjildren together shes filed for divorce but why would she need our kids names on the paper work.

Marilyn Stowe - March 13, 2013 at 11:54am

Dear Louise
All the parties income and capital is available to be shared primarily to meet the parties reasonable needs. The court will take into account however all the circumstances of the case including the lengthy period since separation and his new circumstances.
Best wishes
Marilyn

louise - March 13, 2013 at 7:00am

And what sort of settlement would she get they have children but he has no pentions ect so what could she go for

jen - March 13, 2013 at 11:25pm

My partner’s ex has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultry. They have 2 children. My partner refuses to sign for adultry and has told his ex on the 1st attempt of divorce papers he will not sign for adultry and hold and behold a second lot of divorce papers came through months later stating yet again grounds of adultry, this time holding my partner account for a list of costs in tow. My partner married his ex July 2010, 4 weeks after he found out that she had an affair before they were married. He left as he found that he could not trust her and after them being together 10 yrs and having 2 kids who could not stand the betrayal. His ex had an affair with one of her work colleagues while my partner worked full time to support his family, so obviously for sometime before my partners ex had an affair based upon a growing relationship for sometime behind closed doors. Whilst apart my partner found comfort in a old school friend and he was with her for 8 weeks before my partners ex wanted reconcile as she could not see my partner with someone else. They briefly stayed together for a further few months but due to the lack of trust my partner could not trust her and they were arguing more which was not fair on their children. I met my parther 4 months after he officially left his ex (Aug 2011). My partners ex is still seeing the person she had an affair with, and blames her affair on the fact that my partner did not give her attention. Both myself and my partner are very faithful people and with whats happend with our pasts with having been hurt on occassions , we cannot comprehend how someone can cheat, if your not happy in a relationship, you leave , you don’t just marry someone out of security. Now my partner feels trapped as he never commited adultry to his ex before they had seperated. The reason the marriage had broke down was the fact my partners ex had an affair a few weeks before their marriage in a hotel. My partner could not action this information until this information was known to him, which unfortunately was after their marriage. My partner use to pay his ex £500 a month for his 2 children on a £1,200 monthly wage ( 1st time they seperated). When my partner returned to his ex, she was still claiming for single parents. CSA informed my partner he should be paying £250 a month , so he was initially paying his ex double for child maintenance. My partner thinks his ex a money grabber as there is no call for his ex to have adivorce on the grounds of adultry when it was my partners ex who commited adultry within their relationship which prompted my partner to find it unbearable to cope with the information and to not trust his so called wife. He felt like he was trapped into marriage as my partner feels like he was never given the choice once given this infomration about his ex’s affair. Can the court still go ahead with the divorce without my partners consent of adultry?

Marilyn Stowe - March 14, 2013 at 7:48am

Dear Jen
I dont have all the facts but the position in law is that having a sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex while one or both of them are married to others is adultery whether they are separated or not unless there is a written separation agreement to state that subsequent relationships post separation will not be treated as adulterous. So in law his relationship with you if sexual seems to be adultery and so is hers with another person. Separation doesn’t matter.
I don’t think in the circumstances you outline your partner or you should get too upset about why the divorce is proceeding, instead I advise my clients to concentrate on keeping the costs of the divorce sensible. So if one party agrees to admit the adultery for example, perhaps his wife will agree that there will be no costs against him.
If she wont, then he has every right to cross petition based upon his wife’s unreasonable behaviour and or adultery and suggest that there should be cross decrees with no order for costs. Thus he will divorce her and she him.
There is no requirement to name a third party.
There are time limits however and if your partner has been personally served with a petition he must act very quickly. I suggest he takes legal advice to decide the best way forward for him.
Regards
Marilyn

lorraine - March 14, 2013 at 7:01pm

hi my mums going through a tricky divorce, her and her husband had been married 7yrs, the marriage has been rocky for a few years with his mood swings, ignores my brother and family and is horrid to my mum and recently my mum ended it, shes met another guy and although her and my step dad are seperated he still lives in the family home and refuses to move, she had bought the house before they where together and its just her name on the deeds shes lived there for 25years me and my brother were both brought up there and my 21 year old brother still lives there, so far he wants half of what the house is worth and all the furniture before he will leave? is this adultery as they were separated? and can he legally have half the houses value if its not his house to begin with? help

Marilyn Stowe - March 15, 2013 at 7:26am

Dear Lorraine
Stop worrying. Your mum could divorce on the basis of his u reasonable behaviour and has strong arguments not to pay him in relation to the house for all the reasons you point out. I suggest she does take legal advice and gets it sorted out now. If she needs legal aid she must make her application this month. You can also download my book click the link on the sidebar. It costs 99p and gives more information on divorce and financial settlements. All proceeds to charity.
Best wishes
Marilyn

Bev - March 14, 2013 at 10:28pm

Hi Marilyn,
I was married in August 2012. I have recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me since November 2011 although I have no definitive proof. I bought the house we live in before we were married, it is only in my name and I pay for all of the bills, always have. I understand that I can’t file for divorce until I have been married a year, I cannot reconcile with my husband. When we do divorce is he entitled to a share of the house? We do not have any children together thankfully, I’m just worried that I will have to sell to give him something when we divorce although he has never contributed anything.

Marilyn Stowe - March 15, 2013 at 7:24am

Dear Bev
In a short childless marriage it is highly unlikely that you would be ordered to pay him anything. You could download my book for 99p to read more about divorce and financial settlements. Vick the link on the side bar. All proceeds are going to charity.
Best wishes
Marilyn

win - March 15, 2013 at 12:51am

Hi Marilyn,
I found out last week my husband had sex with a married woman in 2008. He admitted having “cyber sex” too with a different woman last year which happened from april to july 2012. I found this woman started communicating with him again in January 17, 2013. Since I found out, I can no longer bear to live with him. We started living separate lives, rooms, expenses,etc but still on the same house until 3 days ago, he eventually moved out from our home. We don’t have children in 12 years of marriage. And we’ve agreed on how we’ll divide our properties, money,and pension. We’ve agreed uncontested divorce will be file by me but to which ground will it fall? adultery alone or unreasonable behaviour? Can I do the petition paper on my own without a solicitor ? Many thanks.

Marilyn Stowe - March 15, 2013 at 7:20am

Dear Win
I’m sorry you are in this situation. I would suggest you download my book which costs 99p from Amazon. The proceeds are going to charity. The link is on the side bar of this blog. It will give you all the Information you need to decide how to proceed. Make sure that you don’t rush headlong into this, take your time, consider all your options and in particular if you think divorce is the right option make sure your financials settlement is correct.
Best wishes
Marilyn.

JamesB - March 15, 2013 at 1:40pm

Learnt something new today :
“If she wont, then he has every right to cross petition based upon his wife’s unreasonable behaviour and or adultery and suggest that there should be cross decrees with no order for costs. Thus he will divorce her and she him.”
Thanks Marilyn.

Also, ‘cybersex’? What is that? I think women like it more than men. in the absense of androids, I suppose it’s phone sex. Although I think avatars can have sex now, but I suppose it’s a new term for talking dirty down a phone pline, plus I suppose with avatars involved maybe. Still, technically I don’t think its adultary, and although probably better than sex by yourself only probably not as good as the real thing. But that’s my opinion, would be interested in someone who has done it’s pov? I say that as I keep getting women pregnant and it would avoid that and stds and be safe and might be something I could recommend to my kids perhaps? Although it would probably lead into them doing the real thing earlier, so perhaps not. Good weekend to all. Regards, J.

naomi - March 15, 2013 at 9:52pm

now now james we all know that nothing beats the real thing thats why so many people end up married in the first place, personaly i prefer to keep things simple and then both sides know where they stand.
it may be an excellent method of birth control but for those of us who want children i think the real method is in the top ten ways to concieve unless your johnny 5 :) and marilyn is there nothing your book cant do? :)

Cynthia Richards - March 17, 2013 at 6:14pm

Hi Marilyn wondering if you can help. I entered into a civil partnership with a woman April 2012 to now find out that she misled me and she was originally born a man. Is this good grounds to obtain an end to the civil partnership.

Angelique - March 19, 2013 at 2:43pm

Hi Marilyn

I have been trying to get divorced from my husband for over a year now. We have been separated since December 2011.
I am living in South Africa, and my husband in Indonesia, he moved there after we were separated. I found evidence on the internet, proving that my husband is in a intimate relationship with another lady, she refers to him as her “hubby” in one one of the pictures. Is there any grounds on from which I can get an immediate divorce. He has an attorney, i don’t, there is a struggle regarding the children, however they are all estranged from their farther, and show NO interest in having any contact with him whatsoever.
I am desperate! Is there any advise you can give me?
Please

Bob - March 25, 2013 at 2:58pm

Hi Marilyn
Marry in haste……..we have been married for nearly 3 years with a 16 year old male stepson—-we are totally unsuited and have decided to end it now rather than down the line.
I will pay for all the costs but do i have to offer my wife any money—she at present works 25 hours per week–says she doesnt want any money or solicitor but i would rather do it properly–if you could advise me that would be very helpful
Many thanks
Bob

Marilyn Stowe - March 31, 2013 at 11:45am

Dear Bob
This is about meeting your respective reasonable needs. Get some personal legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn

Stephanie - March 26, 2013 at 3:42pm

Hi marilyn
I have split from my husband for 2years now but I have been seening him on an off now and again but now I have called it a day. The reason we split is because physical violence on his part I have a 6 year old lil girl its not his child she sees her real dad on regular basis. Am going to file for a divorce as I could never live with him again but I have started seeing someone else an got pregnant can he have me done for adultery even though we havent lived together for two years.i dont know will happen .

Marilyn Stowe - March 31, 2013 at 11:44am

Dear Stephanie
You can divorce him and he can divorce you. Does it matter if you are both getting on with your lives? Try and agree why your marriage irretrievably broke down- two years separation by consent is the obvious answer.
Regards
Marilyn

Sarah - March 26, 2013 at 9:38pm

Hi Marilyn, what impact on a divorce can it have it someone starts a relationship during srparation? I am married with a child, our marriage broke down for several reasons, my husband cheating for one. Since we separated I stared having feelings for someone else which I told my husband about – I am concerned now how this could impact on our divorce? My husband owns our home and others, I gave up work to look after our daughter who is two. I feel I have no control as he is in charge of all finances . He says if I leave I need to go straight back to work but I don’t want to do that to y daughter. Any advise would be appreciated.

Marilyn Stowe - March 31, 2013 at 11:42am

Dear Sarah
Why don’t you go and see a solicitor? You are fully entitled to a fair share of all the assets and if you have feelings for someone else that doesn’t matter unless you intend to live with him or marry him.
Regards
Marilyn

A - March 27, 2013 at 12:59am

Hi
A friend of mine divorced her husband – he admitted to adultery. But he had only been unfaithful with men. Is their divorce valid. If not, should the matter be reported and, if so, to whom?

Marilyn Stowe - April 17, 2013 at 8:28am

Dear A
I decided not to reply to it.
Regards
Marilyn

Olga - March 30, 2013 at 1:57am

I am still married to my husband, I was in a very violent abussive controlling and problems with the anger which was made worse by all his drinking. I have four children all in there late twenty . I finally found out that he used to date her when he was 21 and she was 31 that has been since my son was 12/14 years old. He is now 23 lives with me, he lives with his mistress who he took away dined and wined her went to the opera, then coming back to me giving me he’ll the shouting tyrannical rages, always pick a row for nothing, so while he was lying and leading this double life I suffered by him not leaving me. To cut a long story short? I ended up being very ill the stress of his constant taunting and being so mean cruel and selfish hearing her on the phone, and him just going out. I had a very serious kind of breakdown, I nearly lost my children’s respect and him trying to get the house, as I spent 17months on a mental health ward, he even brought her in? He received redundancy money, won’t work now has bonds assets and three knd of pension, I am now living off benefits, while he will not give me a share of all this, please let me know if I can claim that half back? I went for a divorce and he would not sign the papers, as I had stated of all the years of abuse and living in fear of him after coming home drinking hit kicking and trying to shove my face in boiling oil. Still I could not get him out , as he own half like me, he just is not making it easy for me? He keeps telling me that he has no money, yet she had my paper s deeds, marriage certificate in her safe? He still has other things of mine?

sswork,aletters,deeds , marriage certificate

Marilyn Stowe - March 31, 2013 at 11:26am

Dear Olga
You are entitled to apply to have him removed from the home if he is making you so seriously ill, you can also apply for your entitlement to all the assets of this marriage including a share of all the capital including pensions and investments. Please see a solicitor straight away and stop your suffering.
Best wishes
Marilyn

Clara G - March 30, 2013 at 10:35pm

I want to divorce my husband for adultery. Our only child is 19. My husbands income is five times mine. He says I am only entitled to half our house? We have been married for 24 years. Is this right?

Marilyn Stowe - March 31, 2013 at 11:22am

Dear Clara
I’m away right now back next week but your question is so easy I can answer it on holiday. You are entitled to claim for maintenance a lump sum transfer of property pension share:- a fair share of all the assets capital and income. Please take personal legal advice straight away.
Best wishes
Marilyn

Sandra - April 3, 2013 at 8:56pm

Hi i was married onthe 9/6/12 but as soon as we were married my husband refused to have any physical contact and claimed it was due to “illness” then mental issue. He became more and more secrative and verbally abussive. We split on the 17 September 2012 he demanded that me and my daughter leave the home we rented. I then found out that the debt we were in was due to him having two mobile phone contracts and that he had been texting a women 100 time in one hour, there are sexual pictures and testimones from women he has been with sextually on a web site. I have also received harrassing calls and texts from someone clsiming to be his girlfriend. I have good readon to believe he had been having affairs since before we were married. I want to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour – my question is can i file now even though there is till 65 days before its a full year?

Marilyn Stowe - April 7, 2013 at 2:27pm

Dear Sandra
There is an absolute bar to issuing a divorce before 12months are up. You can issue on 10th June. In the meantime if you have financial issues you could apply via a judicial separation petition or a fail to maintain application.
Regards
Marilyn

Patricia - April 5, 2013 at 12:23pm

Hi Marilyn, After 40yrs of marriage,my husband left me in October 2012 due to his adultery with a woman who had died 2wks previously. He now lives in a rented flat with another woman,but we jointly own our leasehold property which I live in still with my Adult daughter,her husband and 4 young children as I am disabled. Can he force a sale on the home and is it possible that the court might give the house to me on the grounds of adultery and unreasonable behaviour,also he has an early pension due in August would I be entitled to part of this and any subsequent pensions etc, I live on a state pension and small company pension plus disabled allowance so have problem finding extra cash for solicitor for divorce I am really worried for mine and the families future regarding house.

Marilyn Stowe - April 7, 2013 at 2:24pm

Dear Patricia
You are entitled to ask the court to order you can stay put, either by transferring his share to you or deferring sale until a certain event eg your death.
You are entitled to ask for maintenance and a pension share. In effect a fair share to meet your reasonable needs of all there is.
I doubt you can do this alone. Please take legal advice. There are many ways of paying a solicitor and you need to discuss it with the firm of your choice.
Best wishes
Marilyn

Barbara - April 5, 2013 at 5:12pm

Hi

I am in the process of divorcing my husband for unreasonable behaviour, several affairs with 2 best friends and I have put up with verbal and physical abuse for 30 years . Finally last year I went to the police about his violence and he received a police caution.

So far I have spent £7k on solicitors fees and I don’t seem to have got very far. When I had the first meeting for the solicitor, she implied, I wouldn’t have to give him 50%, as I had put more money into our home and paid the majority of the bills.My children are 24 and 26 and are both working.

As there was domestic violence involved , am I entitled to legal aid?

I need to reduce my legal fees , otherwise, I might as well throw the towel in, and give my soon to be ex 50%.

I think it so unfair that the courts do not take into account why you are getting divorced especially if domestic violence and adultery is involved.

I would value your feed back

Regards

Babs

Marilyn Stowe - April 7, 2013 at 2:21pm

Dear Babs
Your solicitor should have assessed your entitlement to legal aid at the beginning and my guess is you werent financially eligible although check this and you could ask for a refund if you were.
You could get legal aid if financially eligible and satisfy the DV criteria.
As for fault, the courts take it into account only when it’s extremely grave and that’s rare. Mostly it’s about working out what there is and how to divide it according to the law.
If you aren’t happy with your lawyer, you can change.No point in feeling resentful part way though.
Regards
Marilyn

mohammad uddin - April 6, 2013 at 3:28pm

i am living together with a girl who is already married to another man. she just come out from his house and strait away come to my house. is there any problem for us? she didnt have any divorce or separation. she just left house and started living together with me. whats the result of this situation? is there will be any legal problem for me or she?

Marilyn Stowe - April 7, 2013 at 2:17pm

Dear Mohammed
You could be certainly involved in the divorce and end up paying the costs of the divorce. Your finances could also indirectly be taken into account.
Regards
Marilyn

AlanB - April 7, 2013 at 6:42am

Hi Marilyn,

My wife and I have been separated for 19 months, we are amicable and I have plenty of access to the kids however, we are both keen to push the divorce through so that we can move on and have closure. In theory we have agreed a financial settlement and she is taking a larger portion from the sale of the house, in order to move on it has been suggested that she petitions me for divorce on the grounds of adultery even though this was not actually committed. I have the paperwork from the solicitor, the only section that really concerns me is the financial section about periodical payments, lump sum order and a property adjustment order which have all been ticked…is this just standard?. Whilst she has promised that there will be no impact to me if I agree to adultery however, I can’t help feeling anxious about doing so. We still have a good relationship and are able to sit down to discuss matters and she has assured me that as I have a strong and close relationship with my children that she would not want me to impacted in any way as this in turn would impact them. Your advice as to whether I should agree to adultery would be gratefully received.

Many thanks

Marilyn Stowe - April 7, 2013 at 7:54am

Dear Alan
Under no circumstances whatsoever should you admit to adultery if it hasn’t taken place. This is a fraud on the by both of you and it is potentially very serious.
You could consider a petition based on the unreasonable behaviour of either of you if you want to divorce quickly or wait two years and divorce amicably on the basis of two years separation by consent.
Aston finances, to put matters beyond doubt you need confirmation of the agreement in writing from the solicitor. As you haven’t received that it may be that your wife doesn’t think there is one.
As I keep advising people, get your own legal advice to protect yourself.
Regards
Marilyn

Observer - April 7, 2013 at 2:01pm

This sort of says it all about what is going on. People get tired of living together, and man is expected to fall on the sword so that woman can save face. While it is admirably civilized of some women to sit down with their partners and pressure them into dishonesty (a form of abuse in itself), the majority find it easier to just make a false allegation or two, knowing that all the authorities will back them up on that. That way, women get to tell all the family and friends that it had nothing to do with them, and take all the advantages that follow (alimony, maintenance, custody, hairdos and holidays).

Alan - April 8, 2013 at 11:04am

Hi Marilyn,

Many thanks for your advice, I am seeking legal advice anyway but thought I would ask the question. As for the comment of falling on my sword from Observer, I have had relationships whilst we have been separated so I guess this could be classed as adultery?

Becky - April 9, 2013 at 6:01pm

Hello. Question I’m afraid. I’m married and right now cannot afford to get divorced. I am in a new relationship and pregnant. Are there any legal implications that can affect my partner and his rights to our baby?
Thank you.

Marilyn Stowe - April 11, 2013 at 4:13pm

Dear Becky
Your husband not your partner would be automatically considered the father of your baby unless your partner completes a declaration of parentage.
Regards
Marilyn

Mel - April 10, 2013 at 2:20pm

Hi

Saw you briefly on “This Morning” – talking about legal aid.

Im half way through a divorce and im a single mum on benefit and was up till now getting legal aid. Where do i stand now?? Do i have to start paying?? or will legal aid continue if your half way through something??

If i need to pay, may have to go the rest of the way on my own as solicitors fees are out of my price range. Anyway just wondered where i stood now and what will be expected?

Thanks

Marilyn Stowe - April 11, 2013 at 4:14pm

Dear Mel
If you had legal aid prior to 1st April it should continue. Check with your solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn

julian - April 11, 2013 at 5:44pm

I have been living apart from my wife for 2 years in june, i was the adulterer, i wish to get a divorce. i am on benefits now also the girl that i was with is no longer on the seen and in a new relationship. Also i have had a string of dates in the last 2 years and been living the single life. There are no children being affected we didnt have any also no joint assets or money can i file for divorce or is still upto the estranged wife? what are the costings involved?

Marilyn Stowe - April 12, 2013 at 4:36pm

Dear Julian
The sensible way forward is to disucss with your wife and one of you to file based upon you both having been separated for two years and you both consent to a divorce.
The cost depends. If you do it yourself its the cost of the court fees only £385 but if you are on benefits you may not have to pay. You could instruct an online divorce firm to do it and the prices vary wildly. You could instruct a firm of local solicitors and again the price will vary.
Regards
Marilyn

justine - April 12, 2013 at 10:01am

Hi Marilyn, My partner had been seperated from his wife for 18 months when I met him. It is now a year later and he wants to file for divorce. They have a 5 year old child which he has always paid maintenance for. He wants to divorce her as they split due to her adultery, but she continued to live in the rented family home for 7 months whilst conitnuing to see her new boyfriend as my partner said he was not willing to throw his son out onto the street but was willing to wait until his wife had found suitable accomodation. We have been told that it is difficult to prove that you are seperated whilst living in the same house but to say they seperated when she moved out, which will only now make it just 2 years and she is not willing to do the 2 year agreed divorce. What can we do??

Marilyn Stowe - April 12, 2013 at 4:57pm

Dear Justine
A divorce is based upon the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, supported by one of five facts. To obtain a “quickie” divorce a petitioner files upon the basis of adultery with an unamed person or unreasonable behaviour. If the parties agree they can divorce on separation for two years. Another is two years desertion or the parties have been separated five years and consent is not required.
I am sure your partner can get a divorce. Take legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn

Anne - April 13, 2013 at 3:59am

Hi I separated from my husband of 6 years together for 13 years on the 1st of January we have been working to get back together he moved back in our marital home on monday this week daughter delighted me delighted him not so, he told me he has been seeing a 21 year old moved back out today to go live with her and her parents can I file for adultery

Marilyn Stowe - April 16, 2013 at 12:49pm

Dear Anne
Yes provided he will confirm or you can prove it. If not you can divorce him on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour. More important is making sure you and your daughter have financial security. See a solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn

Barbara - April 14, 2013 at 10:24pm

Hi, my husband had an affair which lasted a few months. We did get back together. I have just found out he has committed adultery again and has been seeing her for 2 years. We have seperated and he has gone to live with his new ‘very rich’ woman and left me in the house not knowing where to start. At present he is paying the mortgage and bills. I have been so tempted to contact his work. Where do I start?

Marilyn Stowe - April 16, 2013 at 1:09pm

Dear Barbara
Not by contacting his work! If he loses his job you could lose out big style financially. Get some specifc legal advise about ending your marriage and obtaining a financial settlement.
Regards
Marilyn

SUE - April 16, 2013 at 1:26pm

i have been seperated for 3 months my husband lives at another address all council tax and benifit forms changed to me can i now start seeing someone else or can he have me for adultary

Marilyn Stowe - April 16, 2013 at 1:28pm

Dear Sue
If you are not yet divorced and either of you has a sexual relationship with another that is adultery. People get very hung up about this, but it wont land you in a criminal court it is simply a means of getting a divorce although he could claim the costs from you.
Frankly I would get on with ending your marriage and ensuring the costs are covered.
Regards
Marilyn

Jay - April 17, 2013 at 2:24pm

Hi, I have an important question, my sister has been seeing a man for 2 1/2 years that is married, they have a child together and recently the mans wife found out and has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery, my question is this, can she name her in court and have her requested to be in court to try to prove the adultery? And can they force a paternity test to prove he fathered the child? Thank you. -Jay

Marilyn Stowe - April 17, 2013 at 2:30pm

Dear Jay
Calm!!! If the petition is based upon adultery the court does not require a third party to be named. The Respondent simply needs to admit the adultery with an unamed person. This is not a criminal offence and there is no need to drag a child into it.
Regards
Marilyn

Claire - April 17, 2013 at 2:46pm

My partner of nearly a year has been seperated for 6 years from his wife after her adultery. They have 3 children two and Uni and one still at school aged 14.. He has been paying the mortgage and all the bills during this time. We are renting together and would like to move on with our life with the possibilty of buying a house. I have no property of my own and work full time. My partner now wants to cite me in the divorce proceedings and he says all my monies have to be taken into account… I am sure this is not true, I was not the reason for their marriage breakdown and Tim also had another partner before me. Hope you can help

Marilyn Stowe - April 19, 2013 at 1:57pm

Dear Claire
There is no need to name anyone in a divorce based upon adultery.
As for your financial position, it is only indirectly relevant in relation to assist him in meeting needs such as housing outoings etc.
Dont buy a house together without making sure you agree in writing what will happen to the proceeds on death and also in the event of you splitting up.
Regards
Marilyn

May - April 17, 2013 at 5:46pm

Dear Marilyn,
My husband and I have both agreed to have a divorce with no children or finance issues involved. I live outside the UK, he lives in the UK. The biggest problem is that he refuse to draw a petition against me to initiate the divorce, and he refuse to be the one takeing the blame if I initiate one against him.he insists that it is not his will to divorce so he wont start it against me, but neither it is his fault to take the blame for the divorce out of the five grounds. I can accept it for him to say that I have unreasonable behavior but he wouldn’t consider initiating the divorce. Is there a way for both parties to initiate the divorce amicably together. As I live outside the UK, do I have to come back to the UK every time there has to be correspondence or can it be sent to or from overseas. It is really torturing both of us going through such a period of emotional pain. Thank you for spending your time reading and answering to the posts.Please give some advice.thank you

Marilyn Stowe - April 19, 2013 at 2:03pm

Dear May
Cant you get divorced where you live?
If you have been separated for two years you can get divorced on that basis if you both agree. Or you could wait five years and divorce him then even if he doesnt agree.
You could potentially divorce him here now because his behaviour may have been unreasonable or he may have committed adultery. Unless he defends the divorce and that is very rare and expensive, you would not need to go to court. Get yourself a good lawyer to see it through.
Regards
Marilyn

claire - April 17, 2013 at 7:07pm

Marilyn

My partner of nearly a year has been separated from his wife for 6 years after she committed adultery.. They have 3 children, only one left at home the age of 14. His has paid for all bills and mortgage for these years, plus having to pay for rental and bills for himself. We are now living together and he wants to proceed with the divorce. He wants me to be cited and also he states all my earnings must also be declared. I believe this is not true and have expressed that I do not wish to be cited since they have been apart for 6 years… please advise

susan lay - April 17, 2013 at 7:13pm

have been married 45 yrs,its been a very controlling marriage by my husband,jan 3 my husband admitted adultery, he moved out, only to come back 5 weeks later, to live,and still with his new partner,i filled for divorce,feb, life is dreadfull,how long could divorce take.thanks sue.

Marilyn Stowe - April 19, 2013 at 2:05pm

Dear Susan
A divorce takes about 16 weeks but a financial settlement could take longer, and its worth making sure you are financially secure before getting divorced.
Regards
Marilyn

show - April 19, 2013 at 2:31am

hi i really need help . my girlfriend is in ireland and she is married but she dont live with that guy for a long time . and she is irish . can she come to england to marry me.
because ireland and england is a different country . or she just submit the divorce file in ireland and come to england to marry me . so my question is can we marry in england to show that she is single in england . many thanks.

Marilyn Stowe - April 19, 2013 at 2:07pm

Dear Show
Your girlfriend cant marry in one country then marry again in another. That is called bigamy and its a criminal offence. She is not single in English law.
Regards
Marilyn

Dorothy - April 21, 2013 at 1:07pm

My mother and father have been married for 40 years during which time he has had numerous affairs. When my mother first found out 15 years ago, she began divorce proceedings but he made it so complicated, she couldn’t afford to continue. 8 years ago he started a relationship with a new danish woman. He told us he was renting a room in her house when he was in Denmark on business but when I went to visit him there, they slept in the same room and she later wrote me an email to say they were a couple. I told my mum but she did not believe me. Last month I found out that he has subsequently been leading a double life, going on holiday with her and her family, taking her to visit his parents, and buying a house together with her. My mum now wants to divorce but is scared she will be left with nothing and cannot afford the divorce proceedings. She is 65 years old and is not on the deeds of the family house she has lived in for 15 years, has no children under 18 at home and my father is self-employed and works abroad so she has no proof of his earnings. She does own a house in France which she bought with inheritance from her mother. Can she still divorce for adultery even if she choose not to believe me the first time I told her 5 years ago? Is she entitled to any settlement from my father including half of the house she lives in? Can she get my father to pay the legal fees if he refuses to divorce her? Thanks

Harriet - April 22, 2013 at 2:09pm

Dear Marilyn,

My partners ex wife commited adultry and left the house they lived in, she is now living with her parents and in a relationship with the third party.

My partner and I met a month after she left (My partner has texts to prove that her adultery happened prior to him meeting me, where it happened and just how amazing it was! ) She has filed divorce on the terms that my partner is committing adultery with me. I realise that he is, yet he would not have sought such a relationship had she not have cheated. I am now classed as the Co-respondant (Unamed Female third party)

He naturally contested this and her lawyers are aware of the evidence he has. Her lawyers have told my partner that it’s neither here nor their who was adulterous first. Is this correct? Surely not as that’s the reason they are no longer together – He has no lawyer as is left with the mortgage and martial debts so simply cannot afford one. The ex has also said he is to pay ALL court fees. Is this right? He stated in his answer that he was happy to pay half.

We have now received a letter that all parties must attend the court next week, the court letter refers back to a letter we should have received from her solicitors (We have not that specific letter) All financials have been settled, remain to be paid but settled.

We are worried that even though her solicitors know my partner have evidence why they are choosing to represent her lies, and there may be a curve ball. Help!!!??

Thank you in advance!

Marilyn Stowe - April 25, 2013 at 12:34pm

Dear Harriet
If either party has a sexual relationship with another whilst still married, technically that is adultery.
You need to agree who will divorce whom and on what basis and who will pay the costs.
Regards
Marilyn

Grace - April 23, 2013 at 12:36am

I had been married for 12 years and have not worked for this long as well. We have 2 kids together now aged 10 and 8. When we moved here in the UK and he started travelling abroad he’s character changed. He became very controlling and emotionally and physically abusive towards me. End of 2010 I discovered that he has been having an affair for nearly 3 years and when confronted he admitted to it. I told him that I wasn’t sure if I can forgive him and will need to think about if I still want to carry on with the marriage. After 1 year I told him cannot carry on with the marriage and we verbally agreed that we are separating. When he realise I started dating people he became even more aggressive and abusive that I have to take a non-molestation and an injuction order against him. Now I am certain that I want a divorce and my only concern is my 10yr old daughter is a daddy’s girl and she wants to live with her dad. Is there anything I can do to make my daughter lives with me and my son until she is slightly older say 12 or 13yrs? Also will my husband give me spousal support when he thinks I am commiting adultery.
I hope you can help me. Thank you.

Grace

Marilyn Stowe - April 25, 2013 at 12:39pm

Dear Grace
The court will take into account what is in the best interests of the child in terms of where the child should live. The child’s opinion is one factor but not them all. Read Section One Children Act 1989 where all those factors are set out.
As for finances, adultery isnt strictly relevant. Your reasonable financial needs and those of your children should be met at the end of a marriage.
Go and see a solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn.

rich - April 23, 2013 at 12:52pm

I got married in july 2012 and my wife split with me at the start of October, I had suspected she was seeing someone else during that period though she denied it, splitting with me so soon after marrying me just furthered my suspicions, i have recently found out that she is having a sexual reationship with him (though still denying it and of ever cheating on me), I now want to divorce her but know she’ll never admit cheating on me, is it still adultery even if we are not still together? And does she have to admit it? Thanks

Rachel - April 29, 2013 at 8:15pm

My partner left his wife in December after 16 years of marriage leaving behind a child. I met him in early January and have been together since. Since the wife found out about me, she insists we committed adultery and has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery (which my partner wanted ,to get the divorce done quicker) I am not bothered about this as i know this is not true, however I have now found out that i am pregnant, which we are both happy about. We don’t live together , as he rents an apartment. Will this affect the outcome of the divorce ie. how much money he will need to pay her, will it be reduced as he will have more outgoings?, will the courts see in favour of her and take into consideration my income as well as hers, even though i have 2 children from a previous relationship, and still expect a high amount off him??? Any advice is much appreciated , thanks

Marilyn Stowe - May 9, 2013 at 2:26pm

Dear Rachel
The court will consider all the circumstances and award accordingly. Your income will not be taken into account except in so far as it may assist your partner to meet his own needs.
Regards
Marilyn

rebecca - April 29, 2013 at 8:48pm

Hi. My friends husband walked out on her and moved into another womans house who he was having an affair with. She brought her house before they got together and were married. They have two children. He has never paid towards the mortgage. Is he entitled to anything? She is worrying he will make her sell and take money from her.

Marilyn Stowe - May 9, 2013 at 2:28pm

Dear Becky
Your friend has strong arguments. The house was acquired long before he was on the scene and she has needs to be met presumably because the children will be living with her. What i dont know is all the other assets in the case and the relevant circumstances of the marriage to comment further. So tell her to see a solicitor and stop worrying.
Regards
Marilyn

JamesB - April 30, 2013 at 4:56pm

re : Alana on January 27, 2013 at 12:57 pm, I found that post moving. I hope you are well and ok. I respect people who realise the importance of marriage and divorce. Where a spouse divorces through temper and anger and the poor advice of so called friends’ then that it is not good, as a kneejerk reaction.

Divorce is a life changing thing, especially where children are concerned, it usually affects them the most. I think it could be possible for a marriage to survive an affair. Although if it were me I would probably have an affair at least to even things up and make myself feel better perhaps.

Mick - April 30, 2013 at 11:59pm

I left my wife of 15 years 5 weeks ago as I do not love her any more and wish to start a new life again by myself. (We have no children and own our house). I have felt this way for a number of years but was struggling to find a way of telling her that I wanted to leave and ended up not being as direct as I should have been. She feels that I have treated her very badly by being withdrawn and uncommunicative for the last two weeks of living at my house before I moved out as I was finding it almost impossible to break the bad news for fear of hurting her too much. Some of her friends have suggested that I may have been having an affair which is completely untrue. She is now insinuating that I have been seeing someone but I believe this is due to other people putting things into her head at a vulnerable time in her life and trying to stir up problems for me. Again, I have not had an affair nor do I wish to enter into a relationship for the foreseeable future.
My question is; will I be cited for adultery in the divorce if I have a sexual relationship with anyone from now until the actual divorce is final? Also, will this affect the financial settlement in her favour even though we no longer live together?

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 5:06pm

Dear Mick
I Potentially adultery continues until you are divorced however it doesnt usually affect a financial settlement unless you are going to marry or live with someone when your financial circumstances might thereafter change.
Your wife could allege adultery, or unreasonable behaviour. You need to ensure that you protect yourself against a costs order for the divorce.
Regards
Marilyn

Lukey - May 1, 2013 at 12:18am

Blimey – reading through this posts shows how difficult things are for some people – puhleeeeeeeeeze – do yourselves a favour or two, STOP getting married and be far more careful about entering headlong into relationships you haven’t come to fully understand !

Ms R. - May 3, 2013 at 12:36pm

Thanks for your article and the time you give to answering all these questions. I have a point of clarification regarding the 6-month time limit after the discovery of adultery. I found out about my husband’s affair at the end of January this year and thought I only had until end of June to file based on adultery. We separated end of February. But I was recently advised by a gentleman at Wikivorce that, so long as I didn’t continue to live with my husband for more than 6 months after learning of the adultery, I could in fact file for divorce at any later date. So they interpret the time limit as applying to the amount of time you live together after knowing about the adultery, not the overall amount of time that has elapsed before filing. I’m concerned because, after sorting my children and myself out emotionally and financially, I’m now able to do the necessary but am running up against a deadline that I might not meet, since I need to order copies of certificates, file an ex160 for court fee remission, etc. Thanks for your clarification on this issue.

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 4:53pm

Dear Ms R
Dont panic. If you separated one month after learning of his adultery that should be fine.
Regards
Marilyn

david - May 4, 2013 at 8:05pm

I am currently in the process of a divorce, I was just wondering what spousal maintenance is, how much will i have to pay and for how long?? My wife filed for divorce on me after our marriage broke down, we have a child together i know i will have to to pay maintenance for him, but just wondered about the spousal one???

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 4:39pm

Dear David
Spousal maintenance is paid based upon reasonable need and the income and outgoings of both of you. Length also depends upon need. Have a look at the chapters in my book which deal with this in more detail than I can here. Its available from Amazon for 99p.
Regards
Marilyn

Mike - May 5, 2013 at 9:22am

My wife terminated the tenancy agreement on our house and moved out taking almost everything with her and moved her new partner in. I was made homeless for ten months, forced to live in my car for four months, before I was re-homed. I now live on pension credit and housing benefit. My wife agreed to accept a divorce on the grounds of her adultery but, eight months on, she has not returned the confession statement.
My solicitor tells me that if she refuses to admit adultery then we are unable to proceed without “proof”. She says that the court will not accept the fact that they are living together as a couple, sleeping in the same bed and discussing their sex life on Facebook as evidence and has said I will need to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

This suggests that it is impossible to divorce a spouse for adultery if they refuse to admit it. I would have thought that any petition which is undefended would automatically be accepted by the court but I’ve been told by two solicitors that this is not the case. This makes a mockery of the “adultery” grounds as it seems things haven’t changed from the days when a private detective had to be employed to virtually catch the partner “in flagrante delicto”.

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 4:36pm

Dear Mike
You can divorce your wife based upon her unreasonable behaviour. You do not need proof of adultery.
Regards
Marilyn

Celia - May 6, 2013 at 1:35am

Dear Maryln

My Husband filed for divorce based on Adultery in August 2012. We separated in Feb 2011 and have both now got new partners. The real reason is due to my ex’s excessive drinking and gambling not to mention his poor hygiene. I cant afford to cross petition but I just dont want to let him get away scot free.My Husband stole my jewellery from me worth over £4000 but claims it was a gift from me to him, I told his solicitor I would sign the papers providing this was returned to me. It turns out he has sold it but they still insist I sign because they says its verbal agreeing. I was very clear when I said I would only sign upon return of goods or cash value. We also have a substantial amount of debt owed to family for a deposit on a house but he claims not to remember.

What should I do? Should I sign and start a separate case with the police but what about the money as the only proof I have of that is my parents word.

Please advise

Kind regards

Celia

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 4:35pm

Dear Celia
You have two issues. The first is you want a divorce. He is divorcing you and you can admit the adultery providing there is no claim for costs of the divorce made against you. Then he can apply for Decree Nisi and thereafter Decree Absolute and you will both be divorced. If he wont negotiate a financial payment to you, then the second point is to apply for a financial settlement. You can apply for a lump sum order against him in the divorce proceedings.
Regards
Marilyn

Jane - May 8, 2013 at 10:04pm

Dear Marilyn, my husband and I separated in January after I found texts on my sons iPod (it had been linked to my husbands phone) to a male friend of ours which proved without a doubt he had had an affair with him a while back, and was trying to rekindle this affair. Since I found this out it has also come to light that he has put himself on a gay website under my name strangely enough, and is on transvestite websites trying to arrange ‘meets’ I knew he was a TV but he had always sworn it would never lead to anything else. I have had 2 one night stands since I found all this out and he is now trying to force me to lie on the divorce petition that we have already been separated for 2 years otherwise he wants to cite these two one night stands in the divorce and base it on my adultery! What is my best option here? We own a large house that he built but I feel like he is trying to make sure I do not get what I am owed from this marriage. Would I be best to cite his unreasonable behaviour, does this affect the settlement?
Thank you

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 5:11pm

Dear Jane
The view of the court is usually that it isnt necessary to go into lurid detail in order to divorce. Unreasonable behaviour details should be kept “anondyne” provided they arent defended. You can agree the particulars with him before issuing to keep things as civilised as possible.
You could also agree to divide the court costs.
For a financial settlement to be affected behaviour has to be beyond the pale. I dont think what you write would be sufficient.
You need to consider a financial settlement in terms of Section 25 Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 and I would suggest you download my book from Amazon called Divorce and Splitting Up, the cost is 99p and it is all discussed in more detail.
Regards
Marilyn
Regards
Marilyn

kaylie - May 10, 2013 at 9:47pm

hi Marilyn, my partner who I have been with for 18 mth has been separated for over 2 years from his wife. she basically wants everything, the house and business ( which is in her name but he helped to build) all my partner wants is 10,000 for each f his 3 children put into a trust fund. my partners parents died 6 mth ago n she wants half his inheritance is she entitled to this?

Marilyn Stowe - May 10, 2013 at 9:52pm

Dear Kaylie
Doesn’t he have a lawyer? He’s not a door mat, she won’t get everything, the idea is there should be a fair settlement between them primarily based upon reasonable needs of them both and non matrimonial assets shouldn’t be involved if reasonable needs can be met without recourse to them.
It’s always very difficult for a new partner who is siding with one party to see things dispassionately. I’d try not to get involved, let him sort it out for himself.
Regards
Marilyn

jackie - May 12, 2013 at 12:56am

Hi marilyn,
I met my partner a year ago, he was seperated from his wife but not divorced. She’s now filing for divorce on the grounds of adultry. He’s admitted as the law says. However I have recieved court papers to sign to admit my involvement and agree to pay any costs. I personally don’t want to admit or sign. Am I able to refuse? Please help x

Marilyn Stowe - May 12, 2013 at 6:40am

Dear Jackie
This seems very unpleasant and unnecessary. You do not have to reply. Your partner can admit his adultery without naming you and he can deal with the issue of costs.
Regards
Marilyn

Jill - May 15, 2013 at 7:13pm

hi Marilyn

I have just discovered that my husband has been having an affair with someone at work. I read months and months of emails between them that we’re in his work trash folder. Am I within my rights to ask the company for copies of all correspondence between them or will a solicitor need to do that? Many thanks.

Linda - May 16, 2013 at 2:01am

Hi there im not sure y my husband got married to me in 2011. I jave caught him cheating in July lasy year and again in November. I found out I was pregnant and major problems.i jave to go through csa for maintenance and just found out that he has a child with this woman as well. On devorce wat else can I do as he has put me through alot and is now neglecting his child that he has with me as we r still married. I still believe he married me for his stay.

ann-marie goddard - May 18, 2013 at 10:57pm

hi I was just wondering what the law is about my ex husband seeing another woman while we are in the middle of getting divorced and having intercourse with her. Would I be able to have her done for adultery we separated back over a year ago and filed for divorce this year

Marilyn Stowe - May 19, 2013 at 9:56am

Dear Ann-Marie
Until you are divorced then technically it is adultery. Is he divorcing you? If he is and has a solicitor acting for him and you haven’t make sure you aren’t landed with a legal bill for divorce costs.
Regards
Marilyn

caz - June 3, 2013 at 12:04pm

Hiya, i have committed adultery, we have 2 children together what will be the most likely outcome of who gets the kids?? he’s very abusive and the police have been involved with him before?? thx

Cindy - June 18, 2013 at 2:37pm

I just found out that my husband of almost 25 years is having an affair. My problem is we are US citizens who just moved to the UK for his new job from France (his previous job). We have only been in the country for 2 weeks so I can’t file for divorce here. I will have to go back to the US to file. If I take my son and go to the US will this cause me to lose any rights to child and spousal support? I have not worked for 4 years because of his jobs in foreign countries. I have proof of his affairs and he has admitted them.

Marilyn Stowe - June 19, 2013 at 12:30pm

Dear Cindy
You dont give much information but what worries me is if you return to the US you need to ensure you can legally return with the children. The Hague Convention in relation to International Child Abduction covers the return of children who were habitually resident in a contracting country before their removal.
Dont do anything without taking legal advice first and carefully considering your entire legal position. There will be options available to you.
Regards
Marilyn

Chris - June 19, 2013 at 10:18am

Hi Marilyn. My wife and I separated in Dec 2010. We have since been living under a comprehensive separation agreement drawn up by solicitors with these clauses:
LIVING SEPARATE AND APART
1. The Husband and Wife have lived separate and apart since December 18, 2010 and will continue to live separate and apart as fully and completely as though they had never been married. Neither Party will attend the other’s home or work without invitation or approval.
INTERFERENCE
2. Each Party will be free from the interference, authority or control of the other Party as fully as though each were single and unmarried. Each Party may engage in any employment, business or profession, and reside where he or she may choose, free from any interference, restriction, authority, or control of the other Party. Each Party agrees not to interfere, bother, harass, intimidate or otherwise restrict the other Party or their family or friends at their respective residences, places of employment or any other place.

Six months ago my wife started seeing another man. In retaliation I had a fling. My wife desperately wants a divorce based on 2 years separation but I don’t. So now she wants a divorce citing adultery against me.
Can she do this after all this time? Thanks

Anthony - June 19, 2013 at 4:48pm

Dear Marilyn,
My wife and I have been separated and have lived apart since September 2011. We have had two children together in this time Nov 2011 and Feb 2013, while living apart. We have not had sexual relations since our second child was conceived and don’t ever plan to again.
We have known for some time that our marriage is over and thee is no way of trying again, an have both agreed we need a divorce but we didn’t really believed had correct grounds to.
But now I have recently found out she has been seeing another man, and she will admit to adultery.
Do I now have the correct grounds to divorce her?

Marilyn Stowe - June 19, 2013 at 4:56pm

Dear Anthony
If your wife is having a full blown sexual relationship with another man then you can divorce her on the basis of her adultery despite the separation. She does not need to name him and neither do you.
Best wishes
Marilyn

Mary - June 20, 2013 at 5:39pm

My husband of 35 years has left me and moved in with a woman who is much younger and has said she wants a child. I want to stay in my house for a reasonable amount of time – perhaps five years – and have told him he should pay the mortgage until then (which he has verbally agreed to). I appreciate that at some time we will have to divide up the assets from the house. I do not now have any dependent children although my adult son lives with me at the moment. If the other woman becomes pregnant can they force me and my son to move out of the house or divorce?

Confused - June 20, 2013 at 9:10pm

Dear Marilyn
My husband and I have been separated for coming up for a year now due to his adultery. He had been seeing someone for at least 4 years but now I have my doubts and that it was much longer than this and he is also a chronic alcoholic. He entered a relationship with another person (not the same one he committed adultery with) about 2/3 weeks after leaving.

He won’t admit to adultery in court and all I have is an email from an unknown person naming names and only things that certain people would know. I want to file for divorce but can’t afford it right now but now I have the feeling that he is going to start DP from his end. We have a 4 yr old son together who lives with me and he sees his dad at the weekend.

My only worries are that he will try and go for custody of our son even though he has moved to a totally different town and also the costs involved for me. I was wanting to apply for divorce but at a time when I had the funds to do so. Also I met someone else 6 months after we separated and since I gave him the courtesy of telling him myself (I found out about his new girlfriend through our young son) he has stopped talking to me and is barely being civil. What grounds could he petition for divorce on? If we were still talking I would prefer to wait the two years and take it from there. Oh and we have no assets together – we were renting our home, have no savings but he has a pension.

Thanks

Clare - June 23, 2013 at 8:13am

My husband of 12 years recently told me he has been seeing another woman for the last five months and is leaving me and our two children. He told me two weeks ago and and he still hasn’t left the house. Is there anything I can do to get him out of the house any faster? The house is in joint names.

Marilyn Stowe - June 24, 2013 at 1:08pm

Dear Clare
You both have a right to occupy the house until a court orders otherwise.
Regards
Marilyn

madleine - June 24, 2013 at 7:16pm

Dear Marilyn,
From few months I’m trying get divorce and nothing is happened. My husband left me nearly 9 months ago, after 2 weeks I’ve seen his new photos on facebook with new ”girlfriend”, also he changed his status ”in relationship” with her. After 2 months he met another girl and till now he is with her, 3 months ago they moved to other city. I have solicitor, she send to his old address (where his mother live) divorce papers but he is not responding to any and my solicitor told me that I need to find his new address and after this we can send to him divorce papers. But how can I find his new address if we are not talking together, he is threating me so definitely he won’t give me his address. And last time he text me he want to get divorce after 2 years of our marriage :/ but I don’t want wait, it’s hurting me when I have to use his (my new) surname. And is that any chance to get divorce asap without his new address and without his paperwork??? In Poland you can get divorce in absentia after two attempts to contact with respondent (I’m polish) . Can you answear me please, I’m really desperate.
Thank You!

Mary - June 25, 2013 at 11:31am

My husband of 35 years has left me and moved in with a woman who is much younger and has said she wants a child. I want to stay in my house for a reasonable amount of time – perhaps five years – and have told him he should pay the mortgage until then (which he has verbally agreed to). I appreciate that at some time we will have to divide up the assets from the house. I do not now have any dependent children although my adult son lives with me at the moment. If the other woman becomes pregnant can they force me and my son to move out of the house or divorce?

Rob - June 27, 2013 at 12:52am

I discovered that my wife was having an affair a month ago. I’m devastated. We have a house with a large mortgage that neither one of us can afford to pay on our own (we both work), the house is on the market but as things are we could well be stuck with if for the forseeable future. We can’t afford to finance another property (buy or rent) so we’re essentially stuck in the same house together – which I’m finding very difficult. If I file for divorce on the grounds of Adultery, which she has admitted to, do I need to have moved out of the house beforehand?
We have 3 young children and we both share the associated running around so even if I find somewere else to stay I’ll be back at the house most mornings & evenings. Oh and I work from home too so my office is in the house ….

Ann - June 28, 2013 at 9:23pm

Hi there
My partner an ex split up 2 years ago due to her cheating and moving in with the man with his 3 children, she is difficult at the best of times and my partner and her don’t speak, my question is this can he put adultery down 2 years later or is it best to say 2 year seperation , but fear she will not admit adultery even tho we have proof or she will not agree to 2 years just to be difficult or not even respond to petition ? Thank- you

JamesB - June 29, 2013 at 10:18am

Think he has grounds for desertion. Or adultery if is on going in last 6 month.

JamesB - June 29, 2013 at 10:19am

Not 2 years separation with consent if there is no consent.

Lynne - July 1, 2013 at 5:52pm

Hi
Wondering if you can help me my new partner has been split from his wife for nearly a year and a half he thinks that when it hits the two year mark that she will divorce him on the grounds of adultery but she is blaming me and threatening to name me can she legally do this as this is untrue and when he wont agree with this will it stop a divorce being granted

Marilyn Stowe - July 5, 2013 at 1:25pm

Dear Lynne
When your partner and his wife have been separated for two years they can divorce on that basis, provided they both agree. The courts do not need like or encourage a third party to be named. If a petition proceeds on the fact of adultery it is sufficient only to state it has happened over what period and that the petitioner finds it intolerable to continue to live with the respondent.
Make sure if lawyers are involved that an agreement is reached about the costs of the divorce because they can be pricey.
Best wishes
Marilyn

Maria - July 1, 2013 at 6:36pm

Hi i wondered if you could help with some advice.. i walked out of my 30 years of marrage last september 2012 we agreed to separate and move on , i moved away and have lived on my own now for nearly a year ,,, it it true i have to wait 2years before i divorce and why ? when we know we are not getting back together, there are no children involved and we just want to get on with our lifes …. i live in UK. could you please give me some advice and what to do thank you …

Marilyn Stowe - July 3, 2013 at 7:03pm

Dear Maria
I do reply to everyone who writes to me but sometimes I can’t reply by return! In English / Welsh law you can prove your marriage has irretrievably broken down and divorce straight away on the basis of either spouse’s unreasonable behaviour or adultery. You can download the forms from the Ministry of Justice website. If neither than you have to wait two years and both of you need to agree. Make sure you also sort out finances and get your fair share and an order to make sure there are no come backs in the future. Finally, you must make a will to ensure your estate passes how you want rather than to your ex.
Regards
Marilyn

Elle - July 2, 2013 at 8:23pm

Hi I have been married to a man for over thirty years, stayed at home and looked after our two adult children. We separated nearly ten years ago as he had affairs all the time throughout the marriage, am I entitled to spousal support if I divorce him?
The house is in his name and I live there, he rents elsewhere, I am not on benefits and I have nothing except him paying the rent and utility bills, my kids give me money for groceries. He wants to stop supporting me but I have no way of paying for anything.
Can he do this to me?

Marilyn Stowe - July 2, 2013 at 8:31pm

Dear Elle
I am so sorry to read about this. You should seek legal advice for the full extent of the claims you can make on divorce which do include life time spousal maintenance pension sharing and housing. As a starter however you can download my book for 99p which you can access from the side bar on the blog to link through to Amazon that will give you the information you need to be able to understand your legal position, in much more detail than I can in this reply.
Don’t worry, the law is there to assess both your needs in the context of both personal circumstances and the entire financial position.
Very best wishes.
Marilyn

Maria - July 3, 2013 at 6:55pm

Hi i left message on Maria on July 1, 2013 at 6:36 pm wondered if you could get back to me on here please , just so i know what i need to do , thank you i know you are busy .. so thank you if you reply x

JamesB - July 3, 2013 at 8:18pm

We have divorce on demand in this country, if you go to a solicitors, they will get you a divorce.

maria - July 3, 2013 at 10:21pm

Marilyn .. Thank you , and i know and have read many of your replys .. and thank you for doing so to me , thank you for your advice , x

Marilyn Stowe - July 5, 2013 at 1:19pm

Dear Maria
I have given advise to thousands of people on this blog and I think I can count on one hand those who have bothered to say thanks. Its really appreciated.
Regards
Marilyn

JamesB - July 4, 2013 at 1:33pm

Conduct is irrelevant with regards to divorce and money anyway.

Valerie - July 6, 2013 at 7:21pm

Hi Marilyn,

Really hope you can help. I left my hubby earlier this year as he had really changed and I didnt like who he had become. I left the household about 2 months ago. He since has found out that I was chatting/flirting with a guy on Facebook for a while whilst I was with him and unhappy for about 6 months and now wants to cite adultery in the DP. He also wants to name the guy. So my question is in two parts – 1) I just want this to be over so if i do not contest it will there be any costs to pay and 2) if he names the man will the court definitely contact him? He is not bothered if they do but I am not able to pay for ANY legal costs so just trying to cover all my bases. Thank you so much in advance!

Marilyn Stowe - July 8, 2013 at 10:33am

Dear Valerie
If all you have done is chatted on Facebook then that is not adultery. It may possibly be unreasonable behaviour.
Regards
Marilyn

Carol - July 7, 2013 at 4:44pm

I filed for divorce in 2010 citing my husband’s unreasonable behaviour as he is very verbally abusive to me and the children. He has never paid anything other than the rent of our matrimonial home. I stood guarantor to my mother’s mortgage and the house was left to me when she died. I left him and I lived there a year before that happened. He came to visit the children and I have been unable to get him to leave as he cut keys from the children’s set. I changed the locks and he kicked the door in. How can I stop him coming into the house? Can I reactivate the divorce or do I have to file again? I think we have been separated more than 6 years now. Thank you in advance!

Marilyn Stowe - July 8, 2013 at 10:32am

Dear Carol
Your e mail is unclear as to whether he is living at the property or simply visits. Either way you can get a court order to stop him and if there is violence involved you may even qualify for legal aid.
As for the divorce it will depend and I don’t know what stage it reached. If you haven’t lived together since then it may be possible to proceed with the original petition. Check with your court. The court clerk may be able to help you or see a solicitor with all the papers.
Regards
Marilyn

JamesB - July 7, 2013 at 9:29pm

So many women leaving their husbands, it is sad.

Carol - July 9, 2013 at 9:55am

Thank you so much for your reply. He ‘lives’ here without my permission, camping in the front room like a squatter. He just won’t leave no matter what I say. The divorce didn’t get anywhere as he didn’t sign the papers.

Luke - July 10, 2013 at 8:48pm

“So many women leaving their husbands, it is sad.”
==================================

The husbands signed the marriage certificate in the first place – HUGE mistake.

Laura - July 24, 2013 at 11:33am

Hi Marilyn,
My marriage has broken down I we the last 18 months,my husband and I have still live under the same roof and it is only recently I filed for divorce. We did try again ince during this time for the sake of our child but it didnt work. During the breakdown I met someone else so now my husband wants to claim adultry, he says I should leave with nothing other than some maintenance. My biggest fear though is over my child as he is saying he wants our daughter half the week. He has barely looked after her and one of the reason sour marriage broke down was because of how badly he treated us after she was born. Can adultry effect the outcome of who a child lives with? Can other people such as Relatives be used as witnesses to support their claim of adultry? I am a stay at home mum, my husband is self employed and our daughter is two years old. I have suggested every other wend and a night in the week – could you please give any advice how it will be decided and how having a new relationship during divorce could impact? I made the mistake of going away with my new partner for a wend so I’m worried this could now reflect badly?
Thank you in advance.

Marilyn Stowe - July 27, 2013 at 6:47am

Dear Laura
The only issue for a court in relation to a child is the welfare of that child. Adultery is not of itself an issue. The court looks at the best interests of the child and the practicalities and that is what you need to concentrate on.
Regards
Marilyn

Calvin - July 27, 2013 at 12:54am

Hi Marylin, please help, my wife and I separated on the 1st February and I know now that she has been seeing another man. What proof is required to show that adultery has occurred. I know the mans name (he is in the Police which worries me) and where he lives but do I need pictures of the act taking place, I am at my whits end. My wife has already filed for divorce and says if I contest it then she will stop me seeing my son. Should I contest the case, why should I be the petitioner when she is breaking the law.

Marilyn Stowe - July 27, 2013 at 6:36am

Dear Calvin
One way to deal with this situation is to ask a reputable enquiry agent to help you or to file a cross petition on the basis of your wife’s unreasonable behaviour. You could then suggest you both proceed on cross decrees ie she divorces you and you divorce her with no order for costs. Getting the costs sorted is important. You only have 8 days after receiving the petition to return the Acknowledgement of Service indicating your intentions. It isn’t necessary to do any of this however. People get very upset about the divorce process but it shouldn’t affect any of the other more important issues such as finances or children. A court will not be impressed with actions to stop you seeing your son if you take issue with the divorce. I think the important issue is not getting landed with a large bill of costs.
I also think this could get out of control. It needs sorting sensibly, both of you calming down so go and see a solicitor and get some good advice and representation to nip this in the bud.
Regards
Marilyn

Mary - August 5, 2013 at 12:42pm

Dear Marilyn
Please reply to me. My husband of 35 years has left me and moved in with a woman who is much younger and has said she wants a child. I want to stay in my house for a reasonable amount of time – perhaps five years – and have told him he should pay the mortgage until then (which he has verbally agreed to). I appreciate that at some time we will have to divide up the assets from the house. I do not now have any dependent children although my adult son lives with me at the moment. If the other woman becomes pregnant can they force me and my son to move out of the house or divorce?

Marilyn Stowe - August 5, 2013 at 1:49pm

Dear Mary
The court will consider all the circumstances and you and your ex. It will consider your financial position :- all of it and your respective needs. Without full details of both of your entire financial positions its not possible to advise what may or may not happen. Go and take legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn.

Julie - August 6, 2013 at 8:44am

We are married for 25yrs, my husband has had affairs for past 10yrs. About 5 yrs ago he ran up massive depts, when he came back we (I foolishly) allowed them to be absorbed into the mortgage for renovations. Mortgage is in both names. He has now left to be with another woman. He is refusing to pay any mortgage repayments, and has filed for bankruptcy.
We have 2 children, 16 and 18, both in family home with me.
I work 25 hrs a week, and cannot afford payments.
Please please advise.

Marilyn Stowe - August 6, 2013 at 8:56am

Julie - August 6, 2013 at 9:03am

How do I know who gives GOOD and proper inexpensive legal advice.

Marilyn Stowe - August 6, 2013 at 9:08am

Dear Julie
Contact the Law Society of England and Wales for details of accredited family lawyers in your area. Accreditation demonstrates the family lawyer must have attained a good standard the test being “would I recommend this lawyer to a friend or family member” and if also second tier that is specialist level. I used to head this all up interview candidates and and set the exam for specialist levels in some subjects.
Regards
Marilyn

Julie - August 6, 2013 at 9:18am

Thank you for replying so quickly, good advice is reassuring in very difficult times.

Marilyn Stowe - August 6, 2013 at 9:21am

Dear Julie
Any problems please get back in touch. But there is nothing like personal face to face good legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn

Colin - August 12, 2013 at 6:13am

Dear Marilyn,
Great Blog, I’ve downloaded the book !
My wife and I are separating and are splitting our assets amicably ( or as best we can) and are now in the process of moving into separate homes. We have also agreed access to the children (I have them 3 days a week). 2 issues have a rose that are somewhat poisoning the situation.
1. A family holiday we booked back in September 2012 before any issues in the marriage, we had previously agreed for the children to go on together and try to be adults. 2 weeks prior to the holiday she changed her mind and removed my name off the holiday. Whilst I didn’t pay for the holiday directly I relieved her from contributing to the bills. What’s made it more annoying and hurtful she decided without my consent to use the flights to take her lover who is going through a divorce too. Do I have any rights in recovering costs of the holiday.
1. Whilst we have agreed not to introduce another party without consulting each other she obviously decided to take her lover on holiday with them, since returning she has been taking my children around to his house and they are playing with his son. This has been very difficult and distressing for me as one of my children told me this weekend she felt she had 2 Daddies. My wife is very single minded and since being with this other man ignores my feelings on things obviously (she stays out all night etc) however the situation with my children is becoming intolerable as it feels like she is creating an alternative family unit. Do I have any reasonable recourse in this matter?
Yours
Colin

Marilyn Stowe - August 12, 2013 at 7:53am

Dear Colin
This situation you describe is unfortunately very common and one of the most common reasons divorces are acrimonious.
Couples should ideally show the greatest respect for each other no matter the past whilst going through this very emotional and turbulent legal process. I stress “legal” because that’s what it is and both of you are ultimately subject to the jurisdiction of the court.
In dealing with children both of you should be respectful of their feelings and gradually accustom them to a different style of life going forwards.
Ideally decisions involving the children should be made consensually and even with the children if they are mature enough to understand and take part. The intention is to do what is in their best interests, not yours or your wife. The standard a court will apply is the so called “welfare test”:- the welfare of the child is paramount.
So one party taking unilateral action causing issues amongst the family, introducing a stranger into a family holiday etc doesn’t appear to be in the best interests of any of you not least because that relationship too may not last when its out in the open.
You can object to her leaving the country with the children without your consent and apply to the court to stop her, but its hard to see what this will achieve and the children will probably be very upset. It’s keeping them calm that’s the most important thing for now, both of you doing what is in their best interests and helping them the most unsettling time of their lives for now and their future.
Far better is to explain calmly to your wife how you feel and how this man is appearing to supplant you and to try and agree a parenting programme for the children going forward. Mediation can be very useful here if both of you genuinely intend to reach agreement but if one party tries to rule the roost imposing non negotiable terms and conditions it may not.
You can apply to the court to deal with specific issues contact and residence if either of you can’t reach agreement.
It’s very tough for all of you right now feelings are very raw, but principally and above all, you are their father and must act like one, as she must act like a mother too.
Regards
Marilyn

Colin - August 12, 2013 at 10:00am

Thanks Marilyn this has been extremely helpful. The holiday is past tense and only I discovered he was with them on their return (kids telling me about Mummy’s friend etc). I will discuss further with my wife and see if we can settle this issue amicably.

Marilyn Stowe - August 12, 2013 at 1:48pm

Dear Colin
Anytime.
Regards
Marilyn

Ri - August 12, 2013 at 9:22pm

Hi,
My partner moved in as a lodger and then became my partner, his wife has a daughter from a previous relationship, we have been told that unless he moves out my finances could be used to provide for her daughter. Is this correct? The daughters biological Dad already pays maintenance for her

Marilyn Stowe - August 13, 2013 at 8:19am

Dear Ri
No.
Regards
Marilyn

Ri - August 13, 2013 at 2:26pm

Thank you, I can now rest a lot easier and be ton with life a little easier.

Kind regards

Colin - August 13, 2013 at 7:24pm

Hi Marilyn,

Me Again ! My wife has said she is going to file for divorce now instead of us separating, which in theory I’m fine with. She says she intends to file for “unreasonable behaviour ” (despite its her who has had the affair) and if I don’t contest it it won’t cost me a penny ? Is this true ? Also if I agree to this will it effect the access rights we have already agreed to my children (3 nights a week) ?

Marilyn Stowe - August 14, 2013 at 4:49am

Dear Colin
You can agree the allegations with her before the petition is issued, and as long as there is no request for costs in the petition that should be fine.
Regards
Marilyn

Colin - August 14, 2013 at 7:49am

Thanks again Marilyn, this website is invaluable .

Marilyn Stowe - August 14, 2013 at 7:52am

Dear Colin
Im happy to do my bit. It’s easier this last week because Im on holiday. I can’t always reply by return but I try to reply as quickly as I can.
Regards
Marilyn

robert - August 17, 2013 at 10:31am

Hi Marilyn, your blog has been very informative, thank you very much. One question; I am going through a divorce with my wife, she has a solicitor and I chose not to. We have done the decris nisi and we are up to the financial part. Her solicitors asked for all my bank statements / work statements as i own my own company and out of this came that my wife wants a large sum of money a month plus the house signing over to her. When I have asked her, to tell me how much she is getting from the government, she won’t. Am I within my rights to see her bank statements through her solicitor as they have seen mine? I have another child on the way with my new partner and i feel the payments she wants if far too excessive. I Don’t really want to go down the route of solicitors but I will if needs be to protect my finances.
thanks in advance, have a great holiday!

Marilyn Stowe - August 18, 2013 at 7:05am

Dear Robert
The best way to do this is to issue a Form A and deal with it through the courts so there will be a full timetable, set procedure and defaults in compliance can be dealt with by the courts. There will be a requirement to file a sworn Form E by both of you at the outset which should give a complete financial picture for both of you and should be honest full and frank. You and she will thereafter be in a position to negotiate an informed settlement and if you can’t do it, the court will decide via the court process.
An alternative is to try and resolve the case via mediation. This will only work if both of you approach it with the same intent ie to provide full financial disclosure and then work out a deal that suits you both and agree it.
I would take legal advice so you know the law and how it is likely to be applied. Don’t guess. I suggest you download a copy of my book the link is on the sidebar the cost is 99p for the e book proceeds to charity, and read it, because it will give you information about the law and how it is applied. There are also specimen forms to give you an idea about how it is done.
The usual starting point once all the finances have been ascertained is to look at reasonable needs and what that means in the context of your circumstances and how those needs once defined will be met out of the income and capital of you both.
Regards
Marilyn

Fraser - August 23, 2013 at 6:32am

Hi Marilyn

I have just read your blog and found it very helpful thanks for compiling it.
I have a few questions for you and would really appreciate it if you could help?
I know my wife is having an affair as I have found one email detailing it ( i have not told her) from him i do not know his name and have seen a text from him discussing having sex I also have her phone bill which details calls and texts (lots of, up to 20 a day) but she is denying an affair and says the text was a prank from a friend she has his number saved under a girls name. I have no proof and with two small children I am unable to follow her/spy on her can you tell me what proof I need to have for adultery to be used in a divorce if she is blatantly denying it.
I am also the sole breadwinner she has not worked since we married and have two children 5 and 3 can I stop giving her any money as I know she is using it to go out with him and often stays out all night returning the next day.
She has taken out multiple credit cards in her name and spent to the limit thousands of pounds ( I have now found out) she is now ignoring the lenders phone calls and statements and not paying the minimum balances will I be required to pay these.
You discuss costs in your blog but can I be made to pay for both parties in a divorce.
Thanks in advance for your help.

Marilyn Stowe - August 23, 2013 at 5:24pm

Dear Fraser
Potentially costs can be ordered for the divorce itself, so make sure you sort that out and interim applications such as for temporary maintenance. But the general rule is each side pays their own costs provided they cooperate and don’t play dirty tricks.
Regards
Marilyn

robert - August 30, 2013 at 4:16pm

Marilyn,
Please could you give me some advise. My wife’s solicitor has sent a letter to me today saying that, because she is not working, although on the divorce petition it states self employed, an application for capital provision for their client (wife) will take place, so that both parties are on equal standing. What does this mean?
Any help greatly received thanks
Rob

Sam - September 6, 2013 at 8:23pm

Hi, I spoke to the man that my wife spent the night with the other week – he confirmed that she was with him before he realised what he said – well it was five to eight on a Sunday morning! She has indicated twice that she will admit to adultery.

We had agreed to separate before this date after I had caught her sending texts of a sexual nature to another man about three weeks previous. She had been on a “flirting” website and her phone records indicate that she had sent hundreds of messages to at least fifteen different men and forty pictures of her self over one billing period.

I’m not after advice, as I am speaking to a lawyer, suffice to say we had discussed that I would go down the unreasonable behaviour route. As I understand it, the unreasonable behaviour route gives me more opps to get more digs in, whereas if she just admits adultery that’s it done and dusted. Ha ha if only it was so easy.

I want her to feel some of the pain that I felt since the time that I first suspected. However, I realise that this is not the best thing in the long term, especially as we have two boys and she has a third son. Funny, but his dad did exactly the same to her, it wasn’t nice then and it isn’t nice now.

Jane - September 25, 2013 at 1:52pm

Hi, I am thinking of divorcing my husband as he had one affair which I forgave him for and we tried again, he then had another affair at the beginning of this year. I asked him to leave and he has been living with the other women since. We have 2 children one 18 and still in education and one 15. I have recently been made redundant and am wondering if I would have to give him any of my redundancy money if we divorce. I have proof of the affair.

Marilyn Stowe - September 25, 2013 at 2:18pm

Dear Jane
Don’t confuse the divorce with a financial settlement. They are not related. So his adultery doesn’t affect a financial settlement.
When the court assesses your finances, your reasonable needs will be considered first. So the fact you have redundancy money will be considered, but I assume it is all required to meet your on going needs especially if you haven’t got another job. Please download my 350 page book from the side bar which will cost you 99p and will give you much more detailed information about divorce and finances. All proceeds to The Children’s Society charity.
Regards
Marilyn

Alice - September 25, 2013 at 7:55pm

Can my husband divorce me for adultery if he is now living with someone else? In the eyes of the law isn’t he also committing adultery now too as we are still married? Does it matter who did it first?

He is trying to rush through a divorce all of a sudden as they are buying a house together (we have been separated 3 years) when he didn’t want to before. I received divorce papers today and feel inclined to ignore them as why should I roll over now HE wants to get on with it. Can the court grant him a divorce on grounds of adultery without me admitting it? Thanks for any advice.

Marilyn Stowe - September 26, 2013 at 1:44pm

Dear Alice
What follows is very general advice and I would advise you to go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand in respect of divorce and finances/children etc. Don’t assume you know the law because it is clear you don’t and therefore you do need guidance as to the best way to proceed.
In law both parties in theory could divorce the other if either has had a sexual relationship with another person and it is intolerable to live with the spouse thereafter. It can be used as a fact for divorce only if it has not been ‘condoned’ – I/e it is known about and done nothing about it for less than six months.
It doesn’t matter particularly who divorces the other – the parties could even divorce each other and get cross decrees, so long as the costs of the divorce are agreed first.
Divorce proceedings once issued should not be ignored as it could mean ending up with a big legal bill to pay. It is always sensible to agree with how a divorce will go forward. A request for costs if there is one in the petition can be removed and it makes sense to agree to do so and confirm in writing before the time limit is up to return the Acknowledgement of Service form which accompanies the petition.
Do see a solicitor, many offer free appointments. Also, if you haven’t already done so, make a will.
Regards
Marilyn

kaza - September 26, 2013 at 10:36pm

I wonder if you can help, myself and ex split over a year ago, he had an affair with an ex friend, then met someone else and moved in with them quickly.
we havent divorced yet but hope to soon, can I still put adultry down as its over a year and I don’t really see why I should pay costs, its very bitter we have a child together and he has stopped paying maintence as states he isn’t working, really seems unfair . thanks

Charles - October 3, 2013 at 8:28pm

Hi my wife asked me for a temporary separation on the 8th september after this I found out she had been secretly meeting sn ex boyfriend his former partner has since contacted me andtold me they have been doing it months.she has sent me copies of texts he sent her stating names and that he and my wife had slept togethe these messages have his picture and phone number on them as they were sent from his smart phone I also have her facebook messages to him stating there love for one another and arranging one of these meetings….is this enough evidence or am I way off. …any advice would be appreciated.

Marilyn Stowe - October 3, 2013 at 8:59pm

Dear Charles
To divorce you need to show your marriage has irretrievably broken down and adultery is one reason but unreasonable behaviour is another, and you don’t need to resort to underhand tactics of any kind to prove this.
Go and see a solicitor. You should really be thinking about the consequences of a breakdown from a financial perspective and most of all about the children if there are any.
I am sure you are deeply hurt and feel betrayed and you are going through all the bad times that follow relationship breakdown but you do need to focus on moving forward positively.
I hope all goes well for you,
Regards
Marilyn

Florence - October 9, 2013 at 3:36pm

I told my spouse that I wanted a divorce in Dec 2006, I was unable to move and and I lived in the spare room until late july 2007 when I moved in with my mother, I started dating someone at the end of nov 2007 after I moved out, I just recently had to money to file for a divorce, me and they guy I started dating moved in together in February of 2008 and in july 2012 we had a baby together and pkan on getting married after the divorce is final, the man im still legally married to has been accecpting of this realtionship, but his new live in girlfriend is causing a problem and says that they can use this aginst me as adultry and get my child support stopped, is there any truth to this???

Polgara - October 21, 2013 at 8:45am

Hello all, I have found the contents of this website very pertinent to my very case. My husband has been abusive to me for over 3 and a half years and when he threatened me with a knife, I left home with my daughter (who was nearly 3 at the time) and we was placed in a refuge. He has found messages on my phone and forwarded them to his email (that is what he said). These messages were between me and a man. My husband’s sister says she took pictures of my messages. Because the refuge we were in had a ‘no contact with perpetrator’ policy it was awkward for me to let him see Justine and mediation was not appropriate. He has now applied for a contact order to see our daughter and mentioned those messages in the statement. I have always felt uncomfortable about the fact that both him and his sister think they can sneak in my private property like that. Do I have ground to sue them for invasion of privacy?

Kate - October 21, 2013 at 2:09pm

Dear Mariyln
My husband as I separated 3 years ago. I remain in the home we shared (rented) with three children. We purchased an property 4 years ago (in his sole name but I paid a large portion of the deposit) but didn’t live in it. He has been paying the rent in full for the house the children and I occupy on the understanding he keeps the other property (which his new partner and her son now live in with him). Last month he halved the payments meaning it’s no longer affordable to stat here. He paid consistently until then and now cites he can’t afford to pay (still has same well paid job as before). Will the courts look favourably upon the fact he has paid for the last three years and without this we would be homeless?

Many thanks for reading

Shane - October 21, 2013 at 7:34pm

Hey Marilyn. My wife has been chatting with a friend sexually and about things they could do together but have not performed the act of intercourse. Is this considered infidelity and grounds for immediate divorce?

Luke - October 21, 2013 at 9:36pm

Shane, I’m sure you will get the answer from Marilyn (I suspect it’s No) but if you want to divorce why don’t you go for good ole’ Unreasonable Behaviour – it’s a catch-all and anyway that sure as he** sounds unreasonable to me…

Andrew - October 21, 2013 at 10:30pm

The top myth of all time about adultery is that it means drinking in the pub with the grown-ups; at least that is what somebody told the Queen’s (or probably the King’s) Proctor he thought it meant.

And a judge of a previous generation said that the only place which was impossible was – perhaps – the ceiling.

Pardon my levity . . .

Sue - October 22, 2013 at 1:11pm

Hi there, I have been with my partner 5 years, married for the last 2. I have just found out he had an affair during the first year we were together, before we married. He has also been in text contact up to 20 times per day with her for at least the last year. Can I divorce for adultery or would it have to be unreasonable behaviour? Also he was penniless when we met and I have my own property. He has not financially contributed in the full 5 years. Will he have a claim on anything?

Marilyn Stowe - October 25, 2013 at 5:51pm

Dear Sue
You aren’t entitled to access his texts if he hasn’t consented. Technically it’s illegal. People get really hung up about divorcing for adultery or behaviour, but
unreasonable behaviour is more straightforward and doesn’t require additional proof.
As to finances, the court will consider reasonable needs within the context of the factors of Section 25 Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. Download my book for 99p from the sidebar for much more information about what it means and how it is applied. It’s too complicated to set out here, particularly without any knowledge of the facts of your case.
Regards
Marilyn

Andrew - October 22, 2013 at 3:29pm

You mean he was having another affair while you and he were having an affair?

Not adultery, not even unreasonable behaviour, you can’t behave unreasonably to somebody you aren’t married to.

As for the texting: well, I will be interested to see what Marilyn thinks but I would guess that a lot must depend on what they said.

As for the money: you married him. What sort of claim he will have I cannot say, but in principle Yes he will ahve a claim and why not?

Sue - October 22, 2013 at 4:09pm

Hi Andrew, I didn’t have an affair with him! I don’t think you have read my message correctly! I have been in a relationship with him 5 years and married him 2 years ago, I have just found out 3 weeks ago that he had a sexual affair with her during our first year together. I also know that he has secretly had a text/phone affair with her for the last year…which I think is unreasonable behaviour! I have owned the property for 10 years. He had nothing when I met him and has not contributed financially to the household during our 5 years together, so I would not think he is eligible for a claim on my property?

Andrew - October 22, 2013 at 4:15pm

All I meant is that while you and he were “together” but not married as far as the law is concerned he could not commit adultery. As for the u.b. – as I said I don’t know, but I doubt it.

As for the house – if it was the other way round you would be wanting a share, so why wouldn’t he have a claim?

I take it there are no children; if there are that is another story.

Lukey - October 25, 2013 at 6:10pm

I don’t know why people get hung up about this – just go for divorce on Unreasonable Behaviour if you want a reason – it’s really easy, just right down a few complaints (your lawyer will help you !)and that’s it, whether the other party denies them or not is largely irrelevant.

We don’t have No-Fault divorce in this country – but in practice we effectively do…

Marilyn Stowe - October 25, 2013 at 6:24pm

Dear Lukey
We don’t. The court still has to be satisfied. However it is true that it is easier to proceed on the basis of irretrievable breakdown because of UB than adultery. I do think the law should change to permit divorce without fault, but although many agree with me, there is vast disagreement as to what should actually be required eg separation for a period of time.
Regards
Marilyn

Jane - November 11, 2013 at 1:12pm

Hi Marilyn
I’ve downloaded you book and it is very helpful thank you.
I have been married for 15½ years and we have children. He had a nervous breakdown and lost his job a few years ago, so in order to support the family I went back to work. He has always claimed he was incapable of working, but now has just started a course to retrain.
I feel like a bitch – we had counselling as sex was an issue, and things have been better between us, but I started a “no Strings” affair with someone else and I didn’t feel guilty (I know – what a cold-hearted bitch!). And yes, I was trying to “have my cake and eat it”. But now I have slept with and deveoped feelings for someone else, who isn’t ready for a relationship, so I am under no illusion that he will “rescue” me. But it has all made me realise that I am no longer in love with my husband.
If I tell him I want divorce on the grounds of my adultery, am I going to lose my children? He has been the main carer as I have been working.

Marilyn Stowe - November 11, 2013 at 3:42pm

Dear Jane
I have found on many occasions that women have relationships outside their marriage because there are fundamental problems in it. Adultery doesn’t make you a bad mother or less deserving financially on divorce. Don’t worry, the court considers the welfare of the children and that usually means they need both parents.
Don’t let emotion cloud your thinking. You need to focus on how life will be, where you all will live, the arrangements for the children, how it’s afforded, contributions necessary from both of you.
Don’t best yourself up, get some good personal legal advise and focus on what is relevant.
Regards,
Marilyn

Luke - November 11, 2013 at 5:25pm

“We don’t. The court still has to be satisfied. However it is true that it is easier to proceed on the basis of irretrievable breakdown because of UB than adultery.”
===============================

Oh I think we do, I used the word “effectively” because I am talking about what happens in practice. If one’s lawyer cannot advise a client what to say in order to get an “Unreasonable Behaviour” reason to be accepted by the court then they are incompetent.

I feel sorry for your husband Jane but you are no worse than men who have affairs and fall out of love – humans are not really designed to be married in my opinion.

Gaye - November 13, 2013 at 1:54pm

Got married in Sept 2012 after 7 years and 2 kids together, two months after I married, discovered my husband had been having two year affair and she was three months pregnant with his baby. We separated, baby was born eight and a half months after our marriage in May. I have filed for divorce now on grounds of adultery but he is denying adultery, saying in the two months we were still together he didn’t have sexual relations with her. Where do I stand on that? Can he deny it and get the adultery defeated or does the fact there is a baby act as a slam dunk? I don’t really care what grounds I divorce him on as long as I get the divorce but was advised to go the adultery route. Just wondering if that is the correct course of action. Thanks

Andrew - November 13, 2013 at 2:08pm

If he defends the divorce and persuades that he had no sexual relations with this lady after the marriage the the petition must fail. Intercourse with her before you married him is not adultery.

Andrew - November 13, 2013 at 2:17pm

In any event if you learnt two months after the marriage (about adultery after the marriage) that brings you to November 2012 – after six months you had “condoned” it and cannot rely on it.

Which is another reason why, as others have said, we need to go over to no-fault divorce and leave conduct out of the picture when dividing up the assets.

dazzle - November 17, 2013 at 3:33pm

Hi Marilyn. .
I got seperated from my husband this april and he put up a case on me as adultery in kuwait. Where as I didn’t commit. He is claming of having evidence against me. What are the possible ways to get safe of this accusation?

Marilyn Stowe - November 18, 2013 at 11:51am

Dear Dazzle
If your husband is petitioning in England and Wales then he has to satisfy the court in the face of your denial that there has been adultery. If you deny the allegation, then the case is defended and may go to court for a judge to decide.
But this seems to me to be a waste of time and money for both of you. If your marriage has irretrievably broken down then you need to consider how to sensibly end this marriage. He could amend his petition to unreasonable behaviour and if you agree the allegations and there is no claim for costs against you, let him divorce you.
You could cross petition for divorce against him perhaps doing so on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour and if he amends his petition, you could even both divorce the other.
Why not go and see a solicitor for advice and at the same time find out what the financial position is too, and that of the children if you have any. Finances and children are very important and you must make sure you are protected.
Regards
Marilyn

Clare - November 17, 2013 at 6:58pm

Hi , can I site adultery in my divorce ? In January this year I discovered my husband had been on a married affairs website and was arranging to meet women for sex . He also met a woman but he denies he had sex ( he also denied he had been on the site , so not sure if he tells the truth) I copied the conversations he had with all these women that he had had several shorts lasting affairs during our marriage . We have been going to mediation to sort finances and children , but I want to file for divorce sooner rather than later. Can I use adultery or do I have to use unreasonable behaviour ?

Andrew - November 17, 2013 at 8:26pm

If you discovered it in January you have condoned it – see 13 November 2.17 p.m.

Forgive me, but if you think you have enough material for u.b. why do you want to allege adultery? One decree of divorce will do, won’t it?

Luke - November 17, 2013 at 10:13pm

Why are so many people keen to go into court claiming adultery instead of unreasonable behaviour when unreasonable behaviour is so much easier to claim and – unless you come up with silly reasons – will always be accepted ?

It seems to me there is an element of attempting to shame their spouse. You may feel very aggrieved but the truth is that your partner could have had sex with an entire football team of the other gender – the courts don’t care – it’s NOT going to get you a better settlement.

Clare - November 17, 2013 at 10:51pm

Thanks for your comments . After finding out he was on the married affairs website arranging to meet women for sex I made him move out …. Since then we are trying to sell house and sort finances and kids . I don’t want finances for me but the children’s futures secure they are only 6 and 7 … Yes I want to cite adultery because that’s what has torn this family and our marriage apart and distorted my world . Yes it’s also unreasonable behaviour but first and foremost it’s adultery

Marilyn Stowe - November 18, 2013 at 11:34am

Dear Clare
Thanks for contacting me. I think the basis on which you allege the marriage has irretrievably broken down is not as important as securing your future.
If you have concrete evidence of your husband’s adultery (and the easiest way is to get him to agree he committed adultery with a person whose name he does not wish to disclose on a given date) then by all means divorce on the basis of adultery. However there is a risk if he denies it and you cant prove it.
You can petition for unreasonable behaviour and you can then include into your petition everything you know about him provided you obtained the data legally.
It is possible to agree the content of the divorce petition before its issued, in order for it to proceed smoothly.
More importantly, and this is something that I say many times, is that people get too emotionally involved in getting divorced and pay less attention to what matters most:- securing their future financially and those of the children. I’m surprised you aren’t seeking advice on your entitlements which include a fair share of capital and income, in order to meet your reasonable needs and those of your children.
I would advise you to download my book which you can do on the side bar of this blog and read it. It will cost you 99p and the proceeds go to charity. All the information you want about the divorce process is there as is information about what you can claim financially for yourself and the children. You may be unaware of the extent of your claim and its important you do know as soon as possible.
Don’t agree to sell the house until you at least have a plan about the future, you know where you are going and its all agreed.
But before you do anything further at all, don’t waste your time on what is largely irrelevant for the future well being of you and your family, and I urge you, to go and see a solicitor and get some personal advice.
Regards
Marilyn

Andrew - November 18, 2013 at 8:54am

Clare, a very wise man remarked that “He who seeketh revenge keepeth his own wound green” – and forgive him his sexist language, it was four hundred years ago and that’s how people then wrote.

You sound like a reasonable type – you are trying to reach a settlement with him, and that will probably include continued contact with the children and therefore with him. Please, I beg you as one who has advised men and women going through divorce (and as you have such young children I must also be decades older than you) don’t go the adultery route because it will feel better now. Go u.b.

And that of course is apart from the danger that he will deny it or plead condonation – and if you lose a *defended* divorce he will get his costs – or even that a DJ will refuse his certificate and make it all slower and more complicated for you both.

Please make the right decision and all the best in any event.

Clare - November 18, 2013 at 12:59pm

Thank you for your comments . Marilyn I have ordered your book to read and will take your advice in it . It seems I will have to take the ub route as he says he will deny adultery as I cannot prove it . And without his agreeing to that , I can’t see how I would prove it . I have evidence of his conversations with all these women as he left it all on the family computer . But as I am getting so much grief from him I just want this chapter of my life now closed and put in past . I realize I need to continue with mediation over the children and finance ( which is an awful process as he is very hostile in his attitude and saying I not agreeing to his changing times/days with the contact of the children when we had already agreed on it !! This is why I am chasing set times and days and it only changed if the children have other commitments and not the adults as he swooping and changing just because he wants to go out socially …. Finances is another issue and far more complicated . But as I can no longer get legal aid to get professional advice and because I am now on benefits looking after my elderly mother and my 6 children that live at home ( my eldest two are adults but cannot afford to live in rented accommodation ) I am very much stuck with what the mediator comes up with . I will read the book so that I am better prepared for the next mediation ( which I also have to pay for because of the rule changes that happened in April this year) which is also a really expensive process for me but will give the children some protection financially .
But I want the divorce sorted as I want some closure on this awful year , which has wrecked and torn apart our family.
Thank you for your help

Andrew - November 18, 2013 at 1:40pm

Marilyn, I don’t know about you, but I get more convinced as the days roll by that if one party to a marriage says in some official formal way “it’s over” it is over!

There should be just two facts: three months’ separation and consent, or one year’s separation. Since the introduction of pension sharing “grave financial hardship” has become a dead letter and should be dropped.

Then the parties could get donw to discussing what matters: children and money, preferably in that descending order of importance.

Andrew - November 18, 2013 at 6:26pm

Clare: all I can do is wish you well, which I do from the bottom of my heart.

Ella Robinson - November 25, 2013 at 1:12am

Hi. My husband and I recently separated after a violent incident. I didn’t report it to the police at the time as I deemed him to be unwell. His gp referred him to the mental health team as they clearly believed the same, he subsequently didn’t attend these appointments. Although he was no longer living in our family home, I believed that we were still trying to work at our marriage. I then discovered that he had met someone online and is now having a sexual relationship with her. We have 3 children, a mortgage in joint names, a loan in joint names and he is refusing to attend mediation to try and sort it out and has asked me not to divorce him on the grounds of adultery. I’m kind of at a loss of what to do. He is paying child maintenance but nothing else and I have just had to give up my job that I have held for 12 years to care for the children and claiming benefits.

Marilyn Stowe - November 25, 2013 at 1:42pm

Dear Ella
Could I suggest you download my book from the sidebar of the blog? It will cost you 99p which is going to charity and it will fully explain everything that happens in a divorce that you need to think about such as divorce, parenting the children, finances, housing, and violence. You should also give Child Maintenance Options a call and they will advise you about the possibility of an agreement about child support and how to proceed if that’s not possible via the Child Maintenance Service.
I would also suggest you contact a local solicitor near to you and get some personal legal advice going forward.
Regards,
Marilyn

Name Witheld - November 27, 2013 at 2:11pm

Dear Marilyn,

I am contacting you on behalf of my sister. she lives in Cyprus and caught her husband cheating in May. They have twin boys aged 5. I am writing to you as we are very confused. He wont move out and apparently he doesn’t have to. He is coming and going in and out of the house at all hours disturbing them as they sleep. Her Lawyer says that adultery is not grounds for divorce, which I thought it was. She ultimately wants to move back to the UK with us. She has no family in Cyprus as we all live here. The country is also going through a recession which is making it harder to live out there. He gives her 360 euros a month for both children. What are her chances of ever moving back, she is deeply unhappy. We don’t know if her lawyer is advising her wrongly or we are being paranoid and impatient. Her father-in-law went to their house and took her and the kids passports, she now has them back in the last week but only because we managed through the courts to get the no fly list ban lifted for two weeks whilst she comes for Christmas. That is the very short version of what has been happening.

Many thanks for reading

Betty - December 2, 2013 at 7:54pm

Hi Marilyn,
My ex and i split over 18 months ago but only started divorce proceedings approx 6 months ago.
I am a full time mum and have a new partner, how would moving in with a new partner effect custody in a divorce, if it can at all?

Darryl - December 3, 2013 at 11:46pm

Hi Marilyn
After being married for 17 years my husband left me in October 2010 because we used to argue we have two children aged 8 and 21. We lived in a rented house that I couldn’t afford to live in on my own and was too big to manage, so we moved into a tiny cottage that I could manage. He told me a month ago that for the past two years he has been living with another women. We had no idea of this because he used to visit the girls at my house. This has totally devastated me and my eldest daughter as my husband and I were getting on so well. The women he lives with own her home which is quite big. She has a very good job and has just bought herself a new car. I only work part time in a temporary job. My husband used to renovate properties and rents out one house to a couple. He also has a property in France and he has told me that the women he lives with put quite a considerable amount of money into another property he was renovating about 6 years ago – he said that he did not leave me for this women and was not in a relationship with her when she put money into this property. My question is what am I entitled to as non of the properties are in name although most of our married life I supported him financially and what happens to the property in France. Can I claim half of all the properties and is her finances taken into account when sorting out the financial settlement. I know I only have until May if I want to divorce him on the grounds of adultery. I wish I didn’t have to do any of this as I still love him a lot and wish he would come back to us but he will not.

Marilyn Stowe - December 6, 2013 at 5:05pm

Dear Darryl
There is a lot here and I’m going to advise you to buy my book Divorce and Splitting Up which will cost you 99p and proceeds go to charity. You can divorce on unreasonable behaviour as well as adultery. Condoning the adultery actually means taking him back and living with him for more than six months after you find out about it.
As to ownership of properties generally that doesn’t matter as long as the properties are owned by one or both of you. It becomes trickier if its owned by a third party, but not insurmountable.
Read the book and then when you are more clued up take your own personal legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn

Sally - December 4, 2013 at 2:16am

Hi Marilyn, just after a bit of advice. My partner separated from his wife over 3 years ago and gave her divorce papers done by private lawyer a year ago. Due to being posted overseas he was unaware that she never signed the papers and has since found out that he is still legally married. She had moved out of their house but not changed all her details as she wanted to reconcile and I believe still might. She has also since found out about me and is one minute claiming adultry against him then telling him she will not agree to a 2 year separation divorce reason. Where do we go with this as I don’t even know if we can prove they have been separated. Any help is appreciated so we can move on and be happy again.

Marilyn Stowe - December 6, 2013 at 5:01pm

Dear Sally
First of all its not you, who needs to take advice and to act, its your partner and I always worry when I hear like this from their new partners. Does he really want his divorce? How can he have thought he was divorced when he never received any papers to tell him he was? On what basis did he start proceedings against her originally? Why did they stop? Can they be continued? What about a financial settlement?
I think he needs to contact a lawyer if he really wants to do so, and get it sorted. A divorce can be resolved between them providing that’s what he really wants. But;is he actually ok with things as they are now? Does that suit him better?
Regards
Marilyn

Russ - December 17, 2013 at 12:43am

Hi Marilyn, My wife and I decided to go our separate a few months back, as part of this we both had other interested parties. While mine progressed my spouse has denied that hers has although she is still heavily involved with them. We have sorted out the finances and have put in place to equally share our two children. However she wishes to legally draw up a financial separation rather than divorce. I feel a little uneasy about this, I would like to make sure my future was financially secure for my new partner and her children. would my spouse be able to come back for a second time should her / my financial circumstances change, ie inheritance, pension etc.
Should a divorce be the only water tight option, and my spouse would not file for divorce, could I file for it myself? even though i potentially would be the guilty party. Thanks for any help.

Marilyn Stowe - December 17, 2013 at 7:22am

Dear Russ
You can draw up a separation agreement which is intended to bind both parties now and after a divorce – the agreement will state that an order in terms of the agreement will be made on divorce and both parties claims against the other will be dismissed. To make sure it is as water tight as possible both parties should be legally advised, there should be full frank and honest disclosure of both your respective financial positions and it should be drafted and signed by both of you and your solicitors.
However even so, sometimes there are get outs, the court doesn’t just rubber stamp the agreement although it’s not easy to get out if done correctly and both parties were legally advised.
Unless and until the order is made there is no certainty, so my view is that if your marriage is over hen divorce makes sense. Either of you can divorce the other on the basis of unreasonable behaviour – presumably there were issues with her behaviour that you weren’t happy about which led to the breakdown of your marriage.
Go and see a solicitor for more specific advise. It looks as though your wife is trying to hedge her bets. You should take the lead if you want out and you want the agreement turned into a court order.
Regards
Marilyn

anonymous - December 23, 2013 at 7:52pm

Hi Marilyn.
my husband and i have been separated for 3 1/2 years. I asked him to leave after i discovered his numerous affairs.
we have tried to get back together since but his other women and holidays with his friends have always come before me and the children.
we have tried again recently but while he was trying with me he also had another women who is now pregnant with his child.
i have had enough now, i desperately want a divorce but he will not give me one.
he has told me i have to wait for the full 5 years.
is there anything i can do as regards to this?
he has contact with our children every other weekend unless he cancels, he speaks to them weekly yet he is threatening a custody battle which is upsetting me and the children.
He lives a very lavish life but gives me minimal support and watches me and the children struggle financially bragging that his life is so much better than ours.
i desperately need to know where i stand and any advice would be gratefully received.
Many Thanks

Marilyn Stowe - December 24, 2013 at 12:17pm

Dear Anonymous,
You can get divorced straight away without needing his consent. You can divorce on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour and adultery. Go to Gov.uk get a divorce and follow the steps set out. Or instruct a solicitor. As to contact with the children this needs to be agreed and also the financial side too. You can download my book Divorce and Splitting Up from the side bar for 99p and I believe it will be free for a short period soon around 31st December. It has 300 pages and contains all the info you need to understand the position in relation to everything. It is a best seller so it must be good!
Regards
Marilyn

anonymous - December 26, 2013 at 11:14am

hi marilyn.
I am the third party. He moved out to her 9 months ago,and live on his own for 2 months and after that we decided to live together in one roof until this time. I recieved a letter from the wife’s solicitor stating that if she file a divorce, i will be the one to pay for the settlements. I want to know my rights as well as a third party involved. They have irreconcileable differences, the wife has been emotionally abusive to him during their marriage and cannot accept that he has another child to another woman 12 yrs ago. This situation are very stressfull to me, what his wife want him to do is to left me and live his life on his own instead, because she cannot accept the fact that he is happy with me..Does she has any rights to put me in court?due to her bitterness..

Thank you very much.

Krish - December 28, 2013 at 1:55pm

My wife has left me after I found sexual messages she had been texting to another man,she got the police in order for her to leave,I have never been violent to my wife in our 19 years of marriage.
She is claiming I repeatably beat her and is frightened of me.like I say I have never hit my wife,i love her so much.

she has had a restraining order put on me as I tried to phone constantly for a answer to what she had done.

she has been to see a solicitor to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Is she not the one who was being unreasonable?

I have asked her to go to relate but wont,she wont meet to talk.

I love my wife and would do anything for her to come home

what can I do???

Marilyn Stowe - December 28, 2013 at 8:44pm

Dear Krish
Coming to terms with the end of a relationship when it’s imposed on you is very difficult but if it’s what your ex wants,then you should respect her decision. Get some good counselling yourself, I think its invaluable. Then sort out the practical side. There’s more about when it’s over in my book which is free right now to download from the side bar of this blog. Read it for legal advice about what to do, rather than pretend its not happening.
Good luck, do keep away from her for your own benefit and to respect her decision,
Regards
Marilyn

Mick - December 30, 2013 at 4:28pm

Please help!!!!
I split with my wife February 2013. Have 3 children who I regularly see as agreed between us. I pay csa maintenance and have tried at all times to be respectfull to my wife
Avoiding all ranting in the street and social media to which she and her family have carried out. The problem I have is I am now in a new relationship with a wonderful girl who has helped me rebuild my life. My seperated wife has also began anew rrelationship with someone and they live together. Again I have refrain ed from any comments to this apart from to wish her well.
I now want to proceed with divorcing her which opened up a torrent of abuse and name calling to which I ignored. However the upshot of it is she will only divorce me on grounds of adultery.
I understand I am in a new relationship whilst still married but no adultery took place whilst I was living in marital home. We both entered into new relationships at same time approximately. However she refuses a divorce unless I name my new partner as adulterer. This obviously affects our ability to re marry in a church and is not true.
Do I have any options as I really want to obtain divorce quickly for the correct reason of breamk down of marriage

Marilyn Stowe - January 3, 2014 at 8:03am

Dear Mick
You could divorce her on the basis of her adultery or probably better still, her unreasonable behaviour. Go to the http://www.gov.uk/divorce website and follow the step by step procedure.
Regards
Marilyn

Denny - January 6, 2014 at 4:43pm

I am very worried about my friend ( yes really ), a man whose wife left him after at least two affairs, the home is in Gosport, her job was in the Inns of Court London, became pregnant as a result of one of the affairs and left her husband looking after the two children they had between them. One approaching her teens and her brother some four years younger.
She resigns London post. Returns to live in Gosport. She then leaves father of baby, lives on her own with baby for a while. She has now taken up residence in the rented home of her husband, has taken over the tenancy and has embarked on another affair. My friend went through rehab for a drink addiction and did so very well, he is now drinking again caused by the situation and sniping from his wife.
We keep saying ( his brother and I ) that he should get a divorce but he states she will not divorce him. Surely he has a huge case based on the adulterous behaviour of his wife let alone her verbal abuse.
Can you please advise, thank you so much. Denny.

Luke - January 6, 2014 at 7:54pm

“She has now taken up residence in the rented home of her husband, has taken over the tenancy and has embarked on another affair.”
========================

He allowed her to do all that !!!

Good grief, what a doormat, some people are beyond belief, tell him to put his big boy pants on and get shot of her – and divorce after all that you describe is REALLY simple.

FIS - January 22, 2014 at 12:47pm

I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years. My husband moved out in August 2012, 17 months ago and I filed for divorce last year February 2013 on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. He challenged all suits of the divorce and made it difficult for the divorce to go ahead. I have spent over £3200 so far on solicitors fees but to no avail. He got his parents to bully me and try and coerce me to get back into the marriage, which I refused. He later admitted through his solicitors in writing to my solicitors in November 2013 that another woman had a baby for him whilst we are still married.

My question is: If I change the divorce petition to grounds of his adultery, will this speed things up. Will the courts consider the letter from his solicitors of a baby with someone as proof of adultery. He is claiming that he will contest the divorce on the grounds that he committed adultery because I made it difficult for him to remain in the house.

Wendy - January 22, 2014 at 8:57pm

Hello,
I am a bit confused, let’s say someone separated in January and moved out of the marital home and then met someone 2 months later, is this considered adultery and also can my spouse use this in the divorce proceedings if he knew about this person back in March but has only recently filed for divorce 7 months after the fact! You state something that the person can not state adultery if it is more then 6 months, does this mean he should have filed the divorce within the 6 months of knowing I met someone after we had separated and not 7 months later? And does he have the grounds to still do so?

Marilyn Stowe - January 26, 2014 at 1:11pm

Dear Wendy
Adultery is adultery whether the married couple are separated or not. If he knew and continued to live with you for six months after then he condoned it. If you weren’t living together then he didn’t condone it.
Regards
Marilyn

Georgie - January 30, 2014 at 6:15am

Hi,
My husband requested we separate having been on a trial break for just 2 weeks, as he met somebody else. He didn’t think it was cheating if we were not living together but it is!
He asked me for a divorce but i feel that things were not sufficiently attempted to be resolved, and so i said no as he has no grounds to divorce me on.
Then i had a casual fling which he has since found out about and which i admitted to him. And i am just waiting for the papers to come through on the grounds of adultery.
Does it matter who divorces who? Neither of us have any assets that have not already been split, and so who should divorce who? I still don’t want to do it yet as i am not ready but if he gets the ball rolling will he have to pay the legal fees?
Thanks
Georgie

Marilyn Stowe - February 1, 2014 at 8:52pm

Dear Georgie
Don’t get hung up about who divorces who. It shouldn’t matter as long as there are no costs implications of the divorce for you. You should agree this and you are right to raise this. If he has a solicitor the costs could be very expensive. If there isn’t a solicitor involved there are court fees so perhaps he pays or you split them. Consider also whether you want a financial order that closes off your claims against each other and finally make a will.
Regards
Marilyn

Remz - February 17, 2014 at 12:17am

Hello
My wife moved out with my child and has since denied me access to her she is 2 years old for the last two weeks now. Now she has sent me a court notice for a divorce and asking for costs and child maintenence. I have got proof of her cheating on me and thats why she moved out but i got to know of it after she moved out. She knows that i know about it and she is living with this other man now. My question is should i counter the claim as i have stronger grounds and proof, will it help me get the costs out of her rather than me paying for it as i havent even asked for a divorce and it isnt my fault to begin with. Secondly about the child will i have to pay any maintenence for the child even though she might have to take the child back to her country. What if i say i dont want to keep or see the child ? What sort of outcome am i looking at ? An early reply would be really appreciated as im very confused and have to send acknowledgement whether to contest or not and if not how can it affect me ? Thanks

Jayne - February 18, 2014 at 10:12pm

Hi
Looking for some advice
I split with my husband in April 2012 after a number of years of controlling behaviour ! I’ve now met someone & looking at divorcing my ex.
We have already sold the house so no assets & our son is 21 years old so no dependents so was hoping to do it myself & just pay court costs ?
My question is this I am happy to admit to abandonment & even adultery if it helps but how do I file for divorce if I’m admitting ??
I don’t have any real contact with my ex anymore so can’t really discuss anything with him ?

Marilyn Stowe - February 20, 2014 at 12:09pm

Dear Jayne
You can divorce on the basis of two years separation by consent from April 2014. You need to get him to agree to this procedure and he will have to file his consent when he receives the divorce petition. Alternatively you could apply based on his unreasonable behaviour towards you during the marriage where his consent is not necessary.
You need to agree how the divorce fees of £410 will be shared between you.
It might be quicker and easier to do this through a solicitor rather than struggle yourself and your solicitor could seek all the costs from your ex or you could agree to share them. If you do want to do it yourself, the http://www.gov.uk/divorce site will help you further.
Regards
Marilyn

Ian webberley - February 19, 2014 at 3:31pm

Hi.

Please could you advise me. My marriage has broken down, and I have moved out of the marital home however we are not in a position to buy each other out, so my name is still on the mortgage. Also I still pay 1/2 of the monthly mortgage cost. My wife is considering moving a lodger in and is looking to become a landlord. Do I have any rights to block this as I still feel that it is half my discussion on the say of house matters
Thanks

Marilyn Stowe - February 20, 2014 at 11:59am

Dear Ian
You do and so does the Building Society who would need to consent to the tenancy.
Regards
Marilyn

Remz - February 20, 2014 at 9:49pm

My wife moved out with my child and has since denied me access to her she is 2 years old for the last two weeks now. Now she has sent me a court notice for a divorce and asking for costs and child maintenence. I have got proof of her cheating on me and thats why she moved out but i got to know of it after she moved out. She knows that i know about it and she is living with this other man now. My question is should i counter the claim as i have stronger grounds and proof, will it help me get the costs out of her rather than me paying for it as i havent even asked for a divorce and it isnt my fault to begin with. Secondly about the child will i have to pay any maintenence for the child even though she might have to take the child back to her country. What if i say i dont want to keep or see the child ? What sort of outcome am i looking at ? An early reply would be really appreciated as im very confused and have to send acknowledgement whether to contest or not and if not how can it affect me ? Thanks

ani - February 23, 2014 at 10:17pm

I have left my husband in June 2011 because of violence. we have been married for 5 years and 1 year lived together before we got married. We bought 3 properties over the years but he put them under his name with the excuse that i was full time student and not working and unable to add me on the mortgages. a year later we had a little girl and soon after he become so controlling and violent. We have lived together for 5 years and been separated for 3 years but still married. A month later after separation he moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 children from previous relationships. I have had an occupational order on 1 of the property , non molestation order against him and land registry for the property i have got back in. I worked in 3 places, helped friends with their children just to get money for the bills and to put food on our table. I felt so sad and helpless with the little one but i did not give up. The petition for divorce was submitted to court in November 2011. last year he finally signed the petition. i got in touch with the mortgage company to see if the court will be able to transfer the property on my name when divorced and they have told me that because i am not on the mortgage i need to have an income of 40 000 pound to do so, or combined income from both of us to be transferred on my name. i got really stressed because i don’t earn that much money, he work for himself and do not declare any incomes so i cant prove that he hides funds. He live with his mistress for almost 3 years. I recently found out that he sold on of the property 2 years ago behind my back although i put all the assets we own when submitted my petition. this week i found out that he moved in in the other property with his girlfriend and her children. i am devastated. Can she claim rights on the house as common wife as well if she pays all the bills?. I could not manage to pay my bills and have food on the table. he pays only 300 maintenance for the Little one. They go on holiday 5 times a year and we are struggling. I am filling the FE form at the moment to submit to court with the degree nisi. What are my right and entitlements as per the situation I am in. I am worried that he will leave us on the street with nothing. I have become anxious, stressed constantly, been in hospital several times, the situation effected my life and well-being so much. I cant afford a solicitor and will defend myself in court. Please help.

Adam - February 26, 2014 at 2:04pm

Hi Marilyn
I just want to check me and my wife seperated a month ago and now she has filed for a divorce and we have mutally agreed that we will not contest it if she drops the request of me paying the costs which she has agreed. We also have a 2 year old daughter from our marriage and she applied for residence order for her but now we are coming to a mutual agreement on her, but she wants to get a court order of what we decide amongst us is that a possibilty or do we have to go to our hearings. I am a bit confused on it and your help will be very beneficial on this matter thank you

Paul - February 26, 2014 at 3:47pm

Adam, if you drag it out a bit and wait until the revised Children Act amendments come into force later this year then your wife would not obtain a residence order because they won’t exist any longer. I would advise you to look instead for a Child Arrangements Order which doesn’t specify who is boss. A residence order allows the resident parent to all intent and purpose, to dictate to and oppress the inferior ‘contact’ parent. If you anticipate a dodgy future relationship with your ex, you need to retain as many cards as possible, including child benefit if you already have it. If you’re already involved in proceedings, by all means act reasonably and amicably but watch your step at all times. These situations can deteriorate in an instance.

Angela - March 1, 2014 at 9:32pm

I committed adultery last year due to my marriage breaking down. We used separate bedrooms for four months and then I moved out of the house and have been living in another house for 2 months now. My husband wants me to come back to ‘give it another try’ but I want a divorce and to ‘move on’ . I want a divorce as quickly as possible now as I have a new partner and we want to live together, so what steps do I need to take?

Andrew - March 2, 2014 at 9:43am

Tell him that if he will change his mind and divorce you on the grounds of your adultery you will not defend and will agree a consent order under which you take nothing and transfer the house to him (I take it you are joint owners) which in the circumstances sounds fair. Or wait five years for his consent but I guess you don’t want to do that.

js - March 2, 2014 at 10:14pm

Hi,
My husband and I have been seperated for 2 1/2yrs he left me and my 3 children… I started dating about a year and half ago and got pregnant by my former boyfriend.. is that considered adultry in the courts eyes? He also has been living with his girlfriend and they rented a house together… will I still be entitled to allimony?

Andrew - March 3, 2014 at 8:41am

Yes, JS, if you get pregnant by your former boyfriend that is adultery. He can divorce you or you can divorce him for desertion. Whether you can get maintenance, as it is now called depends on many things which you don’t mention but don’t count on it.

Your post has an American twang to it and if you are there you are unwise to look for advice on an English blog!

Suzanna Anderson - March 4, 2014 at 11:43am

Hi,
My husband and I are still married but have been separated for almost 4 years now. I have tried to get divorced in Slovakia (my home country,the country we also got married in) but after 18months the court decided not to divorce us just because we haven’t lived there for at least 6months before getting divorced. I’m in relationship with another man and expecting his child. My husband filled for a divorce here in the uk but still will be concidered as my childs father on the birth certificate. Is there anything I can do avoid this happening?

s - March 5, 2014 at 11:15am

hi wonder if you can give me some advice , i split from my hubby sep2012 after 36 years we are not yet divorced he moved the other woman in with him the day after we split ,i need to know what im entitled to , he had a good job though we didnt own our own house , i had a little part time job , he has since been made redundant and inherited money from his father , i know his father left a wil , i believe the will left everything tohis son and daughter in law , my hubby refuses to let anyone see the will , iv ben told that to divorce him on adulatry will cost over 800pounds am i entitled to anything from my husband , im now living with my daughter and have no income apart from a very small pension

Luke - March 5, 2014 at 3:42pm

“he has since been made redundant and inherited money from his father , i know his father left a wil , i believe the will left everything tohis son and daughter in law , my hubby refuses to let anyone see the will”
===========================

s, I do hope you are not entitled take money from the Will of your separated husband’s father – why do you think that morally you would be entitled to that ? Would you think it right if your separated husband went after any money that you inherited from your relatives ?

Why on earth would he let you see the Will ????

Anna Ratcliffe - March 5, 2014 at 4:19pm

Angela:

Marilyn has asked me to reply to your question. I am a solicitor at Stowe Family Law’s London office.

The first step in divorce proceedings is for a party to petition for divorce. There is only one basis upon which you can petition for divorce and that is that the marriage has irretrievable breakdown. You must then prove that it has irretrievable breakdown by establishing one of five grounds, Marilyn discusses these grounds in the following blog post: http://www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2013/08/01/grounds-for-divorce/.

Once the divorce petition is completed it should be lodged with the court; the petition will then be sent to your husband when it has been issued by the court and he will be asked to acknowledge receipt of it.

Assuming that your husband does not defend the divorce you can apply for decree nisi and six weeks after pronouncement of the decree nisi you may then apply for decree absolute which will dissolve the marriage.

Clearly there will also be a number of issues that will need to be resolved in relation to financial matters and there are various methods of addressing these. Matters tend to be resolved quicker if an agreement can be reached between you and your husband without the need for the court to make a decision.

I would strongly advise that your seek legal advice from a solicitor regarding both the divorce and achieving a financial settlement.

Anna

sue s - March 6, 2014 at 10:41am

BECAUSE AS FAR WE ARE AWARE FROM WHAT WE REMEMBER WHEN MY FATHER IN LAW WROTE HIS WILL WE ARE BOTH NAMED IN IT ,THE WILL STATED HE LEFT EVERYTHING TO HIS SON ANTHONY AND DAUGHTER INLAW SUSAN , I WAS WITH THIS MAN FROM BEING 18 TO BEING 58 I, FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER HE WITHDREW EMOTINALY AND PHISICALY FROM ME I STAYED BECAUSE I LOVED HIM , TO THEN FIND OUT THE DAY AFTER HE WAS TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME HE WAS SEEING A GIRL ID BEEN FRIENDS WITH FOR 20 YEARS , WHEN I KICKED HIM OUT HE LEFT ME WITH A HOUSE THAT WAS FULL TO THE BRIM WITH HIS RUBBISH HED COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS AND REFUSED TO MOVE I HAD TO PAY FOR 2 SKIPS TO REMOVE IT , HE LEFT ME WITH OUT A PENNY AND REFUSED TO GIVE ME ANYTHING HE WAS EARNING 2,000 A MONTH I HAD 722 A MONTH AND HAD TO PAY 530 RENT WATER RATES COUNCILL TAX MY ELECTRIC AND GAS WAS OVER 80 A MONTH WITH OUT PAYING ANYOTHER BILLS , HE HAS REFUSED TO GIVE ME ANYTHING EVER SINCE I COULDNT AFFORD TO STAY IN MY HOME AND NOW HAVING TO LIVE WITH MY DAUGHTER , THE FURNTURE WAS WORTHLESS , WE HAD 2 CARS WHICH HE TOOK AND IS NOW SELLING , SO NO IM NOT MONEY GRABBING , MY FATHER INLAW WAS LIKE A DAD TO ME FOR 40 YEARS I DID EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HIM HE TREATED ME AS HIS OWN DAUGHTER ALLWAYS , I SAW MORE OF HIM AND DID MORE FOR HIM THAN HIS OWN SON , THERES A LOT MORE TO THIS THAN WHAT IS WRIITEN HERE SO DONT YOU JUDGE TILL YOU HEAR THE WHOLE STORY

Phoebe Turner - March 6, 2014 at 11:00am

js:

Marilyn has asked me to reply to your question. I am a solicitor at Stowe Family Law’s London office.

In the eyes of the law, adultery is defined as sexual intercourse between a man and woman while the parties are still married. So, even though you and your husband are separated, your relationship with your boyfriend is likely to be considered adultery.

It is very difficult to advise you as to whether your husband should be paying you maintenance without knowing all the facts of your case. If the children you have with your husband are under the age of 18 it is likely that your husband should be paying you child maintenance for the benefit of the children if you have the care of them full time. It may be a good idea to contact the Child Support Service agency who could assist you in this respect.

In relation to whether your husband should be paying you maintenance for you (spousal maintenance), this will depend on your financial position and that of your husband. The fact that your husband is living with a girlfriend should not affect your entitlement to maintenance, however, it may affect the quantum of maintenance he should be paying to you. Both you and your husband will need to disclose all your assets and income and set out what your needs are. Only once all the information has been disclosed will it be possible to work out what an appropriate maintenance figure is, if any.

Please note that adultery in itself will not have an effect on the financial issues between you and your husband.

I would advise you to take individual legal advice from a lawyer who can take into account all the circumstances of your case and advise you accordingly.

With best wishes,

Phoebe

Luke - March 6, 2014 at 1:08pm

Sue, there is no need to shout (i.e. use capitals) :-)

If the case is as you describe you have a claim for assets in your divorce and possible improper execution of a Will.

Surely it is worth hiring a lawyer to proceed with that – I don’t understand what you are waiting for ?

sue s - March 7, 2014 at 7:46am

luke trying to find some money as iv been told i carnt get help with soliciters fees only court fees

Karl - March 7, 2014 at 8:17am

How can I get hold of the contents of my wifes text and facebook private messages but she has deleted these!!”

I found evidence of this before my wife left but I want to get copies of these for divorce proceedings?

Is it possible to retrieve them?

can my solicitor retrieve them through a judge?and what would the likely costs be to retrieve these

Phoebe Turner - March 7, 2014 at 9:58am

Dear S

Marilyn has asked me to reply to your question. I am a solicitor at Stowe Family Law’s London office.

It is extremely difficult to provide you with any meaningful advice without knowing all the facts of your case.

If you and your husband are to divorce and try to reach a settlement in relation to the financial issues between you, you will both need to disclose all your assets, incomes and set out your capital and income needs. Your husband will have to disclose his inheritance as part of this process.

The Court will take into account the “Section 25 Factors” [INSERT LINK TO S. 25 FACTORS] when deciding on the appropriate division of the finances. As part of the process of considering the Section 25 factors, the Court will take into account the length of your marriage (36 years will be considered a long marriage); the value of any pensions; and also your respective earning capacities. Your capital needs for housing and income needs shall be an important factor.

In relation to your query about a Divorce Petition based on the fact of adultery, I cannot advise you on what your costs might be although the Court Fees alone will be in the region of £500. If you base your Petition on the fact of your husband’s adultery, you can request that your husband pays the costs of the Divorce Suit. However, it is not set in stone that a Respondent to an adultery Petition will definitely have to pay the costs of the Divorce Suit. (Please note that the costs of dealing with the Divorce Suit are entirely separate to the costs of dealing with the appropriate division of the finances.)

This is only a very brief summary and I would advise you to seek independent legal advise so that you can get advice tailored to the facts of your specific case.

bluebelle - March 8, 2014 at 6:30pm

Hi, My husband is saying he is going to divorce me for adultery but I have not even looked at another man. I go to work and come home, that’s all my life is. So how can he say his solicitor can prove adultery when I have not done anything?

Sarah30 - March 11, 2014 at 3:00am

Hi.what i have to do,me and my husband has a lot of fight weeks before we go vacation.i have a 3 months back and port plane ticket,while he change his return ticket date only for two weeks vacation as what he say due to a office work,which i understand.sence he bring my ticket and say i have to contak him if i need my ticket back,because anytime he will send it to me via mail..and after that no txt from him.so first week of march i send him a txt again to send my ticket because i need it now.he said he canceled my ticket,and i ask him why?he said he dont know..so i open his email addrs and then i was schock and totally deep down hurt what ive seen..changing mail from a woman and a plane ticket together this comeng april.they go vacation together.so my question is is there a chance that i can give him a big problem beacause of what he did to me.is there a chance that he will support my life there when i get back when we dont have a legal separation?cuz i like to go back work and not stay with him and planing to looking for a place to stay..he have a good income..and i have nothing.please i need advice..the country is switzerland and i have a pertmit C.

Hayley Edwards - March 13, 2014 at 7:29pm

Dear Karl
Marilyn has asked me to reply to your question. I am a solicitor at Stowe Family Law’s Wetherby office.
As these text and face book messages are private you are not entitled to obtain copies of them but if you do then you can be committing a criminal offence. You do not say what this information is about but if it is financial your wife is under a duty to provide a full and frank disclosure of her financial circumstances as part of the Divorce procedure and copy documentation should come your way by this process.
Kind regards
Hayley Edwards

Hayley Edwards - March 13, 2014 at 7:34pm

Dear Bluebelle
Marilyn has asked me to reply to your question. I am a solicitor at Stowe Family Law’s Wetherby office.
Your husband can only proceed with a Petition for Divorce when you provide an admission of adultery or he has clear evidence that adultery has taken place. Without either of these then he will not be able to proceed. I suspect that if he intends to go ahead with Divorce you will instead receive a Petition citing unreasonable behaviour.
Kind regards
Hayley Edwards

Niccie - March 14, 2014 at 11:52pm

Hi
I need some advise, my husband left me in December last year and now wants me to file for a divorce on grounds of adultery that he has committed. i was not aware he had other than a drunken night fumble he had with my friend at the time i found out and forgave him for it he then later moved out. He has now since moved in with another woman (not my friend) and wants me to divorce him on grounds of adultery, i was not aware he had started anything with this girl at the time we separated. Also as he left our rented home i had to give the house up and stay with family were i still currently am due to health issues i am currently off work sick whilst i recover from an operation and am finding it hard to manage on sick pay can you give me advise on should i sign the paperwork to agree and divorce him for adultery even though i was not aware of it till he asked for the divorce and is there any help i can get from him towards living expenses etc we don’t have children together.

stewart - March 15, 2014 at 9:29am

hi i got divorced in oct 12 i knew she was seeing someone else but i could.nt prove .in may last year we got back together she was in a lot off debt i did,nt find out until a few months later when she was straight again i.ve found out that all that time she was still seeing someone else we have 2 children there is a court order for me to see them .can i get the divorce changed to adultery even thou we are already if not what can i do

Andrew - March 15, 2014 at 5:17pm

Once you are divorced you are divorced. So it’s No . But it does not affect the finances .

Steve - March 17, 2014 at 7:14pm

Hi. I have been living apart from my wife for over 10 years and have at last got around to agreeing a divorce settlement. In order not to cause any more bad feeling I have said she can file for divorce and so she has filled in the forms and sent them to me to agree. She says we separated in April 2006 (which was in fact 2002 but I can let that go) and she has ticked the box for 5 years separation so no problem there! However, she has put my partner in as a co- respondent who I met after that date. Am I right that she should not put in a co- respondent for 5 years separation and that she cannot file for divorce on the grounds of adultery as more than 6 months have elapsed since she found out about my partner which was nearly 7 years ago

bluebelle - March 18, 2014 at 6:13pm

Thankyou Hayley :-)

Stuart - March 19, 2014 at 7:07am

Hi Marilyn,
Am in need of some advice. My wife and I are seperating after 4 years of marriage due to her adultery on several occasions with a view to getting a divorce. My query is, what is the legal standpoint if she moves her new partner in to the home before the divorce is absolute?
Thanks

leanne - March 30, 2014 at 3:00pm

Hi my husband left me in January sayin our marriage wasn’t working and I’ve just found out this month he is seeing a the same woman he left me for before 6 years ago can I get him done for adultery.

Stitchedup - March 31, 2014 at 3:14pm

“can I get him done for adultery” – I’m not a lawyer but the last time I looked adultery wasn’t a crime so I wouldn’t have thought you could “get him done for adultery”. However, you might be able to “get him done” for domestic violence if you argue his adultery was a form of emotional/psychological abuse, e.g. he has been liying and/or is in denial.

Extract from Women’s Aid website;

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272

What are the signs of domestic violence?

•Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn’t happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

Stitchedup - March 31, 2014 at 3:26pm

By the way, if like me, yor ex happens to be deaf or hard of hearing you could “get him done” for “not listening or responding when you talk”:

Extract from Women’s Aid web site

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.

The CPS have been working very closely with Women’s Aid to crack down on this sort of thing; It really is a hideous crime to appear to not listen or respond when a woman is talking… off to the gallows with him.

Mary - March 30, 2014 at 4:33pm

Hi Marilyn,
I wonder if you can give me some advice? I have been living with my partner for 7 years, at this point he had been separated from his wife for 6 months. She has refused to divorce him so he waited the five years to apply on the grounds of 5 yrs separation. After numerous attempts to serve the papers the courts declared them as served. She is now defending the divorce on the grounds of adultery and has named me. There are no children or assets involved. Will this defence stop the divorce going through and will I be named in the official documents? Do I need a solicitor? Thank you for your time.

Ginny - March 31, 2014 at 2:08pm

My husband and I were married in Scotland. He is English and has moved back to England and wants to divorce me. Will he need to engage a Scottish or English lawyer/solicitor? The laws are different, how will it affect me, living in Scotland? Thank youfor your ttime taken to reply.

Martha - March 31, 2014 at 8:01pm

I separated from my husband one year seven months ago, then i filed i filed for divorce now in March. I am pregnant to a guy i have been dating for a short time.Will my pregnant to another men affect my entitlement to things like houses and money?? we have a house together and he has another house in his name. we have been married for 7 years and have 3 kids. I have started working 7 months ago and i earn same salary as him. he does not maintain the kids. Also should I let my solicitor know that I am pregnant. My husband does not know i am pregnant yet but what if he finds out, will he say i committed adultery and will this affect how we are going to share the money and houses. i live with all the kids

Andrew - April 1, 2014 at 10:51am

You must indeed tell your solicitor; and your solicitor must tell your ex or his solicitors if he has solicitors; and your ex will probably say you have committed adultery, and of course he will be right, won’t he?

Whether it will affect the financial outcome I don’t know, but if it does, it does.

Don’t even think of concealing the pregnancy. If you ever have to meet your solicitors they might just notice, and if your ex ever sees his children they might mention that they have a little brother/sister, kids can be very indiscreet, you know! Tell your solicitor NOW.

Trevor Harris - April 3, 2014 at 1:06pm

Your “and finally”- you have only six months to apply for divorce on the grounds of adultery- but what happens where the adultery has taken place within three months of the marriage. You cannot apply for a divorce until you have been married for one year- so you will fail the time limit by three months?

Andrew - April 3, 2014 at 5:04pm

Trevor: you can apply for a judicial separation now and then after you have been married for a year rely on the same facts to support a divorce petition.

steve - April 4, 2014 at 9:53pm

Hi .
My wife has turned lesbian after 9 years of marriage so we decided to separate . We both signed a separation agreement back in february 2013 . She is now threating to take me to court due to me meeting a woman in april although I no for a fact she started have a relationship in march last year after she posted it on facebook which I took screen shots of just incase. Will I be liable for costs in court and will this affect the separation agreement that we lodged with the scottish courts ?

Andrew - April 6, 2014 at 2:26pm

Steve

Ask a Scots lawyer.

James - April 17, 2014 at 4:17pm

I have separated from my wife a short while ago and she has now applied for a judicial separation, but I have now found out that she is seeing someone else.When she applied for a judicial separation she put ‘evidence’ that I totally dispute. I didnt want to leave because I still loved her desperately but she has made up stuff so that it made it look as though I was the baddie. It became clear why she wanted me to move out when I was told that a male “friend” of hers car has been outside our house overnight. I suspected something was going on previously but she always denied it. Although I now know she is sleeping with him, how on earth can I prove it and use it in divorce proceedings.

It says you only have 6 months to apply for a divorce on the grounds of adultary. I that 6 months from the date of the adulterous act, or 6 months from the time you find out

Any help/advice appreciated

Marilyn Stowe - April 18, 2014 at 9:51am

Dear James
Stop worrying. You have six months from finding out about the adultery before an argument arises as to whether or not you have condoned it. Proceeding on unreasonable behaviour is more sensible if your wife won’t admit adultery.
I must admit I’m surprised your wife is seeking only judicial separation if this marriage has irretrievably broken down. If the marriage has ended, take steps to deal with it legally and get some advice from a lawyer. In the meantime you may find my book which you can download from the side bar is of use to you.
Regards
Marilyn

Stitchedup - April 18, 2014 at 10:42am

“When she applied for a judicial separation she put ‘evidence’ that I totally dispute. I didnt want to leave because I still loved her desperately but she has made up stuff so that it made it look as though I was the baddie”

Par for the course it appears James, don’t be surprised if a few DV allegations suddenly come out of the woodwork.

Lianne - April 19, 2014 at 7:15am

Hi there
I was married for three months before I realised I had made a huge mistake in marrying my OH and asked him to leave. That was in Dec 2012. I’ve subsequently been in my new relationship for over 12 months now and my marriage is like a dark cloud hanging over us. I didn’t commit adultery so can’t use that as grounds but I was wondering if you could advise me the best course of action so I can get this cleared up as soon as possible.
Thank you.

Marilyn Stowe - April 19, 2014 at 2:54pm

Dear Lianne
You aren’t alone, many people get married and then realise they’ve made a big mistake. You can’t divorce until you’ve been married for a year. You now have and can issue proceedings based upon his unreasonable behaviour or perhaps his adultery if he admits it or he can divorce you for the same reasons, because you are both still married to each other so a sexual relationship with another person is adultery. The important thing however is not to get too bogged down in recrimination and to try and agree an amicable process without too much cost. You could agree to wait until December 2014 and then divorce consensually on the basis of two years separation. You need to agree who will pay the court costs. Perhaps you can split them.
Make sure you sort out the finances also by closing off your respective claims, and make a will.
You can download my book from the sidebar for 99p, all the proceeds from my book go the Children’s Society and there is much more detail in it. 276 pages in fact!
Regards
Marilyn

Luke - April 19, 2014 at 4:41pm

Lianne, Marilyn is right, lots of people are in your position, you are not alone. I think this shows that marriage has a massive problem because so many people stand up and say their vows without any thought for what they are actually saying and as a result are quite prepared to break them as when they feel like it – the marriage vows have become a joke.

People need counselling BEFORE they get married so that they realise the full implications of what they are letting themselves in for. We will then have a lot less marriages and even less divorces.

You knew within 100 days – I think lots do but just stumble on and make it harder and harder to disentangle themselves because it becomes a legal nightmare.

Of course I think getting married is a really bad idea anyway but this is a clear example that many people who believe in it don’t really have a clue what they are letting themselves in for.

Marilyn Stowe - April 19, 2014 at 5:21pm

Dear Luke
In my first book written in 1992 I said there should be more guidance for couples pre marriage. And that was in the days when cohabitation was nowhere near as prevalent as it is now.
Nothing’s changed! And were throwing a lot more money at mediation at a time when couples are at their absolute worst and so far less likely to resolve their disputes.
Regards
Marilyn

Luke - April 19, 2014 at 8:16pm

If you said that in your book in 1992 then It is a shame you were not as publicly well known as you are now – perhaps you could have raised it to the right politician and saved decades of grief !

Pre-marriage guidance for those people who still want to enter the institution is more important than anything else in my opinion – it should be compulsory – the wedding day itself is all many people seem to think about.

Andrew - April 19, 2014 at 5:03pm

Agree entirely, Marilyn, but it should be pointed out that a party can never rely on his or her own adultery so that “I didn’t commit adultery so can’t use that as grounds” is based on a misunderstanding.

Lianne - April 21, 2014 at 7:07am

Luke, we did undergo counselling before we got married and before we decided to split – it just wasn’t right for me regrettably.
On another note… Can someone answer me whether as the respondent I would be able to pay the court fees up front or does the petitioner have to pay up front and claim in back?
Thanks.

Luke - April 22, 2014 at 2:19pm

“Luke, we did undergo counselling before we got married and before we decided to split – it just wasn’t right for me regrettably.”
============================================

Well if that is the case and then you stood up and said all those vows – which you couldn’t make last 100 days – then I would suggest that perhaps marriage isn’t for you…

leanne - May 15, 2014 at 8:24pm

Hi
i filed a petition for divorce on the fact of adultery, my husband moved out of the family home 6 months ago and is still in a relationship with the woman he left me for. This woman has a small child who my husband helps to raise financially. He has since been offered a job which he will be earning a considerable amount more than he was during our 17yrs together, he has been offered this job since he moved out. My question is ‘ if i withdraw my petition to divorce then how long would it be before he can try to divorce me (as he wants to start a new family with this woman and wishes to marry her) and would i be entitled to more money in the future due to his new earnings or would that not be taken into account as he is due to start his new job in a few months time which will be roughly 1year after he left the marital home? i guess i am bitter and don’t want this woman getting everything she wants and for him to support her and her child but can i delay the process of divorce or will it be detrimental to me in the future?

Andrew - May 16, 2014 at 4:14am

Leanne: If he can cobble together some allegations of “unreasonable behaviour” – and the bar is low – he can divorce you at once. If not he will have to wait for five years from when he left.

You could withdraw your petition and instead apply for judicial separation which would not allow him to marry again, until the five years up and he could divorce you.

But artificially keeping the marriage alive cannot help you on the financial side and could harm you. Don’t do it. Let the divorce go on.

karen - May 23, 2014 at 6:02pm

I left my partner a few months ago due to the fact he had accumulated debts I wasn’t aware off I had previously paid his debts off’ the marriage had broken down , I have met somebody else and he now has petitioned me on the grounds of adultery, which I guess is technically correct, he has said he wants a divorce so he can get half of everything I own, he didn’t save during the marriage, I unfortunately did, do I have to get divorced ? Can I male him wait for a couple of years then divorce him for separation? If I don’t agree or sign anything can he have a divorce?

Andrew - May 24, 2014 at 6:49am

If you have had intercourse with somebody else while married to him that is adultery and there is nothing technical about it, so no, you can’t make him wait.

The good news for you is that in deciding who gets what the courts take very little account of who issued the petition and why.

Rachael - June 9, 2014 at 4:47pm

Hi Marilyn

Sorry to add to an already long thread – you’ve obviously hit the nail on the head and lots of people want your advice!

Myth 2 above says :That it isn’t adultery if you have already separated from your spouse. If your spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married to you, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not.

My husband and I stopped living together in October 2013. I started seeing someone else after this – so can we divorce on grounds of adultery? It seems not, because we already weren’t living together? (ie had already found it intolerable)

But then, if I HAD committed adultery before we stopped living together, is it now too late to file for divorce on these grounds because it happened more than 6 months ago? Or does the 6 months only count from when they found about it?

I’m confused….

(and yes – I’m going to take legal advice but would appreciate a small steer first..!)

Andrew - June 9, 2014 at 6:44pm

If it was your adultery you can’t “file” as they say in America or issue a petition as we say here on the grounds of that adultery.

Rachael - June 9, 2014 at 10:33pm

Thanks Andrew – and I understand. I was wondering about his right to petition. (We’re on pretty good terms and are talking to each other about the least bad way of going about things. We have 2 kids but l the Childcare & financials are sorted)

Luke - June 10, 2014 at 3:30pm

Rachael, it is good that you and your soon to be ex-husband are on such good terms, I think that is pretty unusual.

With regard to divorce, why don’t you go for good ole’ Unreasonable Behaviour, it’s really easy, on the advice of your lawyer you can make up virtually any old guff and the Court will swallow it because privately they know the whole blame-game is silly – just make sure you run it by him as well – you don’t want to say anything that really annoys him and sours the relationship :-)

Dana - June 28, 2014 at 2:25pm

My husband started an affair in October 2013, its been 9 months now, I didn’t file for divorce earlier because i was hoping that things will be fixed and that he will realize what he is doing is wrong.
He is still continuing with his affair.
He left to europe and I live in the middle east
This month he asked me for separation agreement, I asked to be on adultery ground.
He agreed to consent adultery, is the court accept or judge on the basis of that agreement?
I decided to file for divorce, is it possible to do it after 9 months of finding out about the adultery?
If i have new evidence is it possible?
Should I sign the agreement or go for divorce?

toni - June 30, 2014 at 10:16am

Lots of good advice again, I hate to bother you all but I need some advice as well. My husband left on the 21may which was supposed to be for a few days to give us a bit of break (he does not work and don’t like to get onto of each other so a couple of days away does the trick) on the 27th he said he wasn’t coming back that he needed to sort his head out and see what happens with us in the future etc I found out the following week that he actually went and met up with a woman off of the internet and moved in with her on the same day (the day he said he was going for a few days) they are also trying for a baby does this class as adultery?

VK - July 2, 2014 at 11:50pm

Please can you advise, my partner was divorced last April, he was the petitioner, she the respondent. However, I did not find out until recently that his ex wife had written a letter to be included with her petition response that named me as being the reason for the breakdown of the marriage which is simply not true. He and I had been friends for over 10 years and we did not get together until many months after he had left her and commenced divorce proceedings. I feel agrieved by the fact that she chose to include my name in her response and it has caused me a great deal of upset since I found out. Is there anything I can do now they are divorced as I still get upset about the fact that various solicitors and the court have seen her letter of accusation which includes my name? I would at least like to get some kind of apology for the false accusation whete do I stand?

Andrew - July 3, 2014 at 12:00pm

VK: You have no remedy. I am sorry, but that is how it is. The solicitors are professionally secretive and so are the court staff and the judiciary. This will not become public unless you make it so.

shei - July 6, 2014 at 5:29am

Hi Ms. Marilyn,

I need some advice. I had this affair 2 yrs ago with a married man, he told me that time that his wife is having other guy and that they have decided to separate ( but not yet legally) I left him because I cant take anymore his attitude and I decided to change my wrk place, I change my accommodation coz after we broke up he keep on calling me, asking me to see him again. but I ignore everything I haven’t see him for 2 yrs now already. last month I found out that his wife is already here in the country (uae) and find out also that she made an account on fb, using my name, posting my pictures and pretending to be me and she keep sending me msgs in fb also, and by surprise she visit me in my new work place and made a scene. after that incident I receive too many miscalls and calls in my mobile. she is threatening me that shes going to sue me and file a case against me which is adultery…an affair was happen 2 yrs ago and never been seeing her husband.. I just want to ask if shes going to file the case is it still valid? or can I file a case against her also for what she is doing right now? I need badly ur help and advice.

Marilyn Stowe - January 3, 2014 at 8:06am

Dear Indespair
Read the post. Read the case where it’s all set out. In general there is no link. If you are going to lose a financial benefit that can’t be replaced in the meantime by getting DA prior to a financial settlement then don’t do it. Only you know your position, I don’t so take your own personal legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn

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