Adultery and Divorce: The Top Ten Myths
In England and Wales, a divorce can only be obtained when a marriage has irretrievably broken down and it can be proved by at least one of five specific facts, set out in the divorce petition.
Adultery is one of the five facts that can be used to prove a marriage has broken down irretrievably, and it seems to be pretty common. According to one study, more than 50 per cent of married men and 26 per cent of married women are likely to stray at least once during their marriage.
Today, by coincidence, I saw a new client whose wife had been advertising for a quick fling on a website catering for illicit affairs between married people. A quick look at the website in question was eye-opening! There are hundreds of married people, of both sexes, advertising for casual sex with strangers. The potential for divorce when an unsuspecting spouse turns on the family computer and finds the incriminating evidence, as in my client’s case, is pretty substantial. But is it sufficient to found a petition based upon adultery?
This is a relatively straightforward area of family law. However it causes confusion because people think the term is wider than it is, when in fact it is precisely stated in law. In order to obtain a divorce on the basis of adultery, an adulterous act must have taken place and the Petitioner must state that he or she finds it intolerable to continue to live with the Respondent.
There are many common misconceptions about adultery and divorce. Yesterday I appeared in my Legal Clinic on ITV This Morning, discussing the subject. There were plenty of questions from viewers, and you can watch the clip here.
Here, then, are my ten top adultery myths:
1. That adultery covers any sexual activity. It does not. It refers only to sexual intercourse between a consenting man and woman, one or both of whom are already married to other people. Lesser forms of “sexual gratification”, as one court put it, are not sufficient to prove adultery.
Had Bill Clinton said, “I did not commit adultery with that woman” of Monica Lewinsky, rather than “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, he would have been correct.
2. That it isn’t adultery if you have already separated from your spouse. If your spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married to you, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not. [UPDATE: Please also see the comment from John Bolch of Family Lore, at the bottom of this post.]
3. That it isn’t adultery if you are already divorced. It is still adultery, if the other party is still married to somebody else at the time. And if one party has been raped, is under 16 or if consent has been obtained by fraud, sexual intercourse in any of those circumstances is not adultery. Also according to the law, sexual intercourse with one wife in a polygamous marriage is not adultery, as far as another wife in the same marriage is concerned!
4. That it is adultery if it is an extra-marital relationship with a person of the same sex. In law, adultery only applies where there has been sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. An extra-marital relationship between two people of the same sex is considered an improper association. A petition for dissolution of a civil partnership can be filed on the basis of unreasonable behaviour instead.
5. That adultery before marriage will still count if you learn about it after the marriage. A partner who has been unfaithful before the marriage has not committed adultery. It is only considered to be adultery if it continues after the marriage has taken place.
6. That if you find it “intolerable” to continue to live with your spouse, it has to be linked to the adultery cited. This is not necessarily the case. For example, adultery may have been the final straw or chapter in a history of unpleasant behaviour.
7. That it is a good idea to name the Other Woman or Other Man on the divorce petition. You may desperately wish to do this and publicly name and shame the other person. It is not, however, a legal requirement. If your spouse has admitted to adultery, there is no need to name the third party. Yes, doing so may make you feel better – but it will complicate matters, increase costs all round and risk incurring the judge’s disapproval.
My advice is always to act with dignity and concentrate on other issues in the divorce such as the children and finance. You can still seek the costs of the divorce suit (although not finances and children matters, which are separate) from your spouse. There will be the petition fee (£340), the decree absolute fee (£45) and your lawyer’s fees, if you instruct one.
8. That the third party’s finances will be used to “pay off” the other spouse. This won’t happen. That said, it is worth noting that a new partner’s financial means might be indirectly relevant in relation to a spouse’s finances post-divorce, and his or her ability to meet the former spouse’s needs.
9. That if you have committed adultery, the court will be biased against you when dealing with the finances and the children. This is not the case. Most marriages break down because of fault on both sides. Adultery can be a symptom of a failing marriage, rather than its cause.
One way of counterbalancing the petition is not to defend it, but to file a statement explaining why you believe the marriage broke down before the adultery occurred. Prince Charles took this course of action, very publicly, during his divorce from Princess Diana.
10. That if you petition for divorce on the basis of adultery, you are entitled to a larger settlement. You aren’t. Adultery alone is not regarded by the court as conduct which would be inequitable to disregard. Conduct that is “gross and obvious” would affect a divorce settlement. For example, I once had a case where the wife repeatedly stabbed the husband and left him with serious incapacity for life. That fell into the gross and obvious category, and her settlement was reduced.
As I pointed out on ITV This Morning, divorce isn’t about subjecting individuals to “trials”. Instead, it’s about drawing a line and enabling both of you to move on into the future.
And finally: bear in mind that after learning of adultery, you have only six months to issue a divorce petition. Once that time is up, you cannot use the adultery to divorce your spouse and you will be regarded as having “condoned” it.
Please do remember this, because my experiences with clients who come to me years later, because they have never been able to truly forgive, bear out the old joke. A wife may agree to forgive and forget, but she will never forget what she forgave…
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119 Comments
John Bolch on August 22, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Hi Marilyn,
With regard to myth 2, the silly thing is that the Court of Appeal long ago held that the petitioner does not need to allege that they find it intolerable to live with the respondent as a result of the adultery! Accordingly, the ‘intolerable’ requirement becomes a bit academic, usually having already been satisfied by events leading up to the separation. Even if this were not the case, my view is that the petitioner could say that because of the adultery they now find it intolerable to return to live with the respondent.
DT on August 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm
I like number one!
DT
Beth on August 28, 2012 at 6:34 am
Divorce and adultery is a messy situation and the law is not at all straight forward. I have never experienced it myself, but I watched a friend go through it and she could have really benefited from reading this post. Good legal representation is a must.
Ana on December 30, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Divorce is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. After my husband committed adultery. Although we both agreed we still love each but just no can live together. I the feelings emotions anger tears etc are unbelievable I certainly wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy.
Marilyn Stowe on January 6, 2013 at 7:52 pm
Hi Ana
Thanks for your comment. Divorce is a last resort and is never as easy as some media commentators suggest.
Regards
Marilyn
Alana on January 27, 2013 at 12:57 pm
Thanks for this detailed post. I need to ask a silly question ; I hope it’ll elicit an intelligent answer from you ; if you used a PI to collect evidence of adultery, would this evidence be admissible in court, or would it hurt your chances at getting a good resolution to the case? Much appreciated.
Alana
Marilyn Stowe on January 28, 2013 at 11:00 am
Hi Alana
Usually it isn’t necessary, because unreasonable behaviour is an alternative if adultery isn’t admitted. The evidence of a professional PI, who if fully aware of what is admissible in court and therefore knows what a court will expect should be ok.
Regards
Marilyn
Colleen on January 30, 2013 at 12:46 am
Hi
i am currently getting divorced due to my husbands adultery and unreasonable behaviour. He gave me £5000 when he left last October and is refusing to give me any more money. There are no children involved and he has lived with the other woman since the end of November last year. He works, but I dont and am desperately looking for a job without success. we were married fro 23 years. We have similar saving in our own name. Does he still have to pay me any maintenance. he said to our adult son that he doesnt have to as i have savings. He has been served with papers for the divorce and I am waiting to hear a response from him. In your professional opinion should he still have to give me some money to live on? I am living off my savings at the moment.
sue on February 11, 2013 at 10:07 am
hi i was wondering how i can go about naming the other woman in divorce if i only have her first name and where she works?
my husband has been having an affair with another woman for 5 months, i only found out on our anniversary less than a week ago.
Marilyn Stowe on February 15, 2013 at 11:49 am
Dear Sue
Dont name her. The courts dont like it and dont encourage it, and its not necessary in law. Im sure you are in pain and hurting but you have to go through the divorce process with dignity.
Regards
Marilyn
Jo on February 17, 2013 at 8:20 pm
Hi my husband left me and moved in with another woman on the same day. Can I use adultery as grounds for divorce or would it be unreasonable behaviour? Thanks
Marilyn Stowe on February 18, 2013 at 3:02 pm
Hi Jo
You can certainly use adultery but make sure it isn’t denied or you can prove it.
Regards
Marilyn
Barbara on February 27, 2013 at 1:01 pm
My husband is issuing DP against me on grounds of my adultery – I don’t dispute but his solicitor has advised if he names the other party (which he can easily do) then he can apply for costs against him. Is that right?
Marilyn Stowe on March 1, 2013 at 1:02 pm
Dear Barbara
A few thoughts. My advice to clients on the receiving end is usually that they should negotiate the costs of a divorce. Most couples could divorce the other on the basis of their unreasonable behaviour so asolicitor could argue that there should be no order for costs or a split of costs if the divorce proceeds undefended.
The courts do not welcome a third party being cited in a divorce. There is no need because if you dont negotiate,or object and file a statement explaining why a costs order shouldnt be made (perhaps stating that you have not cross petitioned with a view to saving costs,) a costs order could be made against you. You need to talk this through in your own case with your own solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn
Sue Snowden on February 27, 2013 at 3:27 pm
My husband received a text whilst on holiday last year, on 08.04.12 from a woman in South Africa whom I was told worked for a client and not somebody he’d ever mentioned. He deleted it but I text back and asked her to resend. It arrived saying xxxxxxxxxxxxxx I can’t stop thinking about you. Both denied it was for him and when we go home we tried again. In September I heard a voicemail on his mobile from a South African woman almost in tears advising that she couldn’t meet him that night as her car had broken down. Once again they both denied it was for him. We separated for a while and decided to try again just before Christmas. A couple of weeks ago he left his laptop open and fell asleep. I decided to to some digging and found the evidence of their affair. He continued to deny it until I emailed him copies of what I’d seen. They both admitted it since although both say it’s over and there has been no contact since September. I know that’s a lie too because the emails went up to November but the programme crashed before I got that far so didn’t see them. Even though I only recently have proof of their affair, am I too late to divorce him on the grounds of Adultery. They both say they didn’t see each other that night in September and he’s only been back once since, to another part of SA and was accompanied by another colleague.
Marilyn Stowe on March 1, 2013 at 12:55 pm
Dear Sue
If adultery has occurred at any time during the marriage then it can be the basis for a divorce. It doesnt have to be repeated. You have to cite the incident and state you find it intolerable to continue to live with your husband, and thus the marriage has irretrievably broken down.
The alternative option to prove a marriage has irretrievably broken down is to cite his unreasonable behaviour of which there are instances in your enquiry.
A word of warning. Do not access emails or text messages of another person because to do so could be a criminal offence.
You can download my book for 99p to read all about how to get divorced. All the proceeds are going to charity.
Regards
Marilyn
lorraine on March 2, 2013 at 6:16 pm
i have been seeing a man since January, who has been separated from his wife since September last year, can she now claim adultery? he has already filed for a divorce at the end of January on the grounds of irretrievable break down of marriage.
Regards Lorraine
rosita johnson on March 4, 2013 at 5:11 pm
i found a website that my husband has been using to meet woman, i know he has been cheating, but i have not prove. just his behavior, he does sleep with me or want to have sex with me. i want divorce, but want to make sure if i am entitled to alimony support and if i can keep my home. I do not want to continue to live with him anymore. Please adivse.
Thanks
Marilyn Stowe on March 12, 2013 at 5:51 pm
Dear Rosita
Divorce and finances are separate. You can divorce on his unreasonable behaviour and you can apply for a financial settlement.
Regards
Marilyn
Sara on March 6, 2013 at 11:03 pm
Im going through a divorce who committed adultery not proud what i did but marriage was long gone he has always disrespected me from day one plus controlling that I didnt have friends or couldn’t get a job do to taking care of kids n making it easy for him to just get up n go we have 3children together been living together for ten years but legally married 2im years his name is in our house Ive been a stay home mom now my question is that he dont want to give me anything just child support he has two houses the one we live on and that his renting he wants to live me with nothing because of what I did can this happen
Marilyn Stowe on March 13, 2013 at 12:15 pm
Dear Sara
You can claim spousal maintenance, child support, a lump sum, transfer of property order and a pension share. In short the court will consider all the income and capital you both have and share it so that both your reasonable needs are met. The court does not take adultery into account.
See a solicitor and get started!
Regards
Marilyn
rebecca on March 10, 2013 at 1:41 pm
Hi,
My husband and I are 19 months seperated. He left following an affair which he would not admit to, then subsquently had a relationship with this women. I don’t know if they are still together. I attempted to divorce him on his adultery but he would not respond to my letters. Then I had a sudden bereavement and things were on the back boiler. Next I receive a divorce petition from him for my aldultery – I had a short term relationship about 1 year after we seperated lasting approx 3 months. I want to get divorced as quickley and painessly as possible especially as he has physically assualted me when he found out a was seeing someone. Would it be advisable to just sign this divorce petition? Will it effect my settlement if I admit to adultery, we have a 4 year old son together. Can I submit a letter to the court supporting my version of events as to why the marriage broke down? Is it worth it?
Many thanks, Rebecca
Marilyn Stowe on March 12, 2013 at 5:35 pm
Dear Rebecca
I dont think it usually matters who divorces who as long as the costs of the divorce are sorted out. So you could agree that providing he wont claim any divorce costs against you and agrees not to use the adultery against you in the financial settlement or in relation to the child that you will admit the adultery and return the Acknowledgement of Service completed accordingly.
But if he wont agree then you can cross petition on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour or you could admit the adultery and write to the court explaining the circumstances when you return the Acknowledgement of Service and asking the court not to make an order for costs against you.
If he doesnt have a solicitor its unlikely he has any costs except the court fees which he can pay or you can agree to contribute towards.
If I were you Id take legal advice from a solicitor near you about your options.
Regards
Marilyn
louise on March 13, 2013 at 6:54 am
Hi can u please help its my new partner hehas been split from his wife for five years we got together after 3yrs we now have cjildren together shes filed for divorce but why would she need our kids names on the paper work.
Marilyn Stowe on March 13, 2013 at 11:54 am
Dear Louise
All the parties income and capital is available to be shared primarily to meet the parties reasonable needs. The court will take into account however all the circumstances of the case including the lengthy period since separation and his new circumstances.
Best wishes
Marilyn
louise on March 13, 2013 at 7:00 am
And what sort of settlement would she get they have children but he has no pentions ect so what could she go for
jen on March 13, 2013 at 11:25 pm
My partner’s ex has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultry. They have 2 children. My partner refuses to sign for adultry and has told his ex on the 1st attempt of divorce papers he will not sign for adultry and hold and behold a second lot of divorce papers came through months later stating yet again grounds of adultry, this time holding my partner account for a list of costs in tow. My partner married his ex July 2010, 4 weeks after he found out that she had an affair before they were married. He left as he found that he could not trust her and after them being together 10 yrs and having 2 kids who could not stand the betrayal. His ex had an affair with one of her work colleagues while my partner worked full time to support his family, so obviously for sometime before my partners ex had an affair based upon a growing relationship for sometime behind closed doors. Whilst apart my partner found comfort in a old school friend and he was with her for 8 weeks before my partners ex wanted reconcile as she could not see my partner with someone else. They briefly stayed together for a further few months but due to the lack of trust my partner could not trust her and they were arguing more which was not fair on their children. I met my parther 4 months after he officially left his ex (Aug 2011). My partners ex is still seeing the person she had an affair with, and blames her affair on the fact that my partner did not give her attention. Both myself and my partner are very faithful people and with whats happend with our pasts with having been hurt on occassions , we cannot comprehend how someone can cheat, if your not happy in a relationship, you leave , you don’t just marry someone out of security. Now my partner feels trapped as he never commited adultry to his ex before they had seperated. The reason the marriage had broke down was the fact my partners ex had an affair a few weeks before their marriage in a hotel. My partner could not action this information until this information was known to him, which unfortunately was after their marriage. My partner use to pay his ex £500 a month for his 2 children on a £1,200 monthly wage ( 1st time they seperated). When my partner returned to his ex, she was still claiming for single parents. CSA informed my partner he should be paying £250 a month , so he was initially paying his ex double for child maintenance. My partner thinks his ex a money grabber as there is no call for his ex to have adivorce on the grounds of adultry when it was my partners ex who commited adultry within their relationship which prompted my partner to find it unbearable to cope with the information and to not trust his so called wife. He felt like he was trapped into marriage as my partner feels like he was never given the choice once given this infomration about his ex’s affair. Can the court still go ahead with the divorce without my partners consent of adultry?
Marilyn Stowe on March 14, 2013 at 7:48 am
Dear Jen
I dont have all the facts but the position in law is that having a sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex while one or both of them are married to others is adultery whether they are separated or not unless there is a written separation agreement to state that subsequent relationships post separation will not be treated as adulterous. So in law his relationship with you if sexual seems to be adultery and so is hers with another person. Separation doesn’t matter.
I don’t think in the circumstances you outline your partner or you should get too upset about why the divorce is proceeding, instead I advise my clients to concentrate on keeping the costs of the divorce sensible. So if one party agrees to admit the adultery for example, perhaps his wife will agree that there will be no costs against him.
If she wont, then he has every right to cross petition based upon his wife’s unreasonable behaviour and or adultery and suggest that there should be cross decrees with no order for costs. Thus he will divorce her and she him.
There is no requirement to name a third party.
There are time limits however and if your partner has been personally served with a petition he must act very quickly. I suggest he takes legal advice to decide the best way forward for him.
Regards
Marilyn
lorraine on March 14, 2013 at 7:01 pm
hi my mums going through a tricky divorce, her and her husband had been married 7yrs, the marriage has been rocky for a few years with his mood swings, ignores my brother and family and is horrid to my mum and recently my mum ended it, shes met another guy and although her and my step dad are seperated he still lives in the family home and refuses to move, she had bought the house before they where together and its just her name on the deeds shes lived there for 25years me and my brother were both brought up there and my 21 year old brother still lives there, so far he wants half of what the house is worth and all the furniture before he will leave? is this adultery as they were separated? and can he legally have half the houses value if its not his house to begin with? help
Marilyn Stowe on March 15, 2013 at 7:26 am
Dear Lorraine
Stop worrying. Your mum could divorce on the basis of his u reasonable behaviour and has strong arguments not to pay him in relation to the house for all the reasons you point out. I suggest she does take legal advice and gets it sorted out now. If she needs legal aid she must make her application this month. You can also download my book click the link on the sidebar. It costs 99p and gives more information on divorce and financial settlements. All proceeds to charity.
Best wishes
Marilyn
Bev on March 14, 2013 at 10:28 pm
Hi Marilyn,
I was married in August 2012. I have recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me since November 2011 although I have no definitive proof. I bought the house we live in before we were married, it is only in my name and I pay for all of the bills, always have. I understand that I can’t file for divorce until I have been married a year, I cannot reconcile with my husband. When we do divorce is he entitled to a share of the house? We do not have any children together thankfully, I’m just worried that I will have to sell to give him something when we divorce although he has never contributed anything.
Marilyn Stowe on March 15, 2013 at 7:24 am
Dear Bev
In a short childless marriage it is highly unlikely that you would be ordered to pay him anything. You could download my book for 99p to read more about divorce and financial settlements. Vick the link on the side bar. All proceeds are going to charity.
Best wishes
Marilyn
win on March 15, 2013 at 12:51 am
Hi Marilyn,
I found out last week my husband had sex with a married woman in 2008. He admitted having “cyber sex” too with a different woman last year which happened from april to july 2012. I found this woman started communicating with him again in January 17, 2013. Since I found out, I can no longer bear to live with him. We started living separate lives, rooms, expenses,etc but still on the same house until 3 days ago, he eventually moved out from our home. We don’t have children in 12 years of marriage. And we’ve agreed on how we’ll divide our properties, money,and pension. We’ve agreed uncontested divorce will be file by me but to which ground will it fall? adultery alone or unreasonable behaviour? Can I do the petition paper on my own without a solicitor ? Many thanks.
Marilyn Stowe on March 15, 2013 at 7:20 am
Dear Win
I’m sorry you are in this situation. I would suggest you download my book which costs 99p from Amazon. The proceeds are going to charity. The link is on the side bar of this blog. It will give you all the Information you need to decide how to proceed. Make sure that you don’t rush headlong into this, take your time, consider all your options and in particular if you think divorce is the right option make sure your financials settlement is correct.
Best wishes
Marilyn.
JamesB on March 15, 2013 at 1:40 pm
Learnt something new today :
“If she wont, then he has every right to cross petition based upon his wife’s unreasonable behaviour and or adultery and suggest that there should be cross decrees with no order for costs. Thus he will divorce her and she him.”
Thanks Marilyn.
Also, ‘cybersex’? What is that? I think women like it more than men. in the absense of androids, I suppose it’s phone sex. Although I think avatars can have sex now, but I suppose it’s a new term for talking dirty down a phone pline, plus I suppose with avatars involved maybe. Still, technically I don’t think its adultary, and although probably better than sex by yourself only probably not as good as the real thing. But that’s my opinion, would be interested in someone who has done it’s pov? I say that as I keep getting women pregnant and it would avoid that and stds and be safe and might be something I could recommend to my kids perhaps? Although it would probably lead into them doing the real thing earlier, so perhaps not. Good weekend to all. Regards, J.
naomi on March 15, 2013 at 9:52 pm
now now james we all know that nothing beats the real thing thats why so many people end up married in the first place, personaly i prefer to keep things simple and then both sides know where they stand.
and marilyn is there nothing your book cant do? 
it may be an excellent method of birth control but for those of us who want children i think the real method is in the top ten ways to concieve unless your johnny 5
Cynthia Richards on March 17, 2013 at 6:14 pm
Hi Marilyn wondering if you can help. I entered into a civil partnership with a woman April 2012 to now find out that she misled me and she was originally born a man. Is this good grounds to obtain an end to the civil partnership.
Angelique on March 19, 2013 at 2:43 pm
Hi Marilyn
I have been trying to get divorced from my husband for over a year now. We have been separated since December 2011.
I am living in South Africa, and my husband in Indonesia, he moved there after we were separated. I found evidence on the internet, proving that my husband is in a intimate relationship with another lady, she refers to him as her “hubby” in one one of the pictures. Is there any grounds on from which I can get an immediate divorce. He has an attorney, i don’t, there is a struggle regarding the children, however they are all estranged from their farther, and show NO interest in having any contact with him whatsoever.
I am desperate! Is there any advise you can give me?
Please
Bob on March 25, 2013 at 2:58 pm
Hi Marilyn
Marry in haste……..we have been married for nearly 3 years with a 16 year old male stepson—-we are totally unsuited and have decided to end it now rather than down the line.
I will pay for all the costs but do i have to offer my wife any money—she at present works 25 hours per week–says she doesnt want any money or solicitor but i would rather do it properly–if you could advise me that would be very helpful
Many thanks
Bob
Marilyn Stowe on March 31, 2013 at 11:45 am
Dear Bob
This is about meeting your respective reasonable needs. Get some personal legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn
Stephanie on March 26, 2013 at 3:42 pm
Hi marilyn
I have split from my husband for 2years now but I have been seening him on an off now and again but now I have called it a day. The reason we split is because physical violence on his part I have a 6 year old lil girl its not his child she sees her real dad on regular basis. Am going to file for a divorce as I could never live with him again but I have started seeing someone else an got pregnant can he have me done for adultery even though we havent lived together for two years.i dont know will happen .
Marilyn Stowe on March 31, 2013 at 11:44 am
Dear Stephanie
You can divorce him and he can divorce you. Does it matter if you are both getting on with your lives? Try and agree why your marriage irretrievably broke down- two years separation by consent is the obvious answer.
Regards
Marilyn
Sarah on March 26, 2013 at 9:38 pm
Hi Marilyn, what impact on a divorce can it have it someone starts a relationship during srparation? I am married with a child, our marriage broke down for several reasons, my husband cheating for one. Since we separated I stared having feelings for someone else which I told my husband about – I am concerned now how this could impact on our divorce? My husband owns our home and others, I gave up work to look after our daughter who is two. I feel I have no control as he is in charge of all finances . He says if I leave I need to go straight back to work but I don’t want to do that to y daughter. Any advise would be appreciated.
Marilyn Stowe on March 31, 2013 at 11:42 am
Dear Sarah
Why don’t you go and see a solicitor? You are fully entitled to a fair share of all the assets and if you have feelings for someone else that doesn’t matter unless you intend to live with him or marry him.
Regards
Marilyn
A on March 27, 2013 at 12:59 am
Hi
A friend of mine divorced her husband – he admitted to adultery. But he had only been unfaithful with men. Is their divorce valid. If not, should the matter be reported and, if so, to whom?
Marilyn Stowe on April 17, 2013 at 8:28 am
Dear A
I decided not to reply to it.
Regards
Marilyn
Olga on March 30, 2013 at 1:57 am
I am still married to my husband, I was in a very violent abussive controlling and problems with the anger which was made worse by all his drinking. I have four children all in there late twenty . I finally found out that he used to date her when he was 21 and she was 31 that has been since my son was 12/14 years old. He is now 23 lives with me, he lives with his mistress who he took away dined and wined her went to the opera, then coming back to me giving me he’ll the shouting tyrannical rages, always pick a row for nothing, so while he was lying and leading this double life I suffered by him not leaving me. To cut a long story short? I ended up being very ill the stress of his constant taunting and being so mean cruel and selfish hearing her on the phone, and him just going out. I had a very serious kind of breakdown, I nearly lost my children’s respect and him trying to get the house, as I spent 17months on a mental health ward, he even brought her in? He received redundancy money, won’t work now has bonds assets and three knd of pension, I am now living off benefits, while he will not give me a share of all this, please let me know if I can claim that half back? I went for a divorce and he would not sign the papers, as I had stated of all the years of abuse and living in fear of him after coming home drinking hit kicking and trying to shove my face in boiling oil. Still I could not get him out , as he own half like me, he just is not making it easy for me? He keeps telling me that he has no money, yet she had my paper s deeds, marriage certificate in her safe? He still has other things of mine?
sswork,aletters,deeds , marriage certificate
Marilyn Stowe on March 31, 2013 at 11:26 am
Dear Olga
You are entitled to apply to have him removed from the home if he is making you so seriously ill, you can also apply for your entitlement to all the assets of this marriage including a share of all the capital including pensions and investments. Please see a solicitor straight away and stop your suffering.
Best wishes
Marilyn
Clara G on March 30, 2013 at 10:35 pm
I want to divorce my husband for adultery. Our only child is 19. My husbands income is five times mine. He says I am only entitled to half our house? We have been married for 24 years. Is this right?
Marilyn Stowe on March 31, 2013 at 11:22 am
Dear Clara
I’m away right now back next week but your question is so easy I can answer it on holiday. You are entitled to claim for maintenance a lump sum transfer of property pension share:- a fair share of all the assets capital and income. Please take personal legal advice straight away.
Best wishes
Marilyn
Sandra on April 3, 2013 at 8:56 pm
Hi i was married onthe 9/6/12 but as soon as we were married my husband refused to have any physical contact and claimed it was due to “illness” then mental issue. He became more and more secrative and verbally abussive. We split on the 17 September 2012 he demanded that me and my daughter leave the home we rented. I then found out that the debt we were in was due to him having two mobile phone contracts and that he had been texting a women 100 time in one hour, there are sexual pictures and testimones from women he has been with sextually on a web site. I have also received harrassing calls and texts from someone clsiming to be his girlfriend. I have good readon to believe he had been having affairs since before we were married. I want to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour – my question is can i file now even though there is till 65 days before its a full year?
Marilyn Stowe on April 7, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Dear Sandra
There is an absolute bar to issuing a divorce before 12months are up. You can issue on 10th June. In the meantime if you have financial issues you could apply via a judicial separation petition or a fail to maintain application.
Regards
Marilyn
Patricia on April 5, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Hi Marilyn, After 40yrs of marriage,my husband left me in October 2012 due to his adultery with a woman who had died 2wks previously. He now lives in a rented flat with another woman,but we jointly own our leasehold property which I live in still with my Adult daughter,her husband and 4 young children as I am disabled. Can he force a sale on the home and is it possible that the court might give the house to me on the grounds of adultery and unreasonable behaviour,also he has an early pension due in August would I be entitled to part of this and any subsequent pensions etc, I live on a state pension and small company pension plus disabled allowance so have problem finding extra cash for solicitor for divorce I am really worried for mine and the families future regarding house.
Marilyn Stowe on April 7, 2013 at 2:24 pm
Dear Patricia
You are entitled to ask the court to order you can stay put, either by transferring his share to you or deferring sale until a certain event eg your death.
You are entitled to ask for maintenance and a pension share. In effect a fair share to meet your reasonable needs of all there is.
I doubt you can do this alone. Please take legal advice. There are many ways of paying a solicitor and you need to discuss it with the firm of your choice.
Best wishes
Marilyn
Barbara on April 5, 2013 at 5:12 pm
Hi
I am in the process of divorcing my husband for unreasonable behaviour, several affairs with 2 best friends and I have put up with verbal and physical abuse for 30 years . Finally last year I went to the police about his violence and he received a police caution.
So far I have spent £7k on solicitors fees and I don’t seem to have got very far. When I had the first meeting for the solicitor, she implied, I wouldn’t have to give him 50%, as I had put more money into our home and paid the majority of the bills.My children are 24 and 26 and are both working.
As there was domestic violence involved , am I entitled to legal aid?
I need to reduce my legal fees , otherwise, I might as well throw the towel in, and give my soon to be ex 50%.
I think it so unfair that the courts do not take into account why you are getting divorced especially if domestic violence and adultery is involved.
I would value your feed back
Regards
Babs
Marilyn Stowe on April 7, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Dear Babs
Your solicitor should have assessed your entitlement to legal aid at the beginning and my guess is you werent financially eligible although check this and you could ask for a refund if you were.
You could get legal aid if financially eligible and satisfy the DV criteria.
As for fault, the courts take it into account only when it’s extremely grave and that’s rare. Mostly it’s about working out what there is and how to divide it according to the law.
If you aren’t happy with your lawyer, you can change.No point in feeling resentful part way though.
Regards
Marilyn
mohammad uddin on April 6, 2013 at 3:28 pm
i am living together with a girl who is already married to another man. she just come out from his house and strait away come to my house. is there any problem for us? she didnt have any divorce or separation. she just left house and started living together with me. whats the result of this situation? is there will be any legal problem for me or she?
Marilyn Stowe on April 7, 2013 at 2:17 pm
Dear Mohammed
You could be certainly involved in the divorce and end up paying the costs of the divorce. Your finances could also indirectly be taken into account.
Regards
Marilyn
AlanB on April 7, 2013 at 6:42 am
Hi Marilyn,
My wife and I have been separated for 19 months, we are amicable and I have plenty of access to the kids however, we are both keen to push the divorce through so that we can move on and have closure. In theory we have agreed a financial settlement and she is taking a larger portion from the sale of the house, in order to move on it has been suggested that she petitions me for divorce on the grounds of adultery even though this was not actually committed. I have the paperwork from the solicitor, the only section that really concerns me is the financial section about periodical payments, lump sum order and a property adjustment order which have all been ticked…is this just standard?. Whilst she has promised that there will be no impact to me if I agree to adultery however, I can’t help feeling anxious about doing so. We still have a good relationship and are able to sit down to discuss matters and she has assured me that as I have a strong and close relationship with my children that she would not want me to impacted in any way as this in turn would impact them. Your advice as to whether I should agree to adultery would be gratefully received.
Many thanks
Marilyn Stowe on April 7, 2013 at 7:54 am
Dear Alan
Under no circumstances whatsoever should you admit to adultery if it hasn’t taken place. This is a fraud on the by both of you and it is potentially very serious.
You could consider a petition based on the unreasonable behaviour of either of you if you want to divorce quickly or wait two years and divorce amicably on the basis of two years separation by consent.
Aston finances, to put matters beyond doubt you need confirmation of the agreement in writing from the solicitor. As you haven’t received that it may be that your wife doesn’t think there is one.
As I keep advising people, get your own legal advice to protect yourself.
Regards
Marilyn
Observer on April 7, 2013 at 2:01 pm
This sort of says it all about what is going on. People get tired of living together, and man is expected to fall on the sword so that woman can save face. While it is admirably civilized of some women to sit down with their partners and pressure them into dishonesty (a form of abuse in itself), the majority find it easier to just make a false allegation or two, knowing that all the authorities will back them up on that. That way, women get to tell all the family and friends that it had nothing to do with them, and take all the advantages that follow (alimony, maintenance, custody, hairdos and holidays).
Alan on April 8, 2013 at 11:04 am
Hi Marilyn,
Many thanks for your advice, I am seeking legal advice anyway but thought I would ask the question. As for the comment of falling on my sword from Observer, I have had relationships whilst we have been separated so I guess this could be classed as adultery?
Becky on April 9, 2013 at 6:01 pm
Hello. Question I’m afraid. I’m married and right now cannot afford to get divorced. I am in a new relationship and pregnant. Are there any legal implications that can affect my partner and his rights to our baby?
Thank you.
Marilyn Stowe on April 11, 2013 at 4:13 pm
Dear Becky
Your husband not your partner would be automatically considered the father of your baby unless your partner completes a declaration of parentage.
Regards
Marilyn
Mel on April 10, 2013 at 2:20 pm
Hi
Saw you briefly on “This Morning” – talking about legal aid.
Im half way through a divorce and im a single mum on benefit and was up till now getting legal aid. Where do i stand now?? Do i have to start paying?? or will legal aid continue if your half way through something??
If i need to pay, may have to go the rest of the way on my own as solicitors fees are out of my price range. Anyway just wondered where i stood now and what will be expected?
Thanks
Marilyn Stowe on April 11, 2013 at 4:14 pm
Dear Mel
If you had legal aid prior to 1st April it should continue. Check with your solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn
julian on April 11, 2013 at 5:44 pm
I have been living apart from my wife for 2 years in june, i was the adulterer, i wish to get a divorce. i am on benefits now also the girl that i was with is no longer on the seen and in a new relationship. Also i have had a string of dates in the last 2 years and been living the single life. There are no children being affected we didnt have any also no joint assets or money can i file for divorce or is still upto the estranged wife? what are the costings involved?
Marilyn Stowe on April 12, 2013 at 4:36 pm
Dear Julian
The sensible way forward is to disucss with your wife and one of you to file based upon you both having been separated for two years and you both consent to a divorce.
The cost depends. If you do it yourself its the cost of the court fees only £385 but if you are on benefits you may not have to pay. You could instruct an online divorce firm to do it and the prices vary wildly. You could instruct a firm of local solicitors and again the price will vary.
Regards
Marilyn
justine on April 12, 2013 at 10:01 am
Hi Marilyn, My partner had been seperated from his wife for 18 months when I met him. It is now a year later and he wants to file for divorce. They have a 5 year old child which he has always paid maintenance for. He wants to divorce her as they split due to her adultery, but she continued to live in the rented family home for 7 months whilst conitnuing to see her new boyfriend as my partner said he was not willing to throw his son out onto the street but was willing to wait until his wife had found suitable accomodation. We have been told that it is difficult to prove that you are seperated whilst living in the same house but to say they seperated when she moved out, which will only now make it just 2 years and she is not willing to do the 2 year agreed divorce. What can we do??
Marilyn Stowe on April 12, 2013 at 4:57 pm
Dear Justine
A divorce is based upon the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, supported by one of five facts. To obtain a “quickie” divorce a petitioner files upon the basis of adultery with an unamed person or unreasonable behaviour. If the parties agree they can divorce on separation for two years. Another is two years desertion or the parties have been separated five years and consent is not required.
I am sure your partner can get a divorce. Take legal advice.
Regards
Marilyn
Anne on April 13, 2013 at 3:59 am
Hi I separated from my husband of 6 years together for 13 years on the 1st of January we have been working to get back together he moved back in our marital home on monday this week daughter delighted me delighted him not so, he told me he has been seeing a 21 year old moved back out today to go live with her and her parents can I file for adultery
Marilyn Stowe on April 16, 2013 at 12:49 pm
Dear Anne
Yes provided he will confirm or you can prove it. If not you can divorce him on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour. More important is making sure you and your daughter have financial security. See a solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn
Barbara on April 14, 2013 at 10:24 pm
Hi, my husband had an affair which lasted a few months. We did get back together. I have just found out he has committed adultery again and has been seeing her for 2 years. We have seperated and he has gone to live with his new ‘very rich’ woman and left me in the house not knowing where to start. At present he is paying the mortgage and bills. I have been so tempted to contact his work. Where do I start?
Marilyn Stowe on April 16, 2013 at 1:09 pm
Dear Barbara
Not by contacting his work! If he loses his job you could lose out big style financially. Get some specifc legal advise about ending your marriage and obtaining a financial settlement.
Regards
Marilyn
SUE on April 16, 2013 at 1:26 pm
i have been seperated for 3 months my husband lives at another address all council tax and benifit forms changed to me can i now start seeing someone else or can he have me for adultary
Marilyn Stowe on April 16, 2013 at 1:28 pm
Dear Sue
If you are not yet divorced and either of you has a sexual relationship with another that is adultery. People get very hung up about this, but it wont land you in a criminal court it is simply a means of getting a divorce although he could claim the costs from you.
Frankly I would get on with ending your marriage and ensuring the costs are covered.
Regards
Marilyn
Jay on April 17, 2013 at 2:24 pm
Hi, I have an important question, my sister has been seeing a man for 2 1/2 years that is married, they have a child together and recently the mans wife found out and has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery, my question is this, can she name her in court and have her requested to be in court to try to prove the adultery? And can they force a paternity test to prove he fathered the child? Thank you. -Jay
Marilyn Stowe on April 17, 2013 at 2:30 pm
Dear Jay
Calm!!! If the petition is based upon adultery the court does not require a third party to be named. The Respondent simply needs to admit the adultery with an unamed person. This is not a criminal offence and there is no need to drag a child into it.
Regards
Marilyn
Claire on April 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm
My partner of nearly a year has been seperated for 6 years from his wife after her adultery. They have 3 children two and Uni and one still at school aged 14.. He has been paying the mortgage and all the bills during this time. We are renting together and would like to move on with our life with the possibilty of buying a house. I have no property of my own and work full time. My partner now wants to cite me in the divorce proceedings and he says all my monies have to be taken into account… I am sure this is not true, I was not the reason for their marriage breakdown and Tim also had another partner before me. Hope you can help
Marilyn Stowe on April 19, 2013 at 1:57 pm
Dear Claire
There is no need to name anyone in a divorce based upon adultery.
As for your financial position, it is only indirectly relevant in relation to assist him in meeting needs such as housing outoings etc.
Dont buy a house together without making sure you agree in writing what will happen to the proceeds on death and also in the event of you splitting up.
Regards
Marilyn
May on April 17, 2013 at 5:46 pm
Dear Marilyn,
My husband and I have both agreed to have a divorce with no children or finance issues involved. I live outside the UK, he lives in the UK. The biggest problem is that he refuse to draw a petition against me to initiate the divorce, and he refuse to be the one takeing the blame if I initiate one against him.he insists that it is not his will to divorce so he wont start it against me, but neither it is his fault to take the blame for the divorce out of the five grounds. I can accept it for him to say that I have unreasonable behavior but he wouldn’t consider initiating the divorce. Is there a way for both parties to initiate the divorce amicably together. As I live outside the UK, do I have to come back to the UK every time there has to be correspondence or can it be sent to or from overseas. It is really torturing both of us going through such a period of emotional pain. Thank you for spending your time reading and answering to the posts.Please give some advice.thank you
Marilyn Stowe on April 19, 2013 at 2:03 pm
Dear May
Cant you get divorced where you live?
If you have been separated for two years you can get divorced on that basis if you both agree. Or you could wait five years and divorce him then even if he doesnt agree.
You could potentially divorce him here now because his behaviour may have been unreasonable or he may have committed adultery. Unless he defends the divorce and that is very rare and expensive, you would not need to go to court. Get yourself a good lawyer to see it through.
Regards
Marilyn
claire on April 17, 2013 at 7:07 pm
Marilyn
My partner of nearly a year has been separated from his wife for 6 years after she committed adultery.. They have 3 children, only one left at home the age of 14. His has paid for all bills and mortgage for these years, plus having to pay for rental and bills for himself. We are now living together and he wants to proceed with the divorce. He wants me to be cited and also he states all my earnings must also be declared. I believe this is not true and have expressed that I do not wish to be cited since they have been apart for 6 years… please advise
susan lay on April 17, 2013 at 7:13 pm
have been married 45 yrs,its been a very controlling marriage by my husband,jan 3 my husband admitted adultery, he moved out, only to come back 5 weeks later, to live,and still with his new partner,i filled for divorce,feb, life is dreadfull,how long could divorce take.thanks sue.
Marilyn Stowe on April 19, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Dear Susan
A divorce takes about 16 weeks but a financial settlement could take longer, and its worth making sure you are financially secure before getting divorced.
Regards
Marilyn
show on April 19, 2013 at 2:31 am
hi i really need help . my girlfriend is in ireland and she is married but she dont live with that guy for a long time . and she is irish . can she come to england to marry me.
because ireland and england is a different country . or she just submit the divorce file in ireland and come to england to marry me . so my question is can we marry in england to show that she is single in england . many thanks.
Marilyn Stowe on April 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Dear Show
Your girlfriend cant marry in one country then marry again in another. That is called bigamy and its a criminal offence. She is not single in English law.
Regards
Marilyn
Dorothy on April 21, 2013 at 1:07 pm
My mother and father have been married for 40 years during which time he has had numerous affairs. When my mother first found out 15 years ago, she began divorce proceedings but he made it so complicated, she couldn’t afford to continue. 8 years ago he started a relationship with a new danish woman. He told us he was renting a room in her house when he was in Denmark on business but when I went to visit him there, they slept in the same room and she later wrote me an email to say they were a couple. I told my mum but she did not believe me. Last month I found out that he has subsequently been leading a double life, going on holiday with her and her family, taking her to visit his parents, and buying a house together with her. My mum now wants to divorce but is scared she will be left with nothing and cannot afford the divorce proceedings. She is 65 years old and is not on the deeds of the family house she has lived in for 15 years, has no children under 18 at home and my father is self-employed and works abroad so she has no proof of his earnings. She does own a house in France which she bought with inheritance from her mother. Can she still divorce for adultery even if she choose not to believe me the first time I told her 5 years ago? Is she entitled to any settlement from my father including half of the house she lives in? Can she get my father to pay the legal fees if he refuses to divorce her? Thanks
Harriet on April 22, 2013 at 2:09 pm
Dear Marilyn,
My partners ex wife commited adultry and left the house they lived in, she is now living with her parents and in a relationship with the third party.
My partner and I met a month after she left (My partner has texts to prove that her adultery happened prior to him meeting me, where it happened and just how amazing it was! ) She has filed divorce on the terms that my partner is committing adultery with me. I realise that he is, yet he would not have sought such a relationship had she not have cheated. I am now classed as the Co-respondant (Unamed Female third party)
He naturally contested this and her lawyers are aware of the evidence he has. Her lawyers have told my partner that it’s neither here nor their who was adulterous first. Is this correct? Surely not as that’s the reason they are no longer together – He has no lawyer as is left with the mortgage and martial debts so simply cannot afford one. The ex has also said he is to pay ALL court fees. Is this right? He stated in his answer that he was happy to pay half.
We have now received a letter that all parties must attend the court next week, the court letter refers back to a letter we should have received from her solicitors (We have not that specific letter) All financials have been settled, remain to be paid but settled.
We are worried that even though her solicitors know my partner have evidence why they are choosing to represent her lies, and there may be a curve ball. Help!!!??
Thank you in advance!
Marilyn Stowe on April 25, 2013 at 12:34 pm
Dear Harriet
If either party has a sexual relationship with another whilst still married, technically that is adultery.
You need to agree who will divorce whom and on what basis and who will pay the costs.
Regards
Marilyn
Grace on April 23, 2013 at 12:36 am
I had been married for 12 years and have not worked for this long as well. We have 2 kids together now aged 10 and 8. When we moved here in the UK and he started travelling abroad he’s character changed. He became very controlling and emotionally and physically abusive towards me. End of 2010 I discovered that he has been having an affair for nearly 3 years and when confronted he admitted to it. I told him that I wasn’t sure if I can forgive him and will need to think about if I still want to carry on with the marriage. After 1 year I told him cannot carry on with the marriage and we verbally agreed that we are separating. When he realise I started dating people he became even more aggressive and abusive that I have to take a non-molestation and an injuction order against him. Now I am certain that I want a divorce and my only concern is my 10yr old daughter is a daddy’s girl and she wants to live with her dad. Is there anything I can do to make my daughter lives with me and my son until she is slightly older say 12 or 13yrs? Also will my husband give me spousal support when he thinks I am commiting adultery.
I hope you can help me. Thank you.
Grace
Marilyn Stowe on April 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm
Dear Grace
The court will take into account what is in the best interests of the child in terms of where the child should live. The child’s opinion is one factor but not them all. Read Section One Children Act 1989 where all those factors are set out.
As for finances, adultery isnt strictly relevant. Your reasonable financial needs and those of your children should be met at the end of a marriage.
Go and see a solicitor.
Regards
Marilyn.
rich on April 23, 2013 at 12:52 pm
I got married in july 2012 and my wife split with me at the start of October, I had suspected she was seeing someone else during that period though she denied it, splitting with me so soon after marrying me just furthered my suspicions, i have recently found out that she is having a sexual reationship with him (though still denying it and of ever cheating on me), I now want to divorce her but know she’ll never admit cheating on me, is it still adultery even if we are not still together? And does she have to admit it? Thanks
Rachel on April 29, 2013 at 8:15 pm
My partner left his wife in December after 16 years of marriage leaving behind a child. I met him in early January and have been together since. Since the wife found out about me, she insists we committed adultery and has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery (which my partner wanted ,to get the divorce done quicker) I am not bothered about this as i know this is not true, however I have now found out that i am pregnant, which we are both happy about. We don’t live together , as he rents an apartment. Will this affect the outcome of the divorce ie. how much money he will need to pay her, will it be reduced as he will have more outgoings?, will the courts see in favour of her and take into consideration my income as well as hers, even though i have 2 children from a previous relationship, and still expect a high amount off him??? Any advice is much appreciated , thanks
Marilyn Stowe on May 9, 2013 at 2:26 pm
Dear Rachel
The court will consider all the circumstances and award accordingly. Your income will not be taken into account except in so far as it may assist your partner to meet his own needs.
Regards
Marilyn
rebecca on April 29, 2013 at 8:48 pm
Hi. My friends husband walked out on her and moved into another womans house who he was having an affair with. She brought her house before they got together and were married. They have two children. He has never paid towards the mortgage. Is he entitled to anything? She is worrying he will make her sell and take money from her.
Marilyn Stowe on May 9, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Dear Becky
Your friend has strong arguments. The house was acquired long before he was on the scene and she has needs to be met presumably because the children will be living with her. What i dont know is all the other assets in the case and the relevant circumstances of the marriage to comment further. So tell her to see a solicitor and stop worrying.
Regards
Marilyn
JamesB on April 30, 2013 at 4:56 pm
re : Alana on January 27, 2013 at 12:57 pm, I found that post moving. I hope you are well and ok. I respect people who realise the importance of marriage and divorce. Where a spouse divorces through temper and anger and the poor advice of so called friends’ then that it is not good, as a kneejerk reaction.
Divorce is a life changing thing, especially where children are concerned, it usually affects them the most. I think it could be possible for a marriage to survive an affair. Although if it were me I would probably have an affair at least to even things up and make myself feel better perhaps.
Mick on April 30, 2013 at 11:59 pm
I left my wife of 15 years 5 weeks ago as I do not love her any more and wish to start a new life again by myself. (We have no children and own our house). I have felt this way for a number of years but was struggling to find a way of telling her that I wanted to leave and ended up not being as direct as I should have been. She feels that I have treated her very badly by being withdrawn and uncommunicative for the last two weeks of living at my house before I moved out as I was finding it almost impossible to break the bad news for fear of hurting her too much. Some of her friends have suggested that I may have been having an affair which is completely untrue. She is now insinuating that I have been seeing someone but I believe this is due to other people putting things into her head at a vulnerable time in her life and trying to stir up problems for me. Again, I have not had an affair nor do I wish to enter into a relationship for the foreseeable future.
My question is; will I be cited for adultery in the divorce if I have a sexual relationship with anyone from now until the actual divorce is final? Also, will this affect the financial settlement in her favour even though we no longer live together?
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 5:06 pm
Dear Mick
I Potentially adultery continues until you are divorced however it doesnt usually affect a financial settlement unless you are going to marry or live with someone when your financial circumstances might thereafter change.
Your wife could allege adultery, or unreasonable behaviour. You need to ensure that you protect yourself against a costs order for the divorce.
Regards
Marilyn
Lukey on May 1, 2013 at 12:18 am
Blimey – reading through this posts shows how difficult things are for some people – puhleeeeeeeeeze – do yourselves a favour or two, STOP getting married and be far more careful about entering headlong into relationships you haven’t come to fully understand !
Ms R. on May 3, 2013 at 12:36 pm
Thanks for your article and the time you give to answering all these questions. I have a point of clarification regarding the 6-month time limit after the discovery of adultery. I found out about my husband’s affair at the end of January this year and thought I only had until end of June to file based on adultery. We separated end of February. But I was recently advised by a gentleman at Wikivorce that, so long as I didn’t continue to live with my husband for more than 6 months after learning of the adultery, I could in fact file for divorce at any later date. So they interpret the time limit as applying to the amount of time you live together after knowing about the adultery, not the overall amount of time that has elapsed before filing. I’m concerned because, after sorting my children and myself out emotionally and financially, I’m now able to do the necessary but am running up against a deadline that I might not meet, since I need to order copies of certificates, file an ex160 for court fee remission, etc. Thanks for your clarification on this issue.
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 4:53 pm
Dear Ms R
Dont panic. If you separated one month after learning of his adultery that should be fine.
Regards
Marilyn
david on May 4, 2013 at 8:05 pm
I am currently in the process of a divorce, I was just wondering what spousal maintenance is, how much will i have to pay and for how long?? My wife filed for divorce on me after our marriage broke down, we have a child together i know i will have to to pay maintenance for him, but just wondered about the spousal one???
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 4:39 pm
Dear David
Spousal maintenance is paid based upon reasonable need and the income and outgoings of both of you. Length also depends upon need. Have a look at the chapters in my book which deal with this in more detail than I can here. Its available from Amazon for 99p.
Regards
Marilyn
Mike on May 5, 2013 at 9:22 am
My wife terminated the tenancy agreement on our house and moved out taking almost everything with her and moved her new partner in. I was made homeless for ten months, forced to live in my car for four months, before I was re-homed. I now live on pension credit and housing benefit. My wife agreed to accept a divorce on the grounds of her adultery but, eight months on, she has not returned the confession statement.
My solicitor tells me that if she refuses to admit adultery then we are unable to proceed without “proof”. She says that the court will not accept the fact that they are living together as a couple, sleeping in the same bed and discussing their sex life on Facebook as evidence and has said I will need to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
This suggests that it is impossible to divorce a spouse for adultery if they refuse to admit it. I would have thought that any petition which is undefended would automatically be accepted by the court but I’ve been told by two solicitors that this is not the case. This makes a mockery of the “adultery” grounds as it seems things haven’t changed from the days when a private detective had to be employed to virtually catch the partner “in flagrante delicto”.
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 4:36 pm
Dear Mike
You can divorce your wife based upon her unreasonable behaviour. You do not need proof of adultery.
Regards
Marilyn
Celia on May 6, 2013 at 1:35 am
Dear Maryln
My Husband filed for divorce based on Adultery in August 2012. We separated in Feb 2011 and have both now got new partners. The real reason is due to my ex’s excessive drinking and gambling not to mention his poor hygiene. I cant afford to cross petition but I just dont want to let him get away scot free.My Husband stole my jewellery from me worth over £4000 but claims it was a gift from me to him, I told his solicitor I would sign the papers providing this was returned to me. It turns out he has sold it but they still insist I sign because they says its verbal agreeing. I was very clear when I said I would only sign upon return of goods or cash value. We also have a substantial amount of debt owed to family for a deposit on a house but he claims not to remember.
What should I do? Should I sign and start a separate case with the police but what about the money as the only proof I have of that is my parents word.
Please advise
Kind regards
Celia
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 4:35 pm
Dear Celia
You have two issues. The first is you want a divorce. He is divorcing you and you can admit the adultery providing there is no claim for costs of the divorce made against you. Then he can apply for Decree Nisi and thereafter Decree Absolute and you will both be divorced. If he wont negotiate a financial payment to you, then the second point is to apply for a financial settlement. You can apply for a lump sum order against him in the divorce proceedings.
Regards
Marilyn
Jane on May 8, 2013 at 10:04 pm
Dear Marilyn, my husband and I separated in January after I found texts on my sons iPod (it had been linked to my husbands phone) to a male friend of ours which proved without a doubt he had had an affair with him a while back, and was trying to rekindle this affair. Since I found this out it has also come to light that he has put himself on a gay website under my name strangely enough, and is on transvestite websites trying to arrange ‘meets’ I knew he was a TV but he had always sworn it would never lead to anything else. I have had 2 one night stands since I found all this out and he is now trying to force me to lie on the divorce petition that we have already been separated for 2 years otherwise he wants to cite these two one night stands in the divorce and base it on my adultery! What is my best option here? We own a large house that he built but I feel like he is trying to make sure I do not get what I am owed from this marriage. Would I be best to cite his unreasonable behaviour, does this affect the settlement?
Thank you
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 5:11 pm
Dear Jane
The view of the court is usually that it isnt necessary to go into lurid detail in order to divorce. Unreasonable behaviour details should be kept “anondyne” provided they arent defended. You can agree the particulars with him before issuing to keep things as civilised as possible.
You could also agree to divide the court costs.
For a financial settlement to be affected behaviour has to be beyond the pale. I dont think what you write would be sufficient.
You need to consider a financial settlement in terms of Section 25 Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 and I would suggest you download my book from Amazon called Divorce and Splitting Up, the cost is 99p and it is all discussed in more detail.
Regards
Marilyn
Regards
Marilyn
kaylie on May 10, 2013 at 9:47 pm
hi Marilyn, my partner who I have been with for 18 mth has been separated for over 2 years from his wife. she basically wants everything, the house and business ( which is in her name but he helped to build) all my partner wants is 10,000 for each f his 3 children put into a trust fund. my partners parents died 6 mth ago n she wants half his inheritance is she entitled to this?
Marilyn Stowe on May 10, 2013 at 9:52 pm
Dear Kaylie
Doesn’t he have a lawyer? He’s not a door mat, she won’t get everything, the idea is there should be a fair settlement between them primarily based upon reasonable needs of them both and non matrimonial assets shouldn’t be involved if reasonable needs can be met without recourse to them.
It’s always very difficult for a new partner who is siding with one party to see things dispassionately. I’d try not to get involved, let him sort it out for himself.
Regards
Marilyn
jackie on May 12, 2013 at 12:56 am
Hi marilyn,
I met my partner a year ago, he was seperated from his wife but not divorced. She’s now filing for divorce on the grounds of adultry. He’s admitted as the law says. However I have recieved court papers to sign to admit my involvement and agree to pay any costs. I personally don’t want to admit or sign. Am I able to refuse? Please help x
Marilyn Stowe on May 12, 2013 at 6:40 am
Dear Jackie
This seems very unpleasant and unnecessary. You do not have to reply. Your partner can admit his adultery without naming you and he can deal with the issue of costs.
Regards
Marilyn
Jill on May 15, 2013 at 7:13 pm
hi Marilyn
I have just discovered that my husband has been having an affair with someone at work. I read months and months of emails between them that we’re in his work trash folder. Am I within my rights to ask the company for copies of all correspondence between them or will a solicitor need to do that? Many thanks.
Linda on May 16, 2013 at 2:01 am
Hi there im not sure y my husband got married to me in 2011. I jave caught him cheating in July lasy year and again in November. I found out I was pregnant and major problems.i jave to go through csa for maintenance and just found out that he has a child with this woman as well. On devorce wat else can I do as he has put me through alot and is now neglecting his child that he has with me as we r still married. I still believe he married me for his stay.
ann-marie goddard on May 18, 2013 at 10:57 pm
hi I was just wondering what the law is about my ex husband seeing another woman while we are in the middle of getting divorced and having intercourse with her. Would I be able to have her done for adultery we separated back over a year ago and filed for divorce this year
Marilyn Stowe on May 19, 2013 at 9:56 am
Dear Ann-Marie
Until you are divorced then technically it is adultery. Is he divorcing you? If he is and has a solicitor acting for him and you haven’t make sure you aren’t landed with a legal bill for divorce costs.
Regards
Marilyn