In pursuit of his true identity, the farmer rejected his family and sex

I long ago concluded that divorce arises out of uncontrollable human instincts including self preservation, protection and survival. A person going through divorce, whether they admit it or not, is forced to think almost exclusively of what is in his or her best interests. Irrespective of all else - and by force of human nature - they are powerless to act otherwise.

Behaviour which occurs because we are innately flawed human beings makes decent people who wouldn’t otherwise dream of behaving badly to others, react inwardly and selfishly, in order to protect themselves. Some philosophers say we are born flawed. Others say we become flawed. Others still say our reactions are pre-destined and beyond our control as are the circumstances in which we find ourselves. They say we have no choice, no “free will”.

Personally I think we do make our own decisions, and we do have choices, but not as much as we might wish if we were all perfect - and we aren’t. Human instinct in a survival situation isn’t about continuing to hunt with the rest of the pack, meekly obeying custom and laws of society. It is about making private decisions to tackle the challenges we face alone, in order to best survive. In those circumstances our instincts say “to hell with the rest of the world”. That is why, not knowing how I would behave in their situation, I can never ‘blame’ a client for his or her choices, no matter the consequences to others caught in the cross fire.

The most extreme case of self-preservation I have come across, involved a client of mine who was undergoing a complete sex change. He had three children to his wife during their 20 year happy, heterosexual marriage. But now, he had abandoned his entire family as indeed they had him. They had reacted adversely to his sex change.

He was a tortured soul, going through mental and physical hell. From his perspective, he couldn’t understand why they had abandoned him in his time of greatest need. Conversely, they couldn’t understand why their husband, father, provider, rock of their lives, had so completely abandoned them for his own personal desires.

It isn’t a very common situation. In order to advise him, I did quite a bit of research, reading about his likely motivations and likely reactions to given situations. I spoke to an expert transgender psychiatrist about what can drive people into such a total life change. I was told that the desire to change sex will surface in the late teens but it can be too shocking and frightening for an adolescent to handle. It would typically be something an adolescent would mentally fight, and was unlikely ever to be discussed with another person. Thus such an individual would typically marry and have children, these feelings would be something to run away from, to deny. The desire to change gender would not diminish and would remain dormant and be subverted for many years. However usually in the 40’s age group, the need would resurface, become too powerful, completely irresistible - and the result would be literally, life changing.

Divorce would of course be inevitable. Such a divorce would be as emotionally tough to handle as they come - both sides being caught up in a gale of emotions, purely to satisfy a desire that had taken over one person’s life and irrespective of the effect on all the rest.

From a financial point of view, this would be catastrophic. A substantial sum of money is often required to achieve a gender change and provide for the person’s needs thereafter. Combined with an inability to work for some time, and social changes thereafter, there may be little else left for the rest of the family struggling to come to terms with the fall out of a gender change of a parent. Such a family will view that person’s decision as the most selfish possible, dragging them all down, financially, socially and emotionally causing irreparable damage.

Over the period of time I acted for him, my client underwent a nasty physical and physiological process to become a woman. As he fought for his survival, he viewed his family as his opponents and he repeatedly told me, over and over, clear as a bell, he was thinking only of himself.

At least he was honest. How many of us are honest enough, to be able to say in divorce, I am fighting only for my survival, my preservation?

My client lived in a small country town. He used to work as a farmer along with his father and two brothers, and they too had all rejected him, embarrassed by “the freak” in their family. The financial case eventually settled through the generosity of his family towards the wife and children. I thought I saw a glimmer of pity for her former husband as his wife faced him across the table where we met in her lawyer’s offices. Perhaps it was my imagination.

After the deal was done, I went to look at the town’s famous street market. I saw my client at a stall close by, buying some cheese and he had not seen me. He was wearing too much make up, his hair was straggly, too long and too black. He was tall, powerful and awkward looking in his farmer’s wife tweed skirt and waxed jacket. I saw two women spot him, recognise him, nudge each other and giggle. He saw them too and walked away. He didn’t buy the cheese.

I thought of how in the office, he had spoken of his life only in terms of himself, and having witnessed the market scene I understood completely. But I thought about the loss of his children, and their loss of a father. I thought of the loss of a husband to a loving wife and his loss of a loving partner. But above all, I thought of the most powerful demonstration of human instinct at work, in a primeval fight. I was in awe of the power of uncontrollable emotions that can take hold of us all, and drive us down paths we could never imagine. And if ever I needed a lesson about the human fallibility deep in us all, and our inability to control nature’s urges and desires within us, I learned it from that client.

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• Unmarried parents, children and chequebooks
• Divorce overseas: ten steps to protect your children
• Clients and bankruptcy: a cautionary tale
• Adultery, divorce and a modern-day “epidemic”
• Dirty Divorce Tricks – Part 1
• Cohabitation and our cowardly lawmakers
• Dirty Divorce Tricks – Part 2
• Pandora’s Box
• Hell hath no fury…
• Meet The Barracuda…