The 1989 Children Act came into force in 1991 and I remember its arrival very well, not least because it signalled an entirely child-centred focus in family law disputes. It was worth a try. Custody, the cause of so much animosity, was abolished in favour of “residence” and “contact” with children. The overriding principle, that the welfare of the child is paramount, became enshrined in law. Ever since then it has been slavishly applied in pursuit of a fair outcome in family law disputes involving children.

My practice is centred on private law disputes, and most are between the mother who has day-to-day care of the child, and the father who seeks to play a more important role in the lives of his children post-separation. In these modern times, the father has usually played a major role before splitting from his partner. Often he finds that once out in the cold, he has to fight – and fight hard in some cases – to keep up a meaningful relationship with his children. Many fathers give up en route. It becomes too expensive and too time-consuming. They lose faith in the various judges they meet along the way who, as the law requires, must remain impartial in the children’s overall interests.

David Norgrove’s solution? Fathers’ groups were hoping that equal rights of access would be given to both parents. In trying to help, Mr Norgrove has instead proposed the abolition of the terms “residence” and “contact”. But what will this achieve? Surely it is the principle that needs reviewing, rather than the name of the application?

It is true to say that the majority of disputes about children are resolved out of court. There may be flourishes or minor skirmishes, but most parents are ultimately pragmatic. They recognise the need for all family members to move on with their lives and adapt to a new lifestyle. In theory, the principle that the welfare of the child is paramount is applied by both parents to all decisions about future care. In reality, I suspect that many cases are resolved because all parties’ needs have been catered for.

In family law, the financial settlement on divorce recognises the needs and requirements of both parties and their children. All parties’ rights and interests are recognised. When it comes to disputes involving children, however, the focus narrows and the parents’ rights go virtually unrecognised. Child-centred legislation has its merits. However it excludes the respect and integrity that are, surely, due to all parties in what is described as “family” breakdown. Grandparents, for example, must obtain the court’s leave before they can make an application for contact. Why should they have to jump through two sets of hoops just to see their grandchildren? Aren’t judges more than capable of making a judgement without the prior requirement for leave, which causes such humiliation and distress?  Why such a lack of understanding for the needs of those other than a child?

The law is clearly not working as well as it could or should. Overlooked and disparaged, parents, grandparents and cohabitants are crying out for suitable legislation. What a shame it is that the Family Justice Review has dismissed this opportunity to even up the playing field and restore some dignity for all parties involved in family breakdown. Instead we have more of the same: an entirely child-centred review of the family justice system, which changes little.

Perhaps this isn’t surprising, when you look at the composition of the Family Justice Review panel. Lord Justice McFarlane, a former child-centred practitioner and academic, is its sole legal representative. Almost all the Panel’s members come from child-centred or administrative backgrounds. With such a narrow train of focus of expertise and experience, how could they fully understand the needs of all parties in family breakdown? Should we be surprised that they have produced a Family Justice Review that lacks vision and flair and is, essentially, more of the same?

Society has undergone profound changes in the 20 years since the Children’s Act took effect. The numbers of unmarried families, working mothers, stay-at-home fathers and grandparents who play an active role in childcare and unmarried families have all soared. I don’t take issue with the principle that the child’s welfare is paramount – that is as it should be – but my everyday experiences as a family lawyer convince me that the current law is deficient and that reform is required.

I don’t believe that reform is unrealistic, or far-fetched. I also think it is telling that earlier today, after I appeared on BBC Radio Five Live and suggested the same, listeners called in to agree. (You can listen to the programme here.)

So where do we go from here? I would like to see the Children Act reviewed not by a child-centred, bureaucrat-heavy review body, but by experts who work in the field day in and day out, who know the pitfalls of today’s legal practice and procedure. One sensible way forward would be to continue to place the child at the forefront of all decisions, while enshrining in such law the rights of all family members to a family life. In the meantime, the current problems are bound to continue.

The book’s full title is Glorious Grandparenting: Having the Time of Your Life with Your Grandchildren. Gloria, a grandparent of nine, decided to write it as a “celebration of what it is to be a grandparent today”.

However the book also features grandparents who have become separated from their grandchildren and examines the controversial lack of rights for grandparents. Gloria Hunniford’s publishers contacted me earlier this year, after I advised Coronation Street producers on a complicated storyline that brought grandparents’ legal rights (or lack of) to the fore.

Six years ago Gloria Hunniford’s only daughter, TV presenter Caron Keating, died aged 41 from breast cancer, leaving behind two sons. Gloria continues to enjoy a strong relationship with her son-in-law and grandsons, but her attendance at a Downing Street reception for The Grandparents’ Association afforded her a “tiny glimpse” into how life might be for grandparents who lose touch with their grandchildren.

In her book, I outline the legal rights of grandparents, offer advice and highlight some of the changes within the law that I would like to see made following the introduction of the Childhood and Families Ministerial Task Force in June 2010. (I have also detailed these proposed changes in an earlier post, We must help the grandparents hit by divorce).

After making promising noises earlier in the year, our government has gone quiet on this subject of late. I am pleased that Gloria Hunniford, who has been appointed an ambassador of The Grandparents’ Association, is drawing upon her profile and working hard to keep grandparents’ rights on the agenda.

Glorious Grandparenting (Vermilion, £16.99) is currently available from bookshops and Amazon. A paperback edition is planned for Spring 2011.

We have today signed up to a property in Central London, literally 2 minutes from the family court (aka the Principal Registry on High Holborn); and when a makeover has taken place, Stowe Family Law will be opening its third office. In London!!! 

I have always dreamed of working in London. Starting off as I did from the most humble of beginnings, working in an office that was in fact a converted cobbler’s shop in a run down suburb of Leeds, little did I ever think one day it would become a reality! I could have exchanged contracts earlier in the week, but waited until today because today is my late Granny’s birthday. I’ve written before about how much I valued her friendship, her wisdom and unconditional love – and I wanted to honour her memory in this way. 

I was very moved by the compliment that I received this year from Chambers and Partners, in their guide to lawyers that “Marilyn Stowe has built the successful practice and wins excellent results for clients”. 

I actually owe it unreservedly to my team. 

It would not be possible to turn a dream into reality and open an office in London without their help; – we are a team of 19 solicitors plus our trainees, an in house forensic accountancy department and a proficient admin team who all together make up Stowe Family Law. The resources that we have, the experience, the knowledge, and the abilities – yes, I would say that, but believe me, if I wasn’t 100% certain we cut the mustard, I wouldn’t be heading into the lion’s den!

So I’m hoping we will bring some of our “Northern Charm” to the practice of family law in Central London, giving of our all and going the extra mile, in exactly the same way we do now for our clients from our offices in the north and north-west of England.

Have a great weekend and many thanks for all your support.

Marilyn 

Photo credit: andreweick

This week it is my turn not to criticise, but to praise the Conservative Party. Newspapers have reported that the Conservatives, if they win the next election, intend to give new, improved legal rights to millions of grandparents in England and Wales.

According to the Daily Mail:

The law will be changed to ensure [grandparents] do not lose contact with their grandchildren after a family separation, divorce or bereavement.

They will also be put at the front of the custody queue if their grandchildren face being fostered or taken into care. 

As it happens, I am currently advising the research team at one of Britain’s best-loved soaps on this same subject. The storyline is top secret though! I have had lengthy discussions with the researchers about current law; they were incredulous to discover that the blood relationship between a child and a grandparent means nothing in law.

If grandparents want automatic access to their children or if, as in more extreme cases, they want their grandchildren to live with them, they must jump through two sets of legal hoops. First, they must obtain leave of the court to make their application. If successful, only then may they apply for an order.

Given the state of current law, many hapless grandchildren become caught up in a tug of war. So in practice, although grandparents may apply to the court for an order, the potential impact on their grandchildren and the non-recoverable cost of applying to the courts means that in many cases, the grandparents simply give up.

Current law states that the welfare of the children is paramount. Therefore the court must look at the situation from that perspective. And in so doing the root of the problem becomes immediately clear.

I have spoken to many grandparents who all appear to have made the same mistake. They can’t help themselves. It’s natural because blood is thicker than water. They side with their own child against the spouse, often to prevent their own money passing out of the family. They become too emotionally involved in the divorce, feeling their child’s pain of their child; they worry too much; they become distressed. Worst of all, unable to prevent themselves, they speak badly of their former son or daughter-in-law to their grandchildren. Inevitably the grandchildren repeat those comments – and thus at some stage, another battle begins.

I have lost count of the emotional and agitated grandparents who come to my office and sit with their son or daughter, throwing petrol on the fire. They think they are helping their child; in fact they are causing substantial harm to themselves.

My advice?  Don’t go near the lawyer’s office!

If your child was old enough to get married and have a family without parental help, then that child is old enough to get divorced without your help. There is little you can do, and you need to keep calm.

“Ah yes”, you will reply, “but parents are parents all their lives! How can they stop being parents? Their first loyalty is to their child.”

That is true: I tell my son that I will always be his mum through thick and thin. But parenting skills don’t stop when a child becomes an adult. Standing back from the fray and offering wise counsel to all is infinitely better than diving in headfirst.

Of course, money can complicate matter. It can make people – grandparents included – lose their senses.

I was involved in one recent case in which the husband and his father combined forces to defeat the wife’s claims. The husband pleaded poverty; all his assets were acquired in his father’s name. No surprise then that his children refused to have anything to do with the paternal grandparents who, in their view, had betrayed their impoverished mother.

The children were old enough to instruct the judge when the grandparents attempted, fruitlessly, to renew contact. These grandchildren never want to see their grandparents again.

I have had some clients who have praised their in-laws. It must be said, however, that the vast majority have not. The simple truth, I suspect, is that nobody is perfect. We reap what we sow.

Even if your grown-up children are just finding their potential partners, I recommend that you bite your lip and hold your tongue. You can never know how long someone will hold a grudge for. You don’t ever want to find out. Neither do your grandchildren.

Image credit: ubg43.

The Mature Times

On family breakdown the bulk of attention will, of course, focus upon the couple and their children. However grandparents are also an important part of family life.

When I was growing up, my grandparents were my closest confidantes. My grandmother would buy me books and records; later, when I was living in France, letters filled with wise counsel would arrive almost daily.

As a maturing teenager, I could discuss with my grandparents all sorts of things that I didn’t feel I could tell my parents. I adored my grandparents and benefited from their unconditional love. They were there when needed and could be trusted to keep my secrets. My grandfather had a sweet stall at Leeds Market. As a teenager I worked alongside him; thanks to him, I learned how to deal with people. He was unfailingly friendly to everyone; several years after he died, a Leeds judge who attended his synagogue wrote to tell me how much he had liked and admired him. My grandfather made his boiled sweets in a little factory. Life in that factory and on that market stall was very tough, and the cold weather undoubtedly shortened my grandmother’s life. She suffered from pleurisy and died aged 61, when I was very young.

My other grandmother was my best friend. She came from a different background: when she was young she used to “take the waters” at Harrogate with her grandmother. Well-educated, she was one of the first women journalists in Leeds. During the war she worked in a munitions factory and lost a finger in an accident, but she never mentioned it or complained. My grandmother was a remarkable woman whose life story would make a quite a novel! I used to meet her for lunch once a week in Leeds; she always wore a silk scarf with great elegance.

It is difficult to imagine my childhood and my early adulthood without my beloved grandparents at my side. On my dressing table I keep a treasured photograph of them, taken when I graduated from Leeds University.

It is a sad fact that in some cases, relationships with grandchildren can be fractured or faded by divorce. In a worst case scenario, grandparents may seek contact orders through the courts; it is preferable, however, to resolve issues amicably.

My advice for grandparents includes the following:  

• Try to discuss matters with the child’s parents at an early stage. Do not take sides or play the blame game. Make it clear that all you want is a reasonable, ongoing role in your grandchild’s life. 
• When it comes to contact time, be realistic. Don’t forget that the children will now have three households to move between – not just yours and theirs.
• Don’t use a court application as a way of getting back at your son or daughter-in-law.  Don’t use your application as a way to reduce their time with their children and don’t use it as a weapon.  The court will be highly critical of any person who appears to be abusing the process or using the law as a means to hurt the other parties.

Visit the Mature Times website to read the rest of my advice in full.

Artist: Mary Cassatt.

The resulting article, published in yesterday’s paper, offers some interesting points and highlights how the resulting raid on dwindled assets – particularly pensions and the marital home – can lead to a significant impact on the final payout.

For the full article click here – I’ve highlighted the main points below:

• Assets are generally divided 50:50, particularly if it has been a long marriage.
• Equity release is an option if one party wishes to stay in the home although it can often lead to a reduced payout.
• Pensions can be divided at source meaning one party need not rely upon the other to pay their share of the income generated.
• Your married couples’ state pension will revert to the single allowance and if for example the wife hasn’t built up sufficient National Insurance contributions then her payments would be significantly curtailed. However, the wife could apply to have her husband’s National Insurance record.

As I’ve said before, divorce in later life can be worse than a bereavement but to ensure it doesn’t rid you of your retirement dreams take the best advice, as the article says is to increase your own financial awareness so that if it does happen you at least know where you might stand.

Photo credit: maveric2003

Mrs X was 38. She had two children, aged eight and six. When he had learned about her cancer, her husband had left her. He had been unable to face her illness, and for many months had been having an affair. He had told her that she could have whatever she wanted from him and that his affair “wasn’t serious”. He simply couldn’t cope. Her concern was not so much about a divorce, as for the children and what would happen to them. She wanted her mother to care for them following her death. She spoke of accepting her terminal cancer but said that without her husband, it felt difficult and pointless to continue to fight.

She spoke so matter of fact and so calmly that it was difficult to take in what she was saying. I have to wear a “mask” when I am talking to clients, which I rarely let slip. Usually it stops me making irrelevant, moral judgements. It enables me to give the best legal advice I can, which is what I am paid to do. This time in particular, I kept myself under very tight control. I looked over at my trainee often during the interview and hoped she would cope. She kept her head down writing the whole time, not daring to look up.

What advice do you give to someone who is dying? All the usual advice about moving on with confidence, rebuilding your life – it was all useless. Instead I gave her advice that I hoped helped her.

Firstly I told her not to give up, to fight for her life and let me look after the legal side. I informed her about the divorce process and the availability of expedited hearings, which would speed up the proceedings. I explained that her settlement would not be curtailed by her terminal illness. She had earned her share during the marriage and was entitled to it. I emphasised the importance of making a will, and severing the joint tenancy in relation to her home. This means that a jointly owned property will not automatically pass to the other owner. I explained that if she set up a trust fund with her estate, to be held for the benefit of the children, she could appoint independent (of both grandmother and husband) professional trustees to administer it. The trustees would have powers to use some monies for the children, and to invest monies to accrue capital for when the children reached 18 or more. I recommended that she leave a letter of wishes for the trustees about her proposed financial arrangements for the children, and prepare a statement of her wishes in relation to the care of the children.

The most difficult question to tackle was who would care for the children after their parent’s death. Neither Mrs X nor her mother, who clearly loathed the husband, wished him to play any major part in the children’s future. The grandmother told me how she planned to take the children to live with her. However, I had to advise her that their father was likely to be awarded the children’s care. I felt it would be better to try and agree beforehand what would happen as I assumed the children would wish to remain in their home – of which the father already owned half. He could – and no doubt would – expect the children to live with him because of their age. However difficult, they had to pull together in one direction for the benefit of the children, who would need all their relatives when the time came. Grandparents will always play a supportive role- but often their age is against them. Mrs X and her mother reluctantly agreed. There is no perfect answer in a case as tragic as this.

After they left, with the client dressing herself and putting on her wig again, my trainee burst into tears. As for me: I sat on my own in silence for about 15 minutes, before I finally felt able to leave my office.

Rise of the Saga divorce: More over-50s go it alone once children leave home

Their children have grown up. Their mortgage is paid off. And they are looking forward to a long and happy retirement – apart.

This is increasingly the experience of Britain’s over-50s, with the number of divorced couples in that age group rising relentlessly despite the overall divorce rate dropping to its lowest level for nearly three decades.

Last year in England and Wales 54,034 over-50s divorced, compared with 47,763 in 2001.

The latest figures show that there are more than two million divorced people in the 50-plus age bracket.

In a phenomenon known as “Saga divorce”, experts believe couples who have stayed together for the sake of their children reassess their own futures when their offspring have flown the nest.

Rising numbers want a new start and feel the stigma attached to divorce has diminished.

Christine Northam, of Relate, said: “Very often people will have hung on in there because of the kids and once they have grown up they realise there isn’t the closeness between them.

“Because life expectancy is improving all the time, they think why shouldn’t they be happy, they have got 20 or 30 years left.

“It is a very brave leap, it is almost easier to stay put.

“But it is a sign of the times that people’s expectation of relationships are more demanding.

“You are not expected to put up and shut up any more.”

Older couples are also the least likely to go for relationship counselling.

This may be because they are uncomfortable discussing their feelings and the problems there may be in the marriage, and so turn to divorce rather than counselling.

Andrew G. Marshall, a marriage therapist and author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love with You, said: “Older people are less likely to ask for help.

“There has been a cultural revolution in the country of people who will seek counselling, but the cut-off point seems to be around 50.

“People under the age of 50 are more comfortable talking about their feelings, but the the older a person is the more difficult it seems to be. This might be because their problems are more ingrained.”

Marilyn Stowe, of Stowe Family Law, has seen the number of older people seeking her help with divorces rise steadily.

She said: “Sometimes you have one person who will have been looking forward to retirement, while the other might be looking forward to retirement, but without the other person.

“They feel they have done their duty and want to move on.

“It can be tragic for the person who is left behind as they miss companionship, their social life may suffer and it is difficult getting used to being alone.

“It is like a bereavement, but in a way it is worse because your partner is still there.

“Grown-up children will also find it difficult, they tend to be more judgmental and side with one person.

“But people feel that they only have one life and they have got to make the most of it.”

In 2002 there were 1.698million divorced people in England and Wales.

In 2003 the figure rose to 1. 786million and in mid-2005 it stood at 1.97million.

According to the Office for National Statistics there were fewer than 133,000 divorces last year, a 6 per cent fall on 2005 and the lowest number since the mid-1970s.

One reason for the decline is that fewer people are marrying.

Although the number of divorces among over-50s has risen between 2001 and 2006, the rate of increase has fluctuated.

After more than two decades of marriage, Rita Whitfield-Coups joined tens of thousands of women her age in the divorce courts.

Having brought up two children, she began to build a career for herself as an assistant at a management consultancy and wanted more independence.

Her husband, Mark, 67, a computer programmer, had retired and as she sought out new opportunities they gradually grew apart.

After 22 years of marriage they went their separate ways.

“Our generation was the first in which mothers had the opportunity to have a career,” said Mrs Whitfield-Coups, now 61, of Croydon, South London.

“When I started working part-time as the children got older, I found it fulfilling.

“But I realised I had never been my own person. In fact, it was my decision to end the marriage. I resented not being an equal.

“Nowadays, women want to be treated as equal partners in a marriage. I was responsible for the children and the home, and he was the provider.

“My money was to pay for treats and holidays. I am a product of my times in that I wanted my own independent life, and it was my decision to leave.

“I felt I had to stand on my own two feet, and I couldn’t do that in a marriage.

“We grew apart and stopped communicating, even though our marriage had been happy.

She added: “Divorce was much harder than I could ever have imagined.

“You take so much for granted when you are one half of a couple, and suddenly everything falls away – your social life, confidence, financial security.”

Divorce rates are falling – except for people over 60. What is the fallout when Granny and Grandpa split up, asks Celia Dodd

Nowadays, few people raise an eyebrow at the news that another young friend or relative is heading for the divorce courts. But what happens when couples divorce later in life? What makes couples who have rubbed along together for decades mess with the status quo so late in the day? The unpalatable stereotype of the grey-haired man trading in his wife for a younger model undoubtedly still exists, but there is a new desire around for fulfilment in later life, and women in particular have the get-up-and-go as well as the economic freedom to do something about it. Could we be entering the age of the silver divorce?

The latest set of statistics show a continued rise in divorce among the over60s age group; a trend that started in 1998. This is in marked contrast to the 22-year low in annual divorce numbers for the rest of the population. Divorce among the Saga generation may be on the rise because people in their fifties and sixties are looking forward to a longer and healthier retirement than their parents, and feel less inclined to settle for second best.

The emotional fallout when older couples separate has a knock-on effect down the generations: it divides loyalties and even splits families. For the person who has been abandoned, it’s a bitter blow at the cruellest time of life, when all the props that help younger couples to get through have taken a back seat.

“Divorce is almost worse than bereavement“

A leading divorce lawyer Marilyn Stowe, of Stowe Family Law, says: “With older clients divorce is almost worse than a bereavement because your spouse of 30-odd years is still around, enjoying retirement, but not with you. Adult children almost invariably side with the person who has been deserted, and the grandchildren will follow their parents and, as a result, the relationship between grandchild and grandparent can be ruptured.

“I think there is an increased possibility of hostility when the children are grown-up because it’s easy for them to make black-and-white moral judgments. And I think the idea that their inheritance might go to a stranger is at the back of some adult children’s minds.”

Emma Soames, the editor of Saga Magazine, says: “This generation of over 50s buys into a lot of the lifestyle of a younger generation.

There is an element of ‘We’ll have what they’re having’. So as people approach retirement they no longer think of it as the end of their lives but as a time of opportunity and reinvention. And in an age of psychotherapy, people get gripped by a desire to live as they really want to live rather than by someone else’s values. Being a single woman is no longer a big deal and a lot of people would prefer to be fairly happy on their own than miserable in a couple.”

Retirement itself can put an added strain on a marriage, as can the empty nest. Soames adds: “Retirement really does move all the furniture around in a relationship. Many women say they can’t stand the thought of their husband being at home all day.” Added to this, couples over 55 are the least likely to go for relationship counselling, so they are more likely to give up than patch up. The marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall, the author of I Love You But I’m Not In Love with You, says: “There is a stigma among the over 55s about getting help. And older couples can be harder to help because they have much longer-ingrained problems and there is a huge amount of history to get past.”

A practical and an emotional nightmare

At the same time, grandparents are becoming more closely involved with their grandchildren and increasingly play a key role in caring for them, which means that divorce is a practical nightmare as well as an emotional one for the generation stuck in the middle. If there is a new partner on the scene, adult children have to tread a particularly tricky tightrope to avoid offending one or the other parent. Things can be guaranteed to come to a head at family gatherings, sometimes years after the divorce.

When Jackie Warren’s three younger grandchildren were christened last year, her son found himself caught between his parents, who had divorced six years earlier after 36 years of marriage. Warren, 62, recalls: “I couldn’t face going because my son had invited my exhusband’s new partner. My son thought it was reasonable since they had been together for a couple of years, and he also invited my new partner. It tore me apart. But looking back I can see that my son was trying to do the right thing for his father. He was in an impossible position.”

Denise Knowles, of Relate, says: “One of the myths about divorce is that, if the children are older, they cope better. But it’s a double whammy for the middle generation of adult children who have to manage their own loss, grief and anger as well as dealing with their children’s emotions and anxieties about their grandparents splitting up. “Even if the divorce is seen as a positive step after years of unhappiness, the adult children still have to explain the situation to their own children, who may be thinking: If it can happen to Grandma and Grandpa, when is it going to happen to Mum and Dad? So they need huge amounts of reassurance.” Thanks to FiftyAlready.com for their research

Anne Pike divorced this year after 37 years of marriage. Her family share their reactions . . .

ANNE PIKE, 66, MOTHER

“The divorce came as a huge shock; I always imagined Malcolm and I growing old together. There was a phase when I wanted to know everything that was going on in his life, but my older daughter refused to talk to me about him. I was disappointed, but she was right. Sometimes it’s a real temptation to say something nasty, especially about his new partner, but I try to be civilised for my grandchildren’s sakes. It would be stupid for them to lose touch with him.”

RACHEL GEE, 42, DAUGHTER

“Because my mother and stepfather had such a stable relationship, the divorce was a shock. My stepfather has been around for as long as I can remember. My mother married him when I was 4. He’s also very close to my kids. The first thing they said was: ‘Will we still see Granddad?’ I said: ‘Of course, but not with Grandma.’ I don’t feel animosity towards him. I’d be happy to meet his new partner and, if they married, I’d go to the wedding, although I know it would upset my mother.”

SUSAN PIKE, 37, DAUGHTER

“I’ve been surprised by how upset I’ve been by the divorce, because at 37 you think you’re all grown up. It’s been horrible. I find it very upsetting that my dad rejected someone I think so much of. But I’ve also had a childish reaction to the fact that my parents are no longer figures I can take for granted. I’ve had periods of being very angry with my dad. And the idea of meeting his new partner fills me with horror.”

CHLOE GEE, 12, GRANDDAUGHTER

“It kind of worried me that we might not see so much of Granddad because we used to spend a lot of time with both of them. When he came over recently on his own, I felt a bit awkward. But that was only because it was a strange new situation; I wasn’t angry or anything.

“I feel closer to Grandma now. Recently I saw her crying in the kitchen, but I didn’t feel I could do anything to comfort her, so I just left her. That did make me feel sad.”

If your parents divorce…

Give yourself permission to grieve and don’t be surprised if you feel like a small, abandoned child. You have lost the protection, albeit symbolic, of the family home and your parents’ relationship.

Tell your parents how you feel. It might seem cruel, but suppressed anger still comes out, often as snide comments or passive-aggressive body language.

When explaining Granny and Grandpa’s divorce to your kids, stress that they will still be able to see both grandparents.

Don’t take sides and resist becoming a messenger or go-between. The more the whole family becomes enmeshed, the harder problems become to resolve.

Remember that your mother and father are still adults. They may start behaving like teenagers again, but don’t be tempted to act like their parent.

Expect a knock-on effect on your own relationship. Having to accept your parents as sexual beings will make you question your own love life and their unhappiness can shine a spotlight on your relationship’s fault lines.

ANDREW G. MARSHALL, marital therapist