Sometimes, clients who come to see me are in a state of shock. Not everyone appreciates how serious this condition can be. There are different medical types of shock, but psychological shock is a traumatic reaction following a dramatic, unexpected incident such as a family crisis. In my field it can often occur when the client unexpectedly learns of an affair and/or the other spouse’s decision to end the marriage.

It is important never to underestimate the impact of shock on a client. Shock affects a client’s state of mind and can take weeks, months or even longer to overcome. Some of those who find it difficult to return to normal can even develop the more serious (but treatable) condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

When I see clients who appear to be suffering from shock, I politely and gently suggest that they return to see me when they are able to give me the information that I need to advise them appropriately – and also when they are able to make an informed decision about their future. It is clear even to me, a lay person, when a client is in deep shock and unable to take in a single word that I am saying. If a client persists, then of course I will give my advice – and I will follow it up in writing, as I do with all clients. At least the client will have something to read when they feel better able to take it in.

How does psychological shock manifest itself?

The symptoms vary but at first there may be numbness, a feeling of being dazed and an inability to absorb the information which has led to the shock. The mind will keep replaying the information, totally denying it, refusing to believe it can be true. Nothing else that is happening will matter: the surrounding circumstances, the people, what is playing on the radio… They will all blur into the background.

I had never experienced “shock” at first-hand until very recently. Put simply, it was awful. Continue reading »

Divorce is not an event that can be recovered from in minutes, weeks or months. I was thinking about this as I travelled 200 miles back to the north of England after my appearance on GMTV earlier this week.

The near blizzard conditions made it a lengthy and eventful journey. Fortunately my trusty driver, Garry Houseman of CSC Executive (who I can’t recommend highly enough), got me home safely. We listened to the car radio and heard the horror stories of hundreds of people stuck in their cars overnight or even abandoning them. One woman had decided to move house and spent the night in the car with her belongings and her pets, rather than delay the removal by just one day.

A travel expert came on the radio, lamenting the society that we have become. We expect to be able to travel where, when and how we want, whenever we want. If the snow stops us, we simply can’t cope. We undertake crazy journeys in order to live our lives exactly as we are used to doing.

That, by the way, includes me! I didn’t think twice about the journey back home because I wanted to get back to work.

It made me think about the e-mails that had been sent to GMTV for me to read. Viewers of the programme were invited to write in with their problems on the theme of Life After Divorce, so that we could advise some of them live on air.

Some of the correspondents were bogged down and had written to GMTV as a last resort, out of desperation. Loneliness and hopelessness were common themes. One lady wrote that because she is very lonely, she now wonders if she made the right decision when she divorced. Another wrote bitterly of the havoc that her former husband and his new wife have wrought upon the children’s lives. She is determined to make sure they never see the children; the courts, however, do not agree with her. Other correspondents were stuck in the past, unable to come to terms with fresh starts and new beginnings.

Unfortunately, when I read the e-mails I realised immediately that a number of the issues raised could not very well be addressed in a five minute sofa slot.

So I will try now. Continue reading »

New Year’s Eve and another year, indeed a decade, is almost over.

How has this year been for you? If it has been anything like mine, it has been a rollercoaster. It has passed by very quickly and, looking back, there have been some real highs. There was the faster than expected development of our Cheshire office, our acquisition of a London office set to open next year, and five of our cases included in the Law Reports. I also appeared on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, debating against Baroness Deech on possible changes to the law on cohabitation.

 There have also been some lows: my surgery and a long slow recovery from its complications, getting used to major lifestyle changes and a dash to Israel to deal with a family emergency. I’m no different to anyone else: we all have our ups and downs, our highs and lows.

I have chosen to share many of those very personal up and down moments with my readers, because this blog isn’t just about family law and how it works in practice. It is also about connecting with other people, sharing feelings and emotions, and going through good times and bad together. Continue reading »

A survey of children’s experiences of divorce was published today. The Children Act 1989, which transformed the face of family law for children, is 20 years old today. So how have children’s experiences changed – and how can we make it easier for children to cope with divorce?

 The Children Act emphasised the responsibilities of parents and adults. It created the concept of parental responsibility and set out in law the child welfare checklist for public and private law proceedings. It moved the focus from the parent’s rights to the rights of the child. Even the language was designed to empower children: 

• A parent does not have custody of a child. Instead, the child resides with a parent.
• A parent does not have access to a child. Instead, the child has contact with an adult.

Most importantly of all the Children Act recognised that within families, even when there are two households, it is better that there is an agreement rather than an order where possible.  In short: if it doesn’t need an order, don’t make one.  If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Unfortunately without an order there can be no enforcement. Frequently this means that one parent dictates contact arrangements to the other or simply disregards agreements when it suits them to do so.

The Children Act promoted mediation through CAFCASS, agreement over orders imposed and most of all looked at what the child wanted and needed.  Wishes and Feelings Reports came into the consciousness of the court and solicitors.  People asked children how they felt and told the court – and the court listened. 

That was 20 years ago; where are we now? Continue reading »

This is the third post in a new series about coping with divorce.

I have previously described how important it is to keep your mind healthy when you are getting divorced, but what about your physical health? The Mental Health Foundation stresses the benefits of exercise for mild to moderate depression.Your body is your temple, so get into shape. Exercise, exercise, exercise!

Depression can be a vicious circle. You feel terrible. Your worry shows in your face. You can’t be bothered with yourself and days drag on endlessly. Alcohol is very tempting because it takes away the pain for a few minutes. Before long, however, the pain is back and worse than ever. You can’t be bothered to exercise. You are overweight and you haven’t got the energy. It is much easier to stay at home and reach for comfort foods. Or the bottle.

My advice? You need to have a good look in the mirror and make that leap of faith, if you are to overcome those black feelings.

What do you like doing? Salsa dancing? Going to the gym? Cycling? Running? Swimming? Do anything that will get your heart rate pumping. You will feel better immediately.

I do not recommend solitary exercise. It is all too easy to make an excuse and not bother. Continue reading »

How do I help clients to cope with divorce? Although my remit is legal, I consider my clients’ wellbeing to be extremely important. There are depressing studies which show correlations between divorce and serious illness. An optimistic outlook, meanwhile, has been linked to health benefits including a reduced risk of diabetes and heart disease. One recent study found a positive correlation between happiness and the fast healing of surface wounds; I believe that this principle holds fast for emotional wounds as well as physical ones.

The vast majority of clients going through divorce will never become seriously ill as a result. However I think it is fair to say that I do look for trauma in clients and do my best to ease it.

If you are getting divorced and you are finding it difficult to cope, here are some tips and pointers that may help you. This is the first part of a new series on coping with divorce. Continue reading »

Do you ever have days when you are so low, you feel like you have hit the floor? Divorce is one of life’s most stressful experiences, ranked alongside bereavement and debt. As a family lawyer I have noticed that the clients who find it easiest to move on are those who are able to concentrate on the future, rather than the past.

Like every other human being, I have my bad days too. I have had some major life changes this year and some of these have been tough to accept. I try not to wallow in negative thoughts, and it helps that my work keeps me busy. Occasionally I come across something in a case that doesn’t seem right – an unjust decision, perhaps, which needs to be corrected – and the fight is on.

Whenever I need to gain a little extra strength, to reassure myself that what I am doing is right, and that I am right to care so much about a given client, case or situation, I find inspiration and courage in a tiny, peaceful churchyard in Oxfordshire. Continue reading »

One element in the sky never fails to fill me with wonder at its mystery and its sheer beauty. It is the rainbow. At the same time, it never fails to fill me with hope. It doesn’t matter how bad things get, how low you sink in your thoughts or how depressed and inconsolable you feel: when you see a rainbow, your spirits are instantly lifted. A rainbow, of course, is also intangible. Just when you think you are catching up with it, it moves elsewhere and remains out of reach.

I was driving on the M62 motorway recently, from our family law office in Cheshire to our base in Harrogate. Even at the best of times this isn’t a drive I enjoy, because the surroundings are bleak and there are always lots of lorries on the road, travelling between the ports of Liverpool and Hull. Accidents are frequent, as are endless traffic jams and road closures. The back road route can add another two hours to the journey.

However, this drive was different. I was on a particularly cold and unwelcoming part of the motorway, crossing the Pennines at their highest point, when I saw not one, but two rainbows soaring above the road ahead. One arced above the other. It was an awe-inspiring scene. They stood out against the grey sky on this partly cloudy, partly rainy and partly sunny day, and seemed to beckon me on. They were so mesmerising, I didn’t want the drive to end. The rainbows turned an average day into an unforgettable one.

They made me think of Salisbury Cathedral from the Meadows (above), painted by John Constable in 1831 when he was in deep mourning for his beloved wife Maria.   Continue reading »

I have witnessed – and come to respect – the power of emotion on both sides of a divorce.

Sometimes I’m asked if I like being a family lawyer. It’s not a hard question to answer. I like people, I like helping people and I like observing human nature. I think it helps me in my own efforts to improve myself as a person.

I encounter situations that arise out of human fallibility, and I try hard to help others avoid going down the same tough roads.

People may look different from one another, and speak different languages, but in my experience we are created to think and feel along the same lines.

Within their individual boundaries, people share an understanding and appreciation of good and bad, moral and immoral.  With our thoughts, desires and actions, none of us are perfect human beings. None of us can claim to be anything other than fallible, even though we may sometimes think we know all the arguments and the answers. We are created imperfect, Adams and Eves all of us.

It is this very fallibility, and the realisation that dawns when people don’t have answers to questions they don’t understand, which gives rise to the problems presented to me. The causes of the problems are often the same, brought about as they are by failed relationships. The client, unable to control emotions and perceived needs, becomes lost in a terrifying, chaotic situation.

  Continue reading »