Being a personable, studious chap, finding interim employment didn’t take him too long, but Ben has discovered what every erstwhile student finds out in their first job – life irrevocably changes. The order and pattern of his old world has been turned upside down. The earth-shattering intensity with which he approached his studies is currently no longer necessary or even required in his job. There is no immediately discernible goal to aim for and he is no longer his own man. At work, he is a menial cog in a big machine with long experienced players and, as he ruefully admits, his brain is not particularly in demand. For a highly focused and intelligent individual who has always pursued a certain goal, it’s been quite a shock to his system. There simply isn’t a defined goal in or out of work.

Some people wouldn’t mind but Ben and his equally conscientious friends are finding that a lack of a defined goal, the uncertainty of the future which comes alongside and the removal of the security of an academic environment can be very difficult to handle. They are eager, too eager perhaps to find out what lies in store for them. They are learning that it isn’t up to them anymore and that they can no longer dictate the pace, leaving them feeling their lives are somewhat out of control. It is clearly frustrating for them all.

I am sure it doesn’t feel like that to them, but what a good lesson in life Ben and his friends are learning!

All the rest of us, who have had jobs for years, are used to climbing unquestioning onto our working treadmill. We know it moves at different paces during the working week; we don’t control the speed and no longer question why not. We have long-since become used to the steep inclines, the immediate dips afterwards, the highs and lows that come with patches of boredom, all of which constitute an average working week. For most of us, the security of academia with its pre-set targets, a steady but achievable incline and a defined goal at the end is a dim and distant memory.

So what follows is my welcome speech to the real world, dedicated to Ben and his friends! The world where ‘order’ ‘security’ and ‘certainty’ is all in the past. Or is it?

Firstly, welcome to a world of work where, on the face of it, nothing at all is safe or even certain any more. Welcome to a world of work where no-one is guaranteed a pay cheque at the end of a month because no-one of us knows with absolute certainty that we will have a job at the end of the month. The likelihood of course is that we will, but some will find that, come the end of the month, that security can vanish despite there still being a mortgage to pay and a family to feed.

Welcome to a world of work where there is no certainty in the work you will ever do. For example, the day may start off well, but it may not end that way. There will be ups and downs, highs and lows. There will be traumatic days which seem to mirror earthquakes, days that go off the scale and conversely, there will be days so triumphant, you wish they would never end. But just like after watching the movie ‘Jaws’ you will soon learn never to overlook a ripple in the water that might signify a lurking menace. You will also learn that the ripple might just as easily calm as quickly as it began and resort back to a tranquil sea.

Overall, working life is tough and it is an undeniable fact that the more passionate you are about your work and the higher you try to fly, the more challenges you will meet and the harder it will become. That treadmill can get much steeper without warning, the pace will get faster and the potentially perilous tumble downhill can be harder to avoid as you relentlessly keep climbing upwards through your working life.

Secondly, real life mirrors the world of work in high definition! Real life cannot be controlled either; it never goes how you think it will. You may expect one outcome one day and then hey – you get another. Where did that come from? How did that happen? It wasn’t meant to happen like that. But it did. So being at work and feeling out of control in your job is actually a good grounding for dealing with situations in the outside world too. Out in that big wide world you may feel you have no control either, but we all feel like that from time to time. Most things you will be able to exercise a degree of control over, but sometimes, when you least expect it, life throw a curve-ball; life hits you out of the left field.

I am sorry to say that many of those curve-balls will be thrown by other people aiming  at you. Not everyone has a strong character, not everyone has it in them to do the right thing, and not everyone will treat you with unconditional kindness that your family does. Still, remember to hold your head high. Earn the respect of those around you. There is no need ever to fear challenges from anyone and doing what is right will help you rise above them all. You will find those challenges will simply melt away, but keep your focus as new challenges will swiftly follow!

It is only natural at certain times to crave some security, some order and certainty; to step off that treadmill, if only for a short while. I know I certainly do. When I need that comfort, I find there is nothing better than looking at the world around me.

This week across the world, people will be symbolically lighting up their lives and lives of their loved ones with candles and festivals at the very point when our winter days are as short and dark as they get. Our family will celebrate ‘Chanukah’ with the lighting of a candle every night for 8 nights. We will give presents and eat doughnuts. Well, some of us will eat doughnuts. You know me, Ben: they are far too fattening!

From here on in, days will start to get longer and the sun stronger. The weather will get warmer and we can look forward to spring and summer and yes, even autumn and winter again. Each year, every year, we are blessed with an unchanging beauty in this supreme order of things, far beyond our understanding. Like a constant circle, it is planned and certain.

At the weekend, I went for a drive through a stunning wintery scene in my beloved Yorkshire Dales. Through Ilkley and Bolton Abbey I drove along the undulating roads of the countryside and then up to Threshfield high in the Dales. The roads were deserted. As I kept going upwards, I watched the fields and hills change colour until I was so high up, the hills were snow-capped. I watched the sky change colour too, there was a painter’s palette of colours in the clouds, especially as the sun started to set and I marvelled at the magnificence and the certainty of it all. Every day that same scene is there. It repeats itself, although the colours are never the same. Every shade of the rainbow was reflected in the hills fields and sky.

Eventually I discovered why there were so few cars on the road. In Grassington there was a Dickensian Festival with shopkeepers dressed up in Victorian costume. Cars and coaches packed the surrounding car parks and the streets thronged with shoppers relishing the feel of days gone by. People were out in force in that little Dales town, laughing and shopping. I saw entire families together, young and old, enjoying themselves.

What a wonderful drive home! It took all afternoon and until early evening by which time it was dark. Nearing my house the stars and a new moon were coming out and twinkling in the clear sky, lighting my way home as they light up for each one of us, guiding us all.

So Ben, you and your friends should simply accept life is not within your control or gift. Instead just embrace your own uncertain journey and enjoy it. Expect the undulating roads and learn to see the highs and lows for what they are, look out for when they occur and take them in your stride as you would any journey in the car. Be as best prepared for the unexpected as you can be, and don’t let yourself be thrown by a curve-ball out of the left field. But equally, never be afraid to take comfort from the order, certainty and security of our beautiful world and the treasures which envelop us all.

Albert Einstein once wrote, “Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” I am certain nature is designed for you to do so, from the hills of the Yorkshire Dales to the red desert mountains and the coral seas of Eilat.

Much love to you Ben,

‘Chanukah Sameach’

Mum

X

Image credit: Grassington Dickensian Festival

“My client intends to ignore Christmas this year. He is convinced that if men had their way, it wouldn’t exist at all. He asks, “Why do we have Father Christmas? It should be Mother Christmas”.

“Is he right? Is Christmas “a woman thing” and if so, why haven’t all we clever women spotted that we are being “had” before now?”

Here is my answer: we know full well that we are being “had”!

Yes, Christmas is very hard work – and tensions within a relationship can be exacerbated by the pressures of Christmas. At the same time, however, we love spending time with our children, friends and families, giving and receiving all those beautifully wrapped presents. Perhaps we just adore the excitement of buying (and eating) fabulous food and drinking glorious wine. For example: how many different boxes of chocolates have you spotted in store right now? And bought?! Not to mention those luxury puddings and cakes and mince pies!

Perhaps we just love all those special Christmas treats, and above all – whatever our personal circumstances, even if just for a while – we women make the most of Christmas. Not for us visions of clearing frozen paths and roads. Instead we go gaga over the pretty sight of snowflakes and snowmen!

My male lawyer client is absolutely right. Despite all the stresses and strains, for the short time it is with us, Christmas is the ultimate treat for women. All over the country, fairy lights twinkle in the dark and we watch Love, Actually and its ilk over and over again on DVD, and only we women have the faintest notion why we do it. Why? Because at this time of year we have the opportunity to indulge, luxuriate and to let go of normality for just a little while. Happy Christmas!

Image credit: sidewalk flying.

“Better do all my jobs today if the weather is going to get even worse”, my husband sighed. And I started to laugh.

My husband wasn’t thinking about Winter Wonderland. He was thinking about practical matters, like how to get to the supermarket on icy roads, so that we don’t starve watching TV this weekend.

And he’s definitely not alone.

One of my clients, a well known company lawyer, has his own theory about Christmas. He believes it is two unnecessary weeks off work, spent living “out of synch” with normality. He believes that Christmas is a “woman thing”

Last year I wrote at length about how the tensions created at Christmas can lead to divorce, after our family law firm experienced a surge in enquiries from overworked women in the weeks leading up to the festivities:

“They described the tidying that had to be fitted around entertaining, the exhaustion and the never-ending rounds of relations and friends for at least a week afterwards. More than one said that she had do all this work herself – and dreaded it. None of them would put themselves through it at all if their children were older.

“Listening to these tales of drudgery I wonder, have women really attained equality?  I doubt it. It seems to me that for women, Christmas continues to be an exhausting, miserable slog for women who take on the chores year in, year out because they feel that they must. It appears to be a matter of tradition, rather than choice.

“I can’t help concluding that it isn’t Christmas that causes a divorce. It’s the thought of it.”  (Christmas and Divorce: What Women Want)

However my male client has a different take on this situation. He argues that if there is pressure placed on a marriage as a result of Christmas, he says, it is because women do it to themselves!

He thinks that women drive themselves and others – particularly men – bonkers with the festive preparations. Like my female clients last year, he points to the shopping, the presents, the cooking, the festive days themselves, the families, the children and all the clearing up afterwards. He also points out that all the advertising, marketing and tugging upon heart strings is aimed squarely at women. He sees men as reluctant and resigned, taking the easy way out. Yes, they do their bit, but usually at the last minute and because they have to.

My client intends to ignore Christmas this year. He is convinced that if men had their way, it wouldn’t exist at all. He asks, “Why do we have Father Christmas? It should be Mother Christmas”.

Is he right? Is Christmas “a woman thing” and if so, why haven’t all we clever women spotted that we are being “had” before now? I have my own thoughts about this, but would be interested to know what you think…

Image credit: Lin Pernille Photography.

Last week I had finished writing my post about John Ruskin, had exercised flat out on my Wattbike and was looking forward to a calorie-filled Sunday lunch with my sister Suzy and our husbands. We were going to try out a restaurant in Harrogate and then do some Xmas shopping.

Then the telephone rang – and everything changed.

My sister was crying on the phone. Our mum had fallen and was in hospital. Dad had called Suzy in a dreadful state and asked her for help. My parents rely very much on her because she is a wonderful nurse with them.

The accident had happened in Netanya, Israel, where my parents spend part of the year. Mum had been admitted to hospital and my sister needed to travel out as quickly as possible. We were told that it wasn’t serious: my mum was in shock, but ok.

Unlike Suzy, I know I’m not a good nurse – but I do have my uses. Within 20 minutes I had my sister and her London-based daughter, Abby, booked on the next flight out from Heathrow and a car had arrived to take Suzy straight to London’s Heathrow Airport. With Suzy on her way, I spent most of the day on the phone to my dad, trying to keep him calm. He sounded increasingly desperate as he described my mum’s condition. Very worried about them both, I telephoned some of their friends and asked them to see if they could help until my sister arrived. When the friends called back, they made some comments about my mum’s condition that worried me more. My sister arrived, phoned from the hospital and said that although my mum was suffering from superficial head injuries, her condition was stable and there was no need for my brother or me to travel out.

The next day the world changed again. Suzy asked me to get there as fast as I could.

I found myself at Luton Airport, on the next flight out of the UK to Tel Aviv. Two thousand miles from my mum and panicking, I spent £50 on sweets, chocolates, energy bars moisturized tissues and magazines that somehow I thought we all might need in the hospital.

I arrived in Israel a few hours after my brother, who had taken a night flight from London. I checked into a local hotel and a waiting taxi took me to the hospital, where I raced up a few flights of stairs to my mum’s ward. I flew past people on trolleys in the aisles and people lying in beds until I came to the end of the ward and saw a side ward with four women in it. One of them was my mum. I couldn’t easily recognise her from her facial injuries. I went straight up to her and kissed her. She managed a weak smile and whispered, “I’ve been waiting for you”. All those years of hiding my feelings from clients came in very useful at that point. I was terribly shocked when I saw her and couldn’t show it. The feelings are difficult to describe.

The main challenge was stabilising her through the trauma she had sustained. She had fallen flat onto her face. She isn’t strong or well, and her blood pressure was dangerously high. There were two drips over her bed. My exhausted father was sent back to their apartment to get some sleep along with my brother. Suzy, Abby and I sat on some white plastic chairs we found to monitor my mum through the night at her bedside.

At around 2 am I found myself looking around the darkened ward, thinking how surreal it was. What was I doing in a Middle Eastern hospital where few people spoke English? Nothing made sense. When had I last eaten? I couldn’t remember. Why wasn’t I asleep at home? Why was my mum lying in that tiny bed so ill?  The woman in the next bed suddenly sat up and cried out. Her appendix had been removed and she was six months pregnant. She was in terrible pain and clearly thought she was miscarrying. I ran and got the nurse and a doctor, but there was no treatment they could give her. They told her to try and get some rest, but I managed to understand from her that she was too frightened to go to sleep. So during that night I found myself nursing a complete stranger. My Luton tissues came in handy to mop her brow; I fetched her some water from a vending machine,which she sipped through the night. She held my hand at one point, as I was trying to get her to sleep and at the same time there was Mum in the next bed, who also had to be nursed. At one point the woman asked me in her broken English if I was a nurse, and I said no. It was one of the kindest things that anyone has ever said to me.

As for my mum: a wise person once said that there is no point worrying about what might happen in the future. Just love those around you as much as you can. That’s what I told myself and kept telling myself during that night as Suzy and I watched over our mum.

Che sera, sera. What will be, will be.

My mum made it and we are all now home in England. What’s more, when she was first discharged, “as weak as a kitten” in her words, she still managed (with help) to light the Shabbat candles in their apartment. Together we celebrated the first night of Chanukah with the lighting of more candles. She sat at the table to eat for a while, and again it was all surreal. It seemed we had gone back in time forty years, and that we sitting around the table as children again. My traumatised parents – my barely recognisable mum and my stressed out dad – beamed at us, and told us how much they loved us.

Many of us, like me, have families and friends, parents, spouses, children, brothers, sisters and grandparents, that we take for granted. We don’t tell them often enough, perhaps never, how much we love them.

At this time of the year, all of us, with or without faith are meant to celebrate a season of goodwill to all mankind. Families will spend time together with families. Friends will be with friends. Not everyone will be able to tell their loved ones how much they are truly loved. Many more will be desperately missing their loved ones: spouses or partners, parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren. They will be missing them and aching for an opportunity to tell them how much they are loved. Please think of them, too; there is nothing to lose by reaching out. Che sera, sera. What will be, will be. So what is stopping you?

Seasons Greetings, and much love to everyone.

Image credit: Mary Cassatt.

Who was she? Fans of ITV’s Coronation Street knew her as the acerbic, brilliantly witty mother of Deidre Barlow -and mother-in-law of long suffering Ken who drew most of her witheringly accurate wit. Ken is the likeable intellectual snob who met his match in his mother-in-law. He was able to cope with her, because he wasn’t resentful of her. He accepted her as a fixture in his life and even when he could have run away with the highly improbable Martha the actress, who lived on a barge, he chose to stay with his wife – and his shocking mother-in-law.

I will miss Blanche! I found a list of some of her most famous “put downs”. Probably one of her best performances was aired only a few weeks ago. She was entertaining George, the newly discovered maternal grandfather of Peter Barlow’s step son (it makes sense if you follow the story line!) – and with the encouragement of a little too much alcohol, she had something terrible to say about every single member of her family, who were trying desperately to make a good impression on George. In their typically English way, the whole family just took it, said nothing and sat squirming with embarrassment. No-one escaped the attentions of Blanche. It was the funniest TV and a brilliant performance by Maggie Jones, even though she clearly didn’t look well.

But on a wider note, as we are approaching the festive season, I thought I would add a word of caution, because in real life these types of relatives can be far from funny and too much plain speaking can have a devastating impact on a marriage.

Sometimes I think problems can be caused because a son marries a wife a little too much like his own mother – not necessarily in looks, but character. My late mother-in-law, for example, was a strong character and, believe it or not, once or twice this has also been said about me…!

When we were first married, my mother-in-law had been widowed for many years and was a very large part of my husband’s life. Both of us had to learn to adjust, but because he took the lead, we were ultimately able to establish sensible “boundaries” when she had her son to herself and I had my husband.

I have recently been instructed in a cluster of cases where sadly the adjustment never happened and coming up to Christmas this strikes me as particularly poignant.

There had been no attempt to alter the family dynamics with any kind of give and take: instead there has been all out war. When it came to choosing between family and spouse, the families won out, particularly so where the son had not been able to balance a healthy relationship between his very strong mother and equally strong wife. Battle followed upon battle. Every issue was turned into a hostile point scoring drama. Listening to what happened in these cases, it was all about endlessly seeking to win a particular battle but losing sight of the likely outcome of the war. Ultimately therefore, it was a hollow victory. A broken marriage isn’t a victory for anyone.

In one case, the groom’s mother cried the entire way through the marriage ceremony. This was followed by the mother insisting she be seated with her son at another family wedding, leaving my client seated at an entirely different table on her own! Her husband meekly went along with what his mother wished. He left his wife isolated, because he was only too well aware of his family’s disapproval of his wife. He was too weak to support his wife and he eventually left her.

Why did he marry at all? Do some people know in their heart of hearts their proposed spouse is the wrong one for them? But then arguments make things worse and they can’t get out of it? On the other hand, would you as a spouse get married if you knew you would end up always playing second fiddle to his or her family?

I believe these issues need sorting out before marriage, not afterwards. Counseling couples about what they are letting themselves in for, raising doubts and trying to resolve them at the start, all make a lot of sense.

Interference by families really can break a marriage – it’s a serious danger and should never be treated as lightly as a TV soap.

So, at least for Christmas, to all those “Blanches” out there, please repeat my little Mantra -

1. Don’t drink too much!

2. Don’t think your comments will EVER be treated as offhandedly as you deliver them.

3. Leave the “Blanchisms” to witty script writers.

4. And finally: Even if you hate every present you receive, you hate the food, and you hate your in-laws, PLEASE don’t say so!

Image courtesy of Coronation Street

So do I think New Year will bring an immediate divorce for couples whose relationship is going through a bad patch?

I don’t think so.

I agree that family tensions are ratcheted up during the Christmas period, because few families (especially wives) welcome all the extra work involved in preparing to entertain the family and the in laws for a day or more. The washing up afterwards is enough to cope with, let alone the food preparation beforehand and the thought of credit card bills still to come. But please remember, divorce, is not something that people enter into lightly and because of one bad day, they decide enough is enough. My clients do not suddenly decide to split from their partners because they have had a row about their relatives’ behaviour the day before. Instead, a decision to divorce tends to come over a period of time. Maybe though, Xmas can bring home the need to do something about a boring or unhappy marriage – a longing to be with someone else, an inability to face the prospect of years to come wedged fast in the same dull routine with the same person.

Recently a client consulted me about her divorce. She readily acknowledged they had been in a rut. She was comfortable in it, but he was definitely not and had found someone else. She felt deeply sorry she had  taken him and his pay packet for granted and not done more to try and understand his needs rather than blame him for sulking and having moods. Objectively people would probably sympathise more with her than her husband who had left her, but I think she was probably right. There is no such thing as a ‘totally’ bad spouse and a ‘totally’ good spouse.

Whilst married life can be pleasant to some, to others it is daily boredom and frustration and it is exacerbated by the increased pressures of Xmas, and the need to put on an act that all is well.  Perhaps to such couples under pressure, a mutual recognition of the other’s needs, and a decision to face the New Year with a mutual understanding of the other’s needs, is needed.

PS I think Xmas and New Year is a wonderful time of the year. It’s cold outside to go running, and then toasty warm inside the house. I love to watch “Love Actually” over and over on the DVD, eat hot mince pies and drink a glass (or two) of wine;- all while flopping on the settee in a pair of comfy pyjamas;- my idea of sheer bliss!

Merry Xmas and a very happy, healthy and peaceful New Year.