The subject matter came to mind a week ago when I was doing a spinning class in the local gym -I couldn’t help noticing that there are a lot of ‘glammed up’ men and women who never end the class looking as bad as me! It set my imagination going, and gave me something to concentrate on through a long spinning session and this post is the result. So far over 700 US readers have left comments on HuffPost Divorce and it is now tagged as one of its Most Popular posts. It has also been reprinted in various languages across the world. I’m really thrilled that my thoughts have transferred with such overwhelming approval to an American and worldwide audience.I hope you enjoy it too. I do like being called “Attorney Stowe”!

HuffPost Divorce was inspired by HuffPost’s thrice-married editor-at-large Nora Ephron, best known as the screenwriter of romantic comedies including When Harry Met Sally… and Sleepless in Seattle.  It was Nora who came up with the section’s tagline: “Marriage comes and goes but divorce is forever…” Since its launch, HuffPost Divorce has gained a community of loyal readers and, if you are currently going through separation or divorce, I recommend that you take a look.

To read the Top 10 Stereotypical Marriage Wreckers, click the image below.

Grant Thornton doesn’t publish the number of UK firms which take part, nor their locations, but has canvassed the opinions of 101 family lawyers based on their client work in 2010. This year, for the first time, I chose not to take part. I’ll admit that I was more interested to find out if our family law colleagues’ experiences concurred with the conclusions of Stowe Family Law’s recent in-house survey.

As the UK’s largest specialist family law practice, our firm acts for clients not just in London but around the country, providing its own snapshot of the “divorce arena”. Over the past 18 months, in the wake of the recession, we have noticed some striking new trends. As it turns out, they are spot on with the Matrimonial Survey findings.

Lawyers who participated in the survey were asked for the average value of total family assets distributed between divorcing parties. The results indicate that the number of high net worth divorce cases, involving couples with assets of between £4 million and £10 million, has dropped sharply. I imagine that many such couples have seen their asset values reduce dramatically, and that many were badly hit in the recession. When the going got tough… We have found that at present, wives in this wealthy bracket are more inclined to “sit it out”. As one said to me: “How can I manage on only £3 million instead of £10 million?” She could be in for a long wait.

At the same time, couples in other asset brackets continue to divorce in numbers.  Of the family lawyers surveyed, 70 per cent put divorcing couples’ average family assets at between £250,000 and £2 million – exactly the same figure as last year. Perhaps this isn’t so surprising: the “squeezed middle classes” so beloved of certain newspapers really do exist. Economic circumstances have hit this group hard and if something has to give, it will often be the marriage.

For me, the most interesting results of all are the most common reasons given for marital breakdown. The extra-marital affair has topped the list every year since 2003. This year, however, just 25 per cent of respondents cited the extra-marital affair: the lowest level since the survey commenced. It has also been supplanted in the rankings, with 27 per cent of family lawyers opting for “growing apart / falling out of love”. This is quite a jump: in 2009, “growing apart / falling out of love” was selected by just six per cent of respondents.

These findings suggest that in the current climate, the extra-marital affair is a luxury too far – and I would agree. There is too much to do in rebuilding our shattered economy for wasting time elsewhere. Instead couples who are working hard to hold their heads above water, who grow apart are simply acknowledging their circumstances, rather than trying to play a blame game. Ask them if there is a chance of saving the marriage, and the answer comes back no. The decision has been made over a lengthy period, my clients tell me, and it is irreversible.

Over the past 18 months I have heard client after client comment either that their partner was playing no part in the commercial struggle, or had little comprehension of what it was like to go to sleep at night with the bank to face next day, or complain that their partner was too wrapped up in work and had neglected the family. These are couples who, exhausted by endeavours and feeling isolated and unsupported by one another, accept they are traveling in different directions and decide to part.

As for next year’s Matrimonial Survey results: much is likely to turn upon economic events, and for this reason I am reluctant to make any predictions, but I wonder if current trends will persist.  Will there be any relief for the squeezed middle classes? Will those high-net-worth wives tire of the waiting game? Time will tell.

HuffPost Divorce was inspired by HuffPost’s thrice-married editor-at-large Nora Ephron, best known as the screenwriter of romantic comedies including When Harry Met Sally… and Sleepless in Seattle.  It was Nora who came up with the section’s tagline: “Marriage comes and goes but divorce is forever…” Since its launch, HuffPost Divorce has gained a community of loyal readers and, if you are currently going through separation or divorce, I recommend that you take a look.

To read the Top 10 Low-Down Dirtiest Divorce Tricks, click the image below.

Lord Justice Munby, the chairman of the Law Commission, who also sits as a judge in the Court Of Appeal (and was one of the judges in Imerman), made a very wise observation last week.

As the Law Commission prepared to publish its report and provisional recommendations in relation to prenuptial agreements, he told the FT:

Emotions are engaged in a way in which one suspects emotions are not engaged in litigation carried out through Queen’s Bench division or Chancery court.

I couldn’t agree more.

As a solicitor practising at grassroots level, I get to know a client for better (or worse) during the course of his or her case. Indeed, it could be argued that as a solicitor I get to know a client much better than his or her barrister, who may get to meet the client on a few occasions only. Even then the client is buffered by the solicitor for the most part.

In fact, few barristers and even fewer judges will ever see a client in all the differing emotional states that we solicitors do.

A typical case: from denial to acceptance

The example to which I am about to refer describes a female client, but applies to male clients in equal measure. Both are the “innocent parties”, having been left for another person.

Typically I will first see the client, who has been deserted by her husband for another partner, when she is deep in shock. She will be seeing me because her friends or family members think it is the right thing for her to do, in the circumstances. They are probably right, but usually the client isn’t receptive to any of it. The last person she wishes to see is a divorce lawyer, who is there to help her get out of a marriage that she desperately wants to save. This can be the case even when it is clear that the client’s husband, with the advantage of months or even years of planning, has other ideas.

In all likelihood, she is still stubbornly in denial when I see her for the second time. Perhaps she has tried to come to terms with the loss of her spouse, her home and the distress of her children, but it is all too much to bear.

It isn’t happening.

He may still come home.

He just needs time.

Months later, when she begins to move forwards, she will become angry. He has rejected her. The utter coward gave her false hope. How dare he ruin her life and the children’s lives too?

How dare he?

The next time I see her, she is enraged.  Often this is the time when the financial disclosures are being made and she believes that her husband is being less than truthful. Everyone will be getting the flak. It’s everybody else’s fault and above all, it’s his, or his lawyer’s, or his family’s. They are all conspiring against her. She may even be right.

Then, as the truth that he is never coming back home begins to dawn, she will be prepared to bargain, as a last resort to stop the divorce happening. But it takes two to tango, and he’s too far ahead of the game to even consider it. Nothing works. He wants to take full advantage of her weak state of mind to try and get her to settle for too little.

And she finds it incredibly tough.

Time passes. She finally realises that the past is in the past and he isn’t coming back. She accepts that she must come to terms with her family circumstances. She finds herself ready to face the future and her new life without him.

And she does.

However it takes time and courage to get to this stage. It doesn’t always happen quickly, and the court case may be over before she’s even ready for it. I reckon that on average, it can take at least a year for a distraught client to realise she has no choice and to reach this acceptance stage.

For a solicitor, it can be challenging to manage a client who is trying to cope with such an array of emotions. The client can’t help it. Everything she feels is real. Her ups and downs; her highs and lows.  Her pain and devastation may even cause her to react in ways she wouldn’t dream of doing if life was great.

But life in divorce isn’t great. It is far from it.

It can be horrible and lonely. The client can’t help how she feels and she must deal with the pain of divorce at her own pace. And deal with it most of our clients do, physically and mentally.

By the time she reaches the acceptance stage, the typical client will have her urges to text “him” under control. She may have steadied see-sawing weight or had a new hairdo. She will have retrieved her dignity and self-confidence.  Finally the client finds closure, all by herself.

It is a cathartic process, one which all those who have experienced divorce or bereavement will recognise as normal and will have experienced to some degree.

It is of course made much more difficult if the wife is also physically ill. For example, what if she is a cancer sufferer, whose husband has turned to another for comfort? This isn’t as infrequent as you might think. She is fighting two battles, one of them for her life.

I wonder, would binding prenuptial agreements help or hinder this emotional recovery process?

If I were a wealthy man with a newer, more inviting model in the wings, I would – naturally – vote in favour of an advantageous, rock-solid prenup to remove myself from my current marriage. How much simpler life would be!

No messy divorce.

No legal fees.

Trade in one spouse for another.

She would just have to deal with it.

Similarly, if I was a wealthy man and was minded to protect the interests of the wealthy family from which I hailed, I would vote similarly. I’d crunch the older model into the ground: my new wife would be hovering on the horizon – and she would come and go as cheaply as her predecessor did.

How cheap and easy marriage would become!

Consider the needs of the deserted wife.  She is left bereft, alone, with no real income capacity to maintain herself. Her self-confidence is worn down and her dignity is in shreds.

Her husband has shamed her by moving on and worse still, if these prenups with their renewal and exclusion clauses have become binding, and she has been obliged to sign one, there is little that can be done. Nothing is left to the wife other than what her husband has graciously decided to bestow upon her.

As judges know, these wives sign because they trust their partners.

It is difficult enough in cases that involve rich men, with assets in trusts, meeting their wives needs. If these women are tied into harsh prenuptial agreements, their fates would be far worse. The wives would be ruined while their husbands would not.

All our law would be turned on its head. Meeting the spouse’s reasonable needs and standard of living during the marriage? Not a chance.

Let’s consider the emotional states of the parties when they entered into such an agreement. Pre-marital stresses are known to exist. This should be a happy, fun time – but in many cases it is fraught with nerves and worries on both sides. Brides will find they gain or lose weight, arrangements for the wedding are often complicated and expensive, families may be quarrelling, there will be a home to consider, a wedding list, the guests, the cost of it all and the honeymoon. All parties will be treading on eggshells.

Is this the best time for a coldly impersonal marital agreement that, years down the line, could leave one spouse virtually destitute?

Perhaps you would argue that people have a choice and don’t have to sign up to a prenuptial agreement.

But guess what? They are emotionally involved and they trust their partners, even when everyone round them thinks they are fools. They don’t care about lawyers and the future because their emotions are preventing them from thinking rationally. If they were rational, cold-hearted and commercial, they’d never sign a tough prenuptial in a month of Sundays.

Relationships (and not forgetting the intimacy of a sexual relationship which has produced absolute trust in the other) produce normal but highly turbulent emotional reactions which, observed objectively, are off the scale. It is because of those emotions that people decide to marry and for the same reason, why people decide to divorce.

So, if we understand how foolish emotionally involved people are when they sign the prenup, when lawyers can’t stop them, why on earth are we trying to hold them to their crazy bargain? Especially at a time when we need not do so, because we still have the fallback position in Radmacher?

Last week I heard the most unbelievable comment from one client.

Why, she wondered, had her husband decided to divorce her when his company, predicted to be sold in the next few years, was doing so badly right now? Was it because he was so mixed up, having started an affair?

I kid you not.

My client couldn’t see that this was absolutely the best time for him to divorce her, before the business picked up again. That’s because, in classic denial, she just didn’t want a divorce. So she was clutching at anything at all that might mean he was the emotionally unbalanced one of the two.

The First Wives Club

This weekend I watched one of my favourite films – again. The First Wives Club is terrific: it follows three wives through the full range of emotions that are so familiar to my clients, when all three are dumped by their husbands for younger women. The story is of course exaggerated, but the film is brilliant. At the end of it, all three reach the acceptance stage and begin to move on.

The clip above is from the end of the film, when the three wives literally dance off the set, their self-confidence and dignity returned. They accept the past and are ready for whatever the future may bring. And because they are played by Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler they all look fabulous.

The First Wives Club is raw, funny and at the same time, truly demonstrative of real life divorce and all its pain. It shows it can be overcome.

I never tire of this film. It’s unashamedly pitched at all divorcing women and if you are a woman going through divorce, I recommend that you download it and watch it immediately.

And laugh!

A final word

It is important to remember, particularly after the ruling in the Imerman case, that if YOU need to draw upon self-help in your case against your spouse, it can be very difficult. The judges are clearly aware of your emotional state, and they may even recognise that emotions don’t occur in the same way in the other divisions of our court system. However this does not mean that allowances will be made for any form of self-help.

The judges will have no sympathy whatsoever and, unlike the triumphant three women in the movie, if you decide upon any self-help you could find yourself in trouble. You could even, heaven forbid, end up in jail.

I wish our judiciary would watch The First Wives Club, and act on it. It should be compulsory viewing!

Yesterday, almost every male in our office was joyfully whistling “Viva Espana” as he passed by the office of Frank Arndt, our German partner.  James Thornton, who shares a room with Frank, had earlier been on Radio York delightedly trumpeting the Spanish victory against Germany in the World Cup.

Andrew Williams, our Chief Executive, is doubly delighted because he has drawn Spain in the firm’s sweepstake. Jo Childs, Frank’s secretary, has drawn Holland – and with Spain and Holland preparing to play in the World Cup final, the two of them are now at loggerheads. Andrew’s offer to share the winnings has been firmly rejected. It’s war!

I drew Italy. On the day of the fateful game against Slovakia I kept getting gleeful texts from my son Ben.

The first read, No chance.

The second: Definitely no chance.

Finally: You’ve lost.

Yes, I am sorry to say that Italy let me down and I have lost my £1 stake. But right now, having obtained his first class honours degree in law, Ben can do no wrong. (As if he ever could!) How fortunate we are to have our families and friends, with whom we can laugh.

This week I have also been reading of another woman’s son: a brave, desperate man who loves his mother so dearly that he has risked terrible danger by turning to our “global community” for assistance. Reading of the disgusting and cruel behaviour that his family has endured, and continues to endure, tears my heart to pieces.

His name is Sajad Ghadarzade, he is 22-years-old and his family lives in Iran. He has been appealing to international human rights groups after his mother, Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, was charged with adultery and sentenced to death by stoning.

What can I say about Iran’s rulers and “lawmen”, that hasn’t already been widely documented across the world? Do you recall the 2004 hanging of 16-year-old Atefeh Rajabi Sahaaleh, from a crane in a public square for “crimes against chastity”, following her rape by a 51-year-old man? The judge who sentenced her to death also acted as the prosecutor and witness in the case. He even carried out the sentence, placing the noose around her neck before she was hoisted to her death. Why is a man like that distinguished by the title of “Judge”, when he should be serving a life sentence for murder?

Sakineh Mohamadi Ashtiani, 43, has already received 99 lashes and served five years’ imprisonment for the “crime” of adultery. Her son stayed with her, helplessly watching as his mother’s flogging was barbarically administered. He was 17 at the time and said he could not leave her to suffer alone.

After five years her case has been reopened, for reasons which cannot be explained, and she has been sentenced to death. She was all set to be tortured and murdered by the barbaric practice of stoning. When a woman is killed in this way, she is ritually dressed in a shroud and buried up to her breasts. Stones are then hurled at her head, and death is expected to take around 30 minutes.

The Times, which is covering the case in detail, has valiantly taken the lead on behalf of this family – and all credit to the newspaper. More than 80 influential figures, from Robert Redford to Harriet Harman, have signed a letter organised by The Times calling for this “indefensible punishment” to be overturned.

In response to this international pressure, the Iranian Government has bowed to some extent. Sajad Ghadarzade’s mother will not now be stoned to death. However her death sentence has not been commuted.

Mrs Ashtiani’s courageous son is still a young man. Not for him the trivial pleasure of teasing his mum about a football sweepstake, or the pleasure of watching a World Cup final alongside his loved ones. Instead, every knock on the door must bring him terror as to save his mother’s life, he has publicised her cause at considerable risk to his own safety.

If we are truly a “smaller world” and a “global community”, then let us put our shared aims and values to good use – over and above the football. Let us unite across the world and clamour unceasingly for the release of Mrs Ashtiani.

At the time of writing an online petition has already drawn more than 5,000 names. Amnesty International has set up a template form online so that people can write to those who can influence Mrs Ashtiani’s fate.

Let us strive to ensure that this woman, her brave son and the rest of their family can live unharmed and safe for the rest of their lives.

The original Sirens were three creatures of Greek mythology. They were alluring seductresses, each one half bird and half woman, and their irresistible voices and music lured sailors to shipwreck and death. Whoever first imagined the Sirens, all those thousands of years ago, had a great understanding of human nature.

I can assure you that thousands of years later, Sirens are alive and well – and still active. They may not be living on the rocks of a craggy coastline any longer, but they make their occasional appearances in divorces around the world. They can be men but in my experience, they are far more likely to be women.

Today’s Sirens

As a family lawyer, I have on occasion encountered Sirens. They are women who, when a marriage has broken down, have the most to gain. A Siren deliberately heaps tragedy on a family, because when she has set her sights on a man who is already married – and also, in most cases, a father – she gets him. Greek mythology had Orpheus, who could play louder than the Sirens could sing and allowed the men on the Argo to escape their otherwise inevitable fate. Sadly, there are few men like Orpheus around today!

In my experience, the Siren will involve herself as closely as she can with the unavailable man. She sees him as an unobtainable challenge, and doesn’t care that he is married. She will embark upon a passionate affair with him, seduce him, fill his head until he can think of nothing but being with her and rejects everything he has for her. Meanwhile there she sits, playing her music and singing her song.

A Siren is so fresh, so new, so compliant and so understanding. Perhaps she works alongside the unsuspecting husband, who admires her diligence and her skills. She certainly has more time and money to lavish upon herself and upon entertaining the husband. The man’s tired wife may be worn out with work and childcare, shopping and domesticity. She cannot hold a candle to the intoxicating Siren, who replaces her in the increasingly blinded husband’s affections.

The Siren’s Trap

As realisation dawns upon the tired wife, she falls into the Siren’s trap. The wife will become upset, angry and unpleasant. The Siren will drift, smiling, in her sea of calm. She will serve to highlight all the husband’s complaints about his wife, knowing that he is setting course for the rocks. The husband, puffed up with pride about his conquest, pays scant regard to the perilous sea in which he is sailing.

The Siren beckons the besotted husband onwards, feigning innocence and keeping her own wants carefully disguised. She is rewarded with the husband’s love and sympathy. She allies herself with his needs, his cares and his distress. His wife becomes his enemy.  The Siren takes pains to conceal her power over the husband, while encouraging him to leave his “unsupportive” wife and children. The Siren’s special trick is to let him believe that she is blameless, and that he is the only one at fault.

She keeps on singing her Siren call.

The Siren knows that as long as the husband believes in her, he will protect her. He will bear all the strain, the guilt, the treachery and deceit, and he will fully absolve her of any wrongdoing. How can he do otherwise? How can he admit that his new love is as deceitful and treacherous, perhaps more so, than he is? How can he admit that she has seduced him – not the other way round? He dances to her tune. Her singing and music continues softly, heard only by him. His hearing becomes increasingly sensitive because he is now almost blind and powerless to prevent tragedy. What the Siren has persuaded him to believe, he now believes himself. His self-worth, his integrity, his honesty – all are lost in the swirling waters beneath him, as he sails towards the rocks.

The Siren’s Plan

Underneath her silken skin, the Siren desperately wants what belongs to the wife. The Siren wants the wife’s social status, her home and her financial security. The Siren cares nothing for the tragedy she inflicts upon the husband’s family. As the boat crashes onto the rocks, she continues to protest her innocence, persuading the husband to assume sole responsibility for the tragedy that engulfs and overwhelms the family.

As he sees his wife and children thrashing helplessly in the sea, the husband’s guilt deepens. He knows he has passed the point of no return. He leaves them to their fate and surrenders himself to his new life with the Siren, and the aftermath unfolds on dry land. Some Sirens disappear, disenchanted with the husband’s feet of clay, and move on. But most, having fought their battle, will stay with the husband. He can still prove useful to them.

Years later, the Siren is now the husband’s wife. She has her own home, her own children and her own nest to protect. She forgets that she was once a Siren, and how vulnerable her husband was to the Siren’s call. When a Siren becomes a wife, she becomes as vulnerable as her predecessor.

I believe that in such cases, the husband’s blindness does eventually lift. He comes to his senses. He realises, bitterly, what he has cast into the sea. He grieves for what he has done to his loved ones and above all, to his integrity and sense of self. And at some point in time, it will become too much for him. His Siren, who knows it all, will go the same way as his first wife. And this time, he has no regrets.

I have noticed that many new visitors arrive at this blog after entering questions about their predicaments into Google. I asked Cheshire divorce lawyer Robin Charrot if he could help out with some answers.

For most court hearings, you will not play a speaking role. However there are still a few rules to follow. Use common sense: don’t lose your temper, don’t glare at your spouse and don’t sigh, tut or mutter when your spouse’s lawyer is speaking. Pay attention to what is being said. To get your lawyer’s attention, write a short note and tap them on the shoulder. But please don’t do this every five minutes! For further tips see Marilyn Stowe’s post, How To Act In Court.

how to explain to children adultery divorce

However much you blame your spouse for having an affair, resist telling your children “the simple truth”. This will always do more harm than good, because it will give them hopelessly conflicted loyalties. Your children have the right to have the best possible relationship with both their parents. Tell the children that their mum and dad are going to be happier living in different homes. Avoid the emphasis on your spouse’s new partner. In turn, your spouse should not bring his or her new partner onto the scene until the children are used to their parents living apart. Even then it should be done gradually.

how do i get my wife of 20+ years sexually attracted to me again

Not the usual kind of question asked of a family lawyer! One of the most important things is that you have to show that you are sexually attracted to her.

how can you tell if your husband is cheating on you

Having an affair usually means spending more money; have his patterns of cash withdrawal or credit card spending changed? Other tell-tale signs are described in Marilyn Stowe’s post, Ten Ways To Tell He’s Cheating On You.

how do i obtain a mesher order against my husband

By reaching an agreement with your husband, which is then translated into the wording of a court order and approved by the court. If you cannot reach agreement, a court order may be imposed on both of you after a final hearing. Often a Mesher order is agreed upon when the wife cannot afford to “buy out” the husband’s interest in the property.

how does csa calculate self employed net income

Your net income is the profit from your activities after tax, National Insurance and pension contributions. If your net income is more than £2,000 per week, it is capped at that amount for the purpose of the maintenance calculation. However it is still possible that the resident parent could apply to the court for more maintenance or other financial orders against you.

how does the judge in a divorce case present his decision

It depends. If the case is fairly simple, and there is enough time left on the day of the hearing, the judge will tell you what his decision is there and then. In doing so, the judge must summarise the arguments and explain why they have reached their decision, so it takes a little time. If the case is complex or it is late in the day, the judge might “reserve” judgment, which often means that you have to wait several weeks. Then the decision will be issued in writing, or the parties will have to return to court to hear the judge pronounce his judgment.

how to change wife’s mind about divorce

You may not be able to! The most important thing is to keep communicating in a civil and constructive way. An independent third party can help you to do this: visit Relate for further information.

how to deal with anxiety and divorce hearing

Look after yourself: Don’t smoke, keep alcohol to a minimum and get as much sleep as possible. Ask lots of questions of your solicitor: what is the format of the hearing? Will I need to speak? Who will be representing me? What will be decided? When will it start and finish? Where should we meet? What do I wear? Feel free to bring a friend or family member with you for support, but note that they will not be allowed into the courtroom. If the hearing is likely to last all day, force yourself to have lunch!

how to know if marriage is invalid?

A marriage may be invalid if the ceremony did not comply with the formalities to make it legally recognised in the country in which the ceremony took place. For example, you may be in trouble if the venue is not licensed to hold marriages, or if the person conducting the ceremony is not licensed to do so. The most common problem is when couples go through a religious ceremony that is not recognised as a legally binding marriage in that country, and omit to follow it up with a civil ceremony.

ex partner lives with his mother how does that affect csa

It doesn’t.

how to withdraw from a sears tooth agreement

In short, you can’t. If you have signed up to a Sears Tooth Agreement, you have entered into an agreement with your solicitor to pay your legal fees from any money awarded to you at the end of your case. Your solicitor has carried out the work for you on that basis. The only way to “withdraw” is to settle the solicitor’s outstanding charges. If clients could withdraw from a Sears Tooth Agreement, then solicitors wouldn’t offer them!

how to write your own prenuptial agreements

Don’t bother. The current law on prenuptial agreements is that if the agreement is to hold water in any subsequent divorce proceedings, both parties must have had independent legal advice when it was entered into.

how you know he wants a trophy girlfriend

Ask yourself a few questions. Does he set great store by what his friends and associates think of him? Do some of them have trophy girlfriends? Has he said that he is not happy with his life? Has he started to spend more on clothes? Does he want a flashier car than he already has? If you are answering “Yes, Yes, YES!”, then watch out.

how to tell your wife you want a divorce younger women

This news is going to hurt big time – however you phrase it. However there is no point in lying or dressing your reasons up with excuses, because your wife will learn the truth soon enough. If you haven’t been honest, her reaction will be ten times worse.

how to make a good impression on your first day at work law student

Don’t try to impress everyone with your legal skills and knowledge: even if you know more than the people who work there, they will not like you for it! Dress smartly, be punctual, look interested and do exactly what you’re asked to do. Always ask what the deadline is for any work you are given. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about the work if you are not exactly sure what is expected of you.

how to protect money if wife is unfaithful

Limit the amount of money going into joint accounts, or accounts in your wife’s sole name. Make sure that she cannot run up overdrafts or credit card debts that are in your name or joint names.

Stowe Family Law is the UK’s largest specialist family law firm, with offices and divorce solicitors in London, Yorkshire and Cheshire.

With an outstanding national and international reputation, the firm provides a full range of private client family law services. Our divorce solicitors are praised by clients, the media and legal guides for their knowledge and expertise.

Marilyn Stowe and members of the Stowe Family Law team

Question mark image credit: Xurble.

In Lady Worsley’s time, divorce was a privilege of the wealthy.

I recently came across an interesting article in the BBC History Magazine about an infamous 18^th Century divorce. It brought to mind the recent news about the lady in Dubai who has been imprisoned for committing adultery and may never see her children again once she is deported from that country, I wondered to what extent progress has been made.

The case in question concerned Sir Richard Worsley and his wife, Lady Seymour Dorothy Worsley. The year was 1781 and Lady Worsley had eloped with her lover Captain George Bisset, leaving for the big smoke and staying at the Royal Hotel on Pall Mall. The affair, colourfully described in Hallie Rubenhold’s book Lady Worsley’s Whim, led to her husband’s instigation divorce proceedings.

Back in the 18^th Century, divorce was a privilege of the wealthy, as it was only the wealthy who could afford the expense. Proceedings could only be brought by the husband. He could obtain a divorce through an Act of Parliament, which was an embarrassing rummage through the history of the marriage by his peers (imagine the scandal and gossip!) who would then agree that the marriage should be dissolved. An alternative option was to go to the religious ecclesiastical court to obtain a “separation from bed and board”, which ended the husband’s financial responsibilities towards his wife but left the couple in a “half-life” of still being married.

Sir Richard Worsley made an intriguing claim that related to a charge of “criminal conversation”. The charge was brought by Sir Richard against Captain Bisset for compensation, for damages to Sir Richard’s property. The “property” in question? His wife.

The religious laws against adultery – and perhaps these are still echoed in the law of Dubai – had been relaxed in the late 17^th Century. This meant that other ways of seeking recompense could be sought. Sir Richard also alleged that Captain Bisset had committed the civil offence of trespass and damaged his wife’s chastity. He sought £20,000 in damages – the equivalent of £25.4 million today.

Reading about the case, I fell to thinking about the state of our current law and how the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1973 has given the Court wide powers to exercise its discretion and deal with assets in a “fair” manner. The Court looks at a whole range of factors, prioritising the needs of any children, but looking at every factor in a balanced way. It was only as a result of successful campaigning for wives’ rights that in the early 19^th Century, the first Matrimonial Causes Act of 1857 recognised women as individuals with rights separate from those of their husbands.

Even now, no law is perfect. The current requirement for parties to wait for two years to avoid a “fault based” divorce is too long, in my opinion. At the same time there is an awful lot to be said for our English system, which steers away from black and white and from formulaic outcomes. Instead, it attempts to provide fair outcomes in differing circumstances. Hard rules can lead to unfair outcomes: the lady in Dubai has claimed that she was set up by her husband, who aimed to take custody of the children from her and have her thrown out of the country.

Back in the 1780s, the unfortunate Lady Worsley became the object of a terrible dispute. Captain Bisset defended the charges brought against him by claiming that Lady Worsley was simply not worth £20,000. In fact, he said, she was worth nothing! He alleged that Sir Richard had actively promoted Lady Worsley’s liaisons – not only with Captain Bisset but also with move than twenty other men during the couple’s six years of marriage.

In effect, Captain Bisset argued that the damage had already been done. The Court agreed with him – and the compensation awarded to Sir Richard was a meagre shilling.

You probably read a great deal about Sir Paul Mcartney’s divorce last year. Imagine reading about Lord and Lady in your Sunday newspaper!

Julian Hawkhead is the Head of the Domestic Family Law Department at Stowe Family Law. Specialising in cases involving complex financial arrangements for high net worth clients, often with a corporate or business element, Julian is becoming known as a leader in the field.

Julian has also trained as a collaborative lawyer through Resolution, the family solicitors group, and has successfully dealt with multi-million pound cases on that basis.

A new French film explores the conduct of a 51-year-old woman who, following the collapse of her marriage, pays for sex with much younger men.

Cliente stars well-known French actress Nathalie Baye as the divorcee who seeks to escape from her boring life, and turns to a gigolo.

I am sure that the scenario will be regarded by many as pure fantasy. However, the director and writer of the film, Josiane Balasko, says she wants to highlight the plight of real women who separate from their husbands, find it difficult to move on and turn to paid sex with a stranger.

The film deals with the relationship between the woman and her male gigolo as she learns more about him. She falls in love with him – as, I believe, do most women who have regular sex with the same man. Sex is an expression of feeling. It is rare to find a woman who has regular sex with the same man without any emotional involvement.

The film’s premise appears to be rooted in fact. According to an article in The Sunday Times male gigolos, whose traditional hunting ground for rich women is the French Riviera, are now advertising on websites elsewhere in France. One of these men, known as “Earl Grey”, is based in Paris. He offers his services to women who want passionate encounters without strings, for £150 an hour. It’s quite a charge out rate! But while he may be able to remain emotionally unattached, what about his clients?

I have seen a number of mature women whose affairs with men from different socio-economic backgrounds would baffle independent observers. The men concerned may not be particularly attractive. However, they are usually very charming. As for the women, they don’t always fit the stereotype of provocative, heavily made-up matrons who are “ready for it”. Often they have succumbed to the attention without appreciating the likely emotional (and material) consequences of their passion. The lover may be a builder, a gym instructor or a tennis coach. Typically, he will be found at gyms, wine bars and restaurants frequented by “ladies who lunch”, and will make a bee line for a woman who has a glint in her eye and an expensive car parked outside. He may also be involved with other women. For the woman, this relationship may begin as an adventure – but she will end up emotionally attached and unable to end the affair. She may also end up divorced.

This said, such relationships may not always start off through a charm offensive. There are assertive women who can control their emotions and keep their private lives in separate compartments.

One woman, a high flying company director, saw me recently. She has a lover, who is also married, and their affair has continued satisfactorily for the past four years. She told me, with frankness, that her lover fulfills a need. She had come to see me because she wanted to find out about the likely financial settlement that she would have to pay her husband if she decided to leave him. Having told her the likely cost, I suspect she will stay put.  Her lifestyle is cool, clinical and calculated. She says that her husband has no idea about her affair – her lover, too, is apparently content to stay within his marriage.

I do think that she is an exception. Most other women invest a lot of emotions in their relationships; over time they form strong bonds, and want to spend more and more time with their lovers.

So I can understand how Cliente was conceived, and I do not think that the idea is fantastical. It is based on real scenarios and situations in which women who crave relationships try to use sex to quell their loneliness. They can end up emotional wrecks, dependent upon someone whom they would previously have passed in the street with nary a second glance.

Women can be lonely inside and outside of marriage. Sadly as the hundreds of files in my office show, illicit sex – paid for or otherwise – can cause far more heartache than it was ever intended to appease.

I don’t know how Cliente ends – but in real life, there is very rarely a happy ending.

Eventually you must make a decision…

• 1. The mobile phone bill goes missing. If lengthy calls to your lover have sent the telephone bill spiralling upwards, the last thing you want is for your husband to discover that nearly all the calls have been made to just one number. Worse than that, you definitely don’t want him calling that number!

• 2. You stop cooking for him. If he gets home, asks what you’ve made for dinner and you reply, “I’ve made reservations’, he knows he’s in trouble.

• 3. You often talk about how good the window cleaner is, how the tennis coach has really improved your game or why the builders need to stay longer than intended. The wife of a rich, successful man, if she feels neglected and second best to the attractions of work, may find solace with a lover who has far less material wealth but does not substitute financial rewards for affection and attention.

• 4. You really don’t care how his day went at work! The conversation and gossip about his work once fascinated you. Now it bores you to tears. You are no longer interested in his work because you are no longer interested in him. It shows.

• 5. You look younger and trimmer – and he still hasn’t noticed! If he no longer notices your hair, make-up or figure, he will probably be slow to twig that someone else has. By the time reality has dawned, it may be too late.

• 6. You are suddenly spending more time with girlfriends. You suggest a separate bank account for your “girly” indulgences, so that you don’t have to bother him all the time. At least that’s what you want him to believe. But what will happen if he finds your bank statements or discovers your pin number?

• 7. When work commitments prevent him from coming on holiday, you are unusually understanding. You tell him that you’ll enjoy the sun and finally read all those unopened books. Instead, you plan to meet up with the guy he had dismissed as a beach bum on your last trip together to the Caribbean. You tell him you know that he is too busy to call – and that you’ll ring him.

• 8. You begin to wear younger, sexier clothing. He’s long past noticing anything new you wear – although when he does, he is quick to complain about the cost. You are careful if you use the joint account to pay for them, and you always tell him what you’ve bought – even if you don’t tell him why.

• 9. You are embarrassed in his company. Suddenly he can’t do anything right in your eyes. His fashion sense belongs in a different age, his jokes aren’t funny anymore and you begin to compare him – unfavourably – with more dynamic and successful friends and colleagues.

• 10. Sex is a definite no! The headache excuse is so see-through, it’s transparent. You’ve tried the one about being worried that the children will hear. Perhaps the gym or the tennis has tired you. Perhaps there is a late night television programme that you really can’t miss.

There will come a time when these excuses run out – and you will have to decide whether to stay or to go.