It is often said that the world is now a smaller place, and recent events have had me thinking about this throwaway phrase. In 2010, are we really more of a “global community” than ever before?

Yesterday, almost every male in our office was joyfully whistling “Viva Espana” as he passed by the office of Frank Arndt, our German partner.  James Thornton, who shares a room with Frank, had earlier been on Radio York delightedly trumpeting the Spanish victory against Germany in the World Cup.

Andrew Williams, our Chief Executive, is doubly delighted because he has drawn Spain in the firm’s sweepstake. Jo Childs, Frank’s secretary, has drawn Holland – and with Spain and Holland preparing to play in the World Cup final, the two of them are now at loggerheads. Andrew’s offer to share the winnings has been firmly rejected. It’s war!

I drew Italy. On the day of the fateful game against Slovakia I kept getting gleeful texts from my son Ben.

The first read, No chance.

The second: Definitely no chance.

Finally: You’ve lost.

Yes, I am sorry to say that Italy let me down and I have lost my £1 stake. But right now, having obtained his first class honours degree in law, Ben can do no wrong. (As if he ever could!) How fortunate we are to have our families and friends, with whom we can laugh.

This week I have also been reading of another woman’s son: a brave, desperate man who loves his mother so dearly that he has risked terrible danger by turning to our “global community” for assistance. Reading of the disgusting and cruel behaviour that his family has endured, and continues to endure, tears my heart to pieces.

His name is Sajad Ghadarzade, he is 22-years-old and his family lives in Iran. He has been appealing to international human rights groups after his mother, Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, was charged with adultery and sentenced to death by stoning. Continue reading »

Recently I wrote about the “Black Knights” of divorce: those people who won’t face reality but fight on, relentlessly, long after the case has finished. They are few in number but their behaviour is remarkable. Today I would like to consider another group, equally rare in number. They are the Sirens.

The original Sirens were three creatures of Greek mythology. They were alluring seductresses, each one half bird and half woman, and their irresistible voices and music lured sailors to shipwreck and death. Whoever first imagined the Sirens, all those thousands of years ago, had a great understanding of human nature.

I can assure you that thousands of years later, Sirens are alive and well – and still active. They may not be living on the rocks of a craggy coastline any longer, but they make their occasional appearances in divorces around the world. They can be men but in my experience, they are far more likely to be women.

Today’s Sirens

As a family lawyer, I have on occasion encountered Sirens. They are women who, when a marriage has broken down, have the most to gain. A Siren deliberately heaps tragedy on a family, because when she has set her sights on a man who is already married – and also, in most cases, a father – she gets him. Greek mythology had Orpheus, who could play louder than the Sirens could sing and allowed the men on the Argo to escape their otherwise inevitable fate. Sadly, there are few men like Orpheus around today! Continue reading »

I have noticed that many new visitors arrive at this blog after entering questions about their predicaments into Google. I asked Cheshire divorce lawyer Robin Charrot if he could help out with some answers.

For most court hearings, you will not play a speaking role. However there are still a few rules to follow. Use common sense: don’t lose your temper, don’t glare at your spouse and don’t sigh, tut or mutter when your spouse’s lawyer is speaking. Pay attention to what is being said. To get your lawyer’s attention, write a short note and tap them on the shoulder. But please don’t do this every five minutes! For further tips see Marilyn Stowe’s post, How To Act In Court.

how to explain to children adultery divorce

However much you blame your spouse for having an affair, resist telling your children “the simple truth”. This will always do more harm than good, because it will give them hopelessly conflicted loyalties. Your children have the right to have the best possible relationship with both their parents. Tell the children that their mum and dad are going to be happier living in different homes. Avoid the emphasis on your spouse’s new partner. In turn, your spouse should not bring his or her new partner onto the scene until the children are used to their parents living apart. Even then it should be done gradually.

how do i get my wife of 20+ years sexually attracted to me again

Not the usual kind of question asked of a family lawyer! Continue reading »

In Lady Worsley’s time, divorce was a privilege of the wealthy.

I recently came across an interesting article in the BBC History Magazine about an infamous 18^th Century divorce. It brought to mind the recent news about the lady in Dubai who has been imprisoned for committing adultery and may never see her children again once she is deported from that country, I wondered to what extent progress has been made.

The case in question concerned Sir Richard Worsley and his wife, Lady Seymour Dorothy Worsley. The year was 1781 and Lady Worsley had eloped with her lover Captain George Bisset, leaving for the big smoke and staying at the Royal Hotel on Pall Mall. The affair, colourfully described in Hallie Rubenhold’s book Lady Worsley’s Whim, led to her husband’s instigation divorce proceedings.

Back in the 18^th Century, divorce was a privilege of the wealthy, as it was only the wealthy who could afford the expense. Proceedings could only be brought by the husband. He could obtain a divorce through an Act of Parliament, which was an embarrassing rummage through the history of the marriage by his peers (imagine the scandal and gossip!) who would then agree that the marriage should be dissolved. An alternative option was to go to the religious ecclesiastical court to obtain a “separation from bed and board”, which ended the husband’s financial responsibilities towards his wife but left the couple in a “half-life” of still being married.

Sir Richard Worsley made an intriguing claim that related to a charge of “criminal conversation”. The charge was brought by Sir Richard against Captain Bisset for compensation, for damages to Sir Richard’s property. The “property” in question? His wife.

The religious laws against adultery – and perhaps these are still echoed in the law of Dubai – had been relaxed in the late 17^th Century. This meant that other ways of seeking recompense could be sought. Sir Richard also alleged that Captain Bisset had committed the civil offence of trespass and damaged his wife’s chastity. He sought £20,000 in damages – the equivalent of £25.4 million today.

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 A new French film explores the conduct of a 51-year-old woman who, following the collapse of her marriage, pays for sex with much younger men.

Cliente stars well-known French actress Nathalie Baye as the divorcee who seeks to escape from her boring life, and turns to a gigolo.

I am sure that the scenario will be regarded by many as pure fantasy. However, the director and writer of the film, Josiane Balasko, says she wants to highlight the plight of real women who separate from their husbands, find it difficult to move on and turn to paid sex with a stranger.

The film deals with the relationship between the woman and her male gigolo as she learns more about him. She falls in love with him – as, I believe, do most women who have regular sex with the same man. Sex is an expression of feeling. It is rare to find a woman who has regular sex with the same man without any emotional involvement.

The film’s premise appears to be rooted in fact. According to an article in The Sunday Times male gigolos, whose traditional hunting ground for rich women is the French Riviera, are now advertising on websites elsewhere in France. One of these men, known as “Earl Grey”, is based in Paris. He offers his services to women who want passionate encounters without strings, for £150 an hour. It’s quite a charge out rate! But while he may be able to remain emotionally unattached, what about his clients? Continue reading »

Eventually you must make a decision… 

• 1. The mobile phone bill goes missing. If lengthy calls to your lover have sent the telephone bill spiralling upwards, the last thing you want is for your husband to discover that nearly all the calls have been made to just one number. Worse than that, you definitely don’t want him calling that number!

• 2. You stop cooking for him. If he gets home, asks what you’ve made for dinner and you reply, “I’ve made reservations’, he knows he’s in trouble.

• 3. You often talk about how good the window cleaner is, how the tennis coach has really improved your game or why the builders need to stay longer than intended. The wife of a rich, successful man, if she feels neglected and second best to the attractions of work, may find solace with a lover who has far less material wealth but does not substitute financial rewards for affection and attention. Continue reading »

 Using a “friend” as a spy is the height of sneakiness…

In case you missed it: click here for my earlier countdown of the Top Ten Dirty Divorce Tricks, numbers 10 to 6.

Here are numbers 5 to 1:

• 5. Spending money wildly, as a form of “payback”. Some spurned wives choose to take revenge by spending as much as they can on their husbands’ credit cards before the husbands realise what is going on. One client of mine with an Amex Centurion card received a credit card bill for £30,000 for jewellery purchased by his wife from Cartier. A further £20,000 had been taken off his card and to pay her lawyer’s bills. In such cases, the household bills may well be left unpaid. The court does have power to add back wasted monies, so all is not lost.

• 4. Assaulting the spouse and the new partner. This tends to prove much more satisfying if it takes place in public, thus causing the maximum possible embarrassment. I was involved with one case in which the wife was found to have hired a hitman against her husband. In another case, the wife threw a brick through the front window of her dentist husband’s surgery. This was a whammy in more ways than one as the glass shattered all over the practice nurse – also the husband’s new lover – who had been sitting at her desk by the window! Continue reading »

Technology has moved on – but snooping has reached epidemic proportions.

The results of a study, carried out by Oxford University, are printed in today’s Daily Telegraph. Its authors claim that nearly a quarter of all married couples admit to snooping on one another’s emails and text messages.

Reading the article made me smile. How many times have my clients told me about a spouse,with a mobile phone clamped to his or her hand, behaving oddly? The answer is far too many to remember! So far as marital breakdown is concerned, such activities have become epidemic.

One client of mine became suspicious after her husband began sleeping with his mobile phone under his pillow. One night, when she could stand it no longer, she manoeuvered it from beneath his sleeping head, crept downstairs, read the text messages from his lover – and woke him demanding a divorce.

Other clients have told me how their spouses’ phones are now protected by permanent passwords. However, women are nothing if not inventive. Some can surreptitiously bypass the locking devices on mobiles, because they know that their spouses will use trusted passwords that are difficult to forget. For some reason, men often display a casual attitude to the deletion of text messages. In these cases, the clients have correctly guessed the passwords and accessed the phones.

One client bugged her husband’s car, correctly guessing that he would only speak to his lover once he had left the house. This proved to be the case. He also dialled his best friend – and the two of them bragged about their “bits on the side”. This little episode is likely to cost my client’s husband in the region of £10 million.

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Are people who claim to enjoy “no strings attached” liaisons deluding themselves?

Is Britain in the grip of an adultery epidemic? Reading Angela Levin’s three-part investigation in The Daily Telegraph, you would think so.  Perhaps she is right. The newspaper provides positive advice to prevent it happening, and advice and tips on how to survive an affair. So all’s well then!

And yet, I wonder?

One client who came to see me was in no doubt that his wife was having an affair. The couple, both in their early 50s, led busy lives and their three children had all left home. The wife had a full-time job and over the previous six months, had become increasingly remote. Her behavior had deteriorated, and she had become argumentative, irrational and rude. He dreaded her presence, as she kept picking arguments and finding fault with him. My client told me he was utterly lost, and lonely in his marriage.

When he confronted his wife with his suspicions, she more or less confirmed them. In that he was fortunate – most people, when confronted about an illicit affair, will deny it.

So what remained of their marriage? I am afraid that for couples in this situation, the answer is “very little”.

Continue reading »