Don’t dwell on what can’t be changed

Like many people I’ve taken advantage of the Easter break to take a much-needed holiday. Unlike previous years, my time in Eilat – a stunning Israeli resort town on the banks of the Red Sea – was spent relaxing poolside. Because of the ongoing knee saga, walking was difficult especially in over 30 degree heat, and running my usual route was out of the question.

So like it or not, (which I didn’t) I had more time than usual to spend by the pool. This naturally didn’t stop my brain whirling about, so I decided to “people watch”.  It’s a pastime of mine, when I’m switching off and relaxing. I look around me and try and work out what’s going on in people’s lives. My imagination runs riot!

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Eventually you must make a decision… 

• 1. The mobile phone bill goes missing. If lengthy calls to your lover have sent the telephone bill spiralling upwards, the last thing you want is for your husband to discover that nearly all the calls have been made to just one number. Worse than that, you definitely don’t want him calling that number!

• 2. You stop cooking for him. If he gets home, asks what you’ve made for dinner and you reply, “I’ve made reservations’, he knows he’s in trouble.

• 3. You often talk about how good the window cleaner is, how the tennis coach has really improved your game or why the builders need to stay longer than intended. The wife of a rich, successful man, if she feels neglected and second best to the attractions of work, may find solace with a lover who has far less material wealth but does not substitute financial rewards for affection and attention. Continue reading »

I’ve heard all the excuses and all the explanations.

So, how do you know he’s planning to leave you? Here are some early warning signs…

1. He starts taking an unusual interest in his clothes and overall appearance. You have nagged him for years about boring suits and stained ties. You have urged him to adopt a trendier hairstyle and told him that unwanted facial hair really isn’t a turn-on. Now he’s taking action on his own – and alarm bells are ringing.

1. He takes out new credit cards in his name only and you never see the monthly bills.  This is a sure sign that he’s spending money on things he doesn’t want you to know about. Continue reading »

“There is so much more out there” such a person might say. “Ditch him or her, and make the most of your life.”

A constant concern of mine is the worrying role that “friends” can play in divorce. If I hear about a “friend” or if a “friend” appears in my office alongside my client, warning bells will ring.

In my experience, “friends” come in all shapes and sizes and are always loyal, sympathetic and helpful – at least on the surface.

However, clients often complain that their spouses’ “friends” have encouraged the breakdown of a marriage. They speak with anxiety – and often downright hostility – about the roles played by these people in the lives of their spouses. In some cases, “friends’” lifestyles appear to be incompatible with married life.

Such “friends” are often newly acquired and may be divorced themselves. They usually juggle hectic social diaries. For a spouse plodding along in a dull, lifeless marriage, this sort of person can hold a magnetic attraction.

“There is so much more out there” such a person might say. “Ditch him or her, and make the most of your life.” Following nights out together, glamorous lunches and holidays away, even newer “friends” may appear. Continue reading »

Matching parents’ wishes with your own evolutionary desires

Conflicts between parents and their children about the choice of a partner is a tried-and-tested literary device – from Mrs Bennett’s lamentations about Elizabeth’s refusal to accept Mr Collins’ proposal to Bridget Jones’ indignation at her mother’s attempts at matchmaking.

Now it seems we learn the reason why: genetics.

The Washington Post recently ran the results of a couple of studies examining the potential conflict between parents and their offspring about their child’s choice of spouse.

Young Americans told the survey that they are attracted by physical and intellectual qualities in a potential mate but said their parents would object to a partner who was of different ethnicity, poor or lacked a ‘good’ family background. Dutch and Kurdish students gave similar answers putting attractiveness first, whereas their parents uniformly paid more attention to their potential spouses’ social background or group affiliation such as race, religion or social class.

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Technology has moved on – but snooping has reached epidemic proportions.

The results of a study, carried out by Oxford University, are printed in today’s Daily Telegraph. Its authors claim that nearly a quarter of all married couples admit to snooping on one another’s emails and text messages.

Reading the article made me smile. How many times have my clients told me about a spouse,with a mobile phone clamped to his or her hand, behaving oddly? The answer is far too many to remember! So far as marital breakdown is concerned, such activities have become epidemic.

One client of mine became suspicious after her husband began sleeping with his mobile phone under his pillow. One night, when she could stand it no longer, she manoeuvered it from beneath his sleeping head, crept downstairs, read the text messages from his lover – and woke him demanding a divorce.

Other clients have told me how their spouses’ phones are now protected by permanent passwords. However, women are nothing if not inventive. Some can surreptitiously bypass the locking devices on mobiles, because they know that their spouses will use trusted passwords that are difficult to forget. For some reason, men often display a casual attitude to the deletion of text messages. In these cases, the clients have correctly guessed the passwords and accessed the phones.

One client bugged her husband’s car, correctly guessing that he would only speak to his lover once he had left the house. This proved to be the case. He also dialled his best friend – and the two of them bragged about their “bits on the side”. This little episode is likely to cost my client’s husband in the region of £10 million.

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How many parents really understand what their children want and what they need?

Perhaps it was my reaction to the McCartney divorce that prompted me to take some time out for a week’s vacation with my son. At the request of a journalist, I had been considering what Beatrice McCartney’s feelings may be if, when she reaches an age to understand, a kind “friend” shows her a copy of Mr. Justice Bennett’s gruesome judgment of her mother. At the very least, it could cause her a lot of pain. And how will her psychological development be affected by such turbulence within her family?

People talk a lot about the impact of divorce on children. Even so, when I listen to some of them, I have the feeling it is only lip service. How many parents really listen to their children, to try and understand what they want and what they need?

 I am not divorced myself, but I do have a child. On an impulse, I decided to whisk my son away to the heat of the desert in Eilat, Israel for a week. I hoped to find out how he was faring in his student world. He has certainly been working very hard. As it turned out, he wasn’t the only one with plenty on his mind. Continue reading »

Romance is for life, not just for Valentine’s Day

A reporter from a local newspaper called me to discuss top tips for Valentine’s Day. She wanted to know what a divorce lawyer would recommend to keep a marriage together.

I’ve seen some interesting clients recently, whose experiences enabled me to give an opinion. Continue reading »

In pursuit of his true identity, the farmer rejected his family and sex

I long ago concluded that divorce arises out of uncontrollable human instincts including self preservation, protection and survival. A person going through divorce, whether they admit it or not, is forced to think almost exclusively of what is in his or her best interests. Irrespective of all else – and by force of human nature – they are powerless to act otherwise.

Behaviour which occurs because we are innately flawed human beings makes decent people who wouldn’t otherwise dream of behaving badly to others, react inwardly and selfishly, in order to protect themselves. Some philosophers say we are born flawed. Others say we become flawed. Others still say our reactions are pre-destined and beyond our control as are the circumstances in which we find ourselves. They say we have no choice, no “free will”.

Personally I think we do make our own decisions, and we do have choices, but not as much as we might wish if we were all perfect – and we aren’t. Human instinct in a survival situation isn’t about continuing to hunt with the rest of the pack, meekly obeying custom and laws of society. It is about making private decisions to tackle the challenges we face alone, in order to best survive. In those circumstances our instincts say “to hell with the rest of the world”. That is why, not knowing how I would behave in their situation, I can never ‘blame’ a client for his or her choices, no matter the consequences to others caught in the cross fire.

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Are people who claim to enjoy “no strings attached” liaisons deluding themselves?

Is Britain in the grip of an adultery epidemic? Reading Angela Levin’s three-part investigation in The Daily Telegraph, you would think so.  Perhaps she is right. The newspaper provides positive advice to prevent it happening, and advice and tips on how to survive an affair. So all’s well then!

And yet, I wonder?

One client who came to see me was in no doubt that his wife was having an affair. The couple, both in their early 50s, led busy lives and their three children had all left home. The wife had a full-time job and over the previous six months, had become increasingly remote. Her behavior had deteriorated, and she had become argumentative, irrational and rude. He dreaded her presence, as she kept picking arguments and finding fault with him. My client told me he was utterly lost, and lonely in his marriage.

When he confronted his wife with his suspicions, she more or less confirmed them. In that he was fortunate – most people, when confronted about an illicit affair, will deny it.

So what remained of their marriage? I am afraid that for couples in this situation, the answer is “very little”.

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