The Scottish singer KT Tunstall described Nature as “An obviously omnipotent force with the upper hand”, and ourselves as “Only guests. As long as we are graceful appreciative lodgers, the earth remains healthy and wondrous”.

She is right. Nature, if angered, has the power to wipe out a civilisation and paralyse established ways of life for millions of people. Nature is timeless, majestic, and unbearably beautiful, but at will it can become the most ruthless of all our enemies.

Natural disasters remind just how powerful and indiscriminate it can be, with hurricanes, typhoons, floods, earthquakes and volcanoes transforming peoples’ lives in an instant.

I thought this a few weeks ago, when I was looking at Mount Vesuvius from my hotel in Capri. You couldn’t miss the brooding mountain: it loomed out of the mists, across the bay of Naples. It was a constant reminder of what had happened when it erupted thousands of years ago. Any visitor to Pompeii cannot fail to be horrified by the way it destroyed an entire population and its way of life, leaving only a terrible legacy in its wake.

Already I have heard from some of my clients about how they were affected by the recent Icelandic volcano eruption. As ash rose into the sky, the world had to stand still as flights were grounded. In this space age century, an erupting volcano on a tiny island in the most northerly part of the northern hemisphere wreaked havoc on the entire globe…

One of my clients and his family were in glamorous Dubai when the flights were grounded. The holiday over and unable to return to the UK, they were obliged to pay increased room rates every day their stay extended. With no end in sight, and hotels swamped with people desperate for a room, tempers were fraying and arguments began. Luckily my client has a home in Jordan and the family took a flight, which was unaffected by the ash cloud, to Amman. There they waited in the comfort of their own home for a flight back to the UK.  In this instance relationships reverted to normal, the stress was over and the family survived intact.

Not everyone was so fortunate. Continue reading »

I have a theory that one reason why divorce rates are falling is because husbands and wives are together taking on both roles, setting aside the traditional approach that certain jobs are allocated by gender. Thus in contrast to the 1990s, we women no longer are expected to do all the washing, cooking, cleaning and ironing, as well as holding down a day job. I remember how in those years I used to stay up with Ben when he was a baby, sometimes through the night. I had to deal with the housekeeping, baby care, shopping and cooking.  I also had to go to work and be a lawyer, like my husband.  It was incredibly hard work. I said then and still believe now that the pressure of women trying to do everything  and go out to work, was one reason for the rise in divorce rates. Times have changed. The tasks that were once done by one spouse, are now done by both or swapped over altogether. Men are far more in touch with their “feminine side” and conversely, women are far more in touch with their “masculine side.” With both parties boldly daring to cross that divide, resentment can disappear out of the window. Couples become more aware of the stresses and strains upon the other and help one another. They are more tolerant of each other, and more likely to stay together.

That’s my theory, anyway.  To my amazement earlier this week, I heard the presenters on Galaxy Radio saying the same thing. One listener phoned in to describe how his wife had changed the tyre on his car – “no problem” – after he couldn’t!

And things have changed too at the Stowe household. There was a major catastrophe at the weekend. Forget volcanic ash from Iceland. This was far, far, worse. At 0905 hours on Saturday morning, the tumble dryer broke. Like the parrot in Monty Python, it “ceased to be”. Alone in the house, I repeated to myself the need to remain calm, despite the full load of wet washing stuck inside the drum. I called the service number and was told that nobody could come until Thursday. Continue reading »

Recently I wrote about the “Black Knights” of divorce: those people who won’t face reality but fight on, relentlessly, long after the case has finished. They are few in number but their behaviour is remarkable. Today I would like to consider another group, equally rare in number. They are the Sirens.

The original Sirens were three creatures of Greek mythology. They were alluring seductresses, each one half bird and half woman, and their irresistible voices and music lured sailors to shipwreck and death. Whoever first imagined the Sirens, all those thousands of years ago, had a great understanding of human nature.

I can assure you that thousands of years later, Sirens are alive and well – and still active. They may not be living on the rocks of a craggy coastline any longer, but they make their occasional appearances in divorces around the world. They can be men but in my experience, they are far more likely to be women.

Today’s Sirens

As a family lawyer, I have on occasion encountered Sirens. They are women who, when a marriage has broken down, have the most to gain. A Siren deliberately heaps tragedy on a family, because when she has set her sights on a man who is already married – and also, in most cases, a father – she gets him. Greek mythology had Orpheus, who could play louder than the Sirens could sing and allowed the men on the Argo to escape their otherwise inevitable fate. Sadly, there are few men like Orpheus around today! Continue reading »

The recent assassination of Mahmoud al-Mabhouh in Dubai has caught everyone’s attention, not least because Dubai’s police are now searching for a team of assassins who are thought to have entered the emirate with fake passports.

I was particularly drawn to the stunning photograph of “Gail Folliard”: a pleasantly smiling woman who carried a fake Irish passport and identity, and formed part of the alleged assassination team. In her passport photo she has long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and is wearing bright red lipstick.

Newspapers have focused on her as an example of a glamorous female assassin. However Hugo Rifkind, writing in the Times, had another take: “Gail my backside. She’s a bloke.” He quoted the well-known super spy Austin Powers: “She’s a man, man”.

I agree. But not because of the Adam’s apple that is supposed to be so prominent in her photo. It was the ruby red lipstick that stood out for me.

Do real women in real life really wear red lipstick?

The colour red

An experiment, carried out in 2008 by the University of Rochester, USA, involved showing men photographs of women who were either wearing red or framed by the colour. These “red” women were rated as significantly more alluring and sexually appealing by men than women wearing or framed by other colours.

The researchers also asked how much money the men would be prepared to spend on a date with the women in the pictures – and found that a women wearing red was “more likely to score an invitation to the prom and to be treated to a more expensive outing”.

As women know, however, red isn’t an easy colour to wear. Women have to make sure that a given shade of red suits their age, skin colouring and hair. Getting it wrong can result in a fashion faux pas; getting it right means you instantly stand out.

I was interested to note from the Rochester study that women wearing red can be perceived as powerful and aggressive. In business, men coming up against women who are wearing the colour may perform worse against them. (Is this perhaps the reason why women are expected to wear black in court?) Continue reading »

Women are still encouraged to “have it all”, juggling motherhood, marriage and high-powered careers without dropping any of the balls. So what gives? A stressful lifestyle can leave its mark on family life: perhaps it is no coincidence that many of the clients we see at Stowe Family Law are in their late 30s or early 40s, with young children.

At the same time, the latest statistics show that divorce rates have fallen to a 29-year low. There are several reasons for this but clearly, the rise of the working mother and soaring stress levels have not triggered a divorce epidemic. So if greater numbers of women are “making it work”, how are they doing it? I have my own ideas…

Winding down after a hectic series of meetings in London last week, I had lunch at J Sheekey in Covent Garden. (For relaxing and taking stock, this fish restaurant is the perfect venue: yummy comfort food, the best wine, white linen tablecloths and old-fashioned puddings!) My lunch companion was in her early thirties. She is very bright and our conversation kept me on my toes. She also has a bustling, highly-pressured lifestyle that makes mine pale into insignificance.

She is married with two young sons. She commutes to Central London every day; her husband commutes to his job on the south coast. Continue reading »

In my last post, Christmas and the divorced man, I wrote about a male client of mine:

“My client intends to ignore Christmas this year. He is convinced that if men had their way, it wouldn’t exist at all. He asks, “Why do we have Father Christmas? It should be Mother Christmas”.

“Is he right? Is Christmas “a woman thing” and if so, why haven’t all we clever women spotted that we are being “had” before now?”

Here is my answer: we know full well that we are being “had”!

Yes, Christmas is very hard work – and tensions within a relationship can be exacerbated by the pressures of Christmas. At the same time, however, we love spending time with our children, friends and families, giving and receiving all those beautifully wrapped presents. Perhaps we just adore the excitement of buying (and eating) fabulous food and drinking glorious wine. For example: how many different boxes of chocolates have you spotted in store right now? And bought?! Not to mention those luxury puddings and cakes and mince pies! Continue reading »

Yesterday morning my husband was reading the papers over a breakfast cup of coffee. He looked out into the garden. Our two giant Briard dogs were frolicking together, getting completely covered in snow. A little red robin was hopping about on the branch of a snow covered fir tree. Two wood pigeons landed together on an almost frozen bird bath for a drink. With the snow covering the garden, the trees and the bushes, the scene couldn’t have been any more Christmassy.

“Better do all my jobs today if the weather is going to get even worse”, my husband sighed. And I started to laugh.

My husband wasn’t thinking about Winter Wonderland. He was thinking about practical matters, like how to get to the supermarket on icy roads, so that we don’t starve watching TV this weekend.

And he’s definitely not alone.

One of my clients, a well known company lawyer, has his own theory about Christmas. He believes it is two unnecessary weeks off work, spent living “out of synch” with normality. He believes that Christmas is a “woman thing”

Last year I wrote at length about how the tensions created at Christmas can lead to divorce, after our family law firm experienced a surge in enquiries from overworked women in the weeks leading up to the festivities:

“They described the tidying that had to be fitted around entertaining, the exhaustion and the never-ending rounds of relations and friends for at least a week afterwards. More than one said that she had do all this work herself – and dreaded it. None of them would put themselves through it at all if their children were older.

“Listening to these tales of drudgery I wonder, have women really attained equality?  I doubt it. It seems to me that for women, Christmas continues to be an exhausting, miserable slog for women who take on the chores year in, year out because they feel that they must. It appears to be a matter of tradition, rather than choice.

“I can’t help concluding that it isn’t Christmas that causes a divorce. It’s the thought of it.”  (Christmas and Divorce: What Women Want)

However my male client has a different take on this situation. He argues that if there is pressure placed on a marriage as a result of Christmas, he says, it is because women do it to themselves! Continue reading »

How many of us take our loved ones for granted? It is easy to forget that in a split second, lives can be transformed forever.

Last week I had finished writing my post about John Ruskin, had exercised flat out on my Wattbike and was looking forward to a calorie-filled Sunday lunch with my sister Suzy and our husbands. We were going to try out a restaurant in Harrogate and then do some Xmas shopping.

Then the telephone rang – and everything changed.

My sister was crying on the phone. Our mum had fallen and was in hospital. Dad had called Suzy in a dreadful state and asked her for help. My parents rely very much on her because she is a wonderful nurse with them.

The accident had happened in Netanya, Israel, where my parents spend part of the year. Mum had been admitted to hospital and my sister needed to travel out as quickly as possible. We were told that it wasn’t serious: my mum was in shock, but ok.

Unlike Suzy, I know I’m not a good nurse – but I do have my uses. Within 20 minutes I had my sister and her London-based daughter, Abby, booked on the next flight out from Heathrow and a car had arrived to take Suzy straight to London’s Heathrow Airport. With Suzy on her way, I spent most of the day on the phone to my dad, trying to keep him calm. He sounded increasingly desperate as he described my mum’s condition. Very worried about them both, I telephoned some of their friends and asked them to see if they could help until my sister arrived. When the friends called back, they made some comments about my mum’s condition that worried me more. My sister arrived, phoned from the hospital and said that although my mum was suffering from superficial head injuries, her condition was stable and there was no need for my brother or me to travel out.

The next day the world changed again. Suzy asked me to get there as fast as I could. Continue reading »

I don’t have any strong political views because I don’t like politics, but on Sunday morning in Covent Garden as I cycled on a bike at the gym, I watched Hillary Clinton’s live press conference on the TV monitor.

At 10.15 am on a Sunday morning, Mrs Clinton was elegantly dressed, brisk, businesslike and full of verve. Impressive, given that she had only arrived from the USA the night before and had commenced her meeting with Foreign Secretary David Miliband at 8.15am. As I pedalled away, my mind drifted to what she had endured during her husband’s presidency, and how she’d come through it. I considered her own, ultimately unsuccessful attempt to become President of the USA. She had simply let nothing stand in her way! Whatever you think about her, you do have to admire her as a brave, successful woman and wife.

I once attended a dinner at which President Clinton was the guest speaker. When he began to speak, every woman in the room swooned! Despite his indiscretions, he does appear to have been as strongly supportive of her and her career, as she has been of his. Their partnership is not flawless, but it is phenomenal – and it endures. Has adversity made their marriage unbreakable? Continue reading »

Is it time to grab your trophy partner?

“Tell me,” asked Mrs Merton famously to the glamourous Debbie McGee about her well-known magician husband, “what was it that first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”

The image of the not so stunning but very wealthy Paul Daniels flashed into everyone’s mind and the audience laughed. It’s a clever question that has stuck with me since then; every time a nubile young female is seen with an older man, the same thought goes through my mind.

Would these gorgeous very young women be hanging onto the arm of Silvio Berlusconi, Mel Gibson or Ronnie Wood – especially Ronnie Wood! – if these men lived hand-to-mouth? Would these men have the same appeal? The same charm?

I don’t think so.

Continue reading »