What would you like to know about divorce?

Lots of first-time visitors to this blog arrive here after typing their questions about divorce and family law directly into Google and other search engines. Other readers submit enquiries to the comments section, or contact me directly.

Tomorrow (Wednesday 6 January) I will be appearing on the GMTV with Lorraine programme, which begins at 8:35 am, to offer advice to viewers. Tune in for some answers.

If we don’t cover your question, please feel free to add it to the comments at the bottom of this post.

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This is the view of the River Lune from the cemetery in Kirby Lonsdale, Cumbria, North West England. The great art critic and social thinker John Ruskin described the scene as “one of the finest views in England, therefore the world”, when he saw a painting of it by JMW Turner. Thereafter, because the great man went to live in Cumbria, the beauty spot became known as Ruskin’s View, in his honour.

I’ve spent some time recently in Kirby Lonsdale, because it is a gorgeous little place. It’s about two hours drive from my home and – after parking in the Town Square and finding my way to the cemetery (being careful not to slip on the treacherous cobblestones) – gazing out over the stunning sight of Ruskin’s View makes the journey well worthwhile. It’s a beautiful place: easy to relax, wind down and chill out in.

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“Our society in England and Wales now urgently demands a second attempt by Parliament, better than in the ill-fated Part II of the Act of 1996, to reform the five ancient bases of divorce; meanwhile, in default, the courts have set the unreasonableness of the behaviour required to secure the success of a petition on the second basis, namely pursuant to s.1(2)(b) of the Act of 1973, even when defended, at an increasingly low level.” – Wilson LJ in Miller Smith –v- Miller Smith 2009 EWCA 1297

Stowe Family Law represented the successful husband in this case. The judgment of the Court of Appeal, heard before the President and given by Lord Justice Wilson, was handed down today. I will not of course discuss the specific facts of the case and nothing that follows does so. But, on a general note, Miller Smith is a useful example of alternative options available to deal with the financial problems caused by a defended divorce.

In such cases, finances cannot be dealt with in the usual manner, as the brakes are firmly applied until the divorce is out of the way, which could take a very long time. What is one party to do, who wishes to move on with his or her life and finds themselves apparently stymied?

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The latest UK divorce statistics show that a marriage ending in divorce has, on average, lasted 11.7 years. This has given rise to a new term: the “11-year itch”.

So why get married? Because it is still seen as the right thing to do? Because it legitimises children? Because it gives out a strong image of stability?

Why 11 years? Is it because this is the average length of time it takes to become established in a marriage, to have children, for those children to reach school age and for the marriage to go stale?

This could be one explanation – and yet the number of people who are aged 60 or over when they divorce – so-called silver divorce – has also increased. I think it shows a growing attitude in society towards marriage as something that is disposable when it just doesn’t fit anymore. People live longer and life doesn’t necessarily begin at 40 or 50 or even 60. It begins when you, as an individual, make a decision that is about you and how you live your life.

Since 2000 and the case of White v White the courts have been viewing marriage as a business partnership like any other. Think about it this way: Continue reading »

From the comment pages of the Yorkshire Post, 23/10/2009.

Divorced from reality in the 21st century

By Marilyn Stowe

WE should all be raising glasses this week to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Divorce Reform Act 1969 gaining royal assent.

The landmark statute made divorce easier, introducing what became known as “quickie divorces”. It eliminated the previous extensive, fault-based procedure, was a milestone for women’s rights, and its momentous implications are still being felt today.

On the statute’s birthday, however, I am horrified to note that the divorce wind now appears to be blowing in the opposite direction, with prominent commentators suggesting divorce should be made harder and settlements less favourable to ordinary women.    Continue reading >

I was interviewed for a feature in The Mail on Sunday’s YOU magazine, which focused upon “amicable” divorces that descend into bitter battles. I would like to emphasise that not every spouse behaves badly during a divorce; however, some interesting points are made. The feature was published on Sunday 13 September.

Divorce or destruction? When relationships reach the bitterest end

Ending a marriage is never easy – but what happens if the man you once thought was the love of your life turns out to be your worst enemy? Anna Moore looks at the devastation that can be caused when divorce gets messy…

Though Caroline Spencer may be baffled and bewildered by her former husband Earl Spencer’s behaviour during their divorce proceedings this summer, there will be other ex-wives across the country feeling a sorry shiver of recognition.

First, the earl woos and marries Caroline, telling the world, ‘I’ve found somebody I respect and love and I feel deeply happy.’ Then the couple settle into an enviable life, dividing time between their canalside home in Northwest London and the Althorp estate in Northamptonshire, where Caroline soon makes her mark with an annual literary festival.

After the birth of their son, Ned, Caroline declares herself ecstatic, telling one journalist that every day she feels ‘blessed’. When asked about the earl’s track record – his previous messy divorce which ended amid accusations that he was a ‘callous adulterer’ – her reply is unequivocal. ‘I can’t think of anyone less callous,’ she says. ‘Strong, determined, all of those things. But never callous.’

Words that must haunt her now.

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I left Chicago with a stack of magazines for the eight-hour flight back to London. The glossy pages were filled with images of smiling women with smooth skins and flawless complexions. Do these faces have their place in everyday reality? Surely I cannot be the Western world’s only woman over 30 who has succumbed to gravity and resisted the lure of Restylane, Botox and other cosmetic “treatments” and surgeries?

Leafing through the magazines I came across pictures of 46-year-old Whitney Houston, who is staging a comeback and has a new album out. She looks fabulous. She looks stunning – not a line to be seen!

In O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey tells her readers how to value themselves and become “empowered”. Oprah is my age – so why, on her publication’s front cover, is she pictured in close-up without a single wrinkle or crease? I looked very closely indeed couldn’t find a single one!

What does “empowerment” really mean? I am wondering, because it seems that youth and facial beauty are requisites for today’s women.

Here is an example: it is an advertisement that played on television while I was in Chicago. The advertiser is a (male) divorce lawyer. The opening scene: a man in bed with a woman. She is snoring. She is supposed to be ugly, too; we know this because we watch him pulling away, getting out of bed and creeping down the stairs, filled with disgust. Then comes the voiceover. It goes something like this: Continue reading »

I have been fortunate enough recently to attend two horse racing events. I love the races, even though I’m not much of a gambler. The sleek lines of the beautiful horses, the roar of the crowd, everyone dressed up to the nines; intent on having a really good time and celebrating the King of Sports.

A few weeks ago I was a guest for the day at Goodwood Races. Thanks to the British weather, it didn’t quite live up to its ‘Glorious Goodwood’ name! Sheltering from a downpour when the heavens opened, an elderly lady wearing a pink hat started talking to me. She was in her late 70’s but looking closely at her I was amazed because she had the most beautiful skin I had ever seen – and the most stunning, piercing blue eyes. As we were talking she pointed out her daughter, who although very smartly dressed, was running around with buckets directing staff to mop up the rain.  At that point, recognising her daughter, I realised I was talking to the very famous Bronwen Viscountess Astor – the first ever “Supermodel” and whom the couturier Pierre Balmain said was one of the most beautiful women he had ever met. I could well understand why.

There is a biography of Lady Astor, and on the front cover she is photographed in her modeling days, wearing a gorgeous hat. A few days later my knee was playing up so I decided to take a walk round Harrogate to try and walk it off. As I reached the bottom of the hill past Betty’s Tea Shop, I walked past a dress shop and – there in the window – was almost the same hat. It was the same shape and size. It was stunning. It was obviously waiting for me!  I thought it was perfect for the Ebor Festival I was due to attend so I tried it on and on impulse, I bought it. I liked that it was possile to hide beneath it. I could see …but not be seen. It proved very useful.

I wore it to the Ebor in York two days later, where I was lunching with the chairman of the York race committee and his guests. It was very grand, and they were very pleasant people, all experts in the racing field whilst I was clearly a novice. The conversation at lunch veered away from horses only once – to John Cleese and his divorce. As the conversation came round to divorce it was easy for me to incline my head with my large hat and avoid taking part in that conversation! They were discussing the article in the Daily Telegraph which I had read that morning and thought was very cruelly written against his wife, Alyce Faye. She was portrayed as a gold digger, a jumped up nobody from a council house who had wanted, and got, far too much money at the end of the marriage.

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I have noticed that many new visitors arrive at this blog after entering questions about their predicaments into Google. I asked Cheshire divorce lawyer Robin Charrot, Managing Partner at Stowe Family Law’s Hale office, to see if he could help out with some answers.  

For most court hearings, you will not play a speaking role. However there are still a few rules to follow. Use common sense: don’t lose your temper, don’t glare at your spouse and don’t sigh, tut or mutter when your spouse’s lawyer is speaking. Pay attention to what is being said. To get your lawyer’s attention, write a short note and tap them on the shoulder. But please don’t do this every five minutes! For further tips see Marilyn Stowe’s post, How To Act In Court.

how to explain to children adultery divorce

However much you blame your spouse for having an affair, resist telling your children “the simple truth”. This will always do more harm than good, because it will give them hopelessly conflicted loyalties. Your children have the right to have the best possible relationship with both their parents. Tell the children that their mum and dad are going to be happier living in different homes. Avoid the emphasis on your spouse’s new partner. In turn, your spouse should not bring his or her new partner onto the scene until the children are used to their parents living apart. Even then it should be done gradually.

how do i get my wife of 20+ years sexually attracted to me again

Not the usual kind of question asked of a family lawyer! Continue reading »

How healthy is divorce litigation for everyone involved: clients, their families, the lawyers and others? How healthy is it for anyone involved in these cases?

Paranoia is a profound distrust or suspicion of others, which goes hand-in-hand with the belief that one is being persecuted. In divorce, these feelings can have some basis in reality. There may indeed be someone out to get you. Usually, it is the person to whom you had hitherto been closest: your spouse.

Unfortunately, divorce causes some people to become irrational or even delusional. Their perceived “persecutor” is nothing of the sort and may actually be a spouse who wants nothing more than to move on with his or her life.

The painting above is called “Paranoia”. What are the figures in the painting staring at and so worried by? There is no-one visible outside, so what or who do they think may be coming in through the door? Are they right to be worried or are they paranoid? Continue reading »