The conversation came about because I told her that for the last twenty-odd years, until just over a year ago, I had been a keen long distance runner. I ran hundreds of miles a year. I used to go out running at least three or four times a week, and it was a big part of my life. I ran wherever I was in the world: city or countryside. Running was my saviour in a high pressure world in which I am a mother, a wife and a lawyer, with much to do every day of the week. Being able to get outside for an hour, no matter the seasons or the weather, and being able to breathe in fresh air, let my mind relax and come home refreshed was utterly priceless. Of course it’s easy to concentrate on good times.

There were bad times too. I sustained quite a few injuries every year and was off recovering for weeks at a time. Whenever I got flu I suffered much more than most because, my GP told me, the virus went through my body much faster.

Then just over a year ago, I had a bad fall. My recovery did not go well and I needed surgery on my knee. I knew that if I did have the surgery, my running career would be over. I resisted and resisted, taking up cycling to try and keep exercising, hoping the swelling would diminish. The consultant surgeon said in answer to my pleas that we would “see how things went”. I was filled with what I now see was nothing more than false hope.  Eventually my knee swelled to the size of a balloon, and I had no choice left. Ignoring the problem simply made the recovery harder and longer.

The pain and swelling took time to settle and very strong painkillers were prescribed. My knee was still swollen and I was in agony every day. I had to limp around, and my doctor and surgeon were clean out of suggestions.  I was also extremely unhappy but wouldn’t show it too much to anyone. I had a family to think about, a business to run and clients who needed help. I had to put up with well-meant sympathy I didn’t want from people who did know, and listen through gritted teeth to people who didn’t know, saying they hadn’t seen me out and about on the roads recently. I had to cope with a future which every injured runner knows hits you harder than you ever think it will. I couldn’t see a pain-free way forward, let alone a regular exercise regime.  But… I didn’t give up. I tried to regard it all as yet another challenge: one to beat if I could. So I kept looking for an answer.

Then by chance, I was referred to a sports physiotherapist called Wayne Morton. A former physiotherapist for the England cricket team, Wayne is a very typically forthright Yorkshireman, who stands for no nonsense at all! He was in no mood to give me any sympathy and instead he was so straight talking, it was a huge relief and he made me laugh for the first time in ages. He gave me a cortisone injection for the swelling and suggested I kept on cycling and took on weight training and kettlebells straight away, to get myself strong. Wayne introduced me to Jon Draper, a sports podiatrist in York. Scans revealed my footfall was affected by heavy pressure coming from the problem area in my knee. Orthotics were made for all my footwear while I waited and six-weeks later the scans showed an evenly distributed footfall. The pressure on my knee was relieved and the pain had gone. Wayne then also introduced me to James Tapster, a trainer and former England rugby player – and the rest, as they say, is history.

My knee settled as Wayne said it would, and I have a weightlifting and kettlebell session with James once a week.

These days, I love cycling three times a week on my Wattbike because it is extremely challenging battling the computer and overall, I know it’s an equally tough regime I’ve set myself.  When the weather is dry, I take the bike out and cycle outdoors. I am injury-free and fitter; I am also more toned than I ever was as a runner.  I do have days, many days in fact, when I get very sad and think of the running I can no longer do. I hate it when I’m out walking and runners come sailing past. It happened a lot last week on my solitary, eight-mile walk round the great London parks: St James’s Park, Green Park and Hyde Park. Yes, I’d  dearly love to be out running those wonderful routes, feeling the wind against me, the sun in my face, enjoying the thrill of being outdoors running, especially my most favourite run of all: beside the desert in Eilat, Israel running alongside the mountains and the sea.

But that part of my life is over and I’ve changed my lifestyle, not through choice but by necessity. And do you know what? I’m so grateful I seized the opportunity I was given. I could have turned into one of the greatest ever sympathy-seeking ‘Moaning Minnies’. Instead, thanks to Wayne and James and, I readily acknowledge, my own Yorkshire grit, I have again found my pressure release, albeit in a different form. I can look my clients straight in the eye when I give them advice about their need to adapt to life changes about which they can do nothing but face and deal with as positively as they can.

Our inbuilt, priceless human spirit is what gets us through adversity. At times such as these when it comes to the fore, we must jump aboard, take hold with everything we’ve got and…. enjoy the ride.

[Video: Eliza Doolittle "Pack Up" from Logan Hefflefinger on Vimeo.]

So I have enjoyed reading a post by an American blogger who is marking one year since her own divorce was finalised. D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks is an essential read for anyone going through a divorce who is struggling to look to the future.

This writer is honest about the “perks”, which include realising the mistakes that she made during the marriage and why life without her husband has also been positive, despite the obvious loss of the person with whom she thought she would spend the rest of her life. She has re-evaluated her life and is looking to the future. She admits herself that she could easily have written “100 downsides to this whole scene”, but is instead is choosing not be a victim.

If you are recently divorced – or even if you are simply considering divorce – I recommend her blog, which is called Now Is Good. The writer has a really refreshing take on her own life experiences. Her marriage broke down after her husband had an affair, but she has put a lot of energy into moving onwards and upwards.

Many items on her list are light-hearted:

9.  LONG bubble baths, guilt-free.

50.  Always controlling the remote.

69.  Never having someone else drink the last Diet Coke.

While reading this post, however, you also recognise the pain of the divorce. This is not a whimsical list, but rather a long hard look at the truth about divorce, covering both its highs and lows.

Some of the list entries are about finding happiness in unexpected ways:

12.  Rediscovering the importance of my girlfriends and how much I truly enjoy their company.

32. Having time to miss my kids so that I am always overjoyed to see them.

82.  Realizing that all I really need in order to be content in life is for my children to be happy and healthy.

However these are my favourites:

19.  Realizing the truth of “Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.”

66. Realizing that being single isn’t something to fear.

100. ME, living life my way, on my terms, as fully as I possibly can, taking nothing for granted.

For most people the prospect of being alone after years spent as part of a couple is a daunting prospect.  Frequently clients express the view that without their partner they don’t really know who they are.  Rediscovering yourself is often more important than the rest of the divorce procedure.  For anyone going through a divorce, I think that writing a list like this can be a truly cathartic exercise.

The list in full: D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks.

Liz Bell qualified as a solicitor in 2009 and is a valued member of the Stowe Family Law team.  She has already had wide experience in cases involving trust elements, company interests and foreign assets. Popular with clients and counsel, Liz brings a personal and friendly approach to her work, along with a keen attention to detail.

As an old proverb states: “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now”.

I am a very lucky woman and the law has been good to me in an unexpected way. At almost 54 I have finally found my niche – and a very interesting legal niche it is. I know it is a cliché, but if life throws lemons, make lemonade. (And sell it at 20p a bottle more than it costs you to make…)

I was what was charmingly called a “gymslip mum” in the early 1970s. I managed to leave school with no formal qualifications, a beautiful bouncing baby son and a laser-like ability to choose hopeless boyfriends. When I was 21 and my son was about to start school, I met my husband and a blissful period ensued. By the time I was 34 he decided that the grass was greener (it very rarely is) and I had three children to support and raise: a 16-year-old, a three-year-old and a ten-month-old baby. I had no formal qualifications and no useful work experience. I fully believed that the magistrates court, and later the CSA, would make sure that the children were supported. However I soon realised that I was on my own financially. A pretty scary prospect, but I was determined that my children were not going to be the victims of my poor choices. I was also determined to use education to understand the system in which I was embroiled, but also to widen my horizons and develop a career.

Macclesfield College allowed me, for free, to take a Law A-level and to learn to use a computer. I also needed a back-up plan and an instant income so I took a City & Guilds qualification in soft furnishings. Ultimately I developed a small business, making and selling very high-end, bespoke soft furnishings to the prosperous of south Manchester and Cheshire. I also began buying and renovating the many rundown silk weavers’ cottages in my hometown. Whilst these activities made sure that my children and I ate (well!) I was also pursuing a legal education at Staffordshire University: an LLB, an LLM and eventually in 2006, a PhD (on the role of adultery in divorce, historically and today, ironic on many levels). I loved it: it was thrilling, intoxicating and fascinating. It was this intellectual exercise that gave me the confidence and belief that my business and family would succeed. Of course some of it was devilishly difficult and, if truth be told, dull. I remember sitting in a crime lecture and wondering what the hell I was doing there; the clever, bright young things made me feel like a dinosaur. In my third year I started family law with Chris Barton, an inspirational teacher, and really began to fly.

Ultimately I have ended up Head of Family Law at Staffordshire University – and it is thrilling. The curtains and footballers’ wives have gone, but I remain a landlady and my interest in property has, if anything, been enhanced by the recent downturn in the market. My children have had the opportunities I wanted for them and, in spite of frequent absences, they know that they are cherished, loved beyond everything and are my most important motivation. The absolute icing on the cake is my late blooming career in legal academia. To be able to work at the institution that gave me so much and to help future traditional and “non-traditional” students achieve their ambitions is a privilege.

If this saga of teenage promiscuity and divorce proves anything, it shows us that adversity really can push us all to do very unexpected and exciting things indeed. Divorce is a miserable, unhappy time, but it can also be a time of great opportunity. It can be a chance to reinvent oneself and be a person nobody could have predicted.

It is important never to underestimate the impact of shock on a client. Shock affects a client’s state of mind and can take weeks, months or even longer to overcome. Some of those who find it difficult to return to normal can even develop the more serious (but treatable) condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

When I see clients who appear to be suffering from shock, I politely and gently suggest that they return to see me when they are able to give me the information that I need to advise them appropriately – and also when they are able to make an informed decision about their future. It is clear even to me, a lay person, when a client is in deep shock and unable to take in a single word that I am saying. If a client persists, then of course I will give my advice – and I will follow it up in writing, as I do with all clients. At least the client will have something to read when they feel better able to take it in.

How does psychological shock manifest itself?

The symptoms vary but at first there may be numbness, a feeling of being dazed and an inability to absorb the information which has led to the shock. The mind will keep replaying the information, totally denying it, refusing to believe it can be true. Nothing else that is happening will matter: the surrounding circumstances, the people, what is playing on the radio… They will all blur into the background.

I had never experienced “shock” at first-hand until very recently. Put simply, it was awful.

A close relation of mine (who I will call CR) was being treated for an apparently mild skin rash. A consultant dermatologist diagnosed it as a type of eczema or skin allergy. A cream was prescribed, but the rash worsened. It did not respond to treatment; eventually it flared and a second opinion was sought. I volunteered to accompany CR to the hospital but was told it wasn’t necessary. An hour later I received a phone call from a strange-sounding CR to say the second consultant had dismissed the eczema diagnosis. This doctor thought that it could be cancer, of which the rash was a symptom. CR was immediately admitted to hospital.

My response was textbook.  I was stunned. It was only a rash! It felt like my head was floating above my body. I felt my face start to burn up. For a moment I didn’t even know where I was. And I denied that such a diagnosis could even be a possibility. I refused to believe it. It couldn’t be true.

I won’t detail the devastation I felt that week, trying to come to terms with the possibility of cancer in one of my loved ones, but as a result of the shock I suffered a complete loss of appetite, sleeplessness, nightmares when I did sleep, inability to concentrate and so forth.

There is a very helpful article entitled Coping with Trauma on the website of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, which describes the symptoms of shock and the response and recovery from the condition. I recommend to anyone who is suffering from shock. You may find it useful to understand that the range of reactions to the shock you are experiencing, while very unpleasant, is also normal.

After the trauma was over – and thankfully, the diagnosis was not cancer – I could begin the recovery phase from the shock. I discovered that this takes time and I had to be patient. I learned that having been in a state of shock for a week, I couldn’t expect to recover within hours. My clients are often in shock for much longer because their trauma is ongoing and may reoccur over a lengthier period.  I found the bullet point advice on the website, about coping with and recovering from shock, comforting and helpful.

Interestingly, other members of my family congratulated me on “staying strong” for everyone else. In fact I had not been able to speak to outsiders about the trauma, nor to express any feelings, because – as a result of the shock – I hadn’t had any.  I also expected to feel huge surges of relief after the worst case diagnosis was ruled out, but I didn’t. I felt numb and flat. That too, I discovered, is normal.

At the end of the week it felt good to return to work and see that all was functioning normally. Normality felt good. It was nice to see a smiling receptionist and hear her say, “Welcome back Mrs. Stowe. Tea or coffee?” It struck me that the office is indeed a quietly calming place to be for traumatized clients, just as we have designed it to be. But I never imagined I would be the person to try it out “from the inside”!

For clients going through a year-long experience of divorce, coping with and healing from severe, prolonged emotional and psychological trauma will clearly take longer. This is particularly true if clients were already under a lot of stress before the case began. I recommend seeking professional advice if symptoms such as severe anxiety, depression or fear become too much to handle, if you avoid or are unable to connect with others, or if drugs or alcohol become serious problems. As previously discussed this is nothing to be ashamed of, will not affect the outcome of the divorce and shows that you have insight into your own condition.

This experiencing psychological shock has been a salutary experience for me. I believe that when I deal with clients in the future, I will have a greater understanding of what they are going through. I hope that I am better-equipped to reassure them that the range of deeply unpleasant feelings they may be experiencing is normal, and that these will pass with time and understanding of an abnormal situation for which they were unprepared.

As I wrote at Christmas, my blog is intended to be real, about real feelings and real people – and I am a real person too. This is a very personal post, but I have written it for two reasons.

Firstly we all have been, or will be, touched at some point by trauma. Life is like that. Life happens. The unexpected comes unexpectedly, out of the blue. We aren’t prepared for it. So I hope that by sharing my response to an unexpected trauma, it may be of some comfort to others who are in shock or who are recovering from it.

The other reason for this post is that someone out there may also have and “eczema rash” and, although I do not wish to be alarmist, they too may be receiving the wrong treatment. If that could be you, please get a second opinion, quickly.

In many ways this character reminds me of opponent spouses we come across only rarely; the spouses of clients who are determined to prevent the divorce from proceeding smoothly unless it all goes their way. How do you tackle a Black Knight?

When both parties have good legal representation and there is a desire on both sides to settle sensibly, more often than not the divorce process is straightforward. There may be a moderate scrap given the adversarial nature of litigation, there is the requirement for full financial disclosure and the genuine need to clear the air between the couple, before they can begin to negotiate seriously. Settlement follows. In England and Wales, only the most fractious cases go to a full hearing.

Black Knights often decide to ignore legal advice and may even opt to do without a lawyer altogether. I have encountered Black Knights who regard themselves as puppet masters; they see themselves pulling the strings because they are convinced that they can handle their own case better than any lawyer could.

It is possible to divorce without a lawyer at your side, but if you are spoiling for a fight the decision to battle alone is usually misguided. When unreasonable demands are being made it is far more difficult to reach a settlement that is acceptable to both sides. Black Knights can’t play the game by the rules – because as non-lawyers, they don’t know the rules.

There are instances when they will harass their former partner until they can stand it no more and injunction proceedings become necessary. They may contest arrangements for the children, knowing that the children are the weaker spouse’s Achilles heel.

In the financial case there will be several pre-trial applications because the Black Knight won’t shift. If the Black Knight believes it to be true, so will everyone else. Or so the reasoning goes. They may also delude themselves that their estranged spouse is controlled by lawyers fuelling their determination to ‘win.’ Never before has anyone said “No” to a Black Knight.

What the Black Knight doesn’t understand is that their spouse can also become increasingly determined. They can and do give strong instructions to their legal team and want a fair slice of the financial pie.

If a case can be settled, efforts should be made to settle. But in these situations the spouse has no choice other than to take a poor settlement or litigate. A client may settle; perhaps worn down by the litigation, fearful of the cost and of going to court.

But most clients do not settle, instead they resign themselves to meeting in court, no matter how daunting the prospect. The Black Knight watches grimly as their spouse battles on, remaining confident of success and often continuing attempts to derail or sabotage the process.

But experienced judges at preliminary hearings can see what is coming and will warn the Black Knight of the risk, advising settlement. This, just like advice from their lawyers if still retained, will go unheeded.

So the award is heftier than it might have been and there may be unusual costs orders made as the judge uses discretion to come down like a ton of bricks on the Black Knight. The predictable response? Denial. An appeal, or series of fruitless appeals, may follow at their cost as they blame everyone and everything; except themselves. At this point the situation can become increasingly absurd and I even recall one case where the opponent spouse, having comprehensively lost, appealed on the grounds that the judge had lied.

Consider the entirely limbless Black Knight, who shouts as King Arthur rides away in victory:

“Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”

Some opponent spouses do move on, but for many, rage will still get the better of them. Losing was never part of the scenario. His or her sense of self will forever be that of the Black Knight.

A new study, the results of which were published in yesterday’s Daily Mail, concludes:

Men really do feel less guilt than women… From forgetting to post a birthday card to embarking on an affair, the male of the species is less likely to feel remorse, sorrow, empathy or anger.

The problem, say the study’s authors, is not that women feel too much guilt – but that men feel too little.

Appearing on BBC Radio Manchester yesterday morning I was asked if, as a family lawyer, I agreed with these findings.

From reading the article it appears that men are indeed from Mars and women are indeed from Venus.  At no point, apparently, do we think similarly about wrongdoing in our relationships with one another. Put simply: women will recognise what is wrong and apologise and men don’t recognise what is wrong and won’t. It was a man after all (the late Erich Segal) who coined that phrase: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Perhaps that phrase was more telling than even he realised!

It is true that some female clients fixate on the lack of remorse shown by their cheating spouse. They can also spend a long time canvassing opinion as to why he still won’t apologise. If that is the case there is no doubt the divorce process becomes even harder to settle, because in refusing to at least hand her the moral high ground, the husband is also preventing her from restoring some of her lost self-esteem and self-confidence.

At such points I tend to suggest therapy to clients so that they can move on and begin to make progress again. A wife whose instincts were correct and is finally vindicated sometimes needs serious professional help if she can’t get an apology. Very often her husband doesn’t understand – or at least gives that appearance.  Even worse, it is common in these situations for children who see issues in black and white, with no shades of grey in-between, to side with their mother and family breakdown begins in earnest.

Conversely it is also true that many men will not waste their time on emotional discussions of guilt or wrongdoing with me. “It’s over, how much do I have to pay to get divorced and how much will it cost me?” is often all a divorcing husband wants to know.

But I don’t believe in stereotypes. I think it’s much more complex than that because all of us are human, we aren’t programmed robots and we don’t all react and feel exactly the same. There are as many tough women out there as men, and they wouldn’t dream of apologising for their behaviour in marriage either.

According to this latest study, however, it isn’t that men are misbehaving by refusing to apologise. Rather, men aren’t programmed to actually give a damn. They simply don’t appreciate that they should apologise and can’t properly empathise with their spouse. Instead they go on their merry way, wreaking havoc and making everything worse because they feel too little guilt.

So if that’s the case and we should excuse these men from failing to say sorry, shouldn’t we also excuse them from ever apologising for anything, ever, period? Because these poor unfortunates have no moral compass and therefore don’t understand the requirement to apologise? I’m sceptical!

My experience suggests that the refusal to apologise during the process of marital breakdown is common to both spouses. Usually those people whose marriages are breaking down, whether men or women, started that journey long before any affair began. These people have, knowingly or unknowingly, started to think apart and perhaps live some of their lives apart. Because it’s all caught up in the same marital breakdown process, the affair itself isn’t seen as wrong either – it is just another side effect of living their lives separately.

Some people convince themselves that the affair only began because their spouse was too awful to keep living with. They cite concerns about them (or so it frequently seems to me) that other couples might dismiss. Very often the things they suddenly find so unbearable may even have been what attracted them to their spouse in the first place.

Furthermore, if they have become involved with a third party, then an admission of guilt – of wrongdoing – will taint their new relationship too. And that is not the way to start over.

Will an apology be forthcoming in those circumstances? Unlikely.

Similarly a brief affair or a one night stand may be excused away: “I didn’t realise what I was doing until it was too late”, or “I had too much to drink”, or “you were mean to me and I needed some company.”

No need to apologise there either…

Sometimes a spouse doesn’t appreciate that an apology is needed, because their “hurt” wife never lets on she wants an apology at all. She says nothing, waiting and hoping that the spouse will try and understand. Of course he won’t, because he hasn’t been instructed and some men need to be told.

That was the point made by my fellow guest on the radio. He said the problem some men have is that they don’t even know an apology is required. She expects him to guess and he doesn’t. So a wife sits and fumes, the husband doesn’t understand and the relationship deteriorates still further. Stalemate is the outcome, divorce is likely to follow.

On the other hand, what is wrong to one person may not be wrong to another because it can be explained away or excused.

That is why fault in divorce is such a tough subject and why shades of grey in any marital breakdown mean that needing and wanting an apology or feeling the need to say sorry may in fact never happen.

This is a pity because when a couple is divorcing, an apology can clear the air, help restore the power balance and is often a precursor to a settlement.

So here is a tip for anyone out there who feels the need for an apology, or is prepared to provide an apology in order to kick start some meaningful negotiations. Go ahead and say what you want to your spouse. You will lose nothing by trying!

And if yesterday’s discussion on the radio is anything to go by, saying sorry could even improve your relationship.

Image credit: emmaphotos.

It is frequently the case that the tearful woman who comes to see me for her first appointment has lost her strength and self-confidence. As her case progresses, however, the client undergoes a transformation. She begins to reassert herself and resumes control of her future.

Years later, I can bump into the same client and barely recognise the energetic, self-assured woman who stands before me. We women are far stronger than we know. Some of us only realise this strength after years of conditioning and low self-esteem. Others are strong inside and out – and they have always known it.

I was musing upon this recently, after I ended up sitting next to two fashionably dressed men at the recent Selfridges sale in London. (Sat next to? During a sale? Yes. The only way to shop the Selfridges sale is to fight your way through the massive front doors, check out the crowds, immediately admit defeat, head straight for the champagne bar, order a glass of pink champagne and unwind while watching the throng do battle. I also recommend finding some stylish company with whom to share the moment!)

All three of us watched, open-mouthed in admiration, as the woman on the television screen above our heads made her recorded appearance at Selfridges. The singer Grace Jones emerged from a Range Rover, dressed in gold, and stood on the bonnet of the car waving to the crowds. She looked amazing.

Known for her striking appearance, strong voice, extraordinary hairstyle, modelling, film appearances and larger than life temperament, Grace Jones has dared to appear on stage with live lions and tigers. She currently appears in concert wearing only a series of fantastic jackets, hats and a thong. Once, during a well reported altercation – and there have been many – she is alleged to have described herself as “Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York”. She certainly makes life interesting for us!

I am in awe of these strong women who choose to live life their own way. They may begin with very little, but they seize upon all that they have been blessed with. They do it themselves. They don’t need or depend upon men or other women. Versatile and determined, they make the most of their own abilities and talents. Their inner tigers have been unleashed.

Strong women are not clingy and do not prolong doomed relationships simply to feel secure. Neither do they seek out relationships because they feel lonely, nor endeavour to always have a relationship on the go.  They respect themselves and have confidence in themselves and their own lives, without the need for a prop.

Strong women do not wallow in self-pity - or if they do, they never let the public see them cry.  Publicly, they aren’t afraid to make mistakes. They expect to trip up. Whenever they fall off the merry-go-round called Life – as, inevitably, all of us do – they pick themselves up and step back on it again. They don’t worry about what others think of them. They aren’t perfect – but so what? They don’t care.

Have you heard Grace Jones sing La Vie en Rose? If you haven’t, I’ve attached a clip (above) for you to enjoy. If you have, I’m sure you will want to listen to it again.

Edith Piaf, who wrote the words to this famous love song, had a tragic, passionate and complicated life. She was named La Mome (“Little Sparrow”) because of her waif-like looks. In her version of La Vie en Rose she is clearly affected by her own experiences. She sings of her love for a man by whom she is overwhelmed, life becoming suddenly “in the pink”. Her rendition, because of the way she lived her life and accompanied as the song is by the unspoken thought that it is doomed, is accepted as the most romantic. At the same time it is, for me, the most tragic way of delivering this beautiful love song.

Grace Jones has a very different style, and her version has become an upbeat sophisticated, iconic cult song for fashionistas worldwide. Last year a specially produced version played at several top fashion shows, as models sashayed down the catwalk to her extraordinary voice.

In her version of La Vie en Rose, Grace Jones celebrates love her way. She is a woman who is enjoying being in love. She is not dependent on her lover, she is not needy of him and there is no unspoken fear that he will leave her. She shares with us only her passion, her feelings and sensations of being in love. She celebrates that love unequivocally  and – most importantly, from my point of view – without asking anything of her lover in return.

Strong women are their own women. They live life and they enjoy love – but they enjoy it their way.

By the way, if you still don’t believe me about the benefits of a lifetime of workouts, check out some of the more recent pictures of the Coolest Woman on the Planet still looking fabulously toned, lithe and strong. She will be 62 this year.

The near blizzard conditions made it a lengthy and eventful journey. Fortunately my trusty driver, Garry Houseman of CSC Executive (who I can’t recommend highly enough), got me home safely. We listened to the car radio and heard the horror stories of hundreds of people stuck in their cars overnight or even abandoning them. One woman had decided to move house and spent the night in the car with her belongings and her pets, rather than delay the removal by just one day.

A travel expert came on the radio, lamenting the society that we have become. We expect to be able to travel where, when and how we want, whenever we want. If the snow stops us, we simply can’t cope. We undertake crazy journeys in order to live our lives exactly as we are used to doing.

That, by the way, includes me! I didn’t think twice about the journey back home because I wanted to get back to work.

It made me think about the e-mails that had been sent to GMTV for me to read. Viewers of the programme were invited to write in with their problems on the theme of Life After Divorce, so that we could advise some of them live on air.

Some of the correspondents were bogged down and had written to GMTV as a last resort, out of desperation. Loneliness and hopelessness were common themes. One lady wrote that because she is very lonely, she now wonders if she made the right decision when she divorced. Another wrote bitterly of the havoc that her former husband and his new wife have wrought upon the children’s lives. She is determined to make sure they never see the children; the courts, however, do not agree with her. Other correspondents were stuck in the past, unable to come to terms with fresh starts and new beginnings.

Unfortunately, when I read the e-mails I realised immediately that a number of the issues raised could not very well be addressed in a five minute sofa slot.

So I will try now.

Reading those e mails, one simple fact stood out: that although legal issues may be resolved between the parties or the courts, divorce is not an event that can be recovered from emotionally in minutes, weeks or months. For many people, it will take years to come to terms with such profound changes to their lifestyle. Any trauma, be it bereavement, an accident or a violent attack, will affect the person who sustains it. No-one should expect to recover quickly.

Yet we do recover, eventually. Just as the travel expert on the radio pointed out, we expect to be able to do exactly what we want without events that are beyond our control affecting day-to-day life. This attitude is understandable, but it is as ill-suited to divorce as it is to turbulent weather.

My advice is as follows. If you are going through a divorce or recovering from it, you are travelling through a blizzard. Don’t try and battle your way through at the height of the snowstorm – your wheels risk leaving the road. Instead, stay indoors and keep warm. Don’t pile pressure upon yourself to do anything.

Wait for the storm to abate. In the meantime, begin to adapt to your circumstances. Make slow but necessary adjustments. Keep being positive but take it easy, step by step, day by day. Don’t expect anything. Don’t expect your loneliness to melt away overnight. Be friends with those who offer you friendship in the storm. And take it easy. Know that you won’t be “snowed in” forever, and begin to live your life in a new way.

When snow falls, a thaw will follow. One of these days, your road will be clear – and you will be ready to move on.

If you had a divorce question that was not covered on the Lorraine Kelly programme, you are welcome to leave it here.

Image credit: dee_r.

I recently watched an incredibly personal interview with the band Fleetwood Mac on the BBC, in advance of their forthcoming British tour. The band members are clearly older and wiser than they were in the late 1970s. They had stories to tell about the emotional turbulence in their lives when arguably they were at the height of their success. It made fascinating viewing for me, a fan who keeps The Very Best Of close by in my bedroom.

I love the music and I love their voices, but I must admit that the words haven’t always made sense to me. I’ve just been conscious that these are world-class artists producing world-class timeless music. Now I understand how their tumultuous lives have contributed so much to their art.

Many clients begin their meetings with me, assuming that what I am about to hear is new. It isn’t. I’ve already heard the account of the breakdown of their marriage or relationship, over and over again. Different faces, different people – but fundamentally the same story. What is interesting is that when a relationship does break down, the parties don’t always have the same tale to tell. One will blame the other. One may blame a third party. The other may say it wasn’t the third party. Perhaps he or she will insist that the relationship has simply run its course.

And so it was last night, watching and listening to the band members. Here were the same accounts of relationship breakdown – but this time set to fabulous music, and given by some of the biggest names in the music world.

Rumours was Fleetwood Mac’s greatest album. It sold millions of copies around the world. Apparently it was conceived and named to correct the rumours about the relationships of the band members with one another. As a divorce lawyer, I was fascinated to hear the story behind the album.

There was Stevie Nicks of the haunting voice and West Coast melodies. There was Lindsey Buckingham, famous for his incredible abilities on the rock guitar. They had started off as young unknowns: “Buckingham and Nicks”. Mick Fleetwood heard Buckingham playing guitar on a demo album, and immediately invited him to join. So closely attached were Buckingham and Nicks, it was a condition that she had to join too. Mick Fleetwood described them as “joined at the hip” – and yet their close relationship deteriorated. Eventually they split.

Buckingham and Nicks each wrote an iconic song about the reasons for their parting. For Buckingham in Go Your Own Way, the relationship ended in grief and anger. Loving you isn’t the right thing to do, he sang, bitterly. He would have given her the world but…..you can go your own way. He accused her of shacking up with another. It was not what he wanted. And all the world had to know it.

Nicks, on the other hand, wrote Dreams: a gentler assessment. She said she had sought a different parting, a recognition that their relationship had come to the end of the road. In her song, she focused on his responsibility for the breakup. You say you want your freedom…who am I to keep you down? Her account in Dreams seems to suggest that he was responsible for the breakup – and that he would realise it only when she was gone. She imagines him in the stillness of remembering what you had. And what you lost.

However Buckingham, thrashing away on his guitar in Go Your Own Way, was having none of it.

For me, as a lawyer who listens to both sides of such stories daily, these songs remain as relevant today as they were thirty years ago. They remind all of us that we are human and fallible.

Here are two different beliefs, genuinely held, as to what has gone wrong. Probably there is a whole lot more that could be said, about why this relationship ended as it did.

But that wasn’t the end. After Buckingham and Nicks split, Nicks began an illicit relationship with married Mick Fleetwood. He divorced his wife. His relationship with Nicks ended after he betrayed her for her best friend, Sara.

The song Sara, from the album Tusk, is my favourite of all. I never tire of it. I never tire of the emotion in her voice that until recently, I hadn’t understood. But what does it mean? I have read many interpretations, but I think it was her way of coming to terms with the loss of her great love and accepting it – or pretending that she had.

She was drowning in a sea of love. She was protected under a great dark wing. She thought she had met [her] match. Then she lost him. He betrayed her.

Now it’s gone it doesn’t matter any more. Doesn’t it? When she sings you can hear her despair as she sings of Sara: the woman who stole her lover.

In an apparent act of acceptance and forgiveness (or perhaps because she doesn’t want to her reveal her true feelings), she sings, when you build your house I’ll come by.

I have tried to imagine everything she felt when she wrote and sang that song, Mick Fleetwood playing the drums behind her and Lindsey Buckingham on the guitar alongside. It can’t have been easy.

Stevie Nicks later checked herself into a rehabilitation clinic using her former friend’s name, Sara, as a pseudonym.

This is the third post in a new series about coping with divorce.

I have previously described how important it is to keep your mind healthy when you are getting divorced, but what about your physical health? The Mental Health Foundation stresses the benefits of exercise for mild to moderate depression.Your body is your temple, so get into shape. Exercise, exercise, exercise!

Depression can be a vicious circle. You feel terrible. Your worry shows in your face. You can’t be bothered with yourself and days drag on endlessly. Alcohol is very tempting because it takes away the pain for a few minutes. Before long, however, the pain is back and worse than ever. You can’t be bothered to exercise. You are overweight and you haven’t got the energy. It is much easier to stay at home and reach for comfort foods. Or the bottle.

My advice? You need to have a good look in the mirror and make that leap of faith, if you are to overcome those black feelings.

What do you like doing? Salsa dancing? Going to the gym? Cycling? Running? Swimming? Do anything that will get your heart rate pumping. You will feel better immediately.

I do not recommend solitary exercise. It is all too easy to make an excuse and not bother. Instead, find a local group (a running club, perhaps), join a class or get a trainer. That way you have to join in and the habit soon begins to form. If you can’t afford it, can you cut back on some other expenses? Of course, if you have a good lawyer, you may be able to get the cost added into your maintenance!

Nothing, repeat nothing, should keep you from exercising. As for dieting: in my experience, this follows exercise. As you build up your exercising, the change in your eating habits will naturally follow.

Break the old circle and begin a new, more positive one. You exercise and its very hard. But…you begin to feel better. You see a change in your body. You keep exercising.

One day you think, “I need a new hair cut”. Another day you notice that your clothes are better fitting. Gradually, but certainly within a few months, you will feel and become a different person. Your workouts will have a tremendous effect on your body, mind and spirit.

After all, a new beginning begins with a new you.

Image credit: MiiiSH.