Moving on after divorce is more easily said than done, and as a family lawyer I see many clients at different stages of this process. Getting divorced is a traumatic and stressful period for both parties, no matter who is at fault or why the marriage broke down. However, there is nothing more satisfying (other than getting  a good deal!) than seeing a client move on from thinking their world is at an end, to a point where they can at least see light at the end of the tunnel.

So I have enjoyed reading a post by an American blogger who is marking one year since her own divorce was finalised. D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks is an essential read for anyone going through a divorce who is struggling to look to the future.

This writer is honest about the “perks”, which include realising the mistakes that she made during the marriage and why life without her husband has also been positive, despite the obvious loss of the person with whom she thought she would spend the rest of her life. She has re-evaluated her life and is looking to the future. She admits herself that she could easily have written “100 downsides to this whole scene”, but is instead is choosing not be a victim.

If you are recently divorced – or even if you are simply considering divorce – I recommend her blog, which is called Now Is Good. The writer has a really refreshing take on her own life experiences. Her marriage broke down after her husband had an affair, but she has put a lot of energy into moving onwards and upwards.

Many items on her list are light-hearted: Continue reading »

Sue Jenkinson (pictured left, at her graduation) is the Head of Law at Staffordshire University. She is also a divorcee, a successful businesswoman and a mother of three. After meeting Dr Jenkinson at Staffordshire University’s Annual Family Law Seminar and hearing her inspiring story, I asked if she would contribute a post to this blog’s series on Coping With Divorce. Sue pays tribute to Prof Chris Barton in her piece. I echo all her sentiments: he is one great guy.

As an old proverb states: “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now”.

I am a very lucky woman and the law has been good to me in an unexpected way. At almost 54 I have finally found my niche – and a very interesting legal niche it is. I know it is a cliché, but if life throws lemons, make lemonade. (And sell it at 20p a bottle more than it costs you to make…)

I was what was charmingly called a “gymslip mum” in the early 1970s. I managed to leave school with no formal qualifications, a beautiful bouncing baby son and a laser-like ability to choose hopeless boyfriends. When I was 21 and my son was about to start school, I met my husband and a blissful period ensued. By the time I was 34 he decided that the grass was greener (it very rarely is) and I had three children to support and raise: a 16-year-old, a three-year-old and a ten-month-old baby. I had no formal qualifications and no useful work experience. I fully believed that the magistrates court, and later the CSA, would make sure that the children were supported. However I soon realised that I was on my own financially. A pretty scary prospect, but I was determined that my children were not going to be the victims of my poor choices. I was also determined to use education to understand the system in which I was embroiled, but also to widen my horizons and develop a career. Continue reading »

Sometimes, clients who come to see me are in a state of shock. Not everyone appreciates how serious this condition can be. There are different medical types of shock, but psychological shock is a traumatic reaction following a dramatic, unexpected incident such as a family crisis. In my field it can often occur when the client unexpectedly learns of an affair and/or the other spouse’s decision to end the marriage.

It is important never to underestimate the impact of shock on a client. Shock affects a client’s state of mind and can take weeks, months or even longer to overcome. Some of those who find it difficult to return to normal can even develop the more serious (but treatable) condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

When I see clients who appear to be suffering from shock, I politely and gently suggest that they return to see me when they are able to give me the information that I need to advise them appropriately – and also when they are able to make an informed decision about their future. It is clear even to me, a lay person, when a client is in deep shock and unable to take in a single word that I am saying. If a client persists, then of course I will give my advice – and I will follow it up in writing, as I do with all clients. At least the client will have something to read when they feel better able to take it in.

How does psychological shock manifest itself?

The symptoms vary but at first there may be numbness, a feeling of being dazed and an inability to absorb the information which has led to the shock. The mind will keep replaying the information, totally denying it, refusing to believe it can be true. Nothing else that is happening will matter: the surrounding circumstances, the people, what is playing on the radio… They will all blur into the background.

I had never experienced “shock” at first-hand until very recently. Put simply, it was awful. Continue reading »

The Black Knight is one of the most famous characters in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Charged with guarding a small bridge, the knight is on a power trip, losing limb after limb to prevent King Arthur from passing. Eventually he loses them all. And still he issues his futile threats!

In many ways this character reminds me of opponent spouses we come across only rarely; the spouses of clients who are determined to prevent the divorce from proceeding smoothly unless it all goes their way. How do you tackle a Black Knight?

When both parties have good legal representation and there is a desire on both sides to settle sensibly, more often than not the divorce process is straightforward. There may be a moderate scrap given the adversarial nature of litigation, there is the requirement for full financial disclosure and the genuine need to clear the air between the couple, before they can begin to negotiate seriously. Settlement follows. In England and Wales, only the most fractious cases go to a full hearing.

Black Knights often decide to ignore legal advice and may even opt to do without a lawyer altogether. I have encountered Black Knights who regard themselves as puppet masters; they see themselves pulling the strings because they are convinced that they can handle their own case better than any lawyer could.

It is possible to divorce without a lawyer at your side, but if you are spoiling for a fight the decision to battle alone is usually misguided. When unreasonable demands are being made it is far more difficult to reach a settlement that is acceptable to both sides. Black Knights can’t play the game by the rules – because as non-lawyers, they don’t know the rules.

Continue reading »

Some female clients point to the lack of remorse shown by a cheating spouse. “He denied it for months on end”, “he told me I was imagining things and that I’m mad” and “he won’t even say sorry!” are just some of the comments that I have heard many times over.

A new study, the results of which were published in yesterday’s Daily Mail, concludes:

Men really do feel less guilt than women… From forgetting to post a birthday card to embarking on an affair, the male of the species is less likely to feel remorse, sorrow, empathy or anger.

The problem, say the study’s authors, is not that women feel too much guilt – but that men feel too little.

Appearing on BBC Radio Manchester yesterday morning I was asked if, as a family lawyer, I agreed with these findings.

From reading the article it appears that men are indeed from Mars and women are indeed from Venus.  At no point, apparently, do we think similarly about wrongdoing in our relationships with one another. Put simply: women will recognise what is wrong and apologise and men don’t recognise what is wrong and won’t. It was a man after all (the late Erich Segal) who coined that phrase: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Perhaps that phrase was more telling than even he realised!

It is true that some female clients fixate on the lack of remorse shown by their cheating spouse. They can also spend a long time canvassing opinion as to why he still won’t apologise. If that is the case there is no doubt the divorce process becomes even harder to settle, because in refusing to at least hand her the moral high ground, the husband is also preventing her from restoring some of her lost self-esteem and self-confidence.

Continue reading »

It is frequently the case that the tearful woman who comes to see me for her first appointment has lost her strength and self-confidence. As her case progresses, however, the client undergoes a transformation. She begins to reassert herself and resumes control of her future.

Years later, I can bump into the same client and barely recognise the energetic, self-assured woman who stands before me. We women are far stronger than we know. Some of us only realise this strength after years of conditioning and low self-esteem. Others are strong inside and out – and they have always known it.

I was musing upon this recently, after I ended up sitting next to two fashionably dressed men at the recent Selfridges sale in London. (Sat next to? During a sale? Yes. The only way to shop the Selfridges sale is to fight your way through the massive front doors, check out the crowds, immediately admit defeat, head straight for the champagne bar, order a glass of pink champagne and unwind while watching the throng do battle. I also recommend finding some stylish company with whom to share the moment!)

All three of us watched, open-mouthed in admiration, as the woman on the television screen above our heads made her recorded appearance at Selfridges. The singer Grace Jones emerged from a Range Rover, dressed in gold, and stood on the bonnet of the car waving to the crowds. She looked amazing.

Known for her striking appearance, strong voice, extraordinary hairstyle, modelling, film appearances and larger than life temperament, Grace Jones has dared to appear on stage with live lions and tigers. She currently appears in concert wearing only a series of fantastic jackets, hats and a thong. Once, during a well reported altercation – and there have been many – she is alleged to have described herself as “Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York”. She certainly makes life interesting for us! Continue reading »

Divorce is not an event that can be recovered from in minutes, weeks or months. I was thinking about this as I travelled 200 miles back to the north of England after my appearance on GMTV earlier this week.

The near blizzard conditions made it a lengthy and eventful journey. Fortunately my trusty driver, Garry Houseman of CSC Executive (who I can’t recommend highly enough), got me home safely. We listened to the car radio and heard the horror stories of hundreds of people stuck in their cars overnight or even abandoning them. One woman had decided to move house and spent the night in the car with her belongings and her pets, rather than delay the removal by just one day.

A travel expert came on the radio, lamenting the society that we have become. We expect to be able to travel where, when and how we want, whenever we want. If the snow stops us, we simply can’t cope. We undertake crazy journeys in order to live our lives exactly as we are used to doing.

That, by the way, includes me! I didn’t think twice about the journey back home because I wanted to get back to work.

It made me think about the e-mails that had been sent to GMTV for me to read. Viewers of the programme were invited to write in with their problems on the theme of Life After Divorce, so that we could advise some of them live on air.

Some of the correspondents were bogged down and had written to GMTV as a last resort, out of desperation. Loneliness and hopelessness were common themes. One lady wrote that because she is very lonely, she now wonders if she made the right decision when she divorced. Another wrote bitterly of the havoc that her former husband and his new wife have wrought upon the children’s lives. She is determined to make sure they never see the children; the courts, however, do not agree with her. Other correspondents were stuck in the past, unable to come to terms with fresh starts and new beginnings.

Unfortunately, when I read the e-mails I realised immediately that a number of the issues raised could not very well be addressed in a five minute sofa slot.

So I will try now. Continue reading »

I recently watched an incredibly personal interview with the band Fleetwood Mac on the BBC, in advance of their forthcoming British tour. The band members are clearly older and wiser than they were in the late 1970s. They had stories to tell about the emotional turbulence in their lives when arguably they were at the height of their success. It made fascinating viewing for me, a fan who keeps The Very Best Of close by in my bedroom.

I love the music and I love their voices, but I must admit that the words haven’t always made sense to me. I’ve just been conscious that these are world-class artists producing world-class timeless music. Now I understand how their tumultuous lives have contributed so much to their art.

Many clients begin their meetings with me, assuming that what I am about to hear is new. It isn’t. I’ve already heard the account of the breakdown of their marriage or relationship, over and over again. Different faces, different people – but fundamentally the same story. What is interesting is that when a relationship does break down, the parties don’t always have the same tale to tell. One will blame the other. One may blame a third party. The other may say it wasn’t the third party. Perhaps he or she will insist that the relationship has simply run its course.

And so it was last night, watching and listening to the band members. Continue reading »

This is the third post in a new series about coping with divorce.

I have previously described how important it is to keep your mind healthy when you are getting divorced, but what about your physical health? The Mental Health Foundation stresses the benefits of exercise for mild to moderate depression.Your body is your temple, so get into shape. Exercise, exercise, exercise!

Depression can be a vicious circle. You feel terrible. Your worry shows in your face. You can’t be bothered with yourself and days drag on endlessly. Alcohol is very tempting because it takes away the pain for a few minutes. Before long, however, the pain is back and worse than ever. You can’t be bothered to exercise. You are overweight and you haven’t got the energy. It is much easier to stay at home and reach for comfort foods. Or the bottle.

My advice? You need to have a good look in the mirror and make that leap of faith, if you are to overcome those black feelings.

What do you like doing? Salsa dancing? Going to the gym? Cycling? Running? Swimming? Do anything that will get your heart rate pumping. You will feel better immediately.

I do not recommend solitary exercise. It is all too easy to make an excuse and not bother. Continue reading »

In the last post about coping with divorce, I wrote about how distressing the divorce process can be and how, to emerge whole at the other side, it is vitally important to do whatever it takes to keep your mind in shape.

This post is a cautionary one, about what can happen if you give in to those demons lurking in your head. I have previously written about the dirty divorce tricks born of the desire for vengeance. Earlier this week I described how bottled up emotions can result in emotionally charged choices and behaviour. Now I wish to look at how the repercussions can affect younger members of your family.

During a divorce you can be tempted to surrender to those demons, to let your baser emotions spin of control, to fight and to cause pain. However the opportunities to do so are limited. This is because the legal procedure is strictly controlled in financial cases, as misconduct is rarely of relevance and is generally frowned upon by the courts.

Proceedings involving children are different. In such cases allegation upon allegation, true or malicious, can by heaped upon parties in ”the children’s interests”. Common sense and rational thought can fly out of the window.

You mustn’t go there. But some people do.

After 26 years as a divorce lawyer, I am not easily shocked. While reading some recently reported children cases, however, I was taken aback by the bitterness and malice that leapt from every page. Continue reading »