Divorce after 60: is it ever too late?

So the years have rolled by and suddenly – before you know it, really – you’re in your 50s or 60s and your marriage is measured in decades rather than years. Time to settle down and resign yourself to a comfortable coda, a few last increasingly silver decades with your  long-established partner, right?

Maybe not. Some people think they have spotted a new social phenomenon: the catchily- named ‘silver separatists’ – that is to day, people who suddenly separate from and divorce their partners when in their  60s. Earlier this week, the Mail speculated that some older couples “discover they have nothing in common with each other once their children fly the nest.”

And today the Telegraph is also examining silver separations, citing some high profile examples. There’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, veteran actor and erstwhile governor of California, for example, who recently split from his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver. Arnold is 65. Former Vice President Al Gore is just one year younger and he separated from his wife Tipper in 2010 after an impressive 40 years together .

And last month we reported on the shock separation of actors Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman after more than forty years together. He is 68  and she is 64.

Official figures certainly suggest that that there has also been a distinct increase in the number of non-celebrities splitting in their 60s. In the Telegraph article, journalist Neil Tweedie notes that over  3,000 more over-60s in England and Wales divorced in 2010 than in the previous year: a total of almost 14,600.

Actress Diana Quick, famous for her role in Brideshead Revisited, was 61 when she separated from actor Bill Nighy after 27 years together in 2008. She recently discussed silver separations in an interview with the Telegraph, claiming::

“There are far more couples splitting up in their sixties now and one reason is that they can. Economically, they have more independence.”

That is not a bad explanation –  many older people are wealthier now than their parents were at a similar age and money certainly provides freedom and options. But I actually think there is more going on than money here. As a society, our attitudes to age have changed and are now very different to those held by previous generations.

Older people no longer expect to sit in an armchair and quietly decline into decrepitude once they retire. They want to keep on living their lives – enjoying themselves, pursuing their interests, seeing their friends and family, travelling, making the most of all that free time. And many older people do precisely that, but fully aware all the while that time is no longer on their side. Time is a precious commodity when you are in your 60s, and certainly not one to be wasted.

As I see them, silver separations are one last grasp at freedom and self-expression. They may have been with their partners for 20, 30 or 40 years, but they see no reason why they cannot step outside and enjoy some freedom and fresh experience before it is too late.

Some freshly single older people frequently reunite with long lost loves or take existing friendships in a new direction and tie the knot once more. But here is where I’d like to sound a note of caution. Marriage in later years should come with a health warning. Why? Second marriages are notoriously more fragile than first time round. People are more set in their ways. It’s harder to get used to the habits of a newer but older partner. There will be children around, often grand children or even great grandchildren. The spouse of the first marriage may be unwell and depressed as a result of the breakdown of the first marriage. So a second marriage in such circumstances, surrounded on all sides by resentful and unhappy relatives (not least because of inheritance concerns) might be almost doomed before it begins. Ask yourself is it really worth it?

If you have a marriage that you secretly hope each day might soon turn into a potential silver divorce, so you can run off into a starry future with another, think very long and hard. As I am ruefully told on many occasions by my clients, the grass is never greener even if for a short while you suddenly feel like a lamb in the spring time. Your long suffering spouse may have learned to live with your moods and habits but a new spouse may find them less than palatable after a while.

Worst of all, such unions could even mean bigger financial settlements if it all goes wrong, even after a short time, and leave you completely cleaned out. Older people will have greater financial needs simply because they can no longer work or are coming to the end of their working lives. I have acted against wealthy men who became much poorer after paying out to not just one spouse, but two when their starry eyed second wife turned into a ferocious vixen.

So if you are longingly pondering a silver divorce and a second marriage, I’m far from sure it should all be thrown away, upsetting the entire family at the same time. And if you are still unconvinced, at the very least take legal advice to protect yourself.

There is, after all, no fool like an old fool.

Photo by Detective C under a Creative Commons licence

12 comments

Mark Stephenson - January 30, 2013 at 5:45am

You have GOT to be kidding! If I ever get up the courage to ditch the empty, miserable prison I call marriage, the last fucking thing I would ever do is plunge into this quicksand again. Day and night, all I dream about is freedom and singlehood … forever. May that day come sooner than I can hope. They say that second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience. I would categorize them as such supreme stupidity as to warrant involuntary commitment to a mental institution.

NotAHope - April 22, 2013 at 8:22pm

After 38 years of marriage, I couldn’t agree more. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than EVER think about sharing my life with anyone every again. How desperate are people to want to go through that hell again?

Suzie - May 21, 2013 at 8:42pm

At last. People who think like me. 39 years this year of a living hell for the last 20. The moods, the silences, always telling me of my mistakes and how inadequate I am. The constant criticism. I cannot wait for next year. I can leave him and the hell he creates. Never, never, never would I even dream of marrying again. How I long for the calm and the quiet and waking for whatever the day brings rather than waiting for it all to start again.

CEC - May 20, 2015 at 11:01am

Your marriage sounded bad Suzie i don’t blame you for not marrying again it must have put you off i can understand that. I don’t think you need marriage to be happy anyway not in this day and age. I have been living with my partner for over 40 years but i have decide to go my own way. I was ill with bad depression a few years ago and he had no empathy for me at all and his sister was the same. I now dislike them both and have decided to move on within the next 6 months. My partner has not been well recently but not being nasty i can’t muster up any sympathy the way he treated me his sister had a go at me for it and i told her you look after him now he never worried about me.

bemazaldagim.com - June 7, 2013 at 4:18pm

Hi there, just wanted to say, I enjoyed this article. It was practical. Keep on posting!

elizabeth - July 17, 2013 at 8:28pm

Amen, I totally agree, wish I could find a “silver splitters” club in St Augustine, Fl. Just reading other peoples comments reassures me I am making the right decision even though it will be devastating to my husband who thinks he can make me love him again!

Alivia Alexander - April 8, 2015 at 8:45pm

Comments:That is exactly what my husband thinks ,he can win me back ,never !! after all that I went through with him ?I won’t even consider taking him back ,there’s nothing between us I don’t love him ,its over between us ,after he abused me for all these years and now the mind games that his playing. I’m divorcing him after 40 years of fake marriage.

RF - May 20, 2015 at 10:51am

Sorry to hear about your horrible l life regarding your marriage. And some of the other comments on this site regarding long relationships or marriages. I know of at least 3 friends who have divorced after 40 years. I myself did this last year after over 40 years of marriage and to be quite honest i have never looked back. I am 68 years old and now feel a new person regarding my health and well being. Some of my friends said you will regret it but i haven’t not a bit of it. I now have my own flat i go to various activities and have made some lovely new friends. I don’t miss my ex-husband now i did at first but i feel at 68 years old i can have at least another 20 years of happiness not misery in a one sided marriage. Why did i sit it out so long nos sure but i thought a few years ago i can’t do this anymore so i got out. Good luck other commentators with your lives after divorce in your 60’s as the saying goes as one door closes another opens so true especially in my situation.

Carole Heath - May 20, 2015 at 11:23am

Good luck if you feel you are making the right decision Elizabeth. Some people don’t always realize like your husband he most likely has made a mistake. I think love is very hard to recapture once it has gone for whatever reason but sometimes you can rekindle it but i think there are always barriers unfortunately.

Michael - September 12, 2013 at 12:37am

36 years this year and I feel they have been wasted,no courage to leave. At least iI have not felt the need to use the f word unlike some here.no need for it.

Natasha Jane Durrant - May 20, 2015 at 11:07am

I agree Michael the f-word isn’t really the right thing to say but unfortunately for some people anger does play a part in their feelings and they let it all out even on a internet site. I hope you find some peace in your life relationship which are difficult are hard to cope with.

Luke - May 20, 2015 at 2:37pm

I think this article and the comments above show once again how marriage is such a bad idea in the first place.

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