Marilyn Stowe Blog

The Law Student Who Did

On 15 October 2009 The Times published an article with the headline, Why is it so difficult for law students to get a first? The feature, by Rebecca Attwood, suggested that students reading other subjects are more likely to achieve the highest degree.

That piece was quietly read, noted and bookmarked by one Ben Stowe, known to readers of this blog as my son. Eight months later and just as quietly, without fuss, he sent it to me on my Blackberry to read today.

Ben is also the person whose washing regularly causes hassle for me, arriving as it does in at least three full bags on Saturday mornings, when I’m puffing away on my Wattbike trying to keep fit. But with perhaps more than a little help from my husband, we have managed fine…

When Ben was a little boy, the first hurdle for me (not him) was getting him into the “right” school. We chose it with care; noting how all our friends were competing to get their children into the same place, we put Ben’s name down for Leeds Grammar School when he was all of two weeks old. When I look back I must admit that I entered into the “competitive mummy” thing wholeheartedly. I would notice how every other child was quick to walk, quick to talk and so on. I would also notice, through gritted teeth, how every other mummy used to pretend she wasn’t thrilled to bits with her high achieving toddler when I could see very well that she was.  Ben had other ideas. He wasn’t the slightest bit bothered to compete.  Instead he was a quiet, self-assured boy, who took his time and was disinclined to pit himself against the other children. No matter how much I pushed him to be more assertive as he got older, he just used to mutter, “Mum, you’re embarrassing me!” That was it. He knew me and I knew him. Neither of us changed.

When we went for his Leeds Grammar School entrance exam, I was of course very nervous. Ben wasn’t. Would he be all right? I couldn’t contain my anxiety. “Just leave him with us, Mother”, said one of the teachers firmly. I sat outside the school on the phone to my ever patient husband, beside myself with worry, fretting that Ben could blow his entire future career for good if he didn’t pass that entrance exam.

Ben did get into the school and every one of his teachers remarked how reserved and quiet he was, compared to the other children.  I used to do a rota with other working parents, and would regularly hear from one child how he “could only read factual books before he went to sleep”, otherwise he would have nightmares. I used to smile sweetly at this child while thinking about Ben, who didn’t read ever – let alone before he went to sleep – and I would resolve to try harder to encourage him to read. Of course I was wasting my time. He just wasn’t the type of precocious boy who could read the menu at Pizza Hut aged three. He was the other, quieter little boy who sat and ate up all his pizza. From time to time he would come out with his “Mum, you’re embarrassing me!” comment  – but he knows I’m me and nothing can change that!

And that is how Ben has always been. He has always been quiet and reserved, but he has also shown a steely determination to achieve the best he can, very quietly and in his own way. As my husband always said he would.

Perhaps you will guess what my next line is.

Yesterday Ben took first class honours in Law from Leeds University, the same university that his parents attended. Last year he won the European Law Prize and this year his dissertation (which you can find below) was awarded 82 per cent, which I am told makes it good enough to publish. The subject was Divorce Reform. For years Ben has heard my opinions about broken marriages and how they cannot be “saved” with sticking plasters. So he decided to find out for himself whether or not I was right. I have drawn my views from my own experiences working with clients. Ben approached this complex legal topic from an entirely different approach, looking at social, psychological and economic factors. In due course I’m going to ask him to write a post about it for the blog.

At lunchtime yesterday I was standing in a car park, petrified for Ben, with my husband calling on the phone. Of course, I wasn’t at Ben’s school this time. Instead I was in the overcrowded Stowe Family Law car park. The finals results were due, I wanted to be with my son – and my car was blocked in. How dare Frank Arndt go into town for lunch, without leaving his car keys behind! True, Frank didn’t know that I was leaving early…

As team members from the office descended, and five other cars were painstakingly manoeuvred around my own so that I could get out, my husband told me that Ben couldn’t get through on my mobile, but had some wonderful news…

Just as my dad did with me, I rushed to the university to see the results for myself. I didn’t care that my posh car would embarrass Ben in front of all the students gathered outside, nor that I would look more than a little demented with excitement. I screeched to a halt outside the Law Faculty, jumped out, hugged him and burst into tears. “Mum, you’re embarrassing me!” were his first words – but uttered with a big grin.

Then I went inside to read my son’s results. Ben was still muttering, “Mum, you’re embarrassing me!” Those words were becoming a playful mantra as I stood there, taking photos of the list with his name and the word FIRST in capitals alongside. Then I took several more photographs of this assured young man, as he sat grinning on the wall outside the Law Faculty (above).

To every mother out there who is reading this: if your three-year-old can’t read menus and is just that bit quieter than all the rest, my advice to you is… Calm down! Relax! Think about my son, who kept that Times article from last October and sent it to me today. His accompanying message?

“Mum, I’ve done it my way.”

Benjamin Stowe – A Socio-Legal Study of Divorce and Family Law in England and Wales

With thanks to Robert Hill and Paul Lunn at Leeds Grammar School.