Marilyn Stowe Blog

The David and Goliath of Divorce

I’m sitting writing this post, looking down the Red Sea’s Gulf of Aqaba (left), with the sun setting on the mountains. I am in Eilat, Israel, for my Passover break and I can’t pretend it’s not wonderful. The weather is beautiful and I’m feeling for my colleagues enduring the weather in North Yorkshire and Cheshire. I know only too well that I will be back soon enough!

The newspapers here have been filled with details about the unfortunate meeting that took place between Prime Minister Netanyahu and President Obama at the White House recently. The blunt question asked by the newspapers: are these two men on the way to divorce?

The meeting didn’t sound too harmonious. Stung by the announcement of building in East Jerusalem (and let’s not go into the whys and wherefores; this isn’t a political post), President Obama is alleged to have gone off to have dinner with his family, leaving the Israeli delegation to stew. Then he wouldn’t take part in a photo call. Relations are at a low ebb. The Israelis aren’t used to this type of treatment and are considering their position.

President Obama is reported to have behaved similarly towards our own Prime Minister Gordon Brown, whom he ultimately agreed to meet in the kitchens of the United Nations in New York after some considerable diplomacy. Or so the newspapers say.

Politics clearly depend a great deal on the politicians and their ability (or otherwise) to hit it off. If they don’t, “divorce” can ensue pretty rapidly and the consequences can be very serious for all of us throughout the world, powerless to do anything to stop the struggle between politicians whose egos have got too big.

Recent news events have had me thinking about how divorce can be made that much more difficult by the personalities of the couple involved. Many couples revert to type. Recently I wrote about the Black Knights of Divorce, and then about the Sirens. Now, writing from Israel, I’d like to mention the David and Goliaths of Divorce. They certainly do exist.

The ’Goliath’ is often – but not always – the man. Rich, powerful and egotistical the usual scenario is that he has long since outgrown his wife (or so he thinks) and it is time to move on.

“You know what?” he tells himself. “Life could be better.”

He is seduced by promises from others elsewhere, and it doesn’t take a lot for him to reach the conclusion that he could do with “trading in” his old, faithful wife. In his eyes, she has many faults. She will be selfish on occasions, used to spending his money and unaccustomed to thanking him for being the family’s provider. He isn’t calling the shots with her anymore – and it’s time she was reminded who controls the purse strings. It is time for him to call it a day. Flanked by his army of advisers, he issues his divorce petition.

And the wife? What of the David of this divorce? On paper, she certainly doesn’t look to be a good bet. She is outgunned financially and commercially, she is the weaker party by far. But she was also Goliath’s wife, she knows him better than he knows her, and she is no walkover. She also is presented with no choice. She has a fight to undertake. Shocked, taken by surprise at his decision, she has to come to terms with the decision – and fast. So, she digs in.

She stands her ground, fighting the fight of her life, all the way into court. Once in court, she succeeds. She has withstood dirty tricks, reduction in income and a modified standard in living, perhaps even being rubbished in the media – because these types of cases are frequently played out in the media by hired PR firms.

What the Goliath has often ignored is that there is law, there are case precedents and that his case will be decided in line with all the rest. Why should it be different for him? The law prevails.

The stunned Goliath cannot believe it. This wasn’t the game plan. The advisers walk away with their substantial fees and Goliath is left to pick up the pieces of shattered lives. He also has to make the payment substantially greater than he thought it would be, and he has to explain himself to his children and potentially grandchildren too.

Was it worth the struggle? It is difficult to say, and every case is different. People adjust and move on. Most people make the most of their lives. However I will offer some advice to the Davids and Goliaths embarked on epic struggles.

Goliaths: You do need advice! But are you ignoring sound counsel because you seek only the advice that you want to hear? Think carefully. Stand back, on your own. Is your “unbeatable” offer really just that? Or is it perhaps a product of your ego, honed over the years of your success and ultimately made by advisors who are taking your instructions even though their own advice has been ignored? What makes you so certain the law won’t prevail in your case? Why shouldn’t it? What is your worst case scenario? If you don’t know, find out and make sure your offer encompasses your risk.

Davids: keep going and don’t take what isn’t fair. Remember the original David: a shepherd boy who lived not far from where I am right now. Consider what he did, armed with just a sling shot and a stone…

Related posts:

1. Silver Divorce: until divorce do us part?