Marilyn Stowe Blog

Divorce – sorry seems to be the hardest word

Some female clients point to the lack of remorse shown by a cheating spouse. “He denied it for months on end”, “he told me I was imagining things and that I’m mad” and “he won’t even say sorry!” are just some of the comments that I have heard many times over.

A new study, the results of which were published in yesterday’s Daily Mail, concludes:

Men really do feel less guilt than women… From forgetting to post a birthday card to embarking on an affair, the male of the species is less likely to feel remorse, sorrow, empathy or anger.

The problem, say the study’s authors, is not that women feel too much guilt – but that men feel too little.

Appearing on BBC Radio Manchester yesterday morning I was asked if, as a family lawyer, I agreed with these findings.

From reading the article it appears that men are indeed from Mars and women are indeed from Venus.  At no point, apparently, do we think similarly about wrongdoing in our relationships with one another. Put simply: women will recognise what is wrong and apologise and men don’t recognise what is wrong and won’t. It was a man after all (the late Erich Segal) who coined that phrase: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Perhaps that phrase was more telling than even he realised!

It is true that some female clients fixate on the lack of remorse shown by their cheating spouse. They can also spend a long time canvassing opinion as to why he still won’t apologise. If that is the case there is no doubt the divorce process becomes even harder to settle, because in refusing to at least hand her the moral high ground, the husband is also preventing her from restoring some of her lost self-esteem and self-confidence.

At such points I tend to suggest therapy to clients so that they can move on and begin to make progress again. A wife whose instincts were correct and is finally vindicated sometimes needs serious professional help if she can’t get an apology. Very often her husband doesn’t understand – or at least gives that appearance.  Even worse, it is common in these situations for children who see issues in black and white, with no shades of grey in-between, to side with their mother and family breakdown begins in earnest.

Conversely it is also true that many men will not waste their time on emotional discussions of guilt or wrongdoing with me. “It’s over, how much do I have to pay to get divorced and how much will it cost me?” is often all a divorcing husband wants to know.

But I don’t believe in stereotypes. I think it’s much more complex than that because all of us are human, we aren’t programmed robots and we don’t all react and feel exactly the same. There are as many tough women out there as men, and they wouldn’t dream of apologising for their behaviour in marriage either.

According to this latest study, however, it isn’t that men are misbehaving by refusing to apologise. Rather, men aren’t programmed to actually give a damn. They simply don’t appreciate that they should apologise and can’t properly empathise with their spouse. Instead they go on their merry way, wreaking havoc and making everything worse because they feel too little guilt.

So if that’s the case and we should excuse these men from failing to say sorry, shouldn’t we also excuse them from ever apologising for anything, ever, period? Because these poor unfortunates have no moral compass and therefore don’t understand the requirement to apologise? I’m sceptical!

My experience suggests that the refusal to apologise during the process of marital breakdown is common to both spouses. Usually those people whose marriages are breaking down, whether men or women, started that journey long before any affair began. These people have, knowingly or unknowingly, started to think apart and perhaps live some of their lives apart. Because it’s all caught up in the same marital breakdown process, the affair itself isn’t seen as wrong either – it is just another side effect of living their lives separately.

Some people convince themselves that the affair only began because their spouse was too awful to keep living with. They cite concerns about them (or so it frequently seems to me) that other couples might dismiss. Very often the things they suddenly find so unbearable may even have been what attracted them to their spouse in the first place.

Furthermore, if they have become involved with a third party, then an admission of guilt – of wrongdoing – will taint their new relationship too. And that is not the way to start over.

Will an apology be forthcoming in those circumstances? Unlikely.

Similarly a brief affair or a one night stand may be excused away: “I didn’t realise what I was doing until it was too late”, or “I had too much to drink”, or “you were mean to me and I needed some company.”

No need to apologise there either…

Sometimes a spouse doesn’t appreciate that an apology is needed, because their “hurt” wife never lets on she wants an apology at all. She says nothing, waiting and hoping that the spouse will try and understand. Of course he won’t, because he hasn’t been instructed and some men need to be told.

That was the point made by my fellow guest on the radio. He said the problem some men have is that they don’t even know an apology is required. She expects him to guess and he doesn’t. So a wife sits and fumes, the husband doesn’t understand and the relationship deteriorates still further. Stalemate is the outcome, divorce is likely to follow.

On the other hand, what is wrong to one person may not be wrong to another because it can be explained away or excused.

That is why fault in divorce is such a tough subject and why shades of grey in any marital breakdown mean that needing and wanting an apology or feeling the need to say sorry may in fact never happen.

This is a pity because when a couple is divorcing, an apology can clear the air, help restore the power balance and is often a precursor to a settlement.

So here is a tip for anyone out there who feels the need for an apology, or is prepared to provide an apology in order to kick start some meaningful negotiations. Go ahead and say what you want to your spouse. You will lose nothing by trying!

And if yesterday’s discussion on the radio is anything to go by, saying sorry could even improve your relationship.

Image credit: emmaphotos.

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