With Ben and friends.

Today my son Ben begins his university exams; later this week, he turns 21. It’s going to be a busy few days – and I can’t believe how swiftly time has flown. It doesn’t seem that long ago that he was a tiny baby, who just about filled a pillow width-ways; today he is a second-year law student at Leeds University.

Where have the years gone?

He has come home to revise for his exams. Yesterday, up to his eyes and ears in land law, he noticed me floating about in my natty sports gear. I was fiddling with my iPod, ready to get on the Wattbike.

“It’s all right for some”, muttered Ben as he headed back into his paper-strewn bedroom.

As I started my bike ride I went back in time to when I too was aged 21, revising for my Leeds University land law exam. I remember it very well. I was sitting in the garden, reading the gigantic volume of The Law of Real Property by Megarry and Wade, which I thought was one of the most complicated property law books ever written. I still keep that edition in my office: a souvenir of university days, with my maiden name and parents’ address written neatly inside.

 My parents were going to the wedding of a school friend of mine. They looked really nice, and as they headed off I said “It’s all right for some!” They laughed. Exasperated, I went back to Megarry and Wade in the garden. I was feeling fat, fed up and flat. At that moment it seemed as if I had nothing to look forward to, save exams and several more years of exams and very hard work. I couldn’t see an end to it, and I’ve never forgotten how awful I felt revising for that land law exam.  How I envied my school friend her beautiful wedding.

But would I change things now? Never!

I couldn’t ever have imagined how, more than 30 years later, history would repeat itself and Ben would say those exact words to me, in that same exasperated tone. It was quite a moment, and I felt so grateful for that memory of revising in the garden. Is this one of the real joys of being a parent? When the unexpected happens and generations are linked together, no matter how many years have passed in between?

Many of my clients, despite their circumstances, move heaven and earth to place their children’s needs before their own. At the same time I have seen many people who, when they are separating or divorcing, struggle to get past their own feelings, needs and wants. They live for now – no matter how awful the cost.

The truth, impressed upon me by yesterday’s events, is that parenthood is a lifelong role. It is about nurturing your young for the future, without expectations. It is about putting their needs before yours, even when there are difficulties in the way. It is about providing the best nest that you can, watching them grow and helping them to feel safe, until it’s their time to take wing and fly, moving along the same circle of life. This isn’t about the now; it is more than that.

If you are ever caught up in the frustration of the here and now, or if you are desperately unhappy and the end is not in sight, please be reassured that none of us are exempt from these feelings.

Relax. Keep your head down. Keep doing your best because, like it or not, the wheel keeps turning. You will stop and look around, as I did, only to find that 30 years have passed.  Thirty years! Happiness can be difficult to grasp, but as the wheel turns, it will come at the right time. As it did to me yesterday, it may hit you hard when you least expect it. And you will enjoy it.