Are people who claim to enjoy “no strings attached” liaisons deluding themselves?

Is Britain in the grip of an adultery epidemic? Reading Angela Levin’s three-part investigation in The Daily Telegraph, you would think so.  Perhaps she is right. The newspaper provides positive advice to prevent it happening, and advice and tips on how to survive an affair. So all’s well then!

And yet, I wonder?

One client who came to see me was in no doubt that his wife was having an affair. The couple, both in their early 50s, led busy lives and their three children had all left home. The wife had a full-time job and over the previous six months, had become increasingly remote. Her behavior had deteriorated, and she had become argumentative, irrational and rude. He dreaded her presence, as she kept picking arguments and finding fault with him. My client told me he was utterly lost, and lonely in his marriage.

When he confronted his wife with his suspicions, she more or less confirmed them. In that he was fortunate – most people, when confronted about an illicit affair, will deny it.

So what remained of their marriage? I am afraid that for couples in this situation, the answer is “very little”.

My client saw no hope for his marriage. His trust and faith in his wife had shattered. He had no wish to “rebuild” his broken life with her.

The wife, too, had signaled the end of the partnership. She had no desire to sleep with her husband, or to share her life with him. She had emotionally and physically committed herself elsewhere.  She was being faithful and monogamous, but to another. An affair had ended this marriage – for good.

In my experience, an affair is a death knell for a marriage. In life, there is no realistic possibility of the positive, forward looking approach advocated in The Daily Telegraph.

 I don’t accept the argument that increasing numbers of us are seeking “no strings attached” (“NSA”) sexual liaisons. We are not animals mating to procreate. We have emotions, we need people, we need relationships and in a sexual relationship, we express our feelings in an intimate, physical way. Why do so with a stranger? What’s the point? Are these people who claim they enjoy NSA relationships deluding themselves? Are they – perhaps even unknowingly – looking for a partner amongst these strangers?

As I sat in my office, listening to my client, I thought of the many other clients I have listened to over the years. None of them have been able to cope for any length of time after learning of their partner’s adultery. They have endured their suspicions. But knowing of an affair effectively terminates a marriage.

Many times clients have told me that having tried to forget about an affair – their own or a spouse’s – they cannot, and neither can their partners. Regrets and recriminations can surface, even many years later. Their trust, fundamental to any partnership including marriage, has been demolished.

Although we are supposed to be living in the most modern of modern ages, I do not believe that humanity has changed. We may be better off materially, particularly in our fast moving Western world. We may lead healthier lives and live longer. However, in common with everyone else both now and in the past, our basic human instincts and our deepest feelings, emotions and passions remain wholly unchanged.

To try and excuse extra-marital sex as a mere symptom of unrest is delusional. As for the view that “no strings” adulterous relationships are acceptable, or can be cured with a good deal of positive effort by both spouses – if this was truly the case, divorce lawyers wouldn’t be nearly as busy as they are.