In pursuit of his true identity, the farmer rejected his family and sex

I long ago concluded that divorce arises out of uncontrollable human instincts including self preservation, protection and survival. A person going through divorce, whether they admit it or not, is forced to think almost exclusively of what is in his or her best interests. Irrespective of all else - and by force of human nature - they are powerless to act otherwise.

Behaviour which occurs because we are innately flawed human beings makes decent people who wouldn’t otherwise dream of behaving badly to others, react inwardly and selfishly, in order to protect themselves. Some philosophers say we are born flawed. Others say we become flawed. Others still say our reactions are pre-destined and beyond our control as are the circumstances in which we find ourselves. They say we have no choice, no “free will”.

Personally I think we do make our own decisions, and we do have choices, but not as much as we might wish if we were all perfect - and we aren’t. Human instinct in a survival situation isn’t about continuing to hunt with the rest of the pack, meekly obeying custom and laws of society. It is about making private decisions to tackle the challenges we face alone, in order to best survive. In those circumstances our instincts say “to hell with the rest of the world”. That is why, not knowing how I would behave in their situation, I can never ‘blame’ a client for his or her choices, no matter the consequences to others caught in the cross fire.

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Are people who claim to enjoy “no strings attached” liaisons deluding themselves?

Is Britain in the grip of an adultery epidemic? Reading Angela Levin’s three-part investigation in The Daily Telegraph, you would think so.  Perhaps she is right. The newspaper provides positive advice to prevent it happening, and advice and tips on how to survive an affair. So all’s well then!

And yet, I wonder?

One client who came to see me was in no doubt that his wife was having an affair. The couple, both in their early 50s, led busy lives and their three children had all left home. The wife had a full-time job and over the previous six months, had become increasingly remote. Her behavior had deteriorated, and she had become argumentative, irrational and rude. He dreaded her presence, as she kept picking arguments and finding fault with him. My client told me he was utterly lost, and lonely in his marriage.

When he confronted his wife with his suspicions, she more or less confirmed them. In that he was fortunate - most people, when confronted about an illicit affair, will deny it.

So what remained of their marriage? I am afraid that for couples in this situation, the answer is “very little”.

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It is worrying that so few cohabitants have taken steps to safeguard their positions.

Cohabitation remains a popular choice of relationship in Britain. More than one third of people (36 per cent) have cohabited in the past, and one in nine (11 per cent) do so at present.

Unfortunately, my office is frequently consulted by an increasing number of cohabitants who have learned, to their great shock, that they have no legal remedy following the breakdown of their relationships.

In the midst of separation, a cohabiting couple experiences the same emotional turmoil as a married couple going through a divorce. Even so, there is little - if anything - that the law can do for them.

Gay couples entering into Civil Partnerships have the same rights as married couples. However, heterosexual couples who choose not to marry, or who may not be able to marry, have no automatic rights in law. 

Four years ago, the government launched a high-profile media campaign to raise awareness about this. Unfortunately, a new report has revealed that many in the UK remain confused about the legal consequences of living together outside of marriage.

The latest British Social Attitudes study, published by the National Centre for Social Research, shows that more than half of adults (51 per cent) still hold the mistaken belief that there is such a thing as “common law marriage”‘, which gives cohabitants the same rights as married couples. Continue reading »

Where did the justice go?

When I was a pupil at Leeds Girls’ High School, (how many years ago?!!!) each week we had to learn some Shakespeare by heart. The meaning of what we learned was never explained beforehand, and we had to work it out for ourselves. The following day we had to take turns to recite it from memory, with all the meaning we had attributed to it. This was quite difficult to do, but one speech fascinated me more than the others. I have never forgotten learning Portia’s role as the male lawyer in the Merchant of Venice, and her words about the “quality of mercy” in the law. This famous speech argues that there is room for moral obligations within the law’s confines.

I think Portia fashioned my own approach to the law, and fired up my enthusiasm for becoming a lawyer. I liked her clever arguments. I liked her understanding of justice because it is mine too.  “Justice” can often mean something completely different to two people caught up on opposing sides of the same case. Justice is about more than administration; it is about tempering the application of law with mercy, to bring about the right result. This is how the law is applied within the English legal system, in both the civil and criminal courts. It is a system within which I have been privileged to work, and I love it.

However, reading The Times about the new reforms to the Child Support Agency, I wondered for the umpteenth time when the principles of mercy and justice will come into play.

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I have witnessed - and come to respect - the power of emotion on both sides of a divorce.

Sometimes I’m asked if I like being a family lawyer. It’s not a hard question to answer. I like people, I like helping people and I like observing human nature. I think it helps me in my own efforts to improve myself as a person.

I encounter situations that arise out of human fallibility, and I try hard to help others avoid going down the same tough roads.

People may look different from one another, and speak different languages, but in my experience we are created to think and feel along the same lines.

Within their individual boundaries, people share an understanding and appreciation of good and bad, moral and immoral.  With our thoughts, desires and actions, none of us are perfect human beings. None of us can claim to be anything other than fallible, even though we may sometimes think we know all the arguments and the answers. We are created imperfect, Adams and Eves all of us.

It is this very fallibility, and the realisation that dawns when people don’t have answers to questions they don’t understand, which gives rise to the problems presented to me. The causes of the problems are often the same, brought about as they are by failed relationships. The client, unable to control emotions and perceived needs, becomes lost in a terrifying, chaotic situation.

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“When a couple decides to divorce, what happens to jointly held property if one of the parties suddenly dies?”

In my entire career, I can recall only a small handful of cases where a party has died before the case is over. The chances may be low but it does happen.

I remember one occasion when a client’s estranged wife died of cancer. Her illness had been protracted and he had been in no hurry to progress the divorce. When she died, her share of the couple’s jointly owned properties automatically passed to him. Her relations were furious, and they decided to sue.

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Click above to view my Calendar interview.

(Video copyright ITV 2008)
This week the news has been filled with reports of “Divorce D-Day”. Apparently, Monday was supposed to be the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers.

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“His wife demanded half of his future income and bonuses. Could he ever achieve closure?”

When assets in a medium-term, “big money” marriage are divided, it can be a difficult case to call. If the capital exceeds the reasonable needs of both husband and wife, how should the surplus be allocated?

One client of mine, aged 48, had just sold his business for a net sum of £8 million.   He had inheritances from various family members, totalling £1 million. His pension, which he had no plans to draw down, was worth £1 million on top. A “golden handcuffs” clause in his contract required him to continue to work for the company for the next 5 years on an annual income of £200,000; with bonuses, he expected this to double. He and his wife owned a house worth £2 million, free of mortgage.

Unfortunately, his private life hadn’t been quite so successful. His first wife had left him and gone to live in Australia. Then he fell in love with a married woman who came to work as his PA. Within six months the PA had divorced her husband, and had married my client. Nine years later, this marriage was over too. Now she was demanding half of everything my client had and half his future income - including his bonuses. Was she right? Continue reading »

“Supposing you can’t pay your solicitors’ fees - what then?”

One of the first issues that any solicitor addresses with a client should be the costs of a case. It is a delicate subject, but needs to be addressed at the outset because the general rule in financial divorce disputes and children cases is that each side pays their own costs. Many clients think the richer party will be paying the costs - but the rules changed last year and this is no longer the case.

 At Stowe Family Law, we don’t operate a “no win no fee” system, which would be illegal. Neither can we offer a “percentage of the value of the case at the end of the case” system for charging which too is illegal. We charge by the hour. Our solicitors provide full details of their charging structure in advance, with a retainer letter for the client to accept and sign.

During a first meeting, it isn’t possible to tell a client exactly how much a case is going to cost. However, it should be possible for an experienced solicitor to provide a rough estimate. I don’t think that is unreasonable, because a client needs to budget. It is important to note that a case may end up costing more than originally expected: unforeseen circumstances can and do arise, and even seemingly straightforward circumstances can become complicated.

Although costs can sometimes escalate suddenly and swiftly, I believe a client needs to know from the beginning that a case which might cost £150k is not going to cost only £5k. I actually saw this happen in one case: I was engaged by a client whose previous solicitor had informed him that his hotly contested £30 million divorce case would cost no more than £5k in legal fees. The solicitor had even put this in writing. Fortunately, the client had suspected that something was amiss. It was a crazy figure - and one that no experienced lawyer would hope to defend.

Supposing you can’t pay your solicitors’ fees - what then?

There are various options.

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Happy New Year - I hope your holiday was relatively stress-free. For some it was not, people wrote to me from abroad for advice about issuing divorce proceedings in England given their respective links with England, such as British nationality, education, owning a property in England etc. It is a growing problem and highlights the increase in the trend of ‘forum shopping’ where globe trotting couples seek a divorce in the most financially advantageous country.

I think it is a problem that should be legally resolved between the parties before the marriage is permitted to take place. Leaving the decision until a divorce is about to happen with the parties living anywhere in the world can create enormous legal headaches for both of them - and enormous legal costs alongside.

In most cases wives have very good reason to file in England because financial settlements may be better for wives than elsewhere. Maintenance payments for example, may not be available elsewhere. It is also possible to search more extensively into the spouse’s finances in England compared to other countries.

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